In a few days, I'll be packing up and leaving Tokyo and the east side of this island of Japan for the west side (though it's actually more of a midwest area, only it's not all hick'ed out like the US is). I'll be off to Kyoto for a few days for my homestay, followed by moving to Osaka to settle down for the rest of my stay here, until September of next year.
Goodbye Musashi Urawa, where I ate, laughed, got lost, got a haircut (finally), shopped, wandered, and met three fascinating dormmates; where I lived.
Goodbye Yotsuya, where I had to go to school for six weeks learning things that I thought had no application, only to find what I had learned all around me.
Goodbye Ikebukuro, where all roads lead to Bic Camera. Your theme song will live in my head forever.
Goodbye Harajuku, with your high school teenage gothic lolita children who somehow have all sorts of money to blow on awesome costumes and just hang out on a bridge on Sunday afternoons.
Goodbye Shinjuku, where I bought my first airsoft gun, partied, drank, sang at karaoke, visited and partied at the gay district, had my first lesbian rejection, and generally tore things up.
Goodbye Ueno, my virginous TGIF trip in Japan where I had a sweet sweet burger...mmm burger.
Goodbye Akabane, where the uber-crowded Saikyo line finally cleared up so I could (sometimes) get a seat instead of standing for a half hour or more to get home.
Goodbye Takadanobaba, home of the ever awesome Kuroneko, where many a yen was spent (all for memories which were worth all that and more), and my first live Japanese concert at AREA; there are too many memories from here to write in this little space.
Goodbye Shibuya, cousin of Shinjuku, where I partied, drank, ate, sang, clubbed, watched people pass out after our all-night outings, and lived up a hedonistic life.
And most of all, goodbye to all my friends whom I will be leaving here. Every moment's been precious, and you will all be missed dearly.
Goodbye Tokyo. It's been grand.
A friend of mine once told me that she had lived her life without regret.
I wish I could say the same.
It's been more than two years, and still I'm not sure how I feel about you. Things have gone up, things have gone down, and yet, somehow, I find myself still coming back to you after all is said and done. I suppose you might just be magnetic that way (and who could blame you for that?). Your words flow with passion and life; they etch themselves in my memory not as words, but as feelings and moments. Memories of the little things you do (that look in your eyes, the way you smiled, that time in the park you tried to furtively sneak in a kiss) play back in my head without rest, without pause, without the slightest hint of fading away into nothingness like so many other memories do.
You've invaded my mind, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
But it seems that good things simply aren't meant to last (and as it seems to be in this case, don't show themselves to be good until they're out of reach), and there doesn't seem to be anyone to blame for it but me. This is that part where I look back at things that I could have should have but didn't do and wonder for a moment where my head was in that moment when I could have pulled you close to me and forgotten about the rest of the world for a moment. I could have should have but didn't tell you the way I felt about you before I left and went far away out of reach out of sight and out of mind.
I want to say that it's okay, you should go do what will make you happy and bring you comfort. I want to believe that if you decide to be with someone else that I will genuinely wish the two of you will. There are a lot of things I'd like to believe, but somehow, I'm pretty sure that if it really did become the case where you decide to be with someone (temporal purely physical just a bit more than friends fuck buddy guy to fool around with boyfriend lover soulmate call him what you want it's all the same to me)...well, it's probably better for me to not think about that case and deal with it when the time comes.
You ask me why I don't open up to you and tell you how I feel. I tell you now that it's because you hold what's left of my heart in your hands, and it's something very easily broken.
Since I'm supposed to take qualities from both Aries and Taurus (being born in the Aries-Taurus cusp), I figured I should post this one too, again from the same place (that, and I'm too tired to write a real entry at 2:30a):
Randy Chung is an energetic Aries with an irrepressible zest for life. When you need a problem solving or a decision making, Randy Chung is the ideal candidate for the job. If you are ever worried about how to handle something - or you need someone you can absolutely rely on - Randy will be the first to stride forward boldly declaring "Don't worry we'll soon sort THIS out."
And, what's more, he will.
Randy Chung is not the kind of person to issuean empty promise. What Randy says Randy does - regardless of the consequences! That's part of the trouble. Randy just doesn't know how to play the game of 'consequences'. He likes to live for the moment. He likes to throw himself passionately into whatever he happens to be feeling, thinking (or lusting after) right here right now. That's why Randy usually ends up getting whatever he wants. That's also why, regardless of what he gets, he always ends up wanting something else!
It is not that Randy is fickle, more that he is fast. Fast on the uptake, fast on the trigger, fast on his feet and fast with his thoughts. He may give you the impression of being calm, and measured but inside his head, there's a state of the art computer, processing information at the speed of light. His ideas are not the only things that can come and go in a hurry. Sometimes Randy's moods are just as mercurial. One moment he is secretly seething, the next; perfectly poised. You can usually tell though - because Randy rarely hides his feelings.
You can't help loving Randy Chung because no matter what he does or what he says you know that he has a heart as big as a mountain.
...which is why I went to here which gave me this:
Randy Chung
A very special Taurean
Randy Chung is deeply sensual. His senses of touch, smell and sight are highly refined. And as for his taste? It's impeccable. Randy is extremely discriminating - when he sees the best, he won't ever settle for anything less. He would rather 'go without' than go for a poor substitute. But then that's Randy all over. It really isn't fair to call him 'stubborn as a mule.' Mules are adaptable, easy going creatures who are always eager to please - or at least, they are by comparison to Randy Chung. Unfortunately, for a person with such expensive preferences Randy is not a millionaire ...or at least, not yet. You never know, it may just happen because Randys' relationship with money is very interesting. He treats it with a curious mixture of disdain and respect. He never lets it stand in his way, yet he will go out of his way to get it when he needs to. Randy is a smart cookie and a shrewd operator. It is not though, merely in the field of finance that Randy Chung displays intuitive wisdom.
Randy has an affinity with nature. He can make almost any plant flower and bear fruit. This is just as well because Randy has a hearty appetite. He likes his food as indeed he likes all his creature comforts. Fond though he is of all the above - and of all life's little luxuries - there is one more source of endless fascination that Randy cannot resist. Randy doesn't so much have a hearty appetite for sensual pleasure as a ravenous hunger for it! Which is funny really because you wouldn't necessarily think it to look at him. Randy likes to play it cool. Randy likes to pretend that nothing bothers him, fazes him or excites him. Like all Taureans though, Randy Chung is a powerhouse of passion, as those who are lucky enough to know him - or to love him - will breathlessly testify.
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Mmm food. Sure do love that!
This past Tuesday I took my Japanese final, and on Wednesday, ended my six week tenure at JLI's intensive language program. If all went according to plan (and by calculation they're reasonably close), I should have made bare minimum for an A. Of course, there are always things that go wrong (always always always) so in all likeliness it's probably a B. I could pretend to care...but really I don't. And thus ended that miniature chapter of my life...though given the number of things I've done, the people I've met, and the memories which echo still through the caverns of my mind it's been less of a chapter and more of a volume. Goodbye JLI, soon it will be goodbye Tokyo, and hello to Osaka.
And like the phoenix which rises from the ashes, with each end comes a beginning, I've recently picked up writing music again. I imagine I've mentioned it before, but it's rather early in the morning and I don't quite know why I'm still up, so I'll say it again. Robert, a classmate from ILP, and I decided to start writing some stuff (together? Individually? I don't recall anymore). I haven't had too much time to play around seeing how there was school, but now that that's ended, I've had a bit more of an oppurtunity to try and get something hammered out. Every now and again I put what I'm working on at http://music.ieatchildren.com/InProgress so if anyone's actually curious about it they can go take a listen at whatever snippet I have completed.
I'm still finding it a bit difficult to come up with something to say, though. I was at Kuroneko the other night with Robert, chatting with Motoki, and somehow or other the conversation came around to why Motoki made music. He talked about how he wanted to leave something of his existence, where maybe someday someone will find his music and he'll live on in that sense. I got around to thinking about what it is I want to do with my music, and the only thing I could come up with that felt really right is that I want to put down emotion, so that maybe one day someone will listen to something I've made and feel a resonating chord struck within them. I suppose the irony of this is that I tend to be a rather emotionally dead person, so what am I doing trying to convey emotion? Must be another mystery of the universe...
In more superficial news, I cut my hair. After two years of growing it out to the point where it was reaching about the lower middle part of my back, I hacked off about a foot or so of it and have it relatively short again. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to go about fixing it up, but hopefully given some time and an excessive amount of wax I'll be able to get it to do something reasonable.
And while there aren't many of me (certainly none with short hair), I put up some more pictures at http://images.ieatchildren.com The categories haven't changed too much for the most part, but I added some photos to the existing ones (particularly, JLI ILP and fooling around).
With that, good night, rest well, and may the end of this day bring with it a joyous new one.
There comes a time in any relationship wherein one questions the value of remaining friends with someone. Of what benefit to you are they? Do they make you laugh? Do they listen to you when you have a heavy word hanging upon your heart? Do they share in the precious moments of your life and look back on yesterday with the same fondness you do?
Or are they there only when it's convenient for them? Do they do and say things that by all appearances are jests yet nonetheless cleave a rift in your heart and leave you hanging limp and lifeless, with nothing but an emotionless smile on your face pretending that you're alright, that you're okay, that everything's fine?
Sometimes it's really rough being friends with someone you can see but can't reach, who can hear you but doesn't listen, whose dreams hang on a star that is not your own.
Each word that escapes your mouth binds you tighter to the nothing (that is somehow still something), and for a moment -- just a moment -- you wish you were struck blind deaf and dumb so you could hide from their eyes that don't see you, their words that do not reach you, and their emotionless words of care.
A number of years ago, when I first started writing music, my source of inspiration was a girl I was interested in at the time. Fast forward 7 years, and fundamentally nothing's changed. The only difference is that while before it was an influence that had a positive note, now it's an influence that has a negative note. This brings to mind a few memorable quotes:
"Women: the source and solution to all of my problems" -- me
"When it's good, it's real good, but when it's bad, man it's hell" -- Chirag (paraphrased by me because I don't really remember too clearly anymore)
"Get a girlfriend, lose all your friends" -- No clue
"Get a girlfriend, lose all your money" -- me, affirmed by Paul
Tangentially, I find it rather awkward to hear about people (via journals or otherwise) and not have a picture to match to the name. There's something about knowing what someone looks like that's just more comforting when you're talking to them (or reading about them, or talking about them, or whatever the case may be. Media's getting complicated these days).
Back to my original train of thought (train: that thing that is rumored to have killed a person in the area just a day ago), lately it seems that women have been more of a bane than a boon (but that could very well be my fault, and in most cases it usually is). Incidentally, it's also led to another hardening of the heart (a problem from previous times) and a bit more anger than is probably healthy. And now this entry's become more boring than I can stand, so until I have more of the title of this entry, I'll call it a night.
On a sidenote, pictures have been updated again.
Recent events: Club Lolita Alamode, Izakaya drinking revisited
Club Lolita Alamode:
Robert (picture coming...eventually...) and I decided to hit up this party since Motoki (the Kuroneko owner/bartender/band singer) asked us if we wanted to be put on the guest list, so we figured sure, why not. I wasn't particularly looking forward to this event because Tokyo Dark Castle didn't really suit me very well (didn't like the music, club area was pretty bad too), but as it turns out it's a good thing I decided to go (seeing how events from earlier on in the night had put me in bad spirits and I needed to get away).
This was a much better club.
The music was a lot more industrial, Motoki was working the bar that night, and the usual Kuroneko crowd (the ones Robert and I can't really talk to because of the language barrier) showed up, so we all chilled for a bit, and I ended up dancing for most of the night (between 1-5am that is). It's nice getting out and just moving around for a bit, feel a bit of life in your body.
We met this curious fellow named Steven, who was the only other white person there. We saw him at Tokyo Dark Castle too, so I figured I'd say hi, and we got his card. Odd what sort of people one runs into at these events...he looked completely un-goth. The other people (mostly girls), on the other hand, were delightfully lolita-goth'ed. That's the good stuff.
Izakaya:
There's not too much to say about this event, other than there was a lot of drinking, a little bit of eating, and a lot of sharing. As has been said earlier, what happens in the izakaya stays in the izakaya. But! There are photos, which can be found (in varying amounts of disarray) at http://images.ieatchildren.com I'll figure out how to organize them better later (or maybe download software for it eventually).
Until the next fun-filled event.
I give you the courage to do the things you want to do, and you turn around and blame me for what you do with it.
I give you the chance to do new and different things, and when you do you turn around and call me a bad influence.
I give you different ways of thinking, and you turn around and tell me I'm corrupting you.
I've never forced you to do a thing. All I do is show you what there is and how to do it. Don't blame me for your inability to keep yourself in check.
...and things haven't changed too much. Since coming here, that is. Compared to my somewhat reclusive lifestyle from the previous year (which tends to happen when you spend all your time at school, working, coding, or trying to squeeze in an hour or so of relaxing time in a day so you don't forget why it is you're alive), this past month of being 5000 miles away from any sort of authority figure has been one long party.
You know there's something going on when your teachers associate you with:
a) Japanese high school girls
b) Gay clubbing
c) Drinking
d) Partying every weekend
It's like I've become the stereotypical frat boy. How bizarre (horrifying?). Without further ado, then, on to what I've been doing.
Two weeks ago:
I went to another gay club called Ace, which had come recommended by Sowa (from Kuroneko fame, who is currently in Kyoto at an international fashion design competition)'s friend. That night was apparently a big party being thrown called Over The Rainbow, where all the gay and lesbian college kids come out to play.
And here comes one of the more embarassing moments of my life.
First, I had a few drinks (as with most every other party as of late), and then went to the dance floor (if you can call the tiny space that) and get my groove on. Sometime afterwards Dickson decides to join me for a moment, and spots this one girl I'd been looking at who looked real good. I mean real good. Not hot, not beautiful, but really cute, and really pretty. He decides to go to her and tell her he thinks she's cute before running away, and I decide I'd better let that spot cool down for a while before making a return. So I go dance around some more, and there's this one girl who's a pretty good dancer (and I love a good dancer) so I danced up to her a bit, and a bit later there's a bit of freak dancing going on. Soon afterwards she takes off and starts getting real up close to some random girl and I'm thinking to myself "Well now what was that?" Dumped for another girl. Why does this sound familiar?
After a bit more time, it's time to go, and I run upstairs to the street level to meet up with Dickson and co., only to decide at the last minute to run back downstairs and make a last minute effort to get that really pretty girl's number. The conversation goes something like this:
Me: Excuse me, can I get your name?
Her: Junko
Me: I'm Randy, can I get your number?
Her: Eh!? You're a guy aren't you!? I'm a lesbian, that's not going to work.
Me: ...(insert look of complete idiocy)
That's about when I decided that there'd be no more gay clubbing for me for a while.
Fast forward to...
Last week:
I decided I'm an alcoholic.
Thursday: Went to an English pub with dormmate fratboy Jordan, met up with his friend Jeff, and ran into this girl Betty, whom I knew from way back when through Mike Yen and other such acquaintances. Bizarre. We go drinking, I discover they have both spiritus (that lovely 96% alcohol drink) and absinthe (that love child of weed and alcohol). I had a shot of spiritus (along with some other drinks that tasted like bubble gum ice cream), but decided to pass on the absinthe (for now...maybe later). Slight buzz, but not drunk. Damn.
Friday: I went to TGIF (yes they have that here)'s happy hour from 5-7, drinking it up with some friends from EAP. Afterwards I head to Kuroneko with Robert, where we drink some more until midnightish. Slight buzz, but still not drunk. Damn.
Saturday: I went out to dinner with Sakura (a really pretty girl from Berkeley that was in my Japanese class despite being infinitely better than everyone else there that I never really got to know) and Jordan. A funky Japanese'd Italian restaurant with some pretty good carbonalla. After that it was off to karaoke with about half (probably more) of all the EAP students at the language school, where we got an all-you-can-drink room for an hour and a half while we karaoke'd it up. I started off easy with just one drink, but towards the end of the night I had four or five drinks in front of me at once. By the end of the night, Sakura and I were pounding down drinks one after another because they were vapidly weak and we were trying to at least catch a buzz. Didn't really work. Around midnight, we were going to go to another bar to drink up some more, but Robert reminded me that we had a goth party (Tokyo Dark Castle) to go to, so he and I took off while Sakura and Jordan went to the English pub (the other folks all left for home).
Tokyo Dark Castle:
I seem to have a tendency to get lost in Japan. Robert and I arrive in Shibuya, ready to look for some random Japanese people who look like they're going to be going to Tokyo Dark Castle and end up running into one random girl who turns out to be as lost as we are. We run around together for two hours until we finally find it, and get in around 2am (not too bad since it started at midnight). We saw some concerts, some dj's were spinning, all sorts of goth'ed out Japanese people (and let it be known that the Japanese folks do infinitely better at costumes than American people. Pfft American goth, bah), and mixed in somewhere amongst all that...the SM show. I'd never been to an SM show before, so this was, to say the least, interesting. Highlights of the show: 1) Guy whipping girl; 2) Guy piercing girl across the nipple, in the arm, in the neck, and in the tongue with pins (yes, I said neck); 3) Guy waxing girl (not to remove hair, more along the lines of with intent to inflict pain); 4) Random fingerbanging and the like mixed in during the show; 5) Other girl comes out, pisses in a beaker, takes some in her mouth and passes it to victim girl, then passes said beaker to guy, who pisses in turn in it, taking a bit in his mouth and passing to victim girl, concluding that portion with victim girl drinking down the rest of the beaker. Simply fascinating. Of course, most people who hear me tell this story don't share the same opinion, but that's all good.
Upon reflection, I don't like Japanese live concerts very much. Too much of a rock feel to it, and they always play the songs with the harsh bass and drumbeats that I can't stand. I'm a melody kind of guy. And so, since I've decided that most of this music doesn't sit well with me, Robert (other goth guy) and I are fooling around with some synth software to make our own stuff. Maybe this will actually take off instead of dying like so many other projects of mine.
Sunday: On the 7th day, I rested.
So then this week's been coming along, and yesterday (Tuesday) I went out to a drinking/snacking party with a bunch of other EAP folks. There was an interesting game of Ten Fingers, but the contents of said game are best left within the walls of the restaurant. Suffice it to say that some people have very interesting stories.
And now, I'll have to rest a bit so I can be ready for Friday, which will consist of the following:
5-7p TGIF happy hour
7-??p karaoke
12p-5a goth dinner party (Alamode Night)
12 hours of drinking/eating, socializing, and general good times.
This country is awesome.