Today I attended a barbecue to celebrate the nineteenth birthday of a good friend of mine. The afternoon was hot, and an hour of chatting ladies up had left me in need of a good drink. Of course, being nineteen myself, all spirits were off-limits to me (besides the Holy Spirit, which... eh, I got nothing.) And thus, armed only with various juices and sodas, a bowl of grapes, a Pilsner glass, and dietary habits that would make Ozzy Osbourne retch, I set out to craft the ultimate thirst-quencher. Without using alcohol. Anyway, here's what I made.

• 2 parts mango juice
• 1 part pineapple/orange/banana juice
• Cubed ice

Pretty basic. Put ice in the glass, then add mango juice, then add the other one. Basically, the only thing at all interesting about this drink is its name, which you have to admit fits right in with the cocktail crowd.

• 1 part Sierra Mist
• 1 part pineapple juice
• 2 green grapes
• Cubed ice
• One orange rind

Put the ice in the glass, followed by the Sierra Mist and then the juice. Then crush the grapes into the glass and drop their dessicated remains in. Tear off a piece of orange rind, tear a little notch in it and put it on the rim of the glass as if it were a piece of lemon. The mixed fruit flavors mix with the smell of oranges for one fruity experience. By the way, this one goes well with brown-sugared ribs.

• Ginger ale
• Pineapple juice
• 2-5 green grapes
• Crushed ice
• One orange rind

Start with ice in a glass, then fill it with ginger ale almost to the top. Add in just a little bit of pineapple juice (I put in what I would estimate at around a teaspoon, but I'm horrible with measurements.) Pinch the grapes until their skin just breaks, then drop them in (I used two, but my drink probably effectively had more, as the remains of grapes from previous formulas were lying in the bottom of the glass, which I didn't bother changing or washing out between drinks.) Finally, tear off a piece of orange rind, tear a notch in it and put it on the rim of your glass, as with the last drink. This exquisite-looking mixture will have people asking you questions, such as "where can I get a drink like that?" and "how much liquid have you consumed today?"

• 1 part ginger ale
• 1 part Diet Pepsi
• Pineapple juice
• 2-7 green grapes
• Crushed ice
• One orange rind

Put the ice in the glass, followed by the Diet Pepsi and then the ginger ale. Using a fork, puncture the skin of the grapes and drop them in (again, I used two, but I'll allow more, as the grapes from previous drinks were still sitting in my glass.) Add a small amount of pineapple juice to taste, and put a piece of orange rind on the rim as with previous drinks. Stir well before serving. Also, note that this drink rapidly starts to look like tea.