REAL ARCHITECTS Disclaimer: I am not a real architect, thankfully, and hope to never become one. Real architects don’t design buildings, only spaces. Real architects don’t believe in the Universal Law of Gravitation. Real architects don’t believe in most other forms of physics, for that matter. Real architects have no respect for engineers, with the rare exception of the civil engineer. Real architects don’t need sleep. They don’t get any either. Real architects don’t let sustainability get in the way of real design. Real architects don’t have a life. Real architects think space exploration is a design process. Real architects have reclining studio chairs. Real architects have larger studios than bedrooms. That is in the rare case where the two are not the same. Real architects have read “The Fountainhead” more than once. Real architects see the world in black and white, at most in grayscale. Real architects know that light is a magical phenomenon and not just a form of electromagnetic radiation. Real architects will tell you more than you ever need to know about reflection but don’t have a clue what refraction is. Real architects don’t drink anything weaker than double expresso. Real architects hate the Metric System, even if they don’t live in the USA. Real architects think that plaid looks good so long as it has Golden Rectangles. Real architects would change the UC mascot to the Golden Rectangle. Real architects don’t use cameras. Real architects do use slide projectors. They draw their slides. Real architects can see the beauty in a Brutalist building. Real architects know what a Brutalist building is. Real architects design Brutalist buildings. Real architects live in balsa wood and plexiglass houses. Real architects don’t understand the word “efficiency”. Real architects don’t understand the word “budget” either. Real architects have no respect for interior designers, landscape architects, or city planners. Real architects go to libraries to look at the building. Real architects live in glass houses. Real architects don’t live in the ‘burbs. Real architects own more knives than chefs. Real architects make less than $20,000 a year. Those who make more are architectural whores. Real architects talk to buildings. Really Real architects have been known to date them. Real architects know their house better than their spouse. That is if they even have a spouse. Real architects get divorced more than once. Real architects, when starving and coming across a piece of food, will draw it first. Real architects describe their house’s façade instead of its address. Real architects would rather be poets or artists, though not real poets or real artists. Real architects always take the stairs. Real architects see architecture not as a career but as a way of life. Real architects hate all things plastic. Real architects don’t use ballpoint pen. Real architects don’t use rulers. Rulers are for engineers. Real architects can draw straight lines. They just choose not to. Real architects don’t believe in right angles. Real architects do believe in Feng Shui. Real architects see everything as a geometric shape. Real architects pretend to understand math when they really don’t. Real architects don’t study. Real architects eat one meal per day. Real architects don’t draw, that’s the intern’s job. Real architects don’t design, that’s the new guy’s job. Real architects simply pull visions out of their [deleted], which they refer to as their trash chute. Real architects only know two types of trees, balsa and bass. Real architects use tree stamps. Real architects draw graphs in perspective. Real architects always know which way North is. Real architects always use the front door. Real architects have egos unrivalled by anyone except other Real architects. Return to First Cultural main page