God's mighty love is shown in his love for unlovable creatures. And oh how he loves me, one so undeserving as I. How amazing is God's grace that saved a wretch like me. That's what I am, a wretch, a fool. I now have a different view of what sanctification is. Sanctification is not a process whereby I become more and more like Jesus. I am still my sinful shameful self whenever God removes his grace (I'm not referring to saving grace). My nature is still full of sin. Sanctification is a growth of grace. The only reason I don't lie every moment or lust everyday is by his grace. The only reason I can give good advice or pray for others is by his grace. The only reason I grow in the knowledge of God, the only reason I can enjoy godliness is all because of God's grace. If any day, he chose to remove this blessed grace, I would be more detestable than a mating cockroach. I am not being transformed into his likeness outside of his grace. Therefore any fruit of the Spirit I see in me is to God's glory.

Why then am I referred to as a new creation if I am still the same? My soul is transformed but my flesh is still wicked. This was Apostle Paul's struggle. He knew that he was bought, transformed, a new creation, and yet he found himself to be "the worst sinner." This guerrilla warfare with the flesh cannot be won outside of God's grace. I will not be "changed by his glory" until the last day. Then I will be free. Praise God for his grace.

Why do I feel like the worst sinner in the world? I'm lucky God has used someone as unfaithful as me for any part in His Kingdom. Why is my heart always bent towards evil? Not a day passes by without my acts of treason! How could God forgive all my sins? It just isn't right for such a holy God. I am a fool. I have judged the attitudes of some flippant Christians who don't take God seriously. Am I in any lesser sin? No, greater! My acts of rebellion were not in ignorance to his grace or perfect laws, it wasn't done in flippant attitude. My whole nature delights to do evil, and the actions are intentional and well-thought out ot satisfy my selfish desires. In his holy wrath, God should open up hell right under my feet and swallow me up in eternal death! It is unjust that I should not be thrown to the lions right now. Oh wretched sinner that I am. Who will rescue me from this body of sin?

God must be quite mighty to endure with such great patience such a traitor as I. One day I pledge allegiance with my mouth, and the next day I break fellowship with acts of sin. What hypocricy! Eternal hell and God's angry glare is not punishment enough. But God, how could you have saved me? You would have received more glory with the punishment of great wickness.

Actions and things are meaningful only in the light of eternity. I haven't been in prayer much this week and I feel that the encounters that I've had with friends and other people and the work that I've done have been meaningless. That is to say, it made no difference in the work of the Kingdom. From a heavenly perspective, those times have been wasted because God didn't bless them through my prayers. However, if someone was praying for me, I would consider those times to have been redeemed. Oh how prayer is essential to make each day count!

If I am to be so blessed as other martyrs, I only have about 10 more years to live. But they will be ten glorious years of prayer. It's too bad I wasted so much time in college. If only I was living in prayer 4 years ago as I am now! Some people say that we learn through our mistakes. How much better is it, however, to learn by obeying God! Yet, praise be to God for keeping me from wasting any more time.

I'm a little sick. I should take better care of my body for my spirit's sake. Strength is needed to pray. "True prayer requires strength." - Hudson Taylor. I can serve my God better with a healthy body.

The Master has many workers in his field. I am just one farmer before the harvest. I had a good talk with Junko. She said that she needed time to sort things out...

Phil became a Christian today, praise God! I shared the gospel to him and talked to him. I had gone over to his place because he didn't show up to church for the longest time. Praise God for his salvation!

I just realized something. I'm having a revival in my soul. However, it should not be viewed as something out of the ordinary. I am only living as every Christian should live and how many faithful Christians have been practicing. Yet, I am still so far from holiness. I couldn't control my feeling of anger when my bank and credit card unjustly charged me. It angers me to realize how devious they were in tricking me. Now I pay for it even months after closing the account. I had right to be angry. To be emotionally passive would be sin, for wickedness should not be ignored. However, my anger came from personal injury, and it was an unproductive anger, an uncontrolled anger - it was sin. God was displeased. However, he had mercy on me and He immediately led me to other thoughts. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away money. I haven't been faithful in my monetary obligations to God. Malachi 3:10-11 speaks to me [in this]. It was just a brief anger and the devil did not get a foothold (Eph. 4:27). In order to live a life led by and filled by the Spirit, I must judge my life for any hidden sins. I must expel anything in me that does not conform to the character of Jesus. That can only come from careful meditation and prayer.

It's exciting how God's changing my heart, molding my character. He is training me to see things in a heavenly perspective. I was frustrated yesterday because my will was not done. I was not aware of my hidden sin of pride until God frustrated my plans. Junko's salvation wasn't in His time [that night]. I had to learn to seek God's will and rejoice in it, even when it differs from mine. Lord, I pray for a humble heart. 3/11/98 10:30 pm

I feel so frustrated. I had wanted so much to share the gospel with Junko tonight. I thought the opportunity was so perfect. She seemed so broken at this time of her life, that cheap substitutes for God in her life were no longer dependable. I had planned on visiting her place to pick up my calculator after speaking at AACF. But she wasn't home. When she called me back at 10pm, I asked if I could come over. She said she was embarrassed about her messy place. Dang it Lord, why create in me a burden to share when you won't bring it about? Perhaps I was seeking my own will in this matter and not the Lord's. Maybe it's not his will that she believes. No! That can't be so. He's given me a burden so that He would use my prayers to save her for His glory. Perhaps it was not His will that she comes to Christ this day. Lord, help me to so completely surrender to your will that I won't feel disappointed when my will is not done. Not my will but thine be done.

It may be on account of my pride that my friends are not saved. God uses the weak things of the world to shame the strong, the foolish things to shame the wise. In this way, the glory is entirely God's. However, I see myself as strong and wise. In saving souls through me, he could be feeding my pride. I acknowledge that it's all God's work, but is there a fraction of my heart not devoted to this thought? Lord, break my pride. Give me a humble heart. Make me eligible to be used by you in this way. One reason that Hudson Taylor was an "invalid" in bed for a long time was so that it would be clearly seen that God had done the work and answered prayers, while he was helpless in bed; that it wan't through Hudson Taylor's many activities, but through God's faithfulness.

I am still undecided on whether I'm going to seminary or not. Well, I haven't sought the Lord's guidance in this matter much. It's not pressing at this time. Nonetheless, is my indecision due to a pride in thinking that I have sufficient knowledge of the Lord and His Word to teach others? However, do I really need to go through volumes of theology and church history in order to disciple others? I doubt it. Isn't it enough for me to take a few classes on basic theology and missiology?

It's a good thing to wake up early. I always have a hard time because it's so cold. However, if soldiers fought only when they were comfortable, they would lose the battle. It was great to read His word early in the morning and have breakfast with Him. It's better for the spirit to be a rooster than a night owl.

It's by the grace of God that my struggles with lust seem like a bad dream. Once in a while, a sexy-dressed girl walks by and enters my mind through my eyes. I have or trying to make it a habit to immediately close my eyes and silently plead with God to purify my mind. I must "take every thought captive" for my mind is a spiritual battleground. Though I may look like a fool to other, I'd rather be a fool in the eyes of men than a fool in the eyes of God.

God does not and will not give us a burden beyond what we can bear. How does the Lord prepare us for ministry? It is not on the field, though we may gain experience; it is only in the secret place where God enables us for greater things.

It's exciting! God is making in me a man of prayer. I think I'm just learning how to live out the verse "pray without ceasing." Burdens and needs are constantly in my thoughts. I am a man of action, so I must pray. Sometimes I drop whatever I am doing when the Spirit reminds me of a need.

I was reading through a few of my journals yesterday night and the prayers I had prayed during those times. God is answering my prayers these days. He's changing me more into the likeness of His Son. Praise God! Why am I so blessed with his grace?

God answers every prayer. His answers are either "Yes," "No." or "Wait." My prayers of wanting to be a godly man and a man of prayer is most definitely a "Yes!" Would God's answer be anything else for His children whose desires align with His written Will? Never! God always keeps His promises. I can sense that a few of the youth group members are maturing in their faith. Joann and San for instance. I would like to take credit for their change, but I know it's all God. God didn't use my talents and wisdom to change hearts. The power of God came upon them through my prayers.

My desires are not big enough. I don't ask God for enough. God tells, even pleads, saying, "If you abide in Me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you desire." We are so content with so little. Our desire for holiness is so small. A few days ago, I sensed a build-up of pride, because I was no longer struggling with certain sins and my times with God was pleasant and uplifting. But this is nothing to boast about. Shouldn't every Christian live with such victory and more? I have barely reached Christian "normalcy" and I am proud?! That's because even the Church praises such mediocrity! I wish more of us would have Paul's desire "to know Him, and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death." I should be crying out for forgiveness that I am still so far from holiness. May I never be content with a mere solar eclipse of God's glory. I want to see the Son.

I just had a productive time with Kevin Kung. I called up Michael Chung (fellow prayer warrior) to pray for the dinner time that I was going to spend with Kevin. Kevin is Chinese, geology major, gay, senior, and doesn't know Christ, even though he attended church since when he was a kid to senior in high school. During dinner we were talking about people who made tons of money per year and dreams of retiring early with tons of cash. Then I steered the conversation by saying, "But we don't live for money right? There are more things to life than just making a lot of money, buying a nice house or nice car and retire early. These things can't bring fulfillment. What would give you fulfillment, Kevin?" He talked about good job, being financially independent, enough money to enjoy, and retire peacefully. Then I asked, "Retire? Do you believe in life after death?" Thus began our talk about spiritual things. He said that he hoped that there was life after death or else life would be meaningless (actually, he used a different but similar word that I can't remember). He considered reincarnation as ridiculous but heaven/hell a possibility. He said that he hoped he would go to heaven, but we won't know til then right? I answered by saying, "I think people should know before we get there. Otherwise it's pointless, right?" We talked a little more and I invited him to KCM Friend's Night. I told him that I was to bring a non-Christian friend to hear the gospel. He said maybe. I thought the conversation was over but later on, he brought it back up and asked what exactly they'll be saying. I said, "the gospel" "What's that?" I foolishly assumed that just because he went to church for a number of years that the gospel was clear to him. Thus, I gave him a mere 45 second splurge of the gospel, assuming he knew the details. However, over the years I have become aware that a lot of small churches to not preach the gospel of Jesus Christ. They preach "Christian values." After dinner, I caught my mistake and decided to come over to his place for a while. Maybe I'll have another opportunity. I asked to see a picture of his older sisters. My intention was to ask about his middle sister, who happened to be a Christian. Then, I could carry the discussion. However, he didn't have a picture. AFter 30 minutes of talking about other things, I noticed the candles in his room. Turning off the T.V. I suggested checking out his room with all the candles on and the lights off. It created a more solemn mood, although the radio was playing hip-hop. After talking about a few other things, I said, "Did you say that you believed in God?" By God's grace I was able to talk to him about God's holiness, justice, mercy, and love. For two minutes I told him that God's wrath against sinners (holiness, justice) was complemented by his love for them expressed in the death of his only Son, Jesus Christ (mercy, love). Then, I went back home.

My prayer times with Albert have been quite a blessing. It is great to have a friend to pray with regularly. In today's time of prayer, I was humbled by God and convicted of sins of omission. I sensed a growing pride in myself because this week had been so good. What an unworthy servant I am to be proud of not indulging in sins of commission! I had been living in such mediocrity of faith that I praise myself for reaching near-normalcy! This has been such a blessed week, filled with God's direction and voice. But shouldn't this be normal? Shouldn't this always be the case and more? Modern day Christians have become content with mere visions of glory. What wretched sinners we are! Praise God for his mercy. He has given me visions and a yearning for more.

I have often thought that the Lord intended for me to go into the mission field as an engineer. I know that the Lord has called me to China and North Korea but engineering was never part of the conviction. Naturally, I thought that would be the avenue because God had opedned doors in the direction. I need to seek God's will in this matter because I feel so presumptuous. It may not be God's will. I would like to minister more to the "common people", not their upper class, educated class. I don't want to be so limited.

How long must I wait until I am there? A million people die every month without hearing the Gospel. How can I stay in the comforts of America when people are dying out there - for something so may Christians take for granted: the knowledge of the Lord.

Malachi 2:6 teaches me my duty as a youth pastor. The rebuke goes out to the priests of Israel, but is not the Body of Christ a royal priesthood (1 Peter 2:9)? A priest is a minister of God's message. Isn't every Christian, (though the majority would deny it with their lifestyle)? The three majors of a priest is in speech, lifestyle, and discipleship. It applies to my ministry to youth group as it does to my life as a light in this world. Lord, help me to take this to heart and forgive me for my lack of will in doing your will.

Although I've had some missionary (short-term) experience, reading through Spiritual Secret of Hudson Taylor is like taking a course in Missions 101.

Oh how foolish I was to have sinned so much in the past. Sin numbs one's ears to God's still small voice. God's words have been encouraging me most these past few days. Praise God for his grace!

I was almost shaking when God led me to read Ezekiel 33:7. I only heard hints of His voice, so I took out my Bible to hear exactly what He was saying. As a Christian and bearer of the truth, I am a watchman for the group of unbelievers that I know. I must tell these friends of the coming Judgement. There is no excuse for delay, for salvation, or judgement is near. I keep waiting (or so I tell myself) for the best opportunity when they'll be open to the gospel. True, we must be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit, but a watchman doesn't wait til there are hearers. he brings up a cry that all may hear, even if only a few take heed. It is my job to speak, but God's job to save. "How can they hear without a preacher?"