A guide to escaping the scrutiny BY FARBOD FARAJI AND JAHNAVI PENDHARKAR When you’re sorry you get nothing. When you apologize you may not be ousted from office. But if you forever use the word “regret,” you can catapult your wife into the Senate and subsequently the Secretary of State position. If you want to become a politician you have to master the art of the apology. And by master, I mean extract political capital. This usually dark and sobering moment does not mean you can’t exploit it to get reelected or somehow save your career from the trash heap of history. The right crescendo of rhetoric might even make the public forget you slept with prostitutes or tried to sell some “F****ng golden” stuff. Lesson number one: what does sorry mean? Empowerment comes with control of the situation and the only way to do that is to expunge all emotion. Sorry is a word your staff member should say when he hasn’t yet told you how to vote on a bill, but as a politician you must be incapable of uttering the syllables. The moment you show the slightest sign of weakness (emotions!), you are well on your way out of office. Of course some would empathize with you if you degrade yourself to say sorry, but you’re also proclaiming to the world “I have sinned.” Just take former vice presidential candidate John Edwards and his affair fiasco. If he continued to categorically deny the allegations, like he did when the National Enquirer first broke the story, he would have at least had the opportunity to escape the situation. Instead, he spewed emotional sentiments, reducing him to an abominable individual that just couldn’t keep it in his pants. So remember, nobody is going to think of the world from your perspective; they will view you through the prism of your deprecating admission. It’s your choice. It’s also your funeral too. Lesson two: bring the poor. As extravagantly manifested by Mr. Blagojevich, if you bring impoverished minority groups on stage, you gain sympathy. Don’t make the press conference about you, you’re the person that got you into your current mess, the public is tired of you. Make it about them. Your best opportunity to shed this scandal (whatever it may be) is to mask it with your good deeds. If you were one of many who voted for universal healthcare for children, take all the credit. Bring the cute little kids on stage and hug them in front of the press. The psychological connection between you and the children can do wonders. The public is myopic, change the picture and you can change the story. Lesson three: control the media. As Colbert said, “The more shows you’re on, the more innocent you are.” Every time you refuse to speak with the media or refuse to field their questions, you put them in a position to fill the information void. With discretion, the creature that is the media is anything but forgiving. The beast becomes more vindictive as you starve it. And listening to questions doesn’t necessarily mean you have to answer them. They can ask questions, but like Governor Palin, you can ignore them and “speak straight to the American people.” Palin was assailed by the punditry for comments that described small towns as the “real America” and “pro-America,” insinuating that other areas were lacking in authenticity and patriotism for the stars and stripes. Instead of just ignoring the subject, Palin granted CNN an interview and said, “I do not want that misunderstood. When I go to these rallies, and we see the patriotism just shining through these people’s faces and the Vietnam veterans wearing their hats so proudly, and they have tears in their eyes as we sing our national anthem, and it is so inspiring …I certainly don’t want that interpreted as one area being more patriotic or more American than another.” Situation neutralized. Talking points can be effective if they relate to the question, even if it is in the most tangential way. Here the issue is no longer about her, it is the public’s understanding that was inaccurate. Palin shifts focus to war veterans and their service to America, a talking point that allows her to portray the original comments as laudatory of the countries heroes. So with this in mind, get out there, grant interviews, and shape your image. Most importantly, you have to remember that you’re a politician; you got elected by your constituents and are therefore above them. You don’t apologize to a subordinate. You “regret” that your decisions may have crushed them while propelling you into more wealth. You owe no one an explanation; you do not have to justify your actions. And while this list may sound nefarious to the average person, deep down in your heart of hearts, you know it’s the best way. No one will forgive you, but they may forget. And if diversion and time are not the right remedy, then an apology certainly won’t alleviate the scrutiny. If you’re going to go down, at least prolong the fall. It may be the only choice you have left.

Tags :