The leadership prayer meeting went very well. I was glad that all of the officers could make it, including the other 2 leaders. When we pray altogether, they are completely silent. I guess they haven't been exposed to much else. It was an interesting feeling, giving the reins of leadership to the President Sam. The officers of this youth group never really exercised any responsibilities, so with the choosing of these new officers, I wanted them to take ownership of their youth group and develop leadership skills for the future of God's Church. They will learn only by truly serving this youth group.

They seem so young and not fully capable, that I have a great desire to lead this group [all] by myself - plan all the activities, etc, but I know that I did the right thing, both for myself and for them. Lord, work miracles through them. 12/23/97 3:38 pm

I think I have become a bit too selfish of a person. I do what I want and I try not to feel obligated. I have prided myself in that I will not compromise my beliefs or faith for anyone. I will not hide anything, even fake smiles and polite gestures. Thus, I don't believe in being polite. I won't say "thank you" unless I mean it and I won't do favors unless I want to. No amount of forcing, nagging, or begging will change my mind. I think I'm a pretty generous guy, but I am under no obligation to be so. However, in the process of keeping my integrity, I think I have become inconsiderate of others.

I didn't really care much about what other people thought. If they think I'm religious or nerdy or crazy or boring - who cares? I didn't; but now I think it's important what other people think. It still won't change the way I think, but it will make me more conscious of the impact and influence I have on people - whether Christian or non-Christian. As a Christian, I leave a legacy. I want to leave a legacy of the living Christ. Christ in me.

I have to be more aware that what I do affects others - for better or for worse.

It was so hard today at church. I'm planning a Christmas program and it's getting hard to get the youth group to follow. I know I have leadership skills, but I guess they weren't present today. It's even harder when the two teachers, Joanna and Suzanna, are playing around as well. It's getting hard to define my role in this church. I have fears of being a pastor now. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a pastor. Well, I have been lacking in prayer, thus I have no real right to feel discouraged, it's not like I've done everything. If I haven't prayed, I have done nothing.

I remember almost a year ago, I was in China. I wish I was there again. It was so much more exciting, hiding from Communists, preaching the gospel, living the life of a missionary. But I'm being childish. Isn't the battle even greater here, a battle for the hearts of our youth? I just wish I was more able to lead them. I never felt so helpless. I feel like my sermons don't reach their ears, my bible studies don't reach their hearts. The activities that I plan don't interest them much.

However, today was quite a contrast from the Christmas potluck dinner I planned on Friday. About 7 of them came out and it was pretty fun. We went bowling afterwards and that was great. It's too bad even the teachers didn't make it. They were a little discouraged about that. Yet, what can I do about it?

I've been watching part of Forrest Gump again. I bought myself a copy to add to my huge video collection. In one scene, Jenny asked Forrest, "Why are you so good to me?" and he replied, "You're my girl." That's what I ask God sometimes, and I'm sure his reply is "You're my son, whom I love unconditionally." In another scene, we see Forrest get up from his chair and start running. He runs across the country and he does it without purpose. I've been sitting in my chair for the past week or so. In the words of Ahimaaz, "I want to run." (2 Sam 18:23) Forrest ran without purpose. Shouldn't those who have purpose run even more?

Experience is the best teacher, but one does not always learn. A lot of old people are wise but not all old people. Not all people who have gone through trials are the better for it. Learning is a matter of choice, not circumstance, and I want to learn. Serving at small church has been quite a learning experience. I don't say or do all the right things. My goal at this time is to be their friend - to be close to them. Then I hope they will be discipled by example. I can't seem to get closer to Daniel. He doesn't talk much, but I really want to reach out to him. I've been tutoring Joann and Jessica every Monday in math. Jessica's mom offered me money, but I refused. Although I'm on a tight budget, I don't want the money issue to take away from me the fact that I make the sacrifice solely for the youth group members, seeking no monetary conpensation. I'm not there for a job - to be their personal tutor. I'm there because I want to help them, because I care about them.

How can I fight for them when I myself am wounded? And how can I fight with my sword still in its sheath? Isn't that why I have this red badge of cowardice? I can see so much spiritual suffering around me, but I take no action because I'm so busy fighting with my own inner struggles! How selfish! How foolish! I don't think Jesus stopped to nurse his wounds on his way to Calvary, nor did he try to alleviate his pains on the cross. In embracing these pains, he welcomed me to himself. I hope that I too may embrace pains and struggles to bring others closer to God.

How long has it been since I tasted victory? I have forgotten the glorious feeling. Has my thirst for holiness diminished? He who runs longer and faster is thirstier than he who sits still. Victory comes to only those who run.

I am a youth leader. However, I haven't been living as such. I've been treating it as some sort of job occupation - something I just put my time and energy in. No, I must give my life; I must give my love.

Lord, make me a man of God. Mold me, break me, crush me, grind me to powder, whatever it takes to make me a man of God. Lord, I'm, rarely the willing servant, but even if I go kicking and screaming, spank and discipline me into a man of God.

I've been praying God on my guitar for the last 30 minutes - cross that - I've been singing songs for the last 30 minutes. My heart is not in worship. Has my heart grown so hard?

The best medicine for a cold heart is the warmth of His Word. I was basking in Son-light as the Spirit ministered to me through the Lamp that lights my feet.

Lord, thank you for your precious blood that washes away all my filth and I am as white as snow. Lord, thank you that you died that I may live, but may I live with vigor, a vibrant life - not one half-alive as I.

The Word says that without vision, the people perish. And I have found that without prayer, vision fades. North Korea is ever so nearer now, but my vision is dimmed, and ever so unclear. I am no better than a dog if I don't practice what I know. I will/want to be God's man of prayer.

Have I any right to complain about my grades? None whatsoever! God's rich blessings and the little joys of life drown out my complaints in embarrassment. The blue sky, green trees, red sunset, good friends, good food - the blessings are endless, far exceeding my complaints. What immature foolishness! My head has been bowed into the books instead of bowed in prayer. Lift up your eyes oh saints of God, and look upon the Giver of all good gifts. Fear not, the future is in good hands.

How brilliant is your pallette of colors with which you use to paint the skies! No painting can compare with this beautiful sunset created by the Master Painter. Maker of such beauty, can you not also create in me a beautiful soul with a pure heart? Lord, I long to behold your beauty and have that beauty shine through me. Cleanse me as you cleanse the skies with wind and rain, so that when I've finished the race, my sunset will be more beautiful than when the Son first rose in my heart.

I am learning the hard way the importance of church. It's not about the messages or Bible Study. It's about Christian support; to be spurred on while running the race together with others that have the same goal. It's much harder and disheartening to run alone. Since leaving KCPC and serving at a small church, I made up my mind to watch after my spiritual discipline. I've faltered in that and the blow is even more severe without the encouragement of brothers and sisters in Christ. [Even though I'm late, I think I'll go check out Campus Crusade for Christ.]

I was quite discouraged today, having realized that I put so much time into my studies and yet ending up with meager grades on my first round of midterms. "Why try so hard?", I asked myself. I was quite confident in all of my classes. I knew my stuff, but I am now reminded of 1 Cor. 3:18. I thought I was so wise, but I was such a fool to put my studies ahead of my spiritual growth. The "I'll do it tomorrow" mentality kept repeating itself to a postponement of spiritual activity until after midterms. If I had done well on my midterms, it would have resulted in fruitful praise to God, rejoicing with the Lord. Even still, that wouldn't fill the hunger. I wanted to be the man of 1 Cor. 3:14. I studied hard, and I was to receive my good grade reward. However, this is taking the passage out of context. The whole chapter is describing the work of preaching and spreading the gospel. When all is said and done what am I left with? A few good grades? This should not be. There's work to be done, hearts to mend, tears to dry, and friendship to the lonely. What am I doing just looking after my own skin? God's got that covered. I've got to do more. I've got to be more.

I was quite fruitless this week. Such is the case when a tree is not watered. Even good fruit falls off its branches and are eaten by worms. Even though uncomfortable, I need some pruning from the Master Gardener. Lord, I raise up my branches so you can work. Cut away, Lord, those branches that impede my growth. [It may hurt and I may cry, but it's all for the better.]

One of Compassion International's mottos is, "You can't change the world, but you can change the world for one child."

I want to change the world. I don't want to be status quo. If you are just like the world, how are you going to change it? Lord, make me steadfast, and may I follow you only. I want to be a revolutionary for the truth, a rebel for the Christian cause, a radical, a non-conformist to the world's conformity. Although in reality, I may not be able to change the world, for all those I come in contact with while still here, may the world for them be changed when they see the radical power of Jesus in my life.

This week just hasn't been so good. Nothing bad happened, but I didn't feel victorious in my daily walk. I feel so weak. I just finished my third midterm for this week. It was pretty o.k., considering I've only been to three lectures (it's only math anyway). I'm the most dilligent student I know, and I'm usually on top of things in school, but that kind of lifestyle does require sacrifices - especially in a 3-midterm week. It took its toll on my spiritual discipline, and I haven't touched the Bible for three days, and I haven't really prayed for two. The right answer would be that its not worth the spiritual sacrifice. Even still, from time to time, I find myself in this sin. I'm sure I'm not the only one; I've seen others do the same. It must be that in my flesh, I see more clearly the tangible prizes rather than the heavenly glory. Lord, touch my eyes so that my eyes would be fixed on the eternal prize of Christ. Otherwise, I lose sight of the vision and the very purpose behind my dilligence, the reason that I run.

I've been thinking about the thoughts contained in my previous journal for about a week now. As soon as I wrote that last journal, the "answer" the came to me was quite simple, though not simplistic. So, I wanted to test it. The answer was to lose my identity. The Bible has been saying it all along, but the phrase "loss of identity" recaptures the biblical cliches whose meanings have been dulled and weakened with improper usage. The phrases, "I am not my own", or "If you lose your life you will find i t" finds clarity in the phrase, "lose your identity." I imagined an illustration from marriage. A husband would be thought a fool if he always went along with what his wife said, that when faced with any decision he'd defer to "whatever you want, dear." If he had lost his identity to his wife, he would be a fool, a wishy washy character without a soul. But this does not illustrate a Christian's relationship with the Lord. It's not the same. When Christ died for me on the cross, I was bought with his blo od and no longer my own. In fact, I was never my own when I was a slave of sin, but now as a slave to righteousness, I am God's free man. "Lose your identity with Christ" is also becoming a meaningless cliche. What does it practically entail? In means that i n the daily course of my life, in any decision, question, or action, I would have to ask myself, "Is that what God wants?" The world would think that I'm a fool, but is my body really my own to give away or lose? I've already been bought. The deal has been closed. The transaction is complete and will not be rescinded.

To lose my identity is to no longer do what I want; the I is no longer there. Instead, I ask myself, "What does God want?" Of course, anybody would agree, and would have known this truth before. However, what made Sheldon's book, In His Steps a classic was the practical application of a simple teaching. So for a week now, I've been testing this proposal. It's been a success, though not a "great" success, because I've still fallen to temptation, but I am glad that this is a practical way t o make myself consciously practice godly decision-making. Some temptations and struggles quickly disappear when the question, "Is that what God want?", reminds me of my resolution to obey Christ. In a world where everyone is trying to "find themselv es," one must lose oneself to be a found a follower of Christ. 9/12/97 6:00 pm

I'm fasting. I don't believe in fasting. But on rare occasions, I fast when I need something resolved. So I won't eat until it is resolved with God.

Do I always do what I want to do? It seems that I like to obey God at my convenience. When I feel strong or good or whatever, I'll do this and that for God, or I'll do God's will. However, when what I want conflicts with what God wants, I'll do what I want. Of course, a goal of a Christian is to conform what I want to what God wants. But do I want this inorder that I would still continue to do what I want, with the only difference being that now it is O.K., or right, embraced in God's will? May it not be so! Yet, what if I obey God simply out of self-interest? I am pleased when I please God. I get joy when I know I am walking in fellowship with Him. Likewise, I feel weak whenever my vision of Him is dim. This is perfectly natural, for God created my spirit with these needs. This is O.K., but it is rather tragic if these are the sole components that lead me to turn away from sin. Then I follow God out of self-interest - so I'll have peace in my heart, I'll have joy, fulfilling relationship, someone to turn to in my troubles. The inevitable outcome of such self-interest is that my obedience to God will fluctuate with the changing of my self-interest. I can resolve to obey Him because I love Him, as I've done before, but the emotional aspect of love is a feeling. Feelings fluctuate in intensity.

The commitement aspect of love is an act of the will. "He who loves me will obey me" says Christ. He's talking about commitment. Anything else would foster fluctuating feelings or self-interest. Thus, in all my efforts in obeying God, commitment stands out strongest.

Commitment entails doing what God wants, regardless of what my desires are. This leads to the struggle of doing what I don't want to do. The fuel for this struggle has been my self-interest or emotion, but the fuel runs dry. What then is [should be] my fuel? Why do I struggle? I struggle because there's a guerilla warfare between my spirit and my flesh. A dead body does not struggle, so to be dead to sin is that sin cannot possess the body to fight against the spirit. To be dead to sin is not a command; it is a statement of fact. why then do I struggle?

Paul states that his problem is that he does not do what he wants to do - quite the opposite of what I stated. I guess my struggle, this journal, and my fasting all stem from my superceding desire to please God. It is this "want" that Paul is speaking of. I won't pretend to solve this problem - not even Paul could. But what do I do now?