Every year for the past few years I've written an entry on my birthday. I don't have much to say; not much more than what I've said in previous years, at least. But I'll say it anyways, since things have probably changed, at least a little bit.
One thing I've always disliked about myself is my complete inability to remember other people's birthdays. It's not from lack of caring; there isn't much that's worse than the thought of my friends and family thinking I don't care about them. I'm just terrible with dates, and remembering when something important is coming up. I've been friends with people for years (since I was 6 or 7) and I still can't remember their birthdays. The only time I can remember them is when they're on some funky day, like the first of the month (e.g. Phil's), or Christmas (e.g. Joyce). But for everybody else it's almost impossible for me to recall, with anything remotely resembling accuracy, when someone's birthday is.
If I had something that would just tell me when everyone's birthday is I could at least call them to wish them a happy birthday. Friendster and facebook help for these things, but I never took the time to look up everybody on those things because they don't sit too well with me on a more fundamental level. Then there's the awkwardness of asking someone you've been friends with for years when their birthday is because you just feel like an ass (or at least I do) for not remembering. But really I don't just feel like an ass, I am one.
A lot of people called, sent text messages, or emailed me saying happy birthday today. A lot of them were people I would never have expected to remember my birthday. What's worse is, I don't think I said anything to them on their birthday; not even a phone call or an email or anything that said, at least for a few seconds, "I care." So what ends up happening is my birthday oftentimes ends up being a rather depressing day, not because of what goes on during the day or because my friends in the area don't want to hang out with me, but because when the night grows late and people have gone home to bed and I'm lying awake by myself the kindness and caring of other people remind me of how much of an ass I am. It reminds me of all the things I wish I was and I tell myself I will be, but never am.
And like with so many things which are sentimental, it's silly when you take a step back away from the moment and look at what it is you're really saying. Because really, all I'm saying is "I don't have the conviction to do something to make sure I remember all myf friends' and family's birthdays," and there's no excuse for that. Absolutely none. So this year, like I have every year before this, I tell myself I'm going to suck it up, admit to being an awful friend and a complete ass, and ask people for their birthdays. I'm going to write them down, put them in a calendar, tape it to my forehead, and damn it, this year I'm going to remember them.
I hope this year's not like the others. What I'd really like for my birthday, aside from my usual affinity for cards, is for me to finally muster the resolve to follow through with this one, simple thing: remember other people's birthdays. I will make this my birthday present to myself.
The one thing I love most about living in Seattle is when I'm walking around outside in the dead of the night, the salty air from ocean breezes are cool to the touch and calm the mind. They remind me of how much I like being alone outside in dark, with nothing to distract me from the emptiness in my mind.
There are some things which died in the 80's, and should've stayed that way:
* Mullets
* Leg warmers
* Denim jackets
Yet tragically, those things seem to be either making a come back, or have been hanging around for a while. Meanwhile, Things That Are Awesome like metal died. That's just messed up. There really should be more music like Nightwish, Lacuna Coil, and Beseech.
I'm not entirely sure how people associate metal with goth music. Industrial and EBM sound nothing like metal (they sound much more like trance than anything else). The likes of Delerium are completely at odds with metal. The Cure, The Doors, and associated bands likewise sound nothing like metal.
After some thinking, it seems my complete distaste for indie pop/rock comes from an impatience with the lack of driving energy behind the music. I'm not saying there's no energy at all behind it, it's just so lackadaisical and unfocused I get bored and find myself unable to sit still. The worst part of all is being in Seatlte means I'm surrounded by a sea of indie pop/rock music. Blargh. My last lead towards a decent industrial club turned out to be a leather gay club. Maybe my friends are trying to tell me something...!!
Since it bugs me to hell when people give long-winded meaningless updates to their lives just because they haven't written anything for a few days, I wil spare you the long-windedness and keep just the meaningless.
Life is really busy (with fun stuff).
I need to find someone who is technical, has as much free time as I do, and likes to do as off-the-wall things as me (for free). Otherwise my current project is going to take a while.