There is something tantalizing in only catching snippets of lyrics, pieces of meaning, miniscule motions of thought. It's never quite the same once you get the whole song. Then you know what's there, you know what's going on, and then it's not quite as interesting when you've explored it all. The forest is magical because you don't know what's in it. The people you meet are fascinating because they're new and different (hopefully). The sounds you hear are enchanting because they're unlike what you've experienced before.
Novelty is a powerful force. Even greater is the novelty of discovering beauty one peek at a time.
About half a year ago, there was a bum who once asked me about my life (love life, in particular, in an effort to get some money, of course). When I was fishing in my pocket for some money, I had intended to grab a dollar...but mistakenly gave him a ten instead. I thought to myself then "bloody hell that's an assload of money." The thought that followed was "hmm well who knows...maybe it was worth it." Tonight, I've come to the conclusion that it is. I can't remember exactly what he said, but this is what it boils down to:
"When things don't go right with the women, speak no ill of them, say no harsh words, and just game on. Get out there, and just keep working your game."
I once had a friend. Back in high school we'd screw around together a lot, not really giving a damn about anything. Then there was some drama, and when he got to college he decided that he'd been given a new chance to work things out right, to play things by the rules and do good this time around. This time around, there'd be no more throwing his life to the wind, he'd make something of himself.
And I was glad for him, for he had found direction.
I soon found that he spent the bulk of his time somewhere between the gym, eating, sleeping, or studying. He would be out at the library studying until the wee hours of the morning, with hardly enough time to say to me "alright dude I gotta sleep, see ya" before disappearing again. On some rare occasion he'd make a mention of the situation with his roommate, or how life was at the gym.
And I was glad for him, for he was living out his dream to start anew.
Time passed, and every now and then there'd be a hiccup in the road, but by and large he was making excellent progress in school, getting high grades that mine were nowhere near matching, and building his body up to levels well above his peers. He had found a role model of sorts, who had been able to pull himself from his current school up to a better one, something that most have said is near impossible. He came to see that what he wanted was possible, and kept reaching for his stars.
And I was glad for him, for he was well on his way to reaching his goal.
But it seems that somewhere along the line, something changed. He became entirely focused on outdoing someone else, "dominating" as he liked to put it. Little by little I heard less about how he was going to work hard and more about how he had dominated this person or that. It also seemed that his opinion on women had gone a similar direction, where the goal had become domination. At the time, I didn't think too much of it. He'd had enough past experiences to harbor an amount of frustrartion and anger, and that was understandable. I doubt he'd admit it (and he'd probably get angry or become otherwise offended at my comment), but it really does strike me that his actions are motivated by a subconscious sort of anger.
"Domination" doesn't exactly strike me as the sort of word someone free from anger would use to denote their intentions toward another person.
And so I saw this friend of mine tonight. I had been chatting a bit before with another friend, the one whom the former had looked to as a role model. It's readily apparent now just how pervasive the influence has been. I remember a time when he would say "I'm trying to be a nice guy but god damn it things just aren't working out." Now it seems all I hear is "I'm going to dominate her ass." I suppose that sort of thing by itself would at least be understandable, though I have my reservations on that.
I'd always thought that he was a really respectful and courteous person. I had hoped time would not change that, but as is apparent to me now, time is more powerful than I'd imagined.
I value common courtesy. When someone holds a door for you, you say thank you. When someone buys you dinner, you say thank you. When someone needs a hand, you offer to help if it's within your capacity.
Simple things.
Not making a scene in a restaurant or cafe or elsewhere. Not cursing loudly at people who've done you no wrong (and even when they have it's rather questionable). Not going out of your way to make someone else's day that much more unbearable just so your load is lightened a bit, and for a moment, you can feel good about yourself.
Simple things.
I want to believe there is still a potential for him to be like he used to be, sharing everything he had with friends in that simple, straightforward way he had of showing that he cared about people. I want to believe that not everything that is good and right in the world is consumed by anger, fear, and resentment. I want to believe that somewhere in him there is still someone who's mind is not focused solely on dominating other people, or being better than someone, or living based on quelling the feelings of deficiency within by pointing out the flaws of others.
Being goal oriented does not mean making getting a higher GPA priority number one.
Having a purpose in life does not mean having to be better than everyone else.
Sometimes, when you try too hard to be better than other people, you come to discover that while you were busy working to be better than them in one arena, they've become better than you in life.
There was a bit of a disappointment tonight in seeing some friends, but that's something best left in a talk with them rather than an entry on a journal (though given the current situation I might find myself with the motivation to write on it later).
I ran down to Riverside on Wednesday and Thursday to hang out with Vincent and Louise, which was some good company after having mostly hung around at home doing nothing.
On Wednesday I went with Louise to her taiji class. There were these curious characters in her class whom would have never been seen in one of the taiji classes at Berkeley (actually, the only taiji class...). It was amusing watching your classic fat smelly egg trying to do something Asian (taiji) and failing completely (going completely against fundamental taiji principles). I later managed to get Louise and Vincent to play hooky with the rest of their classes and hang out in Louise's room doing bits and pieces of nothing and just whittling the day away. Eventually the day drew to a close as we finished dinner at a pho place and I took off for home after some other random hanging aroundabout.
I dropped by again on Thursday afternoon to take a looksy at some of Louise's classes before going with her and Vincent to her school's anime club (I have a thing for amusing myself at the expense of others). Her computer science class was mostly nonsense, but it was *excellent* seeing her teacher completely explode and go nuts on how he was trying to help and nobody cared and so on so forth. I've found that teaching becomes a lot easier when you give up on trying to help those who don't care enough to help themselves. Which isn't to say that I don't think one shouldn't help people, but just that you should offer your help, and if people don't want it, then fine, let it go. Taking it personally just gives you higher blood pressure. After that I took a stop at her world literature class, which wasn't too interesting (but it seems people ask a lot of silly questions...I'll refrain from commenting on the calibur of students since there were a good number of rather poorly minded folks at Berkeley as well). Next was a trip to the anime club, which we didn't do much at (except spot a few eggs and then call it a night because I was bored and hungry). Wari, who was supposed to go clubbing with me, had to bail at the last minute because her parents decided to put her on lockdown, so I managed to get Louise and Vincent to say "to hell with it all!" and go clubbing with me. So off to LA it was, where Perversion awaited.
To note, this was a day that just was not my friend. First the freeways I needed to go on were closed. Then it turns out Louise forgot her ID at Riverside. Then when we tried calling people (5? 10?) none of them answered their cells. And then the freeways we needed to get on were nowhere to be seen again. And finally we found an ID from my old roommate Louise. And that turned out to be expired. So then Louise, when faced with the question by the bouncer, "do you have any other form of ID?" hands him her school ID...with a different name on it. And a bug got squished on my car's windshield. And parking was nowhere to be found (after I got stuck in a one-way parking entrance). So by the time all was settled and done, it was about 1am, and Perv closes at 2am, but we went in anyways. Louise and Vincent watched mostly (though Louise did go in for a bit to try out dancing..didn't seem to like it too much though), so I ended up just doing a few songs by myself. There was this curious Asian fellow with an outfit that resembled something Michael Jackson might wear...and then a few other attractive girls, and a lot more unattractive girls. Of note was this other guy who had the nicest figure...Louise and Vincent both seemed to pick up on it too. Too bad he had a pretty ugly face. Ah well, such is the way the cookie crumbles.
So eventually we go back to Riverside, stop by a Denny's to pick me up some food, and I finally get home around 5am.
Friday then proceeded to be boring, and Saturday just closed on a bit of a low note...but more on that later.
Suffice it to say that every now and then, despite my best efforts, I find myself disappointed in people I know. I imagine this sort of thing brings forth accusations of me being a judgemental person, and you're damn straight I am. I care about the direction my friends are heading, and it makes me sad when I think that they're going toward an end that isn't good for them and isn't good for the people around them. Whether or not they agree is their business, but nonetheless I will maintain my opinion, unlike some other folks who don't seem to care about anything and will write all things off as "hey, whatever floats their boat." I am not in the business of casting my friends to the winds and saying "whatever happens to you is not my business," because it is.