Hello. How are you? We haven't talked in a very long time. I often lie awake in bed watching the mooncast shadows dancing on the ceiling while wondering where you might be, and who you might be with. I wonder if you're doing well; are you in good health and good spirits? Do you wake up in the morning with a smile and a sigh of joy? Maybe you don't smile until you've turned over in bed to snuggle your head in his arms; one way or another, though, I hope you're happy. I wonder if you're ever curious about how I'm doing.
Let me indulge myself for a moment and tell you a bit about how I've been.
Life has been good to me since we said our good-byes and our take-cares and our have-a-nice-life's. I dated around with a few random women, dabbling here and there in that way I tend to when I can't be with the person I want to be with more than anyone else. I tried the goth thing; it didn't work out. I tried the sorority girl thing; that didn't work out either. I tried the generic clingy Asian girl to see what that'd be like; it didn't work out. There was another girl, though: the first one I dated.
It's funny how that worked out. She's been my girlfriend for about 8 months now, and I couldn't be happier with her. I hope you're as happy with the person you're with as I am. Every time she comes up in conversation, I end up saying that she's awesome, and I have no idea what she's doing with a bit of gutter trash like me. Maybe she just has poor taste in guys, or is more comfortable with dating below herself. She just laughs every time I say that, though, and tells me I'm wonderful. Kind of like how you used to.
What I want to know, more than anything, is this: are you happy? Did the path you chose lead you a step, maybe even two, closer to happiness? It's not entirely out of selflessness that I hope you were able to find something to make you smile (you're so very pretty when you do). I'd like to believe that everything I went through, that I put myself through, had some good come out of it. So if you're happy, if holding his hand makes your heart skip a beat and his whispers in your ear make you blush, then I'm glad for you, truly.
It's funny how relationships and feelings were always such a big thing with you and me. In retrospect, it's not too hard to see why: we both savor the moment, the fleeting fractions of half-moments you only realize once it's passed. Does each moment still count for you? Does each second tick an eternity when you're waiting to see him? Does the time still disappear from before you when you're together and it's time to part too quickly, too soon?
These are the thoughts that run through my mind in those quiet hours of the night, when it's just the glow of an incandescent light and me keeping the moon and the night company. It's too bad we stopped talking to each other; I wonder if we'll ever start again. And if we did, would it be the same? (It's never the same.)
I'm going to be leaving soon. I'm moving to Seattle, you see. I'm going there to work, maybe for a year, probably no more than two before I quit and try to strike it on my own. People tell me it's a really good job and the pay's great; I think it's meh-okay. The Postal Service is from the area (I think it's just the guy). You introduced that band to me, and I've come to like them a lot more over the last year or two. Sometimes I can't stand listening to them because it reminds me too much of you; sometimes it feels like you were trying to tell me something in that sideways way of yours.
By the way, I've kept your letter. I took it out, once, back around November or so to read again. I wonder if you realize how much of an impact you've had on my life, for better or for worse. I've been told that I'm a much angrier, bitter person and I have a tendency to hate women and look down upon them. I hope that's not true anymore. Being with my girlfriend has really helped level me out (she's great). I guess in the end, despite all that happened between you and me, things turned out alright. For me, at least, and hopefully for you too. I'm happy, in case you ever wonder, maybe even worry, about me.
So I guess what I really want to say is, I hope you're happily with him still. If not, then I hope you'll come talk to me again sometime, and I can try to put a smile (or maybe just a mischevious grin) on your face again.
Take care old friend.
With all the love the world can muster (and then just a bit of sunshine more),
Randy