叫んでも聞こえないこの声

Grab bag of verbosity

I recall being told as a child that I had no patience. "mei yo nai shin" was something I heard pretty often. I wonder from time to time if that's changed since then. I've put in some effort (maybe not enough) to try and improve that standing, and while I would like to believe that I've managed to become at least a bit more patient, I can't help but wonder if I could be doing better. I probably could. I probably should. But there's a time to be patient and a time to put your foot down and say you're not going to deal with this shit. Or maybe that's just the sentiment of people who couldn't bring themselves to develop patience trying to justify their way of life. Or maybe it really is true and is something that should be followed, because damned if you're going to let someone walk all over you.

But really all it is is a difference in perspective. Choose the reality you want to see and just run with it. You can choose to see tomorrow as another day where you need to trudge yourself to school to deal with more stress and the un-ending pressure of having to perform well so you don't disappoint the ones around you (but it's hard so very hard and try as you might it seems your best is never good enough but nobody ever supports you they just look at you in that way that lets you know exactly what it is they're really thinking), or you can choose to see tomorrow as another day to try and be a better person for yourself, for the people you care about, for the world, for whatever it is that drives you to keep going on in life (though whether the cause is for better or worse is another issue entirely). Or you can see tomorrow as just another day. Or you can see it as a bright place filled with wonder and hope. Or you can see it as drawing one day closer to dying. Or you can see it as one more day of living. Call yourself a realist or a cynic or a pessimist or an optimist or a pragmatist or whatever other name makes you a bit happier and helps you get through your day.

It's all just perspective.

Tomorrow could be drawing one day closer until deadline. Or it could be one day closer until I leave. Or one day closer until I find just exactly what it is that I'm made of and how far I can push my mind and body and spirit and all that jazz...and if I can take it one, two, or three more steps beyond. Or I could see it as the day before my last class. Or the day before I head out for a 10-day long trip to Kyushyu, Nagasaki, Fukuoka, Shikoku, or any of the other places that are on the agenda for the coming week and a half. Or it could be just as another gray and rainy day that reflects upon an already tired soul. Or it could be another gray and rainy day but lifts the spirits as the rain cleanses away all the mental dirt that's collected.

But it's easy to take on a dark perspective, so very easy. And it seems to me that the people who do will justify their positions and call themselves realists and point fingers and say those who choose the lighter perspective are dreamers who don't have their feet grounded in reality. But there's having one's feet in the ground and having one's feet buried and unable to move, and it'd be the act of a fool to be so quick to latch onto one mode of thought simply because it's so easy. You can say the people who look to the light are lying to themselves just as easily as you can say the people who cling to the dark are lying to themselves. But really none of it matters because it's all perspective, and any other stance is grounded in just as much perspective. And try as you might to whittle away the perspective and unearth what it is that's really there, everything that you think has already been tainted by perspective, and each change only unearths a new perspective, until you can't help but wonder if there really is something real and true. And maybe it'll be a jewel. Or maybe it'll be a lump of clay (but that's a jewel in its own right if only you recognize it).

For some inexplicable reason, I'm inclined to think the discovery, assuming it were possible, would be anticlimactic. Like what people in military service describe breaking someone's neck in real life to be like. Sometimes you can't even tell if you've done it properly, there's no crunching sound or obvious change in resistance in the neck since you're turning the head so quickly. I suppose the person's body suddenly going limp might be a sign, but for that brief moment before that happens I imagine they wonder if they've done it right and will get to live on or if they've screwed up and are about to get a bullet in the gullet.

Two days until I head to Kyushyu.
Four weeks until I find out what it is I'm made of, or at least get a better idea.

This month is shaping up to be an interesting time. I hope I learn some good lessons out of it, even if they're lessons that I've learned before but have forgotten since. Especially if they're forgotten lessons.

But first, a moment to rest. Good night moon. Good night stars.

Good night dream.