So, these are all the offensive, prejudiced things that occasionally enter my mind. Prepare to hate me...

I go to a reasonably smart university, but I'm socially retarded. All of my relationships are completely fucked up, but it's cool. I'm slowly learning how to reverse some of my most crippling dysfunctions. Maybe by the time I get tired of writing in this stupid journal thing all the time, I'll turn out to be a somewhat normal person. Well, we can all dream...

By the way, the more that this stuff sounds familiar, the more I like you. I usually tell stuff like this to my coolest friends. Are you cool?

8/29/05
So, it was suggested that I may want to mention that I've been updating pretentiousness in a different spot.

5/21/05
Dude told me a lot that I sound like I could be an advertisement for a TV commercial. I guess I really grew up on television. A lot of the times when I'm joking around and mocking things, I go into my TV announcer voice. I guess I'd do something like, when he was eating his favorite cream cheese bagel sandwhich, I'd maybe say, "tasty And satisfying" to mock his queer love of those things. I do it a lot, but I think he was the first person to ever say anything about it. I don't know, I kind of liked the guy. He was interesting and new.

5/6/05
Hmm, my life wasn't really supposed to go like this...I mean, I never really expected to be remotely close to happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment, but this is a tad overboard. I wonder what I'll do next week when this is all over.

5/1/05
I really fucking hate this stupid world. Everyone seems to do nothing but lie and cheat to you. Anyone you try to call just transfers you around, trying as hard as possible not to answer your questions, misleading you, and otherwise trying to get you off the phone. Any type of advertising is obviously pure bull shit. My mom, for some reason, likes the home shopping network and I say them trying to sell all of these mosaic lamps that my mom just bought, and there was this girl who did nothing but stare at a clock and number of calls/sales, and she spaced out a little and the clock went over. So, she was like, "oh my gosh, I was so mesmerized by the beauty of all of these amazing lamps, I completely forgot about the clock." You also can't buy anything at all with any sort of explanation of what the thing actually does. You don't know if you're doing your body more harm than good or making yourself dependent on really unhealthy products for some short term effect. But, the fucking news is the worst of all. They throw out stupid, confusing facts and statistics and completely make things up so they can feign some sort of authority on all topics. Like, it's just totally standard that you get absolutely no real information at all about anything. This place just totally fucking sucks in a really huge, retarded fucking way. Why the FUCK do people accept this?? I mean, obviously there's really nothing any of us can do on any type of scale, but at least we can try to catch the whole world trying to lie and trick us everytime they do it. I dunno. It kind of pisses me off how fucked up pretty much EVERYTHING is.

4/29/05
I feel really tired and worn out. Today has sucked more than any day I've had in a really long time. I really want to make up my own world and be able to kick anyone out who fucks it up. Like, I'm starting to rethink stuff. Maybe I don't want to deal with anything in the future that involves legal contracts, liability, and large sums of money. I mean, I don't really need to do that. It's not like I have huge spending habits that need to be sustained. Maybe I should do something less stressful.

4/26/05
I used to get a ton of emails. Like, even my aunt and my mom, various other family members, and all of my (some of my) high school friends. I want people to start emailing me again. I'll even email them back. So, let's just call this my shameless attempt to get people to email me. It's not that hard. Just the usual format. username@domain. That would be everything after the "~" @ everything before the "/~" and after the "www." Hmm, maybe that just made it more confusing. But, email me. Don't you want to get email, too? We can help each other out.

4/25/05
One of my favorite memories in high school was when Er and Phil came over to my house and my mom answered. She said I wasn't home, so Er just said "OK" and barged in, turned on the TV and sat there to wait for me. I just always thought that was really funny, but maybe I really liked it because it was nice to have someone who loved me and cared about me and that was a big part of my life to be sitting there waiting for me to come home. I dunno, I liked it and it made me feel good. Plus, it was funny.

4/19/05
Fuuuuuck, I really want to be named Kenn. Everything would be so perfect. Fuck. How bad would it be to change my legal name to Kenn? Maybe I'll change my middle name to Christina so I can still answer to that for awhile before I got used to Kenn.

4/17/05
You know, I might actually like my mom now. If nothign else, she's un-uptight.

4/16/05
Goddammit, why am I so retarded?? I think I accidently just told an ex that I wanted to get back together with him. Like, sometimes I'm just in a mood where I feel lonely and regret all of the friends that I never talk to anymore. So, I told him that I was feeling lonely, nostalgic, and regretful. Like, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? Why did I not think that he would apply that to himself and not just a general thing that I often feel towards like 20 different people. Fuck, I Am socially retarded. And, after thinking about it and realizing my stupidity, I feel quite embarrassed. Oh well. We never talk anymore, so who cares. I wonder why stuff like that embarrasses me so much. Is it natural, or, do am I just afraid of people not giving me overwhelming confirmation that they like me and want to talk to me? Whatever, I'm just a social retard. Cry.

4/15/05
I think I've gotten bitchier, ruder, and more short-tempered. I just started noticing it. I wonder when/what caused it. Maybe it started a couple years ago.

Oh, I broke out of my 6/12 month pattern. The last two have been either shorter or longer than that. Woo, I'm growing up!

4/7/05
Wow. I think this is the first time I have absolutely nothing to say, but just want to write in this thing because I'm way bored. Hmm. This isn't very entertaining, is it...? Well. ... Steve Martin is HOT.

4/3/05
Okay, so I completely give up on doing anything with my (head) hair. It takes so fucking long. I'll just be half a girl. That's still pretty time-consuming, but still not fuckingly tedious. God, I'm so interesting and deep.

4/2/05
Dude, I don't know if this is purely coincidental or not, but if it isn't, it fucking sucks. I was just talking about how nice guys are boring in bed, and I thought about it a little, and, basically I realized that, in my experience, the meaner the guy was, the better he was in bed. So, what the fuck am I going to do? Because sex is pretty darn important. Goddammit.

4/1/05
I completely despise shaving, but I actually kind of enjoy waxing. I actually kind of enjoy waxing. I just finished waxing my legs and, I think it was kind of cool. My legs kind of sting right now, but it doesn't really hurt. It just tingles. Why do I think it's neat that I just pulled hundreds of hairs out by their roots? Well, maybe I just thought it was cool because it took me about 2 min since I got those strips with the wax already on it. Quick and easy and unmessy. It belongs on an infomercial. ...oh yeah, totally turning into a chick.

I've been kind of bored lately, so I think I'm just going to become a girl. It takes up a shitload of time and I guess it's not to awful. The first step in my "Christina Will Be A Girl" project is Hair. I will get myself completely hairless below the neck (except my forearms). AND, I will actually do something with my head hair. I shall experiment with different styles and styling techniques and once this program is completed, I will officially be a full-on girl. Girl grooming takes forever and requires lots of upkeeping, it seems. Especially, if you get make-up involved. But, I guess it's kind of creative (why not?) and it's kind of nice having a little change. Plus, god, I'm fucking bored and have nothing to do.

Why is it so difficult for some people to try new food? It's really annoying. What do they think will happen? Are they going to morph into something disgusting because they ate something that could possibly be disgusting (but they don't know, so just to be on the safe side...)? Or, are they deathly afraid that they'll have a bad taste in their mouth for 2 seconds (oh, no, I can't think of anything more awful in the world)? Fucking shove it in your mouth and swallow it, and if you don't like it, never eat it again. Jesus Christ. JUST FUCKING EAT IT.

3/20/05
A friend of mine got really mad at me for leaving for over a week and not telling him until after i was gone for a few days. Then, when I got back, I totally didn't want to deal with "resolving the fight" or whatever (okay, so he wasn't just a friend, we were going out and crap). And, he got even more pissed that we hadn't seen each other in forever and he was all excited to hang out with me again and I didn't even want to see him. So, even over the phone I had to deal with "resolving the fight." I told him I really didn't want to get into it and just wanted to relax before having to deal with a stressful day at work the next day. I told him I'd talk to him tomorrow and that I really had to hang up now. So he was like, "well, so are you gonna call me?" I was like, "uh, not today..." Then he told me he didn't really ever want to talk to me, then. Like, WHAT THE HOLY FUCK. At that point, I was just like, "alrighty" and just hung the fuck up. A couple weeks later he was like, "okay, I got over it, we can talk again." God, what a fuckhead. And then, he tried to play off the two weeks of silence and him caring so much about me that it affected him that strongly. As if I weren't giving him enough credit for completely blowing up and acting like an idiot. Like, I think that he's just like that because he told me about his two friends who wouldn't talk to him for a week because he put his finger in their slice of pizza. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?? (Not the finger thing, but the week of silence over a slice of pizza.) God, I'm glad that's over. I guess that's what it's like to date someone who's really high maintenance. Plus, we had talked about being bf/gf and I told him I wasn't into that, and I even said some other stuff later on to reinforce that, but he still had the fucking nerve to say, "I thought we were bf/gf." I fucking HATE THAT. Hmm, I wonder why this is the first thing I've wrote about him in here.

I think one of my major problems is that I think it's Really hard to find someone I actually get along with _and_ respect. That made it really hard for me to get over Guy. Maybe if I were just a little more optimistic about things, I wouldn't get so fucked up. I think having exchanges with various other guys has helped that a lot. I mean, maybe they weren't quite perfect (at all), but I don't think that it's as hard to find decent people as I used to think. And, even if someone turns out not to be as great as Guy, they probably won't suck nearly as much as Guy did.

Oh my god, I think for the very first time in my life, I actually wished I had a dad. I mean, all of my life, I've only really had one person who was obligated to love me unconditionally. Just one person who would love and support me no matter what. Maybe having two parents is like having a double sense of security. My mom's like the tight rope I walk on, and if I ever had a dad, he'd be my safety net. Maybe that's another reason I went so crazy over guy. You don't have to rely on one single thing. There's more than one person you can turn to in your life. I don't really know what I'm talking about. I'm sleepy.

2/23/05
I like to state facts. Saying what you feel is always like some sort of commitment. I don't know why. When I call up people, I prefer it to be about something instead of admitting I just miss talking to them or want to know what's going on with them. And, when people ask me about things, I always just tell them what makes most sense logically and objectively. Even when my main reason is emotional or something, it's just a lot easier for me to talk about what's logically undeniable. I think it's pretty stand-offish. It totally puts people off. God, I'm so afraid of being hurt and rejected. Where the fuck do I get that from?

1/18/05
Two completely separate people just said exactly the same shitty things to me. It really sucked, and I think it got to me pretty badly. Now, I'm entering into a hate myself mode and I just want to be with someone I love and care about. I used to have that. I don't know. I just seems like I used to have a fair number of people who I was really really close to (and who lived close to me). But, now I don't. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe the only thing that I'll ever have in my life is money and my job. Maybe having good friends is like trying to carry water in your hands. Just never works. Or, maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just not good at keeping friends. That probably has a lot to do with it.

1/6/05
I think I'm really socially retarded. That's probably why I only have guy friends. Because, they're the only ones who make a big effort to talk to me. (Like, guy at work who asked me - of course - if I was Chinese)...He knows/likes "languages (i.e. Jap girls). It's also probably why girls hate me. Because I get guy attention even when I come off as totally bitchy and cold since I'm so socially retarded. And, I guess girls need confirmation and reassurance and reciprocation for every little thing they do. I'm too clueless to pick up on it, and yeah, very oblivious.

12/27/04
So, that was really weird. I fucking hate xmas. I didn't really want to hang out with my family because they think a child molester is better company than me, so I had plans to hang out with a friend who doesn't really celebrate xmas, but when I talked to him and was like, "alright, I'm ready to leave, see you in a little bit," he was like, "uh, don't come. I'm about to go out to each lunch with some friends. Leave in like 2-3 hours." Well, all of a sudden I had a totally nervous break-down. I guess I was just ultra-sensitive at that point and it was like yet another person was ditching me for xmas. So, I ended up driving my ass up north...to spend xmas with Guy. Well, I got up there faster than we thought and he was still eating dinner with his family. So, that totally sucked. I ended up calling an ex-co-worker and driving there to hang out. But, he wasn't very distractive, so I just started bawling non-stop the whole time I was there. Guy ended up having to pick me up from there, and that was a little better. But, I still felt incredibly awful until Sunday morning. I woke up and all of that shittiness just went away. Like, *poof*. It was really fucking weird. So, yeah. Not only did my xmas totally suck, but I went fucking crazy for two whole days, and I totally fucked up my left eye from crying too much. It looks like I ruptured several blood vessels and have a pool of blood from the bottom half of my pupil to the bottom of my eyeball. I fucking hate xmas.

12/18/04
I think what might have happened was that I made Guy happier, more likeable, more confident, sexier, and less desperately horny. So, _everyone_ liked him more (except maybe his mom), and that was all new to him and really exciting. But, what he didn't understand is that all of this was happening partly because of the way I made him feel and act. He thought there was all of this new stuff to explore, but it didn't really work out for him. Now, he's incredibly cranky, unhappy, people think he's depressed, and he's really irritable. He gets set off really easily now. I think it's just like, there's yet another thing that's really shitty, and when he gets over almost everything being really fucked up, one small thing just reminds him of everything else. ...I'm obsessed with him, aren't I? But, hey, I'm just coping. This is the correct way to cope, right? Maybe?

12/17/04
So, someone called me socially retarded today. He gave me his number a couple days ago, and got mad at me today for not calling him. I was like, "uh, was I supposed to call?" And he was like, "dude, if someone gives you their number, it usually means you're supposed to call them." So, I guess I like to get overwhelming confirmation or something. My other friend told me that I always seem to get together with nerdy, needy types. Maybe this is one of the reasons why. I need to be pushed to pursue any type of social interaction. That's probably a bad thing. For awhile, I was making myself be more meetful of people, and I had more hanging-out time. But, I think I've just given up or something. Shrug.

12/16/04
I wonder if I'm a neater person now. I never really thought of myself as clean until I lived with an utter slob. Things that were okay with him just did not make any sense to me at all. It actually made me unhappy living in such a mess. It was awful. I wanted to clean, and I did, but then it would get all fucked up again. It was depressing. It was like, I wanted to do something, and I knew it would make me happy and less irritable, but I coudln't because the next time I turned around, it would be totally fucked again. It was like someone was playing a horrible, evil trick on me that I coudln't do anything about. It totally sucked. I like being clean. I like being neat. I like being able to find things. And, I like being able to walk around on bare floor. I think I value cleanliness much more than I used to.

Guy is also incredibly unreliable. He always promises things and never does them. Something always comes up, making it totally impossible through no fault of his own. It's really annoying. I've always been really forgiving about it. I have no idea why. I think that maybe I've been really stupid (which is probably ridiculously obvious to everyone but me).

I think I've gotten meaner too. :(

It's really bad when you're overjoyed just because it's almost Friday. I just realized that the reason I'm looking forward to it so much is because I was thinking, "god, I won't have to endure work for another day." There's gotta be something better.

12/14/04
God, I need to stop being Guy's long-distance relationship. We talk every day in the morning, at lunch, at night before I go to bed, and sometimes after work. That's so pathetic. At least we haven't been seeing each other every weekend which was happening for awhile. I mean, it's fun and he's great, but I think it makes me complacent. I have something to occupy my time. I need to pursue something more fulfilling. I need to tear myself away from this stupid relationship. I'm missing out on my real life, which is here, not in northern ca.

Guy is also the person I go to when I want opinions about things or need to complain about something shitty, which is totally a stupid idea. He just gets really annoyed and criticizes me for not just being able to solve all of the problems that are going on (e.g. my mom coming into my room when I was gone for the weekend and completely cleaning and rearranging everything, the over-sensitivity of a friend who I've teased and made fun of for 6 years who all of a sudden wants me to be the sweetest, most tactful little thing when I'm trying to advise him on a business idea). Like, I don't need that shit when I'm feeling crappy. I don't know. Maybe this is new because he says that everyone he knows is telling him that he's depressed, so maybe he's taking some of that out on me. I mean, I do remember that he used to make me feel really good even when I was feeling fucking awful. But, he did make me feel a hell of a lot worse about things if I whined to him about him. He was really sensitive about that. Whatever. Who cares if he's fucking depressed. Maybe it'll be a big help for me to get over the fucker just that much more.

12/13/04
Oh god, oh god, I don't want to be an office whore anymore. I need to either get a legitimate job that pays more than 11/hour, or I need to go into business for myself. I NEED IDEAS. Christina, what are you good at?

Maybe this is good. Ridiculously high, unbearable job satisfaction may just motivate me to do something actually useful with myself.

12/12/04
So, I've never really been too vulgar (_too_ vulgar) on this thing, so, for some reason I cared. There things that I've stopped myself from saying. For example (hypothetically speaking of course, because I totally give a shit about what people think of me who actually read all this crap), for the last 2-3 weeks, I've been producing a phenomenal amount of wetness. I have no idea where it's coming from. It's become problematic and almost even worrisome. I'm producing enough wetness to fuck at least three people. Maybe I've always done this and just usually get more action or something. Who knows. Okay, so back to my earlier point. I've always refrained myself from saying things in that vein. When, this thing I've always thought of as for my own egocentrism and maybe even academic value. So, if I'm not being true to myself, then what the fuck is the use of this...unless what I refrain from saying says something about what I think is okay and what is not (but, then I won't remember what I wanted to say but didn't). Maybe that means I have to keep a non-public journal. But, god, that's way too much work. And, somehow it seems stupider.

12/8/04
Oh my god, my job sucks. Having a braindead job actually kills your brain. I feel so exhausted now. It's really tiring having a job that where you have to force yourself every minute not to just leave. It's so boring that it's really frustrating. I hate that I need to work. Is it possible to get a job that doesn't kill your soul? Now, I suppose I do understand that when you don't want the soul-killer, you probably shouldn't be looking for it at a temp agency, but it's so much easier that way. Wage-slaving and soul-selling, woo. It's the American way.

So, I won 200 bucks in an essay contest from the Bancroft library, and now I am forever getting mail requesting that I become a "friend of the library" and donate lots of money. It's like someone paid me to be on a spam list.

12/5/04
What am I going to do for xmas this year? There's no way I'm spending it with my family if my grandda's gonna be there. Except, last year it was better with Guy there. Sometimes, things are stupid.

This weekend sucked a Ton. I have a sore throat, been feeling really tired and achy (especially my neck and shoulders), and I've been unhappy. But, I don't really feel *sick*. I seem like I should be. Maybe it's just not a full-blown flu or something. Who knows. It's fucking cold.

12/4/04
Fuck, since May of this year, I've spent $4,000.00. That's a ton of money. I've spent the last year unemployed. I need to start gaining money instead of losing it. This is bad. What the fuck have I been doing with myself.

12/1/04
Am I really boring? How come no one wants to talk to me? I'm kind of tired right now and it's too cold to do anything, so I just wanted to talk to someone, but no one will talk to me. No one ever wants to talk to me. Maybe it's a chore for people to talk to me. Always having to think of something entertaining to say because I'm so boring. I don't know. I don't get it. I feel lonely and sad.

11/29/04
I saw "Saw" this weekend. I thought it was an okay movie, but I really didn't like it at all. Like, if you're gonna try to show people how great life is, I don't think you really should be going about it by making them kill other people to save their own lives. It was really violent and demented. Like, I just kept on thinking, why can't people be nicer to each other. Why cause other people pain? "Saw" was just mean.

11/20/04
Make that three days in a row. They seem to coincide with me having to wake up way too early in the morning after not sleeping too well (i.e. yesterday and that two days before that), but today I actually had a good/full night's sleep and no "cold feet" dreams.

11/18/04
So, for at least the last week, Guy has been really pushing the getting back together for real, but for the past two days, I've been having dreams of the issues that I have with him that would make being with him kind of impossible. These include how he gets assholish when I feel shitty, and how he promised not to do certain things that were really important to me (i.e. hurt me so much, it made me not even want to be around him or live with him), yet he did them anyways when he thought my back was turned (didn't even have to decency to wait until I was in a different building). Dude was in what sounded like a similar relationship and he summed it up really well -- "when it's good it's good but when it's bad it's bad." I mean, mostly they were just really incredibly good, but it was bad enough that things couldn't work out the way it was. Are these dreams a "cold feet" or "fear of intimacy" thing? Or, should I really not be with him. I'm so confused and have no perspective...that should be my motto for Guy.

You know, Phil was a really good first relationship in a lot of ways. We had a lot of heat between us, and I think that might be part of why that's like a requirement for me to engage with someone. It makes my relationships a lot more fun.

Haha. "spazmatik: pick what you want and stick to it" ...but, what do I want!

Is it weird that I like to tell my really good friends that I love them? When I totally hate saying that to any guy that I'm with? But, that might have changed because of Guy. Or, maybe I really just loved Guy, whereas I was worried about every other guy getting attached. That's probably it.

11/17/04
Hmm, I think that when I like something, I stick with it. Maybe that's why I can't be with someone for less than 6 months at a time. It's definitely why I go to the same stores all the time and buy the same brands. I'm so surprised that something actually fits me, and I Hate shopping around, going everywhere, trying on 20 different things so that maybe one of them will fit you because you have the body the size of a 10 year old boy. And, I'm equally surprised finding someone I can get along with. I like having friends that last. ...If only they agreed with that :((.

11/16/04
Okay, I think that girls who I think are really fucking sexy also have really good taste in clothes. I guess when you know how to act sexy, you also have a sense for what looks sexy on you.

11/14/04
I really hate when people criticize my family's cooking. Namely, when husbands do. I mean, isn't enough that they care enough to do it for you? I mean, it's such a privilege, but when everything's not totally perfect, they bitch about it. So stupid. What happened to appreciation. Husbands are so stupid. Maybe they don't realize that it kind of hurts when someone totally puts down something you've put a lot of time and effort into for someone you really care about. I don't know. Maybe I just have a weird pet peeve about this. Maybe I've just had way too much shitty food in the past 7 years, I'm ever-grateful for non-instant food.

11/12/04
I feel so shitty right now. And I think it's all because I thought I would get to see him next weekend. But, he didn't seem like he wanted to until later. And that made me feel less wanted which made me rethink whether or not it woudl be a good idea to see him at all. (Our relationship is so fucked up, or at least my end of it). It just seems like it would be really hard and fucked up and annoying to be together but not be able to be together. It's pretty clear we shouldn't be in a relationship right now even though he tells me he misses me and tries to convince me that to do a long-distance relationship thing. We have such strong feelings for each other. It sucks so much that that's not enough. I've been interested in guys for at least 8 years of my life, and I've never felt like this before (except maybe with my first, but that was a weird set of circumstances). Maybe most of that doesn't count because you're so stupid at that age and so many things around you and inside you are changing. Or, maybe you just appreciate people or just something when you're older. Where is my perfect love? It's not like he was. We definitely had our problems. Who knew 400 miles wouldn't be enough.

This will all be better once I get to sleep and wake up again.

11/3/04
I think it woudl be really cool to have magic powers, because there is a natural order to things. Everytime you wanted to use your magic, you'd have to question why things happen they way they do and why it would take unnatural forces to alter them. There's a reason why certain people fall in love with you and why others have no interest whatsoever. There's even a reason why some people choose awful people to be in relationships with. Magic isn't going to fix that you seek those people out. It's actually a good thing that there's such an obvious sign that there is something wrong with you. It's a really clear way of letting you know you need to fix yourself. I'm not really sure there are many things that you can guiltlessly use magic for. I think for the most part, you'd be "disturbing" things. But, when you have a choice to change things (i.e. fuck things up), I think you get a lot more accepting of things, and definitely understand everything better.

According to Abercrombie's size chart, these panties in size small, are made for 9 and 10 year old girls.

11/2/04
I think it's bad to come on too strong. Like, unless you two were meant for each other, it takes so much fun out of it when you know the person totally wants you. There's no work, no anticipation. Or, maybe that's only true if you're not really attracted to the person.

11/1/04
I think secrets are like posessions. People think you can just give away other people's secrets, but it's not yours to give. And, some secrets are more valuable than others. Like, maybe I would give something worthless away, just like I would probably give away my friend's sheet of paper if someone needed something to write on. But, I'd never give away anything they cared about.

10/27/04
"really tho, you two are my closest friends." Yay, that felt really good because I totally love him too.

Hmm, I'm a lot more awake now that the sun is shining more.

10/24/04
It's 4:34am and I just got done hanging out with a couple of people. This is bad for my sleeping schedule. Oh well. But, I think being around guys of any sort makes me remember how much I need to get fucked.

Oh my god, I'm such a fucking retard. I'm sitting here crying like a stupid idiot because some stupid jerk seems like he doesn't want to talk to me. Why am I so affected by him? I haven't cried in awhile. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME??? God, I have no fucking perspective whatsoever. And I need it so badly.

10/23/04
Maybe people are more likable than I think. But, I might still be in love with Guy. Or, maybe it was just talking to this guy who is really close to Guy who was telling me stupid things about how Guy really cares about me and loves me and other stupid nonsense.

10/21/04
Hey, I feel pretty good today.

You know, maybe I can be happy. All I have to do is not want to be depressed all the goddamn fucking time. I'm feeling pretty good right now just listening to some music, playing text twist, and I even like myself a lot. Like, even though this is a pretty lame night, doesn't matter. I don't really have to think about it so much I ruin it all. I'm enjoying myself.

Hmm, once I said that and thought about the tons of fun I was having, it kind of ruined things. Doh.

10/20/04
Maybe my problem is I don't have needs anymore. I don't need to hunt down my food, I don't need to set up shelter and fire each night. I don't even need to work. Basically, I have way more free time on my hands than humans were ever supposed to be allowed to have. And this is supposed to be a good thing. Well, maybe my most pressing need is to have something occupy my time. I should get a job. Really bad. Let's see what I do with my life once that happens.

I think the reason I've felt guilty about getting close with guys is not just because I think I'm all fucked up, but it might have been more because I kind of knew that they would end up getting more attached to me than I would get to them. I used to think that it was because I was cold-hearted and emotionless, but I think it was just because of where they were at in that point in their life. I think the opposite situation just happened. Except, unlike me who pushed these guys away out of guilt and protection of their feelings, Guy is a selfish bastard and won't let me fucking go.

10/19/04
Oh my god, I went to bed at 12:30am and woke up at 9:00am. That's pretty much perfect. This is good. It usually takes a lot more effort and time for me to fix my sleeping schedule.

I haven't taken any pictures in a really long time. Maybe I'll start again.

10/18/04
I think the reason I was so in love was because everything felt unique and special. It felt really good that I found something so great. But, now that's gone and it just doesn't feel the same anymore. So, I think I'm over it. I still love him a ton, but it's not that big of a deal anymore. Shrug.

10/14/04
In an ungood mood. I've been staying up way too late talking with people, and now it's 1:50am and I can't go to sleep, and I'm talking to people. Why can't I sleep? Argh.

I've been pampered for way too long with really close, nice, reliable friends who really care about me. Those have been basically the only people I've talked to for any length in the last eight years of my life. Maybe that's why I have such few friends. Because I've had people who are so much easier and more guaranteed. Now, I don't have any of them here.

10/13/04
Okay, so I just had a bad relapse just now. Was prompted to be thinking about how empty my days were back in No. Cal and felt myself kind of slipping back into that mode, which is Really Really bad because I've been doing so well here. But, my friend came online and started chatting with me and I was totally back to being okay and acting possibly happy again. I think I'll be okay. No more depression for Christina. She's done with it.

10/12/04
I was made to be a bane upon men's hearts. I should just accept it and have fun with it.

10/11/04
Age-old formula for happy life: Family + Friends + Career + Hobby + Sex Partner. My progress so far: Internet + Depression + Laziness + Demotivation + Confusion + Directionlessness + Reading. K, I have a long way to go.

My god, people say some really boring shit in their journals. Really boring. And, they sound really stupid, too. I wonder how stupid and self-absorbed this thing makes me look.

After telling him she took suicide pills, he says, "But I love you." She says, "Oh, that's wonderful. Love more." Hmm...taken out of context, that doesn't really mean too much, does it? K, I shall explain. So, he was really annoyed that she decided to kill herself because he loved her. He basically had Zero friends and never cared about anyone until her, so this was really sucking for him. But, she was a lot older and she just thought it was great that he let himself love someone and wanted him to go on and love lots of other people because it will always be a fun and great experience if you just let it happen. People add to your life and make it better. You don't need to hang on for dear life to that one person because there will always be people to make you happy.

10/9/04
It's easier making friends than I thought it would be. I've called a couple people that I barely barely know and they've been pretty nice and fun. I thought I'd be really awful at meeting people, but I guess most people like talking to someone new.

10/8/04
HOLY FUCKING SHIT. HE'S SO FUCKING CONFUSING AND ANNOYING. He's totally obsessed with sex and I think that's the only reason he's really missing me. I think he feeds me shit about actual love and caring so he can ensure future sex sessions with me. He's such a fucking asshole and it's driving me crazy. He's sending so many mixed signals I'm gonna have heart seizures. I don't know what to fucking think! Why can't you just write him off. This is way too annoying.

10/6/04
So far, my one-year program is going pretty well. I haven't had Any depressive thoughts, and actually have had a bunch of pretty good ones. There have been multiple times when I was actually happy, too. I've been mostly active. And, I've even been slightly social. Good start. This definitely is the best thing I've ever done for myself (possibly the only thing I've done for myself).

10/5/04
So, now he's calling me and wanting to talk for hours and telling me he misses me and all of this stuff. This is totally fucked up. This break-up does not want to be a clean one, does it?

10/4/04
I think I'm definitely regaining my confidence. I've had something really great (while it lasted) and it's never really been hard for me to find a guy with which to have fun times.

10/3/04
Pretty much the only reason I feel guilty about getting involved with men is because I make them deal with my depression. Well, that stops as of now. Now I can feel free to do whatever I want.

10/2/04
This is what I think. He was like, "Wow, she's really great, and all of that is really hard to find in one person, but, sometimes things kinda suck. So, if I let her go, what am I supposed to do then?" But, after the online thing, he realized tons of girls wanted him like no other and he was like, "Fuck this. What am I doing with her?" Fuck him.

10/1/04
I was totally swindled yesterday into helping someone's friend move with claims of a "move-in party" which ended up only being the three of us. Totally retarded, but it ended up being really good. The guy happened to be a pretty good wrestler and we wrestled down until 4am...which might not have been the best of ideas since he had an important 9am interview, and I had a 9 hour drive ahead of me. But, it was totally worth it. It was the first time I really got to wrestle someone since sophomore year. Was SO much fun. I think it was really good for me.

9/30/04
I steal other people's motivation. I have none of my own, even to go eat. I need someone else to want it and make it happen. This totally needs to stop.

9/29/04
Guy is really delusional about everything and I think I got sucked into it. He's a total optimist and I think he's really incredibly emotionally healthy. Like, he turned a situation that wasn't working out into a wonderful and beautiful thing that he would always want in his life, and in that way, could enjoy it fully while it was going on. Then, when other things were coming about that were more interesting, he could just move right on to that so that would console and distract him while he was getting over something that he enjoyed so much while it maintained his interest. Whereas I try to see things more accurately. I wanted to break it all off when it was clear that it wasn't working, but at that point, it would've been really painful for the both of us, because we were too invested in what we had and didn't have any other distractions. So, I was convinced to stay with it and started to believe everything about how great the two of us were. I'm pretty sure that that's how things went down. Like, I wouldn't have had nearly as good of a time if I didn't buy into it all, but at the same time, they were kind of false hopes. I was basically with a guy who was selfish and delusional about our happiness and feasible future together. What sucks is, I know that he was SO SO much healthier about it than I've been. But, the healthiness was due to convincing himself of LIES. I think all of that healthiness makes him more insensitive to people, too. So, I don't know what to think or do. Actually, I think I did all of the same self-delusion with Other Guy. I thought we'd be good together "forever," but we were so unhealthy for each other. Then, something came along that was so exhilirating and new and snapped me out of such unhealthy behavior, that it became painfully obvious that that wasn't working out. {OH MY GOD, KARMA KARMA KARMA}. I think that at this point, I just don't know what I want at all. I don't know why I was so stuck on finding something that would last. It's so unlike me. Except, maybe out of laziness.

Ok, mc insurance for the full year is $75.00. That's crazy.

Humans weren't meant to live as long as we do. We were meant to die at 30. Science keeps on extending our age further and further. This is just going to make more of us have to commit suicide.

I really did love him, though. So much.

9/28/04
I dream a lot about my (ex-)co-workers, which is kind of weird. I dream a lot more about them than my ex-boyfriend. Weird. But, I did have another dream about Guy. He was telling me more sappy things like how he would never want what he wants from me from anybody else. Like, my last two dreams that I remember of him were so fucking sappy. BUT, I think there is good reason. This is pretty much the first time I've been dumped I guess. After 6 years of the exact opposite situation, I think it's been harder for me to deal with. I think these sappy dreams are just me trying to make myself feel better and wanted and, well, not rejected. Because, in this last dream, he was being kind of selfish. I mean, not horribly selfish, but it wasn't all that great. So, I was representing in my head something that was less than ideal, maybe showing myself how dumb I am for still wanting it (I mean, we did break up for a reason). But, at the same time, I still want him to want it. Maybe all I want is for him to just want me again, regardless of how I feel. Human nature is so stupid.

I think I've used relationships to delay my life. I mean, they're so easy. They happen with very little effort, I don't have to get too emotionally involved. They're Very distracting. They fill your body with all sorts of feel-good chemicals. This is the first time I've ever had any real negative consequences from them (aside from the guilt complexes which were my own doing, so I don't think that counts). I think I need to concentrate on not being so damn lazy and being motivated to do real things, not just having some guy around that aches to be with you because people are sex addicts (and food and sleep addicts). It's just way too easy.

Was bored, so...
Statistics:
Pages 85
Words 48,638
Characters (no spaces) 209,574
Characters (with spaces) 258,095
Paragraphs 299
Lines 3,626

Hmm, so over three years, I've written 85 pages about myself. I don't really know what that means.

So, I was looking back at some of my old journal entries. I think I've had a pretty decent life. I just fuck it all up in my head like a stupid idiot because for some reason, I've decided that I shouldn't be happy. I have so much going for me, and, I don't care what anyone says, I'm fucking funny. Although I realize how pathetic this is, well, doggone it, I just crack myself up sometimes. There's no reason I should feel bad about myself or my life. From this point forward, my depression will die a long, slow, painful death!! ...funny how getting hurt for real and allowing myself to get hurt and not denying my pain motivates me to be happy.

I've got to start a naming system to keep other people anonymous, but at the same time, remember who the fuck I was talking about. I've said shit about how this person was so important at this time in my life, and I don't even remember who the fuck it could be.

I think this journal makes me like myself better. I'm pretty sure I can be too hard on myself, but when you are reading things that you don't even remember writing, and you like it, it's like you're discovering you like this person but that it also happens to be you.

I wrote this thing about desire a long time ago, and what I forgot to mention about it is that desire also gets you so invested in something that you try to grasp at things that you are too blind to realize you don't even want anymore.

9/27/04, 3:15am
So, I went to be early and of course had very vivid dreams. I dreamt my mom was living at the Irvine condo, but my grandparents owned it. They told her that she had to start paying rent there, but she couldn't afford it and didn't know what to do because she would lose a place that had so many memories and meant so much to her (and me). So, she asked me if I wanted to take it over. I didn't want to lose the place, but it seemed like it would be so lonely there. So, we were arguing over this with my grandparents, and upon seeing a grandfather, I started going off on certain issues and events between us, and he told me that I've been lying to myself all of this time and that nothing ever happened. Well, I was stunned and confused and had no idea what to think, so I started reliving every detail I could remember, to see if maybe I had made it all up until I realized that he was lying to cover his ass. So, I was feeling really shitty when Guy came up to me and we started talking. All he did was make me feel so much better about everything, and actually made me feel good. Then, (and this is so embarrassing that I dreamt this), he asked me to marry him and we would live together in my mom's condo (god, that's so fucking sappy). I just felt really happy and it just seemed like there was so much to look forward to.

8am. Went back to sleep and had another (less vivid) dream. I always have this dream about me flying to get away from my family. But, this one was totally different. Someone else, who could also fly, was chasing after me the whole time. It was really hard to lose him. In the end, I started to give up and he told me that there was a way that I could lose the ability to fly, and then, he wouldn't get a reward for catching me because I was harmless, and I could stop running. Then, I realized that I didn't really want to be able to fly, I just wanted to be a normal person and live a normal life. Like, I run away from my feelings all of the time and run away from closeness to people I really care about. I think that's what all of my flying dreams are about. This time, I just got tired of it. I think it was really good for me to finally allow myself to care about a guy. We just broke up, and it wasn't all that bad. (I mean, it's bad, just not "all that bad"). I was always so afraid about my how much it would hurt. But, I'll get over this and next time I won't be so afraid and stupid and reluctant. I'm glad I got hurt.

Maybe I needed to be really hurt because you cant feel as guilty about hurting people since it's happened to you, too, and it wasnt All that bad. Plus, once you've been hurt and have still decided that it was all worth it, you cant feel too bad about what you've done to the others, either.

9/26/04
I've just been told that I'm one of the most honorable people that he knows. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

9/24/04
Why do people make panties taht go up half-way up your back? What's the point of that? Is that supposed to be comfortable?

9/21/04
Music is fun. It toys at your heart

Packed and ready to go. One of the saddest things I'll ever have to do.

9/19/04
-back to life- (meaning my pathetic life where I need to write in an on-line journal to feel fulfilled.) I have a theory that guys only want what they can't have because the only two guys that I let myself fall for or whatever, found other things to be interested in. And, I guess girls only want what they can't have, too, because you can also say that the only guys that I've fallen for, I couldn't really have. This is what makes life so wonderful and great. Because fucking humans can't help but make their own misery. I swear it's not just me.

He got really annoyed at me just because I got near him while he was working and broke his concentration. You don't really want to be with this guy.

9/8/04
Girls take things way too personally. Guys are so much more easygoing. Every move you make isn't a strategy against them or a demonstration of each of your statuses.

8/23/04
I have stupid girl thoughts that I'm too ashamed to say outloud, and they just end up getting out of hand because I dwell on them and think up more stupid thoughts. I've been admitting them lately and they've gotten so much better. Speaking up is a good thing.

7/25/04
I started playing * again (I don't want to name it because it's a really retarded game and it's embarassing). Guy said it seemed like I was doing it because I was getting depressed. He was right.

It's funny how closely related depression is to change. Something that makes you so lethargic and unwilling to do anything is supposed to be your impetus for change or your response to lack of adjustment to change. I guess it makes you so dissatisfied with the way things are, you _have_ to change something, have to do something different.

I don't take criticism very well. I mean, you can make fun of me all day long and I'll think it's funny, but real criticism is bad. I'm pretty sure it comes from my family. My mom's nickname for me used to be "shithead" and she'd tell me constantly how stupid I was which was supposed to be encouragement to "be smarter." I remember one of my uncle's would lecture me about how rude and disrespectful I was and how I alienate everyone around me and will never have any friends because I don't make small talk. I would stand there listening to him, trying not to cry in front of him as he attacked me, for "my own good." In college, another uncle called me on the phone and proceeded to let me in on every reason why I was a horrible daughter and how shitty I always made my mom feel. I started sobbing uncontrollably. Really uncontrollably. My hated roommate was there and I was incredibly embarassed about it, because I hated her, but it was better than crying uncontrollably out in the hallway where I hated at least 75% of the floor. And, he just kept right on going. Maybe all the crying was evidence that he was causing me the appropriate pain required to stop being such a shitty person, thus he should continue. I never thought that was right. I always hated that they did that. I don't really understand what would make someone not only think that that was okay to do, but actively pursue doing it "out of love." I hate it, I can't stand it.

7/22/04
I think I have a thing. I kind of feel this need to make people I care about feel better about themselves and loved and shit. Which is really weird because I also really like to make fun of my friends, and even weirder, often alienate them so much that they feel nothing but shitty. I guess all of that isn't too healthy. It just puts people on a melodramatic rollercoaster that can't feel too good. But, nonetheless, I definitely feel a need to do it. Maybe that's why I like hanging out with nerd types so much. It's perfect. They have low self-esteem, I like making them feel better...as long as they're pathetic and sad and not mean. I guess it's because I feel pretty shitty about myself all of the time, and on some level, I know it's really stupid and undeserved, and clearly when someone I love feels shitty about themself, it's for the same reason. There's no use in them being as stupid as me. Plus, I suppose it all boils down to me being selfish and wanting to feel good that I made someone hate themself just a little bit less (even if it's only very temporary). I'm so very pathetic. Whatever.

7/16/04
I do all sorts of things for Guy. It's because his life is in such disorder and I like to have things a little bit better working (at least nitpicky details). So, when he sits there and complains about how he doesn't have enough dress socks and is wearing each pair five times in a row, the only thing I can do is go to some cheap place and get some dress socks. And, when he's been wearing his last pair of boxers for a week, I think it's a little gross, so I figure I can finally do the laundry I was meaning to do and wash him some undies. I mean, it's always nice to do shit for people you feel shit for, but, I don't think he appreciates it all that much. Fuck, sometimes he downright hates it. Especially when I try to get him to sort out billing errors that take a long time but need to be done. Then, he gets really frustrated with me, but I don't know what to do because I know that if he doesn't do it, things will probably go to collections or something and he really can't afford that. I know I shouldn't really care because it's his life, but I really don't know what to do. It just makes no sense not to get it taken care of, and, I dunno...I can't help but do what I can to get it taken care of. Why do I care so much? Maybe, really what I'm doing is just interfering in his life. Maybe it's a way to be controlling or something. His life is in such chaos, I go in and fix shit and in that way, take over a little piece of his life. I don't know. Something about it isn't right.

7/9/04
"You're so good as so many things in life, but just awful at all of the things that matter." ...it's true.

I wrote in my notebook some stuff that I titled "Christina's depressive thoughts":

Guy's one true love is Girl
I bring out the worst in Guy and do nothing but frustrate him and annoy him
the only reason Guy likes being around me is to look at and to fuck
no one likes me unless they are attracted to me
I'm no good at relationships and do nothing but ruin people's lives
I'll never be happy
one day, I'm going to kill myself
Guy would do a lot better without me
Guy is missing out on better sex and hotter women because of me
I'm ugly but I think I'm hot
I'm a hopeless case
I've deeply hurt everyone that I've really loved
I'm just an incredible pain to be around

7/8/04
I need to stop buying clothes. It's been a really fucking hot summer and I didn't have slutty enough clothes to stay cool, so I went and bought a bunch of skirt and dress type things and all I've been doing lately is gawking at myself. I'm becoming incredibly shallow and vain and getting all sorts of encouragement from Guy. I swear, guys make girls into superficial, bitchy, horrible people. They try to make you feel like you're the hottest thing in the world and make you think you are a lot better and deserve a lot better than you really do. They also obsess about your supposed hotness so you feel like you don't have to be anything but pretty to look at (when you're not even all that great to begin with because guys exaggerate so much). So, at the same time you feel like you're the greatest thing in the world, you also feel like you're not worth anything but a reflection in the mirror. No wonder girls are so fucked up and stupid and mean.

6/24/04
It's weird. Some people think that I totally have my life on track just because I know how to buy things cheaply and have saved up a lot of money. I guess a lot of people fail miserably at that, as evidenced by Guy, so maybe that's why it seems like a big deal. I mean, I think I really suck at life (like everyone else thinks). Money is the last thing I need to be worrying about when sorting out my life. I have far more important things that need fixing.

6/22/04
Being with someone is really hard. Sometimes really shitty things happen between you two, but sometimes everything is worth it. Like, even when things suck, you can't just give up on this person who's done so much for you and who you care about so much and makes you feel so fucking great (most of the time). It's really hard to let go.

6/18/04
I guess I have a bit of the Berkeley spirit in me. I got this pink notice in my mailbox saying, "Names of ALL PERSONS receiving mail at your apatment must appear on (or inside, near the top) of your mailbox. If name is not on mailbox, mail will be returned to sender." And, for three days, hadn't received any mail whatsoever. Well, I thought that was really weird because I've been living in California all my life, never had my name on any of my mailboxes except maybe one apartment building, and I never heard of this. So, I called the local post office and asked where I could find this policy in some sort of legal document. Well, he accused me of being "unwilling to cooperate" and totally implied that I had something possibly criminal to hide. Then, he gave me some bullshit about how an "apartment" is defined as any address. It can be anything at all as long as it's a residential address. Well, obviously he was shitting out his ass. So, I called around for a really long time, getting nowhere, until I was finally transferred to the USPS Consumer Affairs. Well, she was really nice, thought that the notice I got was ridiculous and called my post office on my behalf. Now, the postmaster has instructed my mail carrier to deliver all mail to my address. All of this kind of got me way the fuck more interested in law. It was kind of a rush I guess being treated so insignificantly when you are only trying to gather information, and then to have a larger, more powerful, and in every way overriding authority to act in your behalf. It was very much a satisfying cruel pleasure. I also learned an important lesson today. And a much smaller but also important lesson: ALWAYS GET THE NAME OF THE PERSON YOU ARE TALKING TO. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS. ALWAYS GODDAMMIT.

6/17/04
Hmm, it's 11/12/04, and I wrote this down when I was in a really depressive mood. I sound stupid when I get depressed, but I'll type it out anyway.

Why did I do this? Why did I get all my hopes up, why did I invest so much of myself into this? Now it just hurts every time I think about it. And I have no idea what I'm going to do. I've kind of built my life around this for months at least. And now it's all coming to a horrible horrible end. But at least he'll be free of me. And that'll be better for at least one of us. Now I know how everyone else felt. And I was right. The jerk I wanted isn't even a jerk, he was really nice and that's just what breaks your heart in even more pieces. But it's okay. I've always thought I wasn't worth it, that I would be doing humanity a favor if I never touched a guy ever again. I think all of these horrible things about myself. Are they true? Even remotely? What do other people do with these thoughts? Do they have them? Oh well, I DIDN'T DESERVE HIM ANYWAY. I think all the guilt that I've had that he temporarily, magically suspended is coming back. I'm gonna be such a wreck when this is over. I'm already turning into one and we're still living together. God this sucks so much. But, I think he's relieve at least on most levels.

Okay, if I felt that way about my relationship with someone, there was something seriously wrong. Fuck, I'm an idiot. Sounds like it was good that I got out of that. I wrote something else in my notebook, but I didn't date it. I'd say it was probably a month earlier?

I feel more strongly about him than pretty much anyone I've ever known except maybe Phil and he cheated by being my "first." Right now, we are on the verge of breaking up. I know that when we do, it'll hurt a fuck of a lot...not because we got really mean and bitter towards each other, but because I'll miss him so much. I guess he kind of fulfills something in me. That'll be the first time I'll get to miss someone. But we kind of have a lot of problems. Problems that really suck. But, the fact is that I'm depressed and like to internalize all shittiness. He's angry and likes to externalize all shittiness. So, one could see how that might cause a couple of issues. It's really sad, though, because even with so much fucked-upedness, there's so much that's so incredibly great. That's really hard to let go of. Really fucking hard. Especially because not having it will hurt a fucking lot. So, SIGH.

5/5/04
Dude, resizeable html is so awesome. All sites should be like that. My webpage looks good even on a tiny pocketpc screen. That's how the world should be.

4/20/04
I was just talking about Guy to Dude and Dudes says lots of nice stuff about it. I mean, that makes me feel really really good. It's directly related to all of this self-hatred I have telling me that sometimes the only reason anyone ever talks to me is because they want to fuck me. So, when someone says nice things about my Guy, it's pretty much proof that my depressiveness can be dead wrong. Guy said similar stuff about someone else I was going out with and that made me totally filled up with tons of love way high and good and warm and fuzzy and all of that for a while. Mmm, warm fuzzies...

4/18/04
Maybe a law suit is a sign that I should be less depressed. I mean, I've screwed up my life in Far, Far worse ways because of depression, but it's always been sort of a spiral type, almost indirect thing. Just, events lead to other events that lead to other events that fuck up my life. But, a law suit is really incredibly tangible. I didn't care about my life. I got hit. It really really sucked for a long time, but that definitely wasn't enough of a lesson. I didn't get permanently injured, really, so it wasn't as huge of a deal as it could have been. So, then I had to get sued. I mean, it's really ridiculous that anyone who was trying to pass cars on a really tiny, very busy, very heavily trafficked by pedestrians in a city where everyone j-walks would mow down a small girl and then think to sue her. So, clearly it must have been a sign sent to me for my own personal benefit. "Be more careful with your life, and care more."

4/12/04
Rode my bike for about 90 minutes or two hours on the freeway. That was probably the first time I've been on the freeway for more than a few minutes. It was incredibly painful. My back was sore, my hands were freezing cold and getting very little circulation And were getting tired from holding the throttle down for so long. But, I think it was a good experience. I mean, it was kind of fun and I think it was good for me to be feeling pain, but still continue with it. My first impulse was definitely, "wah, this is too hard, I wanna stop." I do that way too much. Bikes are cool.

4/9/04
So, I had a sizeable amount of alcohol last night for like the second time in my life. I'm not sure if it was a really good thing, though. I've been feeling kind of down lately and I didn't really feel like that with alcohol in my system. I actually remember feeling two distinct moods. One where I had no depressive thoughts, no hang-ups, and then another when I just felt really bad and all depressed. It was kind of weird feeling them seperated like that. It made it really clear that depression really isn't a part of me, it's just this clashing emotion that is this undercurrent to what I normally feel (and fucks up what I "should" be feeling). It's really kind of sad. I wonder how I can get that separateness without constantly being in a drunken stupor.

3/30/04
Phil's a real fucking annoyance. Not only is he a bastard, but he makes me annoyed at other things people do that are slightly similar to ways of the phil-bastardness, whereas before, it it didn't bother me at all.

I think being with Guy makes my vanity get completely out of hand (at least concerning certain aspects of me).

PHIL IS SO FRUSTRATING. It's fucking amazing how insensitive and out of touch he is with human emotion.

3/29/04
I think I'm a bit different than a lot of people. I really prefer to have just a few friends that I'm really close to. I don't like having too many people that I have to divide my attention between. It's too much of a headache. So, I think it's really weird to have like a 3-hour conversation with someone and then just not have any desire to speak with them after that. Like, if I'm willing to talk to you for that long then I like can't help but start caring about your life. So, it's kind of hard for me to grasp other people's behavior sometimes when they act incredibly interested in your life, but then just want to completley forget about you after that. I've only done that with one person I can think of who msg'es me constantly and so when I'm completely bored I'll talk to her for a long time and it won't be too bad. But, otherwise, I find our conversations really annoying and boring. I know I'm not boring or annoying if I'm actually interested in what I'm saying, and, even though that sounds really really vain (because it is), I just have a really hard to believing that I would be. So, I think that we're just different. I just don't get how you can talk to someone like you're close friends but not care about them at all. I've encountered a fair number of people like that. Some of them I liked more than others. The ones I didn't like as much just scared me and I thought they were weird and fake and retarded. The ones that I've liked a bit more I just didn't understand and got a little frustrated. I should just either be accepting of it, since it seems like a fairly normal thing, or just decide not to be friends with this people.

Okay, maybe it's just me. I have a tendancy to pick up right where we left off which people find weird. They usually comment on how they like it because it gets rid of a lot of catch-up bullshit that can be pretty boring, but I guess it's really fucking weird.

3/18/04
Sometimes I don't get why I like Guy so much. I don't think I've ever really felt like this about anybody else, so what makes him so fucking special. Sometimes I worry that it's just because he's so damn hot. Or, maybe it's just because of the incredible sex. Or, maybe it's just because my life is kind of at that point where it needs to start over and it's exciting and he just happens to be here. But, I guess there's a lot more to it. I feel silly.

3/17/04
K, I must really like this guy, because we're sitting in a barber shop while he's getting his hair cut, and I thought it was so fun watching tons of hair fall from his head and smiling/laughing at him while he was trying not to laugh and act weird. And, it's also incredibly fun making future plans that involve him. It makes me actually excited about my life and shit. Except, I really need to spend some more time apart from him because when I'm around him, he's so entertaining that I'm almost never productive until I'm alone.

3/14/04
I always thought it was an important thing to try to stay friends with the guy you were "with", because why would you be with someone if you weren't good friends and just liked each other. But, Guy says that it really helps to get over someone if you don't talk to them and hang out with them right after you stop being together. Maybe I'll try that in the future.

3/14/04
K, I think it's time to forget about things that didn't quite happen as right as it could have in my past and move on with my life. I need to start my real life. One in which I have a job and hobbies and get out of the house every day and just something that will be feasible to live like for a really long time.

3/13/04
I was just looking back at my old high school page, and I'm so fucking hilarious it's not even funny. I mean, the page looks absolutely pitiful and it has a lot of things that disgust me when I see that shit on the web, but it's an old site and I refuse to update it. Besides, it just gives it more character or something. The difference between that site and this one (aside from the amount of time I put into it), is that this one is a lot more serious. Also, this site is basically just a bunch of stuff to read. The ihs page has some interactive shit on it, which makes it a little more exciting/entertaining. Maybe I should do shit like that. It's kind of fun.

3/12/04
I'm definitely attracted to nerdy guys. I think they're cute and endearing. The only problem is they become clingy and they don't get over you as easily. And, that's a huge problem because it causes me really bad guilt issues. So, I think I need stay away from nerdy guys. I used to live off the principle that, when you go out with a nerdy guy, he'll just get more experienced and confident and that will help him to get other girls. But, it never seems to work out that way. Wait, I think that it just didn't work out that way once. WITH THE STUPID STUPID GUY WHO MAKES ME THINK I'M HIS ONE AND ONLY TRUE LOVE WHEN REALLY HE'S BEEN TOUTING THAT STORY TO AT LEAST TWO OTHER GIRLS WHO HE'S LIKED LONGER THAN HE'S EVEN LIKED ME. Hmm, I think I've been hating myself way too intensely and exaggeratedly over that for way too long, especially since I'm using my self-hatred to guide my life and limit my behavior. And, the shitty thing about it is I think that the Stupid Guy likes it. He likes that I'm insanely afraid of hurting anyone else because it makes me isolate myself from other guys, which makes me more available to him. I think he also puts me in a bad light to his guy friends so they won't like me and exaggerates our relationship so it looks like he, and only he, has a right to me or something. And, he's also lied and guilt-tripped me into living with him. When I told him I really didn't want to room with him, he said he hated where he was living, but couldn't afford to live on his own, and no one else wanted to live with him so if I didn't move in with him he'd just have to stay where he was, all fucking miserable. Yet, I find out later that his friend wanted to live with him and was even looking for places, but then Stupid Guy tells him they can't be roommates because, "Christina wants to live with me." Maybe I've just thought way too highly of him. No one is perfect, and he's been generally a really nice person. He's just not the ideal human being that I thought he was. I used to be amazed that someone like him could exist, someone who's had things kind of shitty, but still was so nice and great about everything. But, maybe I just liked thinking of him that way because it made me feel better. IT'S CLEARLY WRONG. I used to think he would never do anything to hurt another human being, but he's done some pretty questionable shit. I really just need to delete that part of my life out of my fucking head once and for all so I can go on with my life. I need to stop basing my thoughts and behavior (which are really unhealthy and depressing) on this one fluke that just happened to turn out really really badly (but mostly because I thought about it too much and fucked myself over by feeling so incredibly bad about it).

3/8/04
I've been stressing myself way too much over this stupid law suit. I think I had an over-reaction, which caused me unnecessary grief. But, I think I'm pretty much done with that now. I'm just gonna wait to see if something happens and take what steps are necessary in that event. In the meantime, I won't think about it too much. Hmm, seems really simple. Shoulda thought of that before.

3/7/04
Love is a really hard thing. At least with people. And, I think the main reason it's so difficult is that the both of you actively sabotage the relationship/friendship. Not everyone is in a good mood all the time or is in the mood for you all the time. But, that doesn't mean they like you any less in general. But, one or the both of you feels unsure if the other likes you and so you start acting all weird and maybe a little colder, making the other person think you don't like them all that much. At least I do that.

3/6/04
This is a summary of my problem: I am preventing myself from doing anything right now because I want to shower first, but I don't quite feel like showering. So, I'm just sitting her on my ass feeling a bit annoyed and frustrated and trying to think of things I can do to delay showering for a little bit longer. I'm gonna go take a fucking shower now.

Okay, now I know how much it sucks to be friends with someone who's really depressed. My friend, who's never been depressed in his life, just got into a major depressive slump. Now, he always tells me how much he wants to hang out, but then never calls me, so I call him to make sure everything's okay, and he tells me that he changed his mind and doesn't want to go out or do anything. It's so frustrating. He does nothing but cancel plans that he initiates. Depressed people are stupid and hard to be friends with. And, I don't have enough self-esteem to always be forcing them to do stuff with me or calling them up or emailing them to talk to me. BLAH.

Is it weird to miss someone so much you don't look forward to seeing them?

3/4/04
I'm so over that stupid stupid guy that tries to make me feel like I'm his one and only true love and that he'll never get over me. First of all, I'm not even the only girl that he's after, and I don't think I ever was. WHY DIDN'T HE TELL ME THIS. ALL OF THIS FUCKING TIME WHEN I'VE BEEN SHITTING MYSELF OVER ABOUT HOW BAD I FEEL FOR HURTING HIM AND HOW AWFUL I FEEL THAT HE'LL NEVER GET OVER ME AND MOVE ON TO LESS SHITTY WOMEN, AND HE COULDN'T TELL ME THAT I'M NOT EVEN FUCKING SPECIAL. How the fuck can someone who's so fucking in love with you see you suffer so much because of him and just sit there and not even tell you that you are WRONG about the fundamental reasoning that leads to you to believe you are so shitty. I've spent the last five years thinking that I'm a fucking horrible person and shouldn't be allowed to love anyone at all because all I do is hurt them. Well, you know what. I thought about it and he's the only person who hasn't fucking gotten over it. BECAUSE I'M NOT THAT SPECIAL. It's the biggest thing I beat myself over, too. When I get depressed and start thinking about how shitty I am, this is the first thing that pops in my head. It makes me avoid friends and relationships and even strangers because I think I'm too shitty not to hurt everyone. And that just makes the depression fifty times worse. I can't believe I've been doing this to myself over some shitty guy who I thought was the best human being in the world but who turns out to be a jerk who's done nothing but made me feel really shitty about myself and fuck up other people I love because I have such fucking guilt issues. Not to mention he's fucking creepy and feels me up even when I tell him that I hate it and his unwanted touching reminds me of my fucking grandfather. ANYONE WHO DIDN'T FUCKING HATE YOUR GUTS WOULD STOP. I mean, I know that I've hurt him a bunch, but we fucking hurt each other. I'm starting to think that no good will ever come out of us being friends anymore and it helps a lot that I'm not idealizing him as this perfect human being who can't help but be nice to everyone. So, I'm fucking over it. I'm tired of hating myself so much. I'm tired of trying so hard to detach myself from everyone I love and care about to protect them from myself. It's so stupid and it just ends up hurting EVERYONE IN MY LIFE INCLUDING ME. I can't believe I spent so long in this bullshit.

I'm not a bad person.

Oh my god. What do I have to hate myself over anymore. I may not be very good at life, but at least I'm not an unspeakably horrible person who shits on the people she loves. I know I'm really far from being a perfect person or even a phenomenal person, but at least I feel like I'm a decent human being again. Like, it's really hard for no one to get hurt when you start to feel like you love someone, but most people who've felt that way about me have more or less thought it was a good experience that they learned a lot about themselves from and they've more or less moved on. I guess what I'm saying is that there was more or less a net positive to me getting close to another human being. I don't think I've ever made someone worse off because of me (except maybe the aforementioned stupid stupid guy, but I've now decided that it was all his fault, especially since I've been very clear about not wanting to be with him so if he wants to get all fucked up for still wanting me, then so be it). alwkgelewgjijgewoljwaelwagkel.

3/3/04
Today wasn't so bad. I got a shitload of stuff done. As in, I was busy from 8am to 1pm and 4pm to 5pm. I haven't been outside for so long in ages. I'm fucking exhausted (especially since I slept from 11pm to 2am last night), but I feel better than neutral. Woo.

3/2/04
Why do married people always share a bedroom?

I kind of like the idea of being able to pick up and go. I own way too much stuff. I think I'm gonna try to clean up my apartment and get rid of some things.

3/2/04
There are also petty life details that I have way more trouble with than I should. I'm pretty sure I'd be a lot happier if I just did them and got them over with, but it's so annoying to think of them and then go out and do them. And, thinking about it, it just feels stupid having a life always doing petty little things. But, that's probably my biggest problem. Maybe I'll run an experiment and start actually doing stuff. The fact that I might be getting sued for a stupid motorcycle chick running into me might help since I'll have to get off my ass and take care of stuff so I don't get completely screwed over. But, it doesn't help that it's so stressful and feels so unfair that I have to deal with it.

3/1/04
I think I'd be the perfect person if I weren't so opposed to expending effort. Then, I wouldn't be bored all the time and that would automatically make me not depressed.

2/29/04
I sometimes have this fantasy of playing bastardized dylan with a harmonica and a guitar in BART stations. It'd be funny.

2/26/04
I really feel like I'm pretty hopeless here. I can't get my life together, I always feel really shitty. I'm totally fucked up all around. I make other people's lives really frustrating and horrible because I'm such a big huge shit to deal with. I don't know. It just seems a lot easier to just give up on it. I mean, what's the use in trying to fix something that's hopeless. So, what's the other option? Try harder? I really don't know if I have that in me. Maybe happiness is spending money and being really poor, but at least having shit to do.

2/24/04
It's funny how music can bring back such strong memories. I wonder if I was happy back then. Probably not. But there were a lot of things that I won't ever be able to forget, and I think almost all of them were pleasant.

2/23/04
I think me and Guy are kind of similar. We both should be way more fucked up than we are, but because we're cute enough that people are nicer, more animated, and more forgiving, we managed to be somewhat okay socially. That, in itself, is kind of fucked up, but it lets us be less fucked up.

2/22/04
Great, I've just made a very important realization. I'm incapable of taking care of myself.

2/17/04
I think I'm really stupid, because I don't like to learn things unless I'm _really_ interested in it. I think the definition of being smart is being willing to learn new things. I mean, if I'm interested or forced to learn shit, I do a pretty good job, but yeah. Mostly I have to be forced. And, I'm also really slow at first. Until I get the hang of things. And I like to take lots of breaks. Kind of the same way I write essays that are due in a few hours.

I was really bored and wrote some shit on my thigh and, dude, it was inspirational:

Hello Christina. This is a note to yourself. You should stop thinking about stuff. it just makes you unhappy. Even if it's the truth, who cares. You'd be happier lying to yourself. Just live a lie and go with it. Be delusional. It's better that way and there's nothing wrong with it.

Empty words, but they sound really good. It's pretty good advice, but of course like all advice, hard to follow. And, I only wrote it because Guy was staring at me making sure I didn't write anything depressing.

2/16/04
K, I feel really shitty right now. It just feels like everyone stops talking to me once they realize that I won't fuck them. And, they even fucking stop talking to the guy I'm fucking because he's fucking me and they're not. It's like I'm not worth talking to unless they can occasionally have their dick inside me. Some of these guys I really loved a lot and loved hanging out with, too. But, they just care about sticking penises into me. Once there's no chance of that, then just fuck it. It's not worth it.

2/15/04
So, I'm really starting to despise my site. I mean, for good reason. It's really shitty. I mean, I do have a few excuses for it. 1, I don't care at all and I'm lazy. 2, I'm not really aiming for popularity. I don't think this site is really meant for a wide audience. 3, if I'm gonna be saying all sorts of shit that is meant to stay in my stupid head (or, some less depressed people would say should die in my stupid head and never come out because they're worthless, self-destructive thoughts), then if anyone really wants to read this bullshit, they should go though a little trouble to navigate to it. I.e., I don't have in big huge letters, "READ MY JOURNAL, PLEASE READ MY JOURNAL. GOD, IT'S SO INTERESTING, READ IT NOW." Um, yeah. There are probably a ton more excuses, but I had a more important point. So, I'm thinking of redoing this thing just because it's so god-awful, but I'm not really sure what to do. I don't really want to put any effort into it, but I also don't want to be disgusted every time I look at it. Sigh.

2/13/04
This time, I'm gonna do it. It's against all of my principles, but I'm going to do something for Valentine's. Something SPECIFICALLY FOR VALENTINE'S. (Well, also because it's on the weekend and this might be my last free time before I need to interview and shit...or at least stay home all day and wait for calls that never come but force me to sit all day on my ass like I always do....um, yeah...).

2/12/04
K, lots of people I know are in love with Charlize Theron, and I thought she was pretty okay, but, for some reason, after Monster, I think she's way hot now. Now, I'm totally sold on Charlize, and I blame my depressiveness.

2/10/04
My prof emailed me about my dead real estate career. I really didn't want to get back into it, but the email fucking got me up before eight in the morning. And, I have a big fat crush on the guy and I like him. So, maybe it'll be good. It certainly is more motivating then cleaning the damn apartment.

2/9/04
I really shouldn't have watched Monster. Basically what I got from the movie: love isn't worth it; sometimes people get so fucked up there's just nothing that can ever be done and you just have to give up (either on yourself or on them); people are really cruel and do things shittily even when they can easily be done very nicely and happily for everyone; maybe it's impossible to tell if you really love someone (I mean, how can you really be sure?).

2/5/04
I've been told that I'm long-winded and like to tell stories too much when I should be more to the point. By two white men who talk too much.

1/31/04
Why do guys have to act so fucking weird when they like you? It's stupid and weird and just does exactly the opposite of what they're aiming for. And, it's annoying. All it really does is make it more and more impossible for you to talk to them and be friends with them and shit. Now, why would anyone go and do something like that? When I'm feeling okay, I just think the lot of them are stupid idiots and need to fix themselves so I can hang out with them. When I'm horribly depressive, I think that all they see me as is a sex object; they don't give a shit about me and couldn't care less if they ruined our friendship just for the small chance that they might get to touch me. Just want my body and I'm worthless otherwise.

I've always liked words (just look at how long this stupid thing is). That's why I'm so in incredibly in love with Bob Dylan. I can't ever get over how much his songs/lyrics affect me. God, I love him. But, anyways. Oh yeah, what was I talking about...? Oh yeah. So. I think I've been most in love with guys who like words, too. People who just make a lot of sense to me. It's sexy and it makes me feel really close to them. And, it's really gratifying to feel understood and all that shit.

1/28/04
Lots of my friends just don't "get" things. Mostly what I'm talking about is getting other people to desire you. I mean, it's a pretty fundamental part of being a human. People were meant to fuck and shit. I've tried to explain it to them, but it's just really hard for me to do it or something. Maybe it's because I'm a girl and it's a lot easier for me. I guess what a guy does to get a girl to want him might be a lot different, but I was trying to explain this all to a chick and I don't really think she was getting it, either. In fact, I don't think a lot of women get it. Girls sometimes fling themselves at guys and just cross their fingers or some shit. But, I think my advice was really good - that it's a lot more important that they desire you and not as much that you desire them. You want to show them how much they want you, not how much you want them.

So, I've always thought that being bisexual was ideal. It's sort of like showing that you're a bigger person than to be all prejudiced against half of the people on the planet because of some minor physical trait/s. But, a while ago, in the shower, I was just thinking, "dude, I'm not really all that lesbian." Or, at least not enough to want to go through the effort it would take for me to nab a woman. But, I think that I just discovered what it would take for me to really want a female. She would just have to insult me profusely for an extended period of time...without animosity or anything but good will and a good-natured laugh at my expense. Well, I guess it would be more of an exchange of insults. But, I think that would be incredibly sexy and that afterwards, I'd want to just take her. That would totally make me les for her.

1/26/04
I've been more than a little fucked up lately. Granted, I've been in a little bit of pain since the end of last year, but still. Most of it's just my own damn fault. Today was a pretty good day, relatively though. I'm not sure if it's just because the stinging from the stupid bruises and scrapes and swelling is dying down a little, because I actually ate today, because the apartment is a lot cleaner than it usually is, or because I'm alone for the first time in a while. Regardless, I should really try to be just the tiniest bit less self-sabotaging. The Terminator said that anger is a more useful human emotion than despair. That's the best line from a movie I've ever heard. I just have too huge of a tendency to shut down and not want to do anything when thing's aren't going "right." And of course that makes everything spiral worse and worse. I'm too despairing. It's stupid, but really hard to get out of. I'll try harder (or, at all). Woo. Go me. Rah. Rah.

1/23/04
K, I don't really like talking about random shit that happens to me each day here, but this is noteworthy. I was, um, crossing the street today and some stupid chick on a motorcycle fucked the shit out of me. I wasn't really all that hurt, but dude, that was annoying. I remember feeling what might have been a tire hit me somewhere, I don't really know where, and next thing I knew, I was like, "hmm, I'm sliding down the road..." So, I just sat tight for a little while flat on my face in the street until I could move. Funny thing was that no one even stopped, just drove by my motionless body which was a couple inches from the yellow street markers. But, whatever, I'm fine. Lesson: eat fucking breakfast or lunch or something because I totally remember thinking that I'm probably gonna get run over and die but do I give a shit? I'm starving and it's too much stupid effort to look carefully. Now my knees are spewing pus everywhere and things hurt.

But, dude, the EMT girls were hot, and they were cool, too. I'm so amazed. The girl that hit me was totally not hot at all and I think she was an idiot because she totally had enough time to swerve. She might've fell over, but at least she wouldn't have hit me. And, hitting a human being is probably a worse way to fall than just dropping your bike. I think I'm gonna have a thing about medical chicks now, though. Some of the chicks at Lifelong and Berkeley Free Clinic were actually talkable to and not stupid idiots.

1/22/04
Dude, I'm so much more talkative when I'm in a good mood. And, it's a lot more fun, too. I wonder if this is what's its like for normal people, except that it happens way more and level of fun is more intensive.

1/14/04
I was looking up this author (Montherlant) on google and found this site about how shitty women are, especially to nice guys. Like the type of people that make you feel good about just knowing they exist. But, I've never been able to go out with a guy for too extended period of time. It just fizzles after awhile or something. I have no idea. At first, I thought it was just because I'm super-fucked-up and incapable of love, but maybe it's this whole nice guy thing. I mean, there's gotta be a reason why they are so scorned. Maybe they just make things way too easy. Like, the guy I'm all with now is more of an asshole than anyone else I've been with and I think I like him most/more. It's fun telling each other how much we can't stand each other and he doesn't let me be as lazy because he doesn't hop in anticipation of my every possible whim. The reduction in laziness is a lot healthier for me, too. And when he does do nice things, it feels more special because he ordinarily would never do shit like that. I'm also reading this book right now where the main character is a big huge fucking asshole, and it's kind of sexy. Is that sort of thing just sexy? I mean, I do have my excuses. Like, I think honesty is really sexy, and he certainly is brutally honest. Plus, it's kind of funny. And, he's being an asshole to stupid women which is always deserved and entertaining. But, am I just making stuff up because I think such a jerk is hot and need to justify it so I'm not lame and retarded? Are jerks just inherently attractive and nice guys are impossible to love for sustained periods of time? There are several appealing aspects of jerks. I've always wanted to date at least one. I've always wanted someone to break my heart just to see how that feels. You never have to worry about hurting a jerk's feelings which is kind of freeing. You can claim to be and convince yourself that you are as committal as possible without actually having to be serious about it since you know he'll leave you sometime soon anyway. I guess you can basically feel whatever you want without regard, without thinking, and still not be stuck with any bad decisions you've made. He'll decide eventually what happens - that he'll dump your stupid self-fooling ass. Also, maybe it's impossible to love someone who loves you more than you could ever love them.

1/5/04
Now, this definitely should've been a crying dream, but it wasn't. I was very much crying in my dream, like, so hard it woke me up, but I didn't wake up crying (hooray for me). Also, this was, content-wise, my worst crying dream, I would say (i.e. my grandpaw had a starring role). Not that he was doing anything he usually doesn't. He just has to be there for me to freak out. There was this huge family gathering at my aunt's house (much like last week or so's xmas family bash, except that there were hundreds of Viets running around, most of which I didn't know). And, I saw my grandpar in the hallway, as in, almost running into him, where I then proceeded to cream incessantly. I think at this point, he touched my hand (either now or later in the dream, I can't remember). And that made me scream even more, and also repeat, "HE TOUCHED MY HAND, HE TOUCHED MY HAND" over and over again. Everyone thought I was weird. Then I went to sleep. I woke up the next day kind of a mess. I needed to take a shower, so I went downstairs (this would now be my granddar's old house where the fateful event happened). But, I saw him everywhere and became a screaming wreck again. I went back upstairs to get the fuck away from him and I think I might have been crying. There was a shower upstairs, but it was very black and dirty, so I just stood there behind the door crying. Justin and Steph came in and tried to get me downstairs to maybe eat a little or something. It felt nice that they cared. Co Hang and somewhat Uncle Dung also expressed concern that made me feel a little better. Then, I was downstairs, and of course saw him in the hallway and began screaming some more, until I ducked in a room to hide. Now there was some old family member guy there I didn't recognize and I told him about grandda. I've told very few family people about this. Although, I guess I did it jokingly (it's a story not really to be told with thumbs up). But, I wanted him to believe me. So, I finally got out of the room, and things were being televised, with my mom holding a mike. I saw my grandpar who was still out there in the hallway and was screaming about it again. To avoid incident, my mom said something like, "oh, she's just being a little princess" and everyone should just ignore me for being such a spoiled brat and screaming for no reason. I couldn't believe she said that. I started crying even harder and tried to get out between sobs, "how could you call me that." I was trying so hard to say that through my sobbing, it woke me up. I might possibly have been saying that as I woke up. (Yeah, that definitely should've been a crying dream, and I remember it way too vividly to be healthy). I blame it on the excess of sleep at very weird hours and a severe lack of food in the last few days. It made me start thinking about that xmas gathering. Of course, good ole grandpaw was there and so was my visiting Berkeley friend who had nowhere else to go. Well, while I was in the bathroom or talking with cousins or something, my mom introduced him to my grandpa and had them shake hands. HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT. Why the fuck is he still a part of my family?? This is so fucking wrong. And, also, when everyone gets together to open presents and stuff and joke around and be with each other, I have to sit in the corner away from everything because I just cannot stand looking up and seeing my grandfather. I mean, why does he get to be with his family and I don't. He's a fucking asshole. I'm an asshole too, but I don't go around raping children, especially not ones that love me and trust me. When shit like that happens, it just kind of gets a girl down. Oh well.

12/31/03
K, is he perfect or something? He's a total asshole to me which is nice so I'm not the only one throwing around the insults, he's great to talk to and just makes so much sense to me, he somehow manages to convince me that my depressive thoughts are actually stupid, he wrestles and fucks around with me, he's fun to hang out with. And, (although he sucks driving one certain vehicle), I love his driving. He took me driving on this windy road, going really fast at night when everything was damp. He was obviously taking all the curves way too fast and when he saw some guy on the other side of the road with brights, he tapped the brake which made the car go a little crazy, and with just one hand managed to slide across the road in front of the other car, do a u-turn and use the side brush to stop the that wouldn't die or something. That was the sexiest thing in the world and I'm getting a little turned on just thinking about it. But, I'm also really worried that this is just a passing phase. I wonder how much I'll like him. And I wonder why I'm so worried about it. Like, I'm trying not to think everything's perfect when it isn't and sometimes think of things that would make things fall apart in the somewhat near future.

12/19/03
I think it helps a lot that Dude is a little bit of an asshole. Rather, he isn't the nicest person in the world and lets everyone walk all over him. It kind of helps me think that maybe I'm not responsible for everyone's feelings. Maybe people need to take care of themselves. Like, yesterday, I im'ed someone in the middle of a 24-hour exam. Ordinarily I would apologize profusely and leave her alone, but I just kept on talking to her. I figured that when she needed to get back to writing, she'd be able to do it. I mean, stuff like that comes more easily. But, sometimes it's really hard. Especially when guys do the "one true love" bullshit 5 years after you two stopped hanging around each other so much. Things like that make me hate myself just a tad bit more and start thinking how I should never talk to anything with a dick ever again in my life.

12/18/03
Something really shitty happened which would ordinarily make me hate myself forever, but I'm sitting here thinking about some of the stuff that has happened that also just happened to create aforementioned shittiness, and I can't help but feel kind of good about life and shit. I feel good. Go figure.

12/17/03
So, I've always felt pretty shitty about what I've done to the people I love. I've always kind of been the one to end things and usually against their will. And, I've always felt pretty guilty about it. Very guilty and very shitty. But, Dude somehow made me start thinking that maybe it was all worth it. Maybe the happy-good stuff that occurred somehow offsets the shittiness that I brought upon them. Like, I do have an enormous tendency to focus on the bad, horrible, depressive things and to completely overlook any good that could have come from anything. So, maybe I'm not that horrible of a human being. But, seriously. I don't know how he makes me feel like this. I have so much hate for myself, and I'm really good at it. Very convincing (at least to myself, which is most important). So, yeah. I don't know what's going on. But, I suppose it's good.

12/4/03
Me and Dude were talking about mutually hated Girl that he knows a lot better than I do. In fact, I managed to despise her without ever exchanging any English syllables between us. But, after talking to him, I started to really get into the hating of her. It felt really, really bad. I mean, it just seems like there isn't really anything redeeming about her. Pure evil might be an apt description. It's really awful to actually, truly, passionately hate someone. It feels HORRIBLE. After awhile, I couldn't take it anymore and was begging him to tell me something redeeming. Something. But, yeah. Staying away from evil people is a very good idea. I'd rather hate them from a distance and feel slightly guilty for it since I don't know them too well and may be judging them harshly. Especially since I have such little faith in humanity as it is.

11/24/03
Argh, my life has become so pathetic. I'm so lazy and lethargic, it's horrible and wrong. Horribly wrong. I can barely do anything except sit around. I really need to do something about it. I mean, the funny thing is that I feel overall fine considering the potential badness of the situation. But, I think it would be a good idea not to get to the rock bottom of it before getting off my ass to do something about it. I mean, I did "sort of" get a job. I drive some dude to and from work and get his BART fares. I was so proud of myself for being "employed." But, it's so not enough. Then I do shit for the rest of the day. There are like things that I'd really like to have done, too. Things that I could like, be doing. But, no. Instead, I just took probably a three hour nap. How stupid. Yeah, I gotta do something about this.

11/18/03
Oh my god, I have the best instincts in the world. I couldn't figure out why I liked Dude so much because he was such a big huge dork from what I knew about him. And, I kept on feeling like he was a lot different (which he says he thinks he's changed a bunch, too). But, you know, I went from barely giving a shit to really really liking. Then, last night, I found out he is like the most amazing person in the world. How do I meet all of these wonderful people? Maybe I'm just amazed because I feel that such few decent human beings exist that they're almost negligible, so it's shocking to discover one. And, maybe he's just a sweet/fast-talker or something, because in like 3-4 sentences he's got me to all of a sudden switch to only seeing the end-part of things where it's over and people miss it and it's horrible, to actually maybe appreciating all of the time and shit it took to get you to miss something so much when it's gone. I mean, shit. That's amazing. But, I might just be starry-eyed with all the newness and fun. And, it might end in a horrible, painful mess. But, it would be okay, because so much niceness and fun has been created in the meantime. God, how stupidly optimistic those last few sentences were. Maybe he'll turn me into a boring optimist who only thinks normal things (haha, funny joke).

11/17/03
This is what's really dumb about being deathly starving. I get really picky about food.

11/15/03
Holy shit. You're kidding me. I haven't written in here for almost 2 months. That's a record. I was just about to say that I miss my journal shit, and no wonder. It's been forever. I wonder why I just don't have the desire to write in here like I used to. It's not like momentous stuff hasn't happened in the meantime. Like, last night was good. Actually, it was horrible. I went to bed at 11p, that failed miserably, gave up at 1a, went to someone's house and bringing them pie, came back home at 4a, still couldn't able to sleep, then did "stuff" around 5a, then finally was able to sleep, then woke up sometime past noon. What horribleness. I think I do tons better on a regular sleeping schedule. But, it was all worth it. The someone I brought pie to is one of the best human beings in the world. Except that he likes a fucked up asshole like me. But last night he said that he was (finally) over it. Like, I can't even say how much that means to me. I can't even think too much about how much that means to me since I start crying about how relieved I feel, how much less of a burden I feel, and how so much of the last feel years have been so guilt-ridden about it. Plus, I found a new attractive force in my life. That's always fun. It's something new, and since we all need that never-ending novelty in our lives (because we can never just be satisfied with what we have), woo. And, I like that when you're getting to know someone, all of your stories are brand new. Sometimes you get to see things in new ways. Things that are still the same old tired line. Like, it's really a problem how guilty I feel about hurting people. I mean, not that you shouldn't feel guilty at all, but I go a little overboard with it. Destructively overboard. It prevents me from getting too close to people which just hurts them more (yeah, I think that exact sentence has been said like 20 times already in these pages). But, what I said to Dude which is something that is really true but I just don't believe enough, is that it's My problem. My issues. It's not that I'm protecting people from myself. They don't need to be fucking protected. I mean, I'm so against sheltering. Then, people never learn anything which may be quite vital. So, I guess I'm saying that I shouldn't like blame other people for liking someone so fucked up. I should just not be so fucked up and let people feel how they feel. Heh, like I could ever do that (at least right now). But, it's something I should think about or start. Shrug.

8/29/03
Hmm, I'm supposed to go to this association meeting which involved a cocktail, a dinner, and then presentations and crap. Prof said it was basically a networking free-for-all. ...SCARY! I hate parties and crap. I have no idea how this is going to work. I think what I need to do is find that voice that I totally hate and think is stupid and normalizes people into indistinctive, conformative, mindless, superficial blobs that constantly echoes, "I hope they like me." I know a ton of people have this voice in their heads, and I haven't really liked that part of them so much. Let's see...meish, two phils, bing are the people that most come to mind. But, maybe that's because I get to know the bad side of it. One certain person I felt just to be a bitch, but Person was also really unhappy because Person was trying way too hard and actually said Person-in-Question was quite lonely. Others were just idiots who tried really hard to be liked and crap but didn't really give a shit about the people that were doing the liking, and thought a lot of them were dumb. Like, what's the point of that. Others just got way too stressed about it, almost debilitatingly preoccupied with it. I also know someone who's so afraid/certain people won't like him, he makes it come true. Um, but, anyways. I had a point. Um. Oh yeah. I need to do that, too. I don't think I have to worry too much about it like taking over my life, but I do have to make myself out to be a star in people's eyes. I've never really cared all that much before. This'll be so new for me. I barely know where to start. What the hell did I get myself into?

8/26/03
Oh, god. That was the most annoying thing in the world. My mom decided to come up to Berkeley to visit. GOD, she fucking love to shop. She made me fucking go shopping with her for fucking 10 HOURS STRAIGHT. It was the worst day of my life. We were running around the whole fucking city of SF finding her stupid pillow cases and crap. And, it just happened to be the hottest it's ever been in weeks. I HATE HEAT. I'm fucking letting her do everything her stupid little head wants the whole fucking day, and she won't even let me go into a stupid air-conditioned store for 2 seconds. I'm dying of heat exhaustion and she's just like, "Let's go on cable cars!" God, I wanted to kill myself. AAAHHHH!!! And then, the next day, she was pushing me to DO MORE FUCKING SHOPPING. Oh my god, STAB STAB STAB STAB. But, I guess it was good that she came. I realized that some of the fucked up things I do are directly related to that wonderful upbringing that she gave me. She's super rude to people. Like, with all of the waiters, she just got what she wanted from them and then ignored them like they were a big, huge irritance. I used to do that in high school. I remember cyn and er were like apologizing for me to some ticket guy, I think. And then they proceeded to have a long, laughful conversation about my rudeness. I think that was the first time I really noticed it. I know that now, I'm way nicer to waiters and stuff. Thank god I'm not like my mom. I thought she was being so shitty to people. She also has the very very worst problems in communication. She doesn't say anything to people at all. The best she'll do is talk about what's bothering her to other people, so the person she's angry at or whatever never knows what's wrong unless they hear about it from someone else. That's also pretty shitty, but mostly for my mom. She lets stuff collect and compound inside her until it blows up in a big horrible mess. I think her husband is pretty miserable (his own words). So, I guess I've at least progressed beyond that. To where, we won't talk about, but better than nothing.

8/21/03
I really like the quotes on my me page. (Now, how many times have I said that).

8/20/03
Hmm, I think I only like writing in this thing when I'm super depressed. Happy Christina doesn't really get much credit here. Well, not that I've been extraordinarily happy lately, but I haven't really had time to get depressed because of all the busyness and stress. Or, maybe I've just been disconnected from this thing since I haven't written in it regularly for so long. It's kind of weird because I used to have entries at least like every other day. I think I really needed someone/thing to talk to. Journals are good for that. Maybe I just haven't felt the need to spill my guts. Besides, everything's boring if it's not depressy. Who wants to hear that I went to Copperopolis the other day...Actually, I think that's kind of interesting. It's not quite deep, but it's something. I guess I could write about crap like that. But, it just seems like no one would really care except for me. This thing will just become a boring recital of the commonplace events in my life. It'll become shallow, lifeless, DULL. I don't know, would anyone want to hear about crap like that? Well, I'll just write it down so I'll remember, I guess. So, a warning to non-christina's reading this. The following paragraph may be incredibly boring and may require skimming or skipping.

I've been exploring the Bay Area a bit. Novato is the crappiest city in the entire world and I hate it hate it hate it. They're pretentious bastards. The whole city looks like a faceplate for people who try really hard to look cool, but they're really just pompous bastards with no real personality of their own. The women all look like they're from Texas, teased hair and tons of make-up. If you don't fit a very strict standard, they totally look down on you and just want you as far away from them as possible so as not to bring down the stupid image that they try so hard to create. I went to a restaurant there and was wearing a nerdy shirt and the hostess totally was just staring at my stupid shirt. It was so incredibly rude. And, the city was trying really hard to look urban and pretty, but was doing a crappy job of it. Trying to look rich, but no one actually is. Hate that city. In fact, I think I dislike all of that area above the north bridge. Napa is kind of cute, but when you actually go to places, they're kind of crappy. Seems like all of north bay just cares about looks. Plus, I met this fucker from that place. Okay, he's actually pretty nice, but a ton of things annoy me about him. He's always showing off about how many important connections he has, and talks endlessly about "his" winery. He even showed us this SLIDESHOW, complete with sappy music of this stupid winery that he goes to hoping that they'll let him participate, and of course it's on his 17" ibook that he got such a good deal on because he has a connection at apple. Like, he's just a poor stupid college kid like everyone else and should get over himself. Heh, yeah, I'm a little bitter, but for other reasons that I'm way too annoyed about to get into right now. Pleasanton is way too "Go America" and San Jose is just big, hot, and ugly. There are a ton of big, huge electronics stores there, and that's kind of cool, but it's just way too annoying. Everything's just so huge and disconnected. I also went to Angel's camp. That was weird. I've never ever been anywhere with such little civilization. The cows were the big highlight of urbanity, and even then, it usually was only one or two small families of cow. Some of it was really pretty, but I don't think I could ever deal with it for any length of time. I also went to Danville. When I first got there it was pretty neat. It was in the middle of nowhere, but there were a Ton of shops. It had a cute little downtown and stuff, but when I walked around...first of all, it's HOT. Second of all, all the shops were basically for young housewives. Lots of furniture and really dressy clothes. The people there weren't all that great, either. And, all of the thrift stores were "consignment" shops. How pretentious and dumb. They did have a lot of thrift shops, though. That was cool, except that even those were really pretentious. All of the clothes were really dressy. What the hell do all these people do that require you to look like you're going to a banquet? It was dumb. Except that they did have an Alla Prima...Sadly enough, the best place I've been to is TRACY. COWTOWN. But, the people there are really really great. They're just Nice. I think the town is pretty cool. Like, in the parking lot, no one locks their car. They have a really dorky mall, though. But, a lot of malls in the bay area are like that, plus I hate malls. K, that's my spiel.

8/19/03
Let the record show that I've changed my mind about people/chicks. Dude was nice and all, but way to business savvy and networky for me. He was just too smooth and I wasn't into it. But, it turns out that he has a friend (they seem close) who seems to sleep all day (a Sure sign of depression), and another close friend of his was really into Bob Dylan in high school! This automatically means she's smart, cool, and depressed. She also happens to be my co-worker. I totally think she's so sexy now. At first, she was this annoying popular chick who does nothing but talk about shopping. And, while that's still true, I now think she's sexy. I mean, she's obviously really hot since she was hired at my office (her and all of the other girls). So, I guess even people who are really obnoxious and act superficial and dumb and do nothing but talk about stupid things like shopping can be cool (i.e. depressy).

8/5/03
Must..stop...spending...money. Just because I can get a 120gb drive and a 52x cdrw for 40 bucks doesn't mean I have to buy it. Okay, I still think that was a pretty good deal, but still. Oh the recklessness.

7/30/03
Jesus, it's been a long time since I've written in this. It didn't even seem like That long. Oh well. We all should be proud that I finally remembered to write something in here even though I thought about it a Really long time ago. I think that I've always been depressy, because even as a kid my favorite characters were eeyore and Snuffleupagus. Those are the ones I remember liking the most. But, I was also into Oscar the Grouch and Slappy the Squirrel (though that was when I was older). I think when I was really young, I liked Grover, but I'm not completely sure. I really liked Chilly Willy the Penguin. But, like, I completely didn't see what was so great about Big Bird. He was the main character and seemed really popular, but I just thought he was annoying. Maybe he seemed to think he was smarter than everyone else or something. Dude, I don't know. I forget. Shrug.

7/7/03
Hmm, maybe I should start this thing up again. I've had a few things that I wanted to put in here but then was too lazy to do it. I just don't think that it matters as much to me as it used to. Hmm, let me think of a couple things to say. I'm getting along a lot better with my mom lately. I guess that's a good thing, but it feels Really strange. I haven't had a decent relationship with my mom since like the fourth grade, so I don't know Anything about her. I think this is the first real conversation I've ever had with her. She seems to be like most women. She holds grudges and is kind of petty. She likes to gossip. (God, I'm so sexist). And, god, she likes to shop. She bought so many things and took me to so many places I was getting a big, fat headache. I'm not completely sure why I'm making an effort, because in any other circumstance I'd stay as far away from her as possible. But, I guess it's the whole family thing, whatever that means. Maybe it's biological, maybe it's so culturally enforced that it's instinctual. Maybe it's just a force of habit. Maybe it's because she tries so hard with me that it just seems right and natural that I talk to her and stuff. Or, maybe my aunt is right and I've just grown up. Although, I don't like that last one and I'm not really sure what the hell that's supposed to mean. But, it probably helps a lot that it's been such a long time of me not having to deal with her that I can stand it again. Shrug. I hate it when people say evil things about other people. My mom has a long-standing grudge with her sister-in-law, and she thought it was only right that I should hear all about it since I've been nice to her. It's so annoying. I mean, I have no issues with her and I just want to get along. It feels so much nicer to like someone and have a nice little relationship with them. But, now I know all of this crap about her that's all one-sided and happened like 10 years ago. I can't help it affecting me, even when I just want to be neutral and let everyone be. I hate politics. K, that's my complaint for today.

6/13/03
Brains are so incredibly dumb and stubborn. What else could tell you that you're doing something horribly stupid, say that you shouldn't do it anymore, then go right on ahead and keep on doing it? It's so hard to change all of those stupid little habits that you've formed and don't think about anymore. Even when those habits are KILLING you. Stupid, stupid brains. I guess it's a Lot easier to learn new things than to wrench yourself out of a STUPID rut.

6/9/03
Okay, I think maybe I figured it out. When I get depressed, it's Really Really hard for me to talk. But, as soon as I start talking again, I feel better. THIS IS THE KEY. Except, I'm not sure if I'm already getting better, so I'm able to talk, or if the talking is what's making me better. Well, it's probably both.

I talk about depression relentlessly. I wonder how boring it gets for everyone else. Not that gobs of people come just to hear the dumb, depressy thoughts in my poor stupid head. Shrug.

5/16/03, 3:03AM
I don't think I ever realized how much mental effort I put into making myself hate life, myself, everything. It's always been very subconscious. One of my favorite methods (at least lately...who knows how long I've been doing it, but at least I'm slightly more aware) is to make up something ridiculous and say to myself, "if this person doesn't do this, then it means they don't care...about me." Then, I feel like shit. They hate me, and I hate me. Then, all of a sudden, it's real easy to just not want life anymore. I mean, what for? I've always said to myself that it's really hard to live day in and day out in this fucked up shithole that we call life (or, I think of as just dying). But, it's not really that at all. Okay, I still think it is. But, at least part of it is just me creating reasons to hate it so much. What's really hard is trying to change those thoughts in your head. I've been (earnestly) trying to change them for about two days now (or, maybe I should say I've been more aware of it and have actually gotten to the point where I've told myself that maybe that's not so right and maybe isn't so healthy, and maybe shouldn't so much be done. See, I'm growing). And, I've never felt anything harder to do in my life. It's completely different from forcing yourself through another day. That takes huge effortfulness, but mostly because I just don't want to do it. I guess it's mostly Dread. Trying to change the thoughts in your head doesn't really feel like effort. It Just Feels Impossible. I completely don't feel I have the strength to do it. It's Hard. Maybe I can't...

Oh wait. Whoops. I'm not supposed to say that, am I... I sort of think that the only reason I've gotten to this point at all is because Dude actually manages to do a lot of the ridiculous, impossible things that I tell myself will be the only sign that someone cares. I think that might be new. It also might just be because I've realized that I want that now and subconsciously make it happen. That might be a huge part of it. Who knows. Oh yeah, when in doubt, it's probably both. So, maybe there's hope. (Ew, did I just say an evil word? Okay, I don't think I can live with that. Must correct it...) Maybe I won't want to be so depressed anymore. (Heh, I can't believe I just said that. Sounds really wrong. K, I so know this won't last long. Well...at least there's a record of it.)

Hah! Good luck!

2/25/03
Bob Dylan is like, so much a part of me. Or, he means lots of things to me, or something like that. I think that's why I liked Tr-Dude so much. No one else I know is really into him at all. Except maybe M. But, he doesn't count. Well, maybe he does. I guessed I liked him/felt closest to him when we were talking/listening to Dylan. Shrug.

2/23/03
Hmm, so, I guess normal people are supposed to like talking to other people and being around people just because. So, maybe it's the depression that makes me complete uninterested in people that I don't Like. At least that's what Dude says. So, it's supposed to feel good to be like, social and crap. How odd. It really does absolutely nothing for me to associate with like, acquaintance-type people. I pretty much couldn't care less. The only people that are worth shit to me are maybe at the very most 10 who've I've decided I like. Okay, on a really really good day, maybe it's as many as 15. Something like that. On a bad day, it could be like 1 or 2. The rest of the world could fall off the face of the earth as far as I care. Heh. Well, so that's putting it a bit bitterly, but yeah.

2/17/03
Even when you try really hard not to be depressed, when you try to busy yourself with a bunch of things so that you don't lie down and sleep and just want to die, it doesn't work very well. Right when you think that you might have passed it, and you slow down, it comes and hits you. You can't just distract yourself from it. You actually have to do something about it. Must take note of that for future reference.

2/16/03
Hmm, when I feel abandoned by someone, it takes an unnaturally long time for me to turn back on my "normal" caring function. And, it takes a lot of effort all around and annoying ordeals to go through. I soo have abandonment issues, sigh.

Oh yeah, I also don't ever tell the other person that I feel all dumb and abandoned because I know I'm being unreasonable for thinking like that. So, that's bad and unhealthy, too. Yep.

2/16/03
I had the weirdest dream last night. I was this family, I think maybe I was the dad. We were in this huge place that had a huge garden with one of those bush mazes. The walls were like 20 feet high. Sort of reminded me of The Shining (which I had talked about earlier that day, so maybe that's why). The mother was going crazier and crazier in the dream. She was caught between the real world and a world inside paintings and she was slowly drawing the rest of the family into this world. So, I was switching into two different realities, one that was the real world (or, technically, my dream reality), and this two-dimensional reality where we were all trapped in a painting. At first it was very short, but we kept on being trapped in for longer and longer. The dad (me), was feeling increasingly helpless because he wanted to help his wife, but instead, he just kept on slipping further into her insanity. It was kind of a scary dream. At the very least, very eerie.

2/15/03
When you get depressed, your muscles relax. So, when you tell yourself to do something, your body doesn't really listen. You might be saying to your muscles, "Go get something to eat," but they've already decided that they're staying put. To actually get up and get some food, you have to do a manual override and that takes a lot of effort.

2/13/03
Hmm, I haven't been bored for a really long time, then I realized that I've been learning how to sew, sort of learned dream analysis, have got The Denial of Death to read, of course been DVD-ing like crazy, and when I get bored of that, will learn handwriting analysis. Like, that's so healthy. So...Active. How odd. I guess it's good. Er, wait. It's remarkably good. Suspiciously good...Well, except for the fact that the past few days I've been mainly playing stupid computer games. But, not to the point of extraordinary, depressive-looming boredom. Well, yay for me.

2/11/03
Hmm, it feels like I haven't updated this in ages, but it's only been ten days. I spend way too much time on this thing. Oh wait, I don't do Anything and get paid for it. So, maybe when I have a real job or Ian finally wises up and forces us to actually do something useful or expands our services so much that we actually start to get an existent number of calls, I'll spend less time on this. Anyways, I'm completely rambling. I'm just really bored right now and it felt like my journal-thing needed to be written in. This entry is going to be really boring and useless because I just wrote a really annoying email to my friend that's about 20 pages long and says Absolutely Nothing. So, I am now practiced in saying a bunch of nothingness. Maybe I should go to a party and I'll actually do what I'm supposed and make tons of worthless small talk. Hmm. Okay, I really am rambling. I think I'll stop now. I should save my journal entries for when I actually think of something that I'd want to write down like I usually/always do. Hmm, hopefully I won't do this again.

2/1/03
I was thinking why I'm so paranoid about people I care about not really loving me. I mean, I've never really been rejected and not have my love returned before. Well, I'm way too paranoid to let that happen. So, why am I so scared by it? Well, I figured that it's because people who are supposed to care about me do things so fucked up it makes it really really hard to believe that they could actually have liked me at all. Then, after that, I was thinking that this was making me really feel like shit. Then, I thought, about avoidant attachment styles and stuff (yeah, I'm too into psychobabble) and how people with insecure attachment styles are completely inconsolable, which is what I felt. So, I figured that it's because you get used to not having anyone or anything to comfort you, and so you just don't Do anything that could possibly make you feel better. You don't reach out for anyone, you don't try to distract yourself. You are inconsolable. Learned helplessness crap, I guess. So, I think that instead of telling myself that everyone hates me and that I don't deserve to be liked, I should just swallow my fears and pride or whatever other crap that I couldn't probably even begin to dig up and just talk to someone when I'm down.

1/29/03
Dude, am I really that weird? I don't even have the same dreams as other people. Even if I sort of dream about the same type of action, I don't dream it at all in the same way. It has completely different meaning for me. I don't really ever dream about falling, and that's supposed to be common, when I dream about flying, it's not free-soaring at all, it always takes a lot of work to fly. I don't Ever remember dreaming about money. I've had maybe one or two dreams in my life about showing up naked (well, at least in an embarrassed sort of way) to something. Usually when I'm naked in a dream it's either normal, or, I'm trying to feel normal and somewhat succeeding even though no one else is really naked either. I barely ever dream about failing a test. Hmm, actually. I dream constantly about mazes and challenges and stuff. Usually they're life-threatening or somehow ungood. And I usually somehow manage to get out of it okay. But, that's different. It's not like I'm being judged or anything. Yeah, that's completely different. I don't think I really ever dream about food. Okay, there was the tunafish dream, but those are pretty rare. I don't dream about body parts (well, they're there, but not the focus). Does the ear dream count? I don't remember ever being bigger or smaller than everyone else. Losing things doesn't really sound familiar. Don't recall being late for stuff. Dude, I don't even have nightmares. They say that if you don't wake up in fear/anxiety, then it's not technically a nightmare. It's just a bad dream. And, dreams have narrators?? I don't care about filthy rich extravagance, success, failure, expectations, dieting. I evidently don't seem to care about competition. Heh, yet I read pretty much all 293 pages of it. Stupid me, needing to finish books that I start. Basically, now I think that dream analysis is pure astrology. Analysis is such bullshit. Dreams can mean anything under the sun. You could make up Anything and make it make sense. But, I do think that the way a person chooses to analyze something is worth something. I think that dream analysis isn't really about your dreams, but how you choose to interpret them. So, you could give someone a set of random images and tell them to analyze them, and the way they feel deep down inside will unconsciously come out in the analysis. The book I read was soooo stupid. They had a list of objects and their potential meanings, and each one had completely opposite meanings. Astrology.

1/13/03
When you think of people who are supposed to be admired for their character, you think of someone who only sees the good in people. I think that's bullshit. Are you supposed to completely deny that the other parts of them exist? How does that help anything? You can't just ignore everything that you don't like. That doesn't make it go away. But, even if you see everything, including the stuff you hate, you aren't really seeing the person. You're just seeing them completely rearranged through the values of your judgment. They're disconnected. Separated into all of your different categories of good, bad, annoying, evil, etc. That's exactly what I do. I don't see people correctly (although that's also a value judgment). I just see what's girly, what's annoying, or what's nerdy and cool. It's dumb. And it's pretty mean.

1/12/03
It's weird how your liking for someone spreads to other stuff. I mean, I Despise the color orange, but now I'm kind of partial to it. Weird.

1/8/03
When girls talk about love and romance, but N'Sync's version, do guys ever go for that? Does it disgust men as much as it disgusts me? Or, do they think it's cute and innocent and endearing? I mean, it's just stupid, naive, ideal, unrealistic, idiotic, (etc, etc) notions to me. For example, what's this crap? "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, While loving someone deeply gives you courage" or "Perfect love is not finding the perfect person to love. It is loving an imperfect person perfectly."

My away message: "moping around, hating myself, hating life. blaaaaah." Dude messages me. He asks, "how's your friend's car doing?" Is that appropriate at all? I don't fucking care about some stupid fucking car. I fucking feel like shit. Maybe I'm in a bad mood so much of the time that people just don't care and completely ignore it. Or, maybe I'm just being hateful. Or, maybe I'm just pissed off in general right now. God, I'm fucking going to bed. Maybe life will be something other than utterly unbearable after sleep has given me several hours of a break from the fucked up shitness of life.

1/7/03
I have to remember not to complain to Dude. I think it makes him unimaginably uncomfortable, plus I think he goes horrendously out of his way to avoid talking to me until he's sure I'm better. It's really weird. I'm not used to having to withhold myself with my friends. I think it's pretty dumb. I mean, how are you supposed to be close to anyone at all if you can't deal with them when they aren't completely cheerful all the time. And, how do you care for anyone if you just run away when life is sucking for them? I don't know. I think it's really weird. I don't know how you get along in life like that. It doesn't really make any sense to me. But, maybe that's just because of who I am. I think that most of the time, I'm attracted to misery. I think people are real and honest when they're miserable. When people are miserable, you get to know who they are deep inside; what makes them tick and what fucks them up inside. And, you just feel closer to someone when you keep them company when they're feeling like shit, when you're trying to make them feel better (not that that ever really works hugely well, but the trying is nice). Shrug.

1/5/03
Ok, December 21st, started driving at 2pm, stopped at 2am. December 22nd, started driving at 7am, stopped driving on December 23rd, 11am. Two days recovery time; late December 25th, normal status achieved. December 28, started driving at 8am, stopped driving on December 29th, 10pm. Two days recovery time; December 31st, normal status achieved. January 4th, started driving late 4pm, stopped at midnight. January 5th, started driving at 10am, stopped driving at midnight, car broke down, towed car 100 miles to Berkeley, stopped 2am.

12/26/02
I think I resolved my thing with Dude. I just didn't get a major thing that was going on. It's actually not that difficult to understand. I do it at work and such. See, I talk and have fun with my co-workers, but some of the things about them I completely disagree with. In fact, in some ways, I think they're really dumb. However, this does not prevent me from laughing and all around good times with them. But, I separate that from my real life. I ordinarily wouldn't give them the time of day. It's only under the forced contact conditions of work that I have adapted to get along with people I pretty much wouldn't really respect in real life. The situation with Dude is the same. He's just imposing my work-type situation into my real life. He's very friendly to me, but I don't think he really respects me. So, we can have fun and laugh, but he really doesn't think I'm a good person when it comes down to it. That's the part that really fucked me up. When I like someone, I kind of have to like all parts of them. Like, my friends are special to me. I put my friends in a completely different category than the rest of the world. So, it was a shock to find out that a "friend" of mine didn't like, Truly like me. Now I understand how things work and now I can get along with him. I guess that's a good thing.

12/6/02
When I go out with guy friends, they tell me that people look at me. Heh, and they completely ignore my friends. I've never really noticed that at all. It's weird. It's funny how there are things about yourself that you just can't know because you're stuck in your own body. I figure that if I ever glanced at someone looking at me, they'd avert their eyes, so that's probably why I don't notice. Shrug.

12/5/02
Ugh, all of my friends are all hurting themselves. It's so hurtful to watch. Maybe it's just because I've been pretty stressed lately. But, this was Really adding on to the stress. It's been making me feel sick inside. This is another reason why you shouldn't have friends. Everyone dies eventually, and it's painful seeing it happen.

11/27/02, 5:25am
Another one of those lovely dreams...But, this time it started off as a dream, then most of it happened while I was half-conscious. So, the dream part. I was online, and for some reason, I wanted to search for "loose," "moose," and "caboose." I have no idea why I would ever care about those three particular words, so I'm not going to explain. But, when the search results came up, I found a Dude's website. It was his journal. That he had never told me about. It was really long and detailed. I couldn't believe that he never mentioned it to me. I felt kind of shut out. Then, I looked in the parent directory (yeah, I'm a nerd, but, how else are you supposed to say it?) and found this really well-designed, heavy-content homepage. It looked like he spent a whole lot of his life on this page. A life that I wasn't part of at all. A life that I didn't even know about. Then, the dream moved into me talking to him. While we were talking, he changed position, which forced me to change position. Now, somewhere at this point...well, I was lying on my side, and since I sleep on a wooden slab, it was in a really painful position for my hip. I think this starting waking me up a little from my dream because I was just half-asleep in this part of the dream. Okay. Back to the dream. So, I started to complain to him about being in this new position, and then it started getting Really bad, and I was, well, quite distraught. He just sat there and stared at me and wouldn't move just even ever so slightly so that I could move off of my hip. The horrible part of this dream is that, since I was half-conscious, and knew I was dreaming, I started thinking about what would happen in real life in this situation, and I really felt that he Just Wouldn't Care. I mean, I don't feel like he really cares all that much about me (yeah, I know this is Stupid Christina talking, but she's so convincing...). And, now that I think about it, I really do feel that I don't really have a place in his life anymore. Sigh.

11/26/02
I think that I do a lot of things that I don't really think about. Mostly, depressing things that screw me over. I do it out of habit, more than anything else (maybe). Then, after the fact, I come up with this long-winded and logically-sound rationalization for it. I tell myself that I did it because it was the optimal solution or something, not just out of habit. I should stop doing that. Bad habits are dumb.

Oh yeah, so...implications. If everything I'm doing makes no sense until afterward when I come up with Incredibly good reasons, then I'm not really doing anything that makes sense. I'm doing stuff out of habit because a very long time ago, when my life was just as fucked up as it has permanently made me now, this stuff did make a whole lot of sense. So, I don't really have to be doing the fucked up things that I do. I think waay too much, but I don't seem to be thinking about what I do, just how to explain what I have done after I've gone and done it. So, in short...Just Stop.

11/25/02
I obviously completely do not know at all how to deal with people I do this weird, unnatural thing called caring about. It takes so long for me to get to the point where I can care and trust someone, maybe I just don't have enough real experience with it. In any case, I appear to be completely incapable of dealing with it. Love just hurts and hurts and hurts and hurts. Endlessly. Me and Dude were talking about what on earth could there possibly be that makes people not kill themselves, to keep on going day after day in this miserable existence, and the only thing that makes sense to me is people. Friendship. Unfortunately, I have no idea how friendship works. At least past the point where I let go of some of my defense mechanisms. This poses a slight problem...I constantly feel like I want to die. I guess everyone has their petty little problems.

K, this is how I feel. I didn't really want to put it in my journal because it's stupid (really really stupid) and pathetic, and it doesn't even really make sense unless you're super-depressed like me. But, yeah. This is how I feel. I feel like there's this person who has been the most reliable, dependable person I could ever think possible. It would be impossible for anyone to be as great as him (at least in that respect). And, I'm realizing that I really can't depend on him. This makes me feel like there is no one in this world that I'll ever really be able to trust. (Ack, fuck. I'm tearing up. At work. I hate that. Stupid me.) So, now I feel like I'm sort of losing faith in humanity; that I should Really give up on the whole lot of humans. Or, at least give up on ever letting myself care about anyone at all which just ends up hurting. So, then I feel like there's no point in being alive if you're going to cut yourself off from everyone. So, now I just want to die.

Dying...the thought of it is so comforting. I'm not quite sure why. Planning my death makes me stop crying (or, at least it did last night). It makes me happy in some weird, entirely demented way. I've figured out a really good way to die that solves a lot of my problems with it (mainly, friends feeling guilty that they let me kill myself). Maybe I should look into it more. It's good to keep your options open. Well, okay. For those masochistic people who are actually interested in the fucked-upness that is me, I probably won't look into this or carry anything stupid out. There. That's my disclaimer. Now, none of you can feel bad or unhappy.

11/24/02
Phil told me recently (well, at the very least in the past two months or so) that I'm needy. It's really true, it goes all back to the whole insecure-advoidant attachment thing. I really really really hate it when I really need someone and they're really not there. In fact, that really long depression that I went through, I'm pretty sure was directly related to that exact thing. That was Really bad and very unfun. Hmm, either I should get over my neediness or find more reliable people. Or, maybe I should die so I don't have to think about it. So many options...

11/22/02
Wow, this is really weird. For a really long time (I have no sense of time, so if someone Made me guess, I'd say a couple weeks), I haven't been home at all. It seems like I've been more extroverted lately. Like, what's up with that. I mean, I've been actually leaving my house before 7:50am and not getting home until some time after 10:00pm. Such a high (and rare) level of functionality. And, not only that, but I've been having really intense sex dreams. Like, with really phenomenal sex going on. It's not very usual of my at all to have them, but they've been almost daily for also around two weeks. I wonder if the two are related...

11/16/02
Let's talk psych experiments. Subjects were tested for their style of attachment. When primed with words that were threatening, subjects were able to identify the names of attachment figure far faster than the names of acquaintances or strangers regardless of their attachment style. However, when primed with words that related to separation, only those with an avoidant attachment style actually had slower identification rates for the names of attachment figures. This is so so so so so very true for me. Separation makes me annihilate the existence of the people I care about. This is why I don't miss people. This is why I felt Nothing for my grandmother when she died. This is why I feel nothing for people I love when they're far away and why things are just phenomenal when I see them. This is why my goodbyes are emotionless. It all just makes so much sense. People are inherently unreliable. The only time you know for sure that can rely on them is when they're right there in front of your face, and you are currently relying on them.

People suck. It hurts too much for me to care about anyone. Life is useless. God, why can't I die.

11/15/02
Yesterday, I drank 2.5L of water and .4L of milk, and peed endlessly.

11/14/02
Some people claim that free will is an illusion. The process of deliberation over several options is just an evolutionary exercise. I think that one of the things that this exercise does is to motivate people and solidify their intent to perform a certain action. Depression seems to do the opposite. Deliberation nullifies action.

I talk about depression a lot...yeah, it gets old.

11/13/02
What I lack is cognitive economy. Too much of my life is conscious. I really really shouldn't be thinking about stuff, like eating for example. That's the type of stuff that you should just do automatically. It's a waste of brainpower to be thinking of that. Plus, it causes me to eat junk. I deliberate too much. Advice: just do it, dammit.

11/12/02
I think too much about the stupid little things in life that you're not supposed to think about. Like, whether or not to wake up in the morning. My first thought every morning, is whether it is worth it to do what I have to do that day, or, whether it's more efficient to skip the first order of business and just do what's absolutely necessary. It's stupid. For shit like that I need to be more in "animal realm" as my Buddhist psych prof would say. I tried doing that this morning, but it was really hard. It's really hard not to think of that stuff because it makes so much sense. I mean, if you really think about life, there really is no point in doing anything. It's really hard to get away from that. But, it seemed to work this morning. I was out of the house by 7:40am (and that is seriously a miracle). Well, I'll attempt to continue this and see if it works/can be maintained.

11/11/02
What the fuck is up with people who sit there and talk to you like nothing is wrong whatsoever. I don't work like that. I mean, how does that work at all? Like, when they do that, it feels like it cuts me off from saying anything I want to say and I just sit there brewing resentment more and more and more until I just can't talk to them anymore. Yeah, I know, I'm being unreasonable. But, either they know exactly how I feel and what seems to be happening and the talk just isn't happening, or I'm just really sick of always always always initiating any sort of conversation through painful extraction. I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with it. I'm being unnecessarily difficult. I know that that's so stupid of me, but...SIGH

K, I didn't really want to write this down, but oh well. So, another dream... There was this horrible disfigured middle-aged man. Like, half of his body was all gross and fleshy, sort of like serious third-degree burns on it's 2nd hour of healing. And there was this woman (oh, and to note, not sure if this is relevant at all, but they both were noticeable ugly) that I guess he was going out with. And, she was complaining about him. Really hurtful things she was saying. So, after awhile, he was just like, "I did it for you, you know. All of this. Do you know how much easier it would have been to lie there and die??" So, then the dream went into what I guess are flashbacks of what he was talking about. I was seeing these scenes where he had crashed his bike really badly, and there was this moment where he could have decided to lie there on the side of the road in the middle of some sort of forest-like place and just die, but he thought of her, loved her, and forced himself to call the hospital. Well, when I woke up, I didn't really think much about the dream. Just, "oh, that's weird." But, then I thought, "Wow, I've had that thought. I've always wondered what I would do if I got in a really bad accident. It would be Really tempting to just sit there and let myself die." So, am I that Dude? I could also be that chick. Sometimes my dreams seem to be about the optimism that I refuse to admit in real life.

Dude says that the type of animals that you dream about say stuff about you. Since then, I've been keeping track of animals in my dreams. So far, it's been an alligator, and today, I dreamt about a little crab and a starfish. It was sort of cartoony. I think I was the crab. I forget the particulars, but I think the crab might have been asking the starfish a question, and it was jumping over the starfish. The starfish was pretending to be nice and answered some stuff, but what it really wanted to do was eat the crab. It had scary, cartoony feelers in the middle where its stomach is supposed to be that were trying to grab for the crab, but the crab tried to use its feet (which are Really bad for swimming) to push itself up more so that it wouldn't land in the starfish's stomach. Hmm, now that I think about it. This is another dream where I'm avoiding death. Maybe my dreams are trying to tell me not to die. How mean of my unconscious. Trying to make things hard for me.

When I feel sad, my body has a really really strong impulse to go to sleep. Stupid depression. It's a conditioned instinct now. At least I forced myself up after three hours. This involved setting and resetting my alarm multiple times. Heh, put a time limit on my depression. That's actually really healthy and proactive and all that shit (well, considering...). Good for me. By the way, did I mention that oversleeping/napping/sleeping while you're depressed gives you really weird, sometimes bad, and very vivid dreams?

11/10/02
I wonder what irrevocable damage I'm doing to my body by having meals consisting of cereal, goldfish, cookies, and other junk. Well, maybe it's just a college thing. At least I'm not as bad as Dude who eats nothing but canned soup or Dude who just has instant noodles. Oh yeah, maybe I should go grocery shopping...Potatoes! I have a stack of potatoes! Mashing, here I go.

11/9/02
For some reason, I have the strongest urge to shave off all of my hair. I mean, I've always half-heartedly wanted to try it out. After all, hair must be shampooed and pulled back and can otherwise be troublesome. However, I've always felt this vain need to have medium to long hair. I've never cut it more than a few inches below my ears. But, tonight for some reason, I just didn't care at all. I think it would be perfectly fine to slough it all off. I was so fine with it that I actually started considering doing it for real. And, no. Heh. I mean, in reality, I'd be afraid of being turned down in interviews for looking too rebellious or whatever. As far as the practicality of living in a prejudiced, stigmatization-happy society, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do it. But, I think it's good that I've gotten over my vanity over it. Superficiality-->boo.

11/7/02
I feel so much better when I'm being honest. Even if it does make me out to be the worst human being alive. I mean, what good does it do anyone just to be lied to all of their lives. Coddled and protected from the big, bad, world. I completely don't get that at all. I mean, what's the big deal if someone doesn't love everything about you? Maybe I'm being really hypocritical. Just because I (for the most part) don't give a shit about what the rest of the world thinks of me as long as I feel "right" about myself (heh, k. so we know that christina is not depressed right now) doesn't mean that anyone else can feel that way. I have a really robust self-image. It's not very affected by what other people think of me (good or bad). (Well, it's way more complicated than that, but I don't feel like giving a side-lecture about how this self-image/self-esteem thing works for me). And, I think I've done a decent job about accepting (some) of my faults (that I know about). If you're always trying to hide from your faults, I guess it's pretty hard to hear shit about yourself from someone else. (i.e., "Oh god, you think that too?? I really am as bad as I thought I was.) K, I'm just a fucking bastard. That's all. (But, I'm okay with that, heh. I'm just me. Whatever).

K, I really Really don't get it. I've griped about this before to people, but I think this needs to be more written in stone. WHY DO PEOPLE MESSAGE YOU JUST TO NOT SAY ANYTHING?? I mean, at first I thought it was just a coincidence that it happened a lot, but IT's NOT. I don't know. It's frustrating, and Pretty annoying. Are people just insecure? Do they need me to tell them a big long story about everything that's going on in my life to open them up? Do people just need reassurance that I want to talk to them (heh, good luck). Or, do people just not want to talk? I mean, why the hell would they message me in the first place then? Well, I think I might know what it is. They message me in the hopes that I'll entertain them, and when I don't do a song and dance for them, they just move on to something slightly less entertaining. That makes so much sense. That must be it. I guess I'm just too picky. I expect everything to have a POINT. I get really annoyed when something happens that expends effort or attention and turns out to be MEANINGLESS. No wonder I'm a depressive prick.

Hmm, I haven't written anything in somewhat of a long time. I sort of feel like I've "let down my audience" or something. (Well, I mean, it does seem like people read this shit according to my cheap little counter at the bottom). It's weird. I guess it's something that just happens when you make your head-contents public. It feels weird, because this journal-thing is supposed to be for me, and fuck everyone else if they think I'm a pathetic, self-pitying loser, heh. Oh well, I guess you can't help these sort of things.

11/6/02
I think I have a time limit for small talk. It occurs sometime after 30-40 minutes. I start to get really tired. And then, maybe 10-20 minutes after that, I start to get a headache. I don't think I've ever been forced to continue it beyond that point, but I'm pretty sure that after that would come frustration and eventually, depression. Point. Must always have a point. How tiresome. How are you supposed to live life when you always need everything to mean something?

10/24/02
Well, I didn't think this was interesting enough to put in my journal thing, but I'm bored right now, so here. I had this dream that this alligator was out to get me. We were on the ocean and there were these really rickety old wooden bridges. I was trying to walk on them to get away from the alligator, watching him carefully to see if he went away so that I could make a swim for it. I had to make sure that everywhere I went I could climb up further just in case he tried to surge up onto the wood platform (if you could even call it that) to eat me. But, the whole time I was thinking, "Why don't I just let him eat me." The only reason I tried to get away from him was this stupid habit of life that we have, some weird instinct of survival that I sometimes Really don't understand. Well, I eventually found a sandy island thing that I was more or less safe in. I always say that I never get nightmares, but maybe that's not true. Maybe I do get classic nightmarish dreams, but I just have a null reaction to it. This dream didn't scare me at all. I didn't wake up in a cold sweat. In that sense, it wasn't a nightmare at all.

I think that if I sit at work too long, I start to get really really pissed off and irritable. (Well, maybe not "really really." But, it contributes).

10/22/02
Very occasionally, when I'm extra-bored, I'll sometimes look back at a few entries in this monster that looks like it might be taking on a life of its own. Some of the entries I have are pure crap and I can't believe I put such pathetic shit out for the world to see. Some of the stuff, though, rings so true and I can't believe I had the insight to write something like that. (for example...)

Dude, this thing is almost 50 pages now. Jeez. Well, that's not Too bad. I started it mid-July of last year. That's 15 months of my life. I'm interesting enough to have 50 pages describing 15 months of my life...

10/21/02
Wow, I really do hate happiness. I had a nice little vacation this weekend and it was pretty fun, but I think I'm trying to prevent myself from feeling too good about it. Even the words I'm choosing to use right now are purposefully understated. Happiness is a threat to the status quo. It's insecure and not to be trusted. Sigh. Stupid me.

10/16/02
I think that the worst thing that people can do to another person is to lie to themselves. For happy people who want to ignore all bad things, they overlook serious problems, pretending like they don't exist. Then things just get worse and worse, and the stupid happy people don't even know what hit them. For depressed people (me), they ignore how much people care about them which just ends up in a lot of hurt on both sides. I'm incredibly perceptive about all things bad, but I have so many defenses for believing/hoping in anything good. It would be nice to just see the world how it is. Things go horribly wrong when you lie to yourself. People shouldn't be afraid of negative things in the world; I shouldn't be afraid of positive things.

It's a fuck of a lot different learning about how the majority of head problems first rear their ugly heads in college and seeing people around you fall apart. So many people, too. I've been depressed for a really long time. In that sense, I've stayed pretty stable. My mental instability has remained consistent for a pretty long period. It's kind of sobering to see so many people go drastically from lovejoyhappiness to painhurtdepression.

10/9/02
I went to the gym yesterday. I'm amazed that I put that much effort into life. I even woke up at a responsible hour today. But, I was still running late and missed the bus. So, it's 8:15am now and I'm still sitting at home. I think I'll just wander in to work at 10 today. Sigh. I tried this time, I really did. Events just conspired against me, that's all. That's all. Isn't that how it always goes? ...Sad and disappointed right now.

10/8/02
Goddammit, I've entered into yet another fetish category. I'm asian, I'm a little girl, and now, I ride a mc. Bring all creepy guys on. Sigh.

10/7/02
I am completely lacking in any type of motivation whatsoever. I'm absolutely exhausted all the time. The "be healthy, you stupid idiot" part of my brain is telling me I should start exercising to work up energy. Finding it difficult to work up the energy to do that. Rut. Stuck in a big huge deep fucking rut.

The irony is that, deep-down, I'm really an idealist. I have this fucked up notion of the world. I think that people should be nice to each other. I think that no one should be spiteful and hateful. I think that we should all respect each other. I think we should all be honest with each other, even if it hurts, because you can only learn and grow from honesty. I think that people should connect with each other on meaningful levels instead of all of this superficial shit that we are forced to deal with. I think that everyone should be doing what they want to be doing and should feel passionate or at least strongly about it. Well, I guess what I'm saying is what Pirsig (Zen and the Art of MC Maint) summed up in one word. Quality. Everything in the world should have good Quality. If you have this ideal, and you compare it with the real world, it's just fucking depressing. I'm disgusted by so many things. It's really just fucking fucking depressing. Some people have told me that I'm an optimist (in an actual sincere, non-sarcastic way, amazingly enough). Maybe this is why.

But, what if the world was perfect. What if the world met my ideal. Would I be less depressed? God, yes. I don't know. Heh, is it all the world's fucking fault that I'm so goddamn unhappy ALL OF THE TIME?? Or is it all mine. Well, maybe the world doesn't have to be perfect. After all, I couldn't feel so vain and snobby and self-righteous and special if everyone was as great as me, now could I? :P. But, increasing the good, happy things in my life might help. K, I've identified the solution and will completely fall apart on the implementation of it. I do nothing but that. It's depressing. Sigh......

10/3/02
10:18pm: I don't think I belong on the streets at night, at least not around the 6th street area. People bother me. They think I'm a little girl who has no business out late at night. No wonder it's easy to be a stupid helpless, annoying girl. Everyone's out to help you. Constantly.

Hmm...now this is interesting. Maybe the reason I've been depressed lately is because my bike has been out of commission due to a flat tire. Pure coincidence?

10/2/02
Dude is really different from me. Every time something unhappy happens, he just shuts it out of his brain. He consciously turns off all bad thoughts. Whenever he does it, I always think it's really weird. It makes no sense to me (although it should because I do that too, just with happy thoughts). But, it's sort of rubbing off on me. I've been consciously trying to zap away bad thoughts. I was just doing that right now, and I mean, it Works. But, I think I'm just lying to myself. I have faith that the world is an awful, worthless place. And, when I have feelings or thoughts that contradict that, I think they are lies. When I try to tell myself that things aren't that bad, I think I'm fooling myself. This is such a problem. How am I supposed to stop being depressed if I see the world this way? Maybe I should go into the mountains or desert for weeks and "find myself" or shit like that. I don't know, I'm desperate. Not really. Even though I know it's really bad and unhealthy for me, I still have a huge stake in my depression. It may be a parasite, but it's my special little parasite. It's always there for me (sucking all life out of me, but shrug).

10/1/02
Switch not quite going as planned. Not really depressed anymore, but still sleeping slightly more than usual, and definitely not getting into swing of things. But, very proud to wake up on time this morning. Good sign.

9/26/02
Switch.

9/25/02
Why do I think that sleep solves all problems?

When you feel like crap just because someone didn't IM you back, you know you're in deep shit. This is going from feeling horrible from a cause, to everything that could possibly happen making me spiral even deeper. I know that I've got to stop it before it just becomes this hideous, uncontrollable monster, but I don't know what to do. How do I ever get like this? How does it happen. It's not normal, but it's not hugely uncommon, either. Stupid people tell me that I should just, "look on the brighter side of things" and "to not let it get you down," but that so does not apply. I could just tell them to "look on the darker side of things" and "to let it get them down." It's not that simple. People's brains just don't work that way.

9/24/02
Why is it so easy to feel like no one really cares about you?

Life was easier when I ignored all my friends, didn't give a shit about anyone, and just concentrated on my schoolwork. Maybe I should do that.

My argument for not having any friends:

1. You can't die. They're always complaining about you dying. Makes you feel shitty about yourself to commit suicide. I mean, you'd think that they'd be happy for you for finally doing something that could stop the pain and hardness. But, friends are fucking selfish. I am, too. I'm a big hypocrite. I'm afraid of my friends dying.
2. You don't have to worry about people you care about dying. They die; you're still alive. Life sucks even more than it already does. God, just make it end.
3. Friends means you have to open up your feelings and risk being hurt. If you never care, you never get hurt, period.
4. Friends create certain expectations and therefore disappointment. You have a good time, you expect that to go on, and hope for more good shit to happen. Nothing ever turns out like that. Expectation and hope only leads to disappointment.
5. You learn to depend on friends. Humans are inherently undependable. Again, this can only lead to disappointment.
6. Even if you have really nice and dependable friends, it starts to make you needy and pathetic until you're incapable of doing anything on your own. When they finally do fail you, which is absolutely inevitable, it's just that much harder.
7. All of this disappointment makes you wonder about what makes people so eager to abandon you. This makes you feel shitty about life in general on top of all that disappointment.
8. Your ability to see how stupid it is to have friends renders you incapable of truly caring about another person, which means that being a friend to another person is pure hypocrisy and can only lead to hurting them. They'll most likely care more about you than you could ever care about them. This is just plain wrong and cruel, and makes you feel incredibly guilty.
9. All humans are imperfect. No matter what you do, you will end up hurting other people. The more you hurt them, the more it becomes difficult to live with yourself.
10. All of your fears about hurting people leads you to push people away, making them care about you less so that it will not be possible for you to hurt them as much. Yet, the pushing away is what hurts them the most. Double-edged sword. Whatever you do, everyone gets hurt. Best not to get into that situation in the first place.
11. You're so needy, you don't want to be a burden to them. You get depressed All the time. Who has the time or inclination to save you from yourself constantly? No one should have to take any of that responsibility but yourself.
12. Everyone else is happy. You're always depressed. You just bring them down. Just makes for more guilt.

9/23/02
Hmm, I ended up being able to go back to sleep and finally dragged myself out of bed at 6:30am. I was amazed that I was able to sleep that long. Was in such a daze. Staring blankly at people when they asked me for stuff, hurt my hand trying to open a door because I couldn't quite get that pesky handle to work. Sigh. Then, when I got to work today, I slept through most of it. I was dead-tired. This can't be natural. Oh well.

See, the thing about life is that there's hope of death. If you kill yourself, you never know what's going to happen. "Death" might just be eternal consciousness. What if I'm a ghost forever, or in purgatory, hell, or heaven, or anything that involves me still existing. That would suck. At least as long as I don't know, as long as I'm still alive, I can tell myself how great death will be.

9/22/02
12:07pm: Okay, I've been trying to fight it all of this time, but I give in. So, just bring on all of the headaches and bodyaches from sleeping too much. The loss of weight, I'll take that, too. The puffy eyes, the wet gross-feeling pillow and blankets, I'll just have to deal with that too. I am officially shutting down. Goodnight.

9:20pm: Hmm, I wonder why I've been fighting it so much (well, not that much). It feels so good to be in bed, and so painful to be out of bed. I've been up for about an hour since midnight last night. I think what might have been better about it is that I just washed my blankets and sheets a couple days ago, and it was just really annoying to cry on them. So, I did my emotional-control thing and shut off all depressive thoughts. Heh, maybe I should do that in a more productive way. Shrug. This awake stuff sucks, I'm going to see if my head can take more lying down.

9/20/02
Small talk is so impossible when you're depressed.

9/19/02
God, I love my friends. It's so annoying. Not even that makes me happy. People sometimes tell me that if you don't have anything at all going for you in life, at least there are people. But, I have these STUPID FUCKING thoughts in my head that tell me that I don't deserve them, at least not Such Great friends, and everything's just back to meaninglessness again. I mean, I do do shitty things when I'm depressed. And, I have messed up ideas about love. And, it's really hard for me to tell people how I feel sometimes. And, and...Sigh. No wonder I fucking hate life. God, it's so annoying. My brain works too well. It's got this impenetrable circle of logic going for it, but no sense whatsoever what Feels right or makes it happy. It's reckless and self-destructive. How do I kill my stupid brain. Argh.

9/18/02
3:45am: I had a dream about my hamsters. I hadn't been home in a long time and they ran out of food. I've had a recurring dream about my hamsters. Not very often at all, though. But, they're usually in my Irvine garage. There are a ton of them. My hamsters mated and spawned other little hamsters. I usually go in there and just make sure that they have plenty of food. But, this time there were only two of them, and they looked like they hadn't had food for awhile, like they were just barely hanging in there. I think I fell asleep and forgot about them for awhile. Then I woke up, panicked, checked up on them to feed them, and found that my mom had cleaned the cage, replaced the pine litter with frilly, girly, fabric bead stuff, and changed a bunch of stuff around. But, she didn't really know how to take care of them, so I went and started to fix a bunch of things. Like, the toilet box. God, I'm so proud that I potty-trained my hamsters. I love that about hamsters. But, Anyways...the point is that I felt really bad about how horribly I was taking care of them. I felt guilty. That's one of the biggest parts of depression. Guilt and feelings of worthlessness. I've always wondered how I could not have those two and still be as depressed as I am, but I'm so dumb. It's all just repressed. Dude, I feel guilty about Everything. And, I may think I'm cool, but that's just because, for a chick, I am. But, when it comes down to it, like, coolness doesn't translate into loveableness. I don't think I'm worthy of love.

9/17/02
Okay. I can't believe this. I think one of the most horrible things a person can do to themselves is to go out with me. I think I really suck at love. Every time I go out with someone, I experience this unimaginable, repressed (as I found out recently) guilt. I mean, I always do stupid things to protect my worthless feelings, and to protect them from my stupid protectiveness which just ends up being hurtful in the end. I've done this with guys, I've definitely done this with my family. Maybe now I just expect it out of myself...hence, the guilt. No one deserves to be "loved" by me. It's just painful. And, I've been really hurt before...a lot. It's No fun. I had no idea how much I hated myself for doing that, since most of the time, I guess I'm protecting my feelings against my own hatred. Something like that. And, the worst part about it, is that the guy always turns out to be this amazing, incredible, perfect person. And, I just feel like he's wasting time with me. I don't deserve someone so great. They should be showering all of this love (which I can't even begin to understand how they do it so openly, unguardedly) on someone who won't trample all over it in her stupid, messed up ideas and habits about love. It just makes me feel so incredibly guilty that I'm wasting all of his time. I guess part of me also thinks that he's going to look back on it thinking that I was the worst mistake he ever made. God, I can't believe I think this way about myself. It Sucks. I don't even want to admit it. Well, I guess that's why I didn't realize it was so bad. I guess this is where a lot of my insecurity comes from. Sigh. Well, like people say, the first step is awareness, or some optimistic shit like that.

It's not just guys I go out with. I know such incredible people that are Way too nice to me. I don't know, I feel guilty about it. But, I suppose I should be thinking about it this way. "Christina, you are an amazing person, and amazing people like you. It's as simple as that." Heh, we'll just see if that thought actually does anything in my head.

9/15/02
A friend of a friend read this journal and told me that I sounded like a self-pitying, pathetic loser.

9/14/02
4:46am: Oh god, it happened again. But, at least this time, I was really depressed going to bed, so at least I have a cause. Except, this one was a lot worse...I'm over at my friend's house right now who's on vacation. I just felt like being alone last night. I got to take a bath yesterday, that was good. I had to resist a strong urge not to drown myself, that was bad. I also felt like jumping off from the top floor. The only thing I could think of to stop me was that it would suck for him to come back from vacation to find my dead body floating in his bathroom or such. I hate that about having friends. It makes it so hard to kill yourself. I've thought about suicide before, like everybody does, but it felt different this time. This time, there didn't seem all that much stopping me. This time, I was Actually considering it. Well, after the bath, I was too depressed to put on any clothes, so I just crawled into bed naked. I just wanted to close my eyes and put an end to this day. After awhile, I fell asleep. I dreamt that this friend came home. There was a delay or something and he was going tomorrow. He crawled into bed with me. But, I think I put on a shirt in the dream. I was too tired to say anything or put clothes on, so I figured he wouldn't notice under the blanket that I wasn't wearing any pants. But, he started, like, touching me. At first I was too tired and depressed to care enough to refuse, but when he started to pull down the blanket, I got vocal. I told him to stop, but he wouldn't. And then he saw. No pants, no undies, nothing. So, I started to get really angry at him. Yelled, "Why didn't you stop!" Stuff like that. So, then I'm out to the rest of the house and my two aunts are there (Santa Ana and Pleasanton). The pleasanton aunt tells me that I was yelling too much last night, waking everybody up. She says I'm "naughty" in Vietnamese and that I'm no good. I can't believe what I'm hearing and whisper to myself, fighting back tears, "fuck off..." She hears it and tells me to fuck off, too. Then, I see my other aunt. She also says I'm "naughty" in Vietnamese and tells me I'm no good. They've just heard me screaming, "No! Stop!! Don't do that!" And, all they can tell me is that I'm a worthless human being. They knew what was happening, and I was supposed to be naughty. I started sobbing in the dream. I told my aunt, "how do you think it makes me feel when you say that..." and stuff. But, it wasn't coming out right at all because I was crying too hard. I think I had been crying for real for a while before I woke up, because I don't remember being startled up, Then tears starting to flow. I woke up and it felt like I'd been crying for a minute or so already. That's new. Then, I was crying for another 20 minutes or so. Kind of loudly. This is bad. This is really bad. Something's wrong. There's gotta be something seriously wrong. What the fuck is it.

6:18am: Why do they love him more than me? I'm I really that awful of a person?? A child molester deserves more love than me. Why?? I know I'm not the greatest person in this world, but I'm not even as good as a child molester? God, is this what I've been comparing myself to all this time? I mean, I do have some egocentric attitudes about myself, but love has always been a separate thing. I mean, I do think I'm pretty cool, but that never translated in my head to people loving me. I don't think I've ever really felt like I deserved it; or, was capable of it; or, good enough for someone to actually feel that way about me; or, something. I mean, my family can't even love me. They try really hard, but I'm really frustrating. In a lot of ways. I guess it's really no contest. At least child molesters usually follow the rules. What they do in private is their business. I'm all wrong because I put it in public, because I don't follow the rules. I hate rules. But, god, it's more than that. Why, WHY do they love him more than me??

Is this it? Is this the big thing that I haven't dealt with? I mean, ever since it happened, I always knew it was completely all his fault. He was just a pervert. It had nothing to do with me. I was having a pretty hard time in life before it happened, and having something so much worst occur actually just snapped me out of it. Everything in my life that went on before seemed almost trivial in comparison (almost). I adjusted perfectly, without a hitch. It was like nothing ever happened, except that my eyes opened a little wider and things made sense more. Everyone always thinks I should be more disturbed by it, but I always say, "Nope, not at all." So, is this the big, hidden thing that they were all talking about? I mean, it doesn't even have anything to do with what he did, per say, just how everyone else around him who was supposed to love me reacted to it. But, I guess that's what kills you. It's not that someone did it, but that everyone around you tells you that it was your fault and that he deserves your respect and love and why would what he did change that. I'm really glad I was there to tell me the opposite. What would I have done if not for me.

9/11/02
Decisions... You never really think about it. I mean, you just make decisions. But, there are systematic ways of doing it. You can make a whole bunch of variables, quantify, then, make a function that relates all of these values, and calculate which option maximizes your function. But, I've been thinking about that and it gives me this horrible, uneasy feeling. It seems like something really essential is being stripped away from making decisions in that way. It's this whole Western thing of separating everything into little, meaningless components, then analyzing it all until nothing is anything, and you've missed the whole Point. I'm amazed that I thought this, because I'm so into dissecting everything and being logical and not paying any attention to stupid things like feelings. Wonder why this is different...

I don't know I don't know I don't know. I never know anything. And, I know that I can never know anything. So, why is it Such a Burning question?? Why do I Need to know? Even when I've decided it's useless and there's no way of ever knowing, it still sneaks into my head and always begs an answer. Why does there have to be an answer? Why can't I do anything without thinking about if there's a point to it, a point to anything, first? My stupid, stupid head.

Sigh, I don't get it. I LOVE where I'm living. I LOVE the house. I LOVE my "landlord." I LOVE my roommate. I'm well-off. I have a great education. I just like myself. I mean, jeez, I think I'm the greatest person in the world (most of the time). Just try to find a cooler girl than me. It's hard (if not impossible, :D). So, what's wrong? Why do I hate life? I've got to be the luckiest person in the world. Everything Always works out for me. And, I hate it. I hate it all. Everything's pointless. Life sucks.

9/9/02
Hmm, how odd. I had another one of those crying dreams last night. This is really weird; I hope this isn't a trend, because I've Never had one of these before, and all of a sudden, within two months, I've already had two. And, the weird thing is that this one also involved my family, in fact, the person that made me cry was the same guy, Uncle Viet. Me, Justin, Steph, and Uncle Viet all sat down to eat tuna sandwiches. I was Starving because I hadn't eaten all day. I was in serious pain from hunger. But, there were only three sandwiches. One single, a double, and a triple bread sandwich. They all took one, and were like, "too bad" when it came to me. None of them was nearly as hungry as I was, but no one cared. I thought it was so incredibly unfair. I mean, all I wanted was at least one third of Steph's triple deck sandwich. But, no one even considered that. Their unfairness, heartlessness, and my Extreme hunger made me just break down and cry. That's when I woke up. I think I might have woken up my roommate with my 2-3 sobs. But, he probably didn't really notice and just went back to sleep. Sigh.

I was in a rush today and didn't eat breakfast and forgot to bring lunch. Didn't have any cash, so I just starved. Thank god my boss bought us some goldfish. He's so incredibly nice. My job is cool.

I was thinking about my dream for a couple minutes today. Combined with the horrible time I had with my family recently, a horrible thought popped into my head that will probably be with me forever, now. I sort of realized that if it was ever a choice between me and grandpap, they'd choose him hands down. No contest. Made me feel like I have no value as a person in my family. I know it's so true. It's sad. For me. Thoughts like that are so stupid.

Today's been a horrible day.

Forced myself to cook something today. Maybe my dream was telling me something.

9/5/02
I've been feeling like crap lately, but I feel better now.

Slightly.

8/24/02
2:41am: I was thinking about the whole logic thing (see yesterday). I think it's really good. I sort of am questioning everything that I try to tell myself. So, without my stupid logical arguments that don't really see anything at all, I'm forced to look at how I really feel. Not that I'm saying I'm doing anything with that feeling. Just, I'm starting to realize it's there, to actually think that it's important (somewhat), and maybe even listening to it a little.

It's funny how there's only one emotion in this world that really makes me feel alive. My logic was telling me (notice the separation here of feeling and logic. This is an important step for me) that this emotion was strongly tied to death, and that it would make sense for it to make me feel alive because what else makes you value a shitty life than the fear of losing it. But, now I'm thinking that maybe it's just an old familiar feeling. Well, it's probably a little of this, a little of that.

I don't think I really like the night anymore. Like, the rest of my life, the night has been my life. It's so weird that right now, I just think it's bored and lonely.

Now that I've stopped that whole logic bullshit, I sound a lot different than the past few days. I think that's really good. I think this works better (hmm, that sounds like logic). K, maybe this just feels more right. (I don't know how much I believe that). How about this. This just has a quality about it that something tells me may be better in some way. K, sounds a little better. But, I know. This is it. It's just going to remain this fuzzy, UNEXPLAINED feeling, and let's just leave it at that. There.

5:01am: I've heard a lot that desire is the enemy of Buddhist ideals. When I first heard that, I thought that that was crazy. I've always equated desire with passion. Without desire, all you have is boredom. But, I think I get it now. I mean, as soon as it was explained to me, I knew what they were getting at. They say that desire makes you Nuts. You're so afraid of getting something or losing something, that you can't just enjoy it; desire kills true passion. And, now I get that (somewhat). Yeah...desire is just this horrible aching for something that you think that you don't have and are so afraid of losing that it prevents you from actually having it, or from enjoying it when you do have it. The desire is the only thing preventing you from having or enjoying what you desire. And, when you finally realize that there's no hope of you ever getting it, the desire makes you feel pain. Dude, desire sucks.

5:12am: I can't decide what to do right now. I don't really feel like being alone, but my friend won't wake up to my incessant phone calls. (Btw, that's really weird because I had a dream right before I started calling my friend incessantly that I was calling someone incessantly and really really wanted them to pick up. The only difference is, I think the person in my dream ended up picking up. Stupid friend.) I could call other people, but I feel less willing to bother them this early. And, for certain friends, I don't want to be too needy (and misleading) with them. It's always been really hard for me to wake people up. Even when my friends tell me how angry they'll get if I'm in need of them but refuse to call just because it's late. Well, it's not like I'm really in need. I just want company. Yeah, maybe I'll just head off to bed and not bother anyone. I'll try to get some sleep and call them at a more decent time in the morning. Yeah, and after you've called people and they don't pick up, that's sort of a bit of a discouragement, too. So, I've tried, and no one cares. That's a good way of putting it. It's all their fault and not mine. Hmm, that makes me feel even more alone. Aw, fuck it all.

8/23/02
I can be so good at bullshitting. When I do this, I think how easy it is to make anything into the "truth." So, what the hell is truth anyways? You're convinced all your life that it's this absolute. That there is only one truth and the rest are just lies. But, that's also bullshit. So, does this mean that truth doesn't exist? But, just because something is always changing, does it mean that it doesn't exist? I'm confused, and am too anxious to get back to my reading to bullshit my way into an answer, to a "truth."

Hmm, I'm so falling into that trap that I thought I was getting out of. By even questioning if truth exists because it's not absolute, because it changes, I'm giving substance to the idea that things need to be absolute to exist. Which is the whole reason that we're convinced all our lives that truth is absolute. What we are really being convinced of is that absoluteness is required for existence. There has to be at least one unchanging quality, something absolute for things to exist.

God, I'm babbling so much.

8/22/02
I have this incredibly amazing gift of making people give up on me. No matter how strongly they feel about me. Not that it's too hard. I take effort. Effort takes a lot of willpower and motivation. Both of those can be worn down. Depression gives me the strength to do that. As long as I don't spend too much time non-depressed. I need to get depressed more often.

8/21/02
To avoid depression, it's absolutely vital that you find a cause and benefit. Without a cause, depression just spirals out of control with no focus except to deepen. The cause can be anything, as long as it's impermanent. It can be a million tiny little things that happened one day. For instance, yesterday, I was waiting for the bus and it never came. So, instead of waiting 5 minutes, I had to wait for the next one 45 minutes later. And, I Hate Waiting (it's a really long story). I woke up this morning and I saw in my arm where I had dug my fingers into my skin to distract myself from all the waiting. That's no good. And there were a million tiny, stupid little things that happened yesterday like that. Completely meaningless, probably happens everyday. But, the important thing is that I tied it to my depression, and I know that today, all of those things will not happen exactly how it did yesterday. I mean, that's something. Second, must find a benefit. You have to tell yourself that you got depressed for a reason. It wasn't because you can never escape from the specter of depression, it's because you're body was telling you something. When you think of depression like this, it involves control, not helpless, hopeless misery. It implies action. Action is the antithesis of depression. I figured out a benefit, but...I don't really feel like getting into it right now.

Whenever I read a book, especially when I'm reading 100 pages a day, I start getting into that author's language and style. That paragraph up there read sort of like Zen and the Art of MC Maint.

Dude and I were talking awhile back about depression and stuff, and I was explaining how I felt about things, and he told me, "dude, happiness and misery isn't a zero-sum game" (or something like that). Like, that's really true. I completely think of life as zero-sum. No matter what you do, how many "improvements" people make, there will always be the same amount of happiness and misery in the world.

Hmm...so, thinking makes my depression incredibly intense, but I also really love it. It gives me a lot of...what most people call "joy" or something. So, maybe that's just another zero-sum deal. Instead of focusing on the depression part, I should just think about the balance. That way, I can think and have ideas without feeling guilty that I'm contributing to my own depression.

I try not to have values. Or, value judgments. Things are not better or worse, but sometimes just incompatible. It helps to establish my independence (k, this is sort of a separate, though semi-related thought that I don't feel like pursuing right now, but sort of feel like it's important to say). When things are incompatible, when you're not getting along perfectly with something, you just leave it at that. There's nothing to do because neither one of you is wrong. Just, incompatible. On the other hand, I have very specific ideas about what I think is self-improvement. But, that's also really just an issue of compatibility. They improve me because it's compatible with what I think about myself, the world, and what not, and I strive to make myself into something more compatible with who I am (or want to be).

Hmm, as you can tell, Zen and MC Maint is really logical. Or, at least I'm reading that part with all the definitions and arguments.

Oh yeah, one of the reasons I came up with as a benefit (see first paragraph) was because I haven't been getting enough sleep lately and the depression slowed me down and allowed me to get some rest.

My logic doesn't seek truth, it seeks depression. Hmm, that's the worst kind of logic. It's not even logic, it's pure emotion and faith trying to create an airtight, irrefutable argument.

I feel completely devoid of all emotion right now. I think this might be what depression is like for me. I become nothing but a machine of logic. Rationality destroys any joy I might get out of life.

8/20/02
Oh my god. This book is so amazing, it pulls together so much for me. I want to read it to someone I love and talk about what everything means to me. Like storytime. Except, this would be a story about who I am (in a really indirect way, but how else can you understand something as complicated as a human being except by complicated, indirect routes). I'm really glad that I started reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I know that I'm going to read this book again sometime later on. I usually never feel the need to do that with anything (books, movies, blah and blah). I think I might even like this better than Kafka.

You'd think that if you shut your body down and shut your mind down, you'd become nothing. You could just fizzle out of existence. I wish it worked that way. Maybe I just don't have the mental and physical discipline to truly do that. Maybe it is possible, just really Hard. But, to want something and to try so hard to do something implies purpose. Purpose implies life. So, I guess that wouldn't work either.

K, this book is making me think. This, as has been clearly shown in the past, is VERY UNHEALTHY for christina. Plus I've got extra time on my hands for a week or so. Boredom has increased. None of these are good signs at all. If I didn't have to get my ass to work tomorrow, I think that I'd try this shutting down and dying thing. As much as I dread the thought of having to get up in the morning and function, I suppose it's a "good" thing. I think I'll feel better in the morning. Sleep usually does wonders for a shitty mood. (Well, responsibility must follow the sleep, or the sleep goes on endlessly until I'm so depressed I can't see straight). Sigh...

8/16/02
God, what would I have done if Dude hadn't called me. I think that I really hate myself. I hate what I've become. The whole way I decided to deal with my mom really messed me up. I was trying to stop that intense pain and betrayal that I felt all the time, but in the meantime, I became a cold, heartless bitch. Now, I have these huge defenses against anything that could be called love and caring. I tell myself that I'm shielding myself from pain, but that's such bullshit. It's made me hate myself, and sucked out any sort of happiness that's possible in this shithole we call life. I mean, I talk about how great I am all the time, and I think I really do like (certain parts of) myself, but there's this other huge part of me that just thinks I'm completely worthless and that it would just be better for humanity if I never talked to anyone at all. It really sucks. Because, either I love people and feel guilty for having them care about me and therefore are capable of being hurt by me, which makes me want to just disappear so I never have to deal with causing somebody I love pain. Or, I protect everyone from myself and then, life just isn't worth living and I want to dissolve into the nothingness that I am. I was talking to some guy last night and he made me feel like the worst, most evil person in the world. I mean, it's not like it wasn't justified. I'm pretty evil. I think I can be a really horrible person. I mean, I feel nothing for my mom, and it hurts her like hell. And, even though I feel really awful about it, I can't bring myself to feel anything for her anymore. I think I really lack a fundamental human quality. I mean, how could anyone be as indifferent as I am towards her own mother. How could any human being treat their mother like a complete stranger. I was coldly polite to her, like she barely existed. Yeah, I really hate myself. And, it goes really really deep inside. I don't always feel this way about myself, but when it comes out, it really explodes. Especially when someone is enthusiastically agreeing with the awfulness that is you. Thank god Dude called me right then. He made me stop talking to that other guy and actually sort of got me feeling okay about myself again. That was amazing. I don't know what I would have done without him. I think it's really bad for my health to go to bed crying really hard and thinking about all the ways that I'm the most horrible person in the world. God, I want to die. Why can't I just die. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I don't want to have to try so hard all the time to make sure that no one likes me too much. Nothing is fun. It's all just struggle. What the hell is life for.

8/14/02
Wow, I think this summer might have changed me. I'm so amazed that I got through it without breaking down or even sliding on my responsibilities (well, ok, I did a little, but whatever). I think I upped my threshold level of stress, learned how to handle it better. I've always thought that I was pretty good under stress, but I think I just shut down sometimes, so I don't have to deal with it. (Well, there's also the life-threat stress that I rarely get because I don't care if I die, but that's different). I think it's possible that I'll be able to make it through the rest of this year. Maybe.

8/9/02
Wow, this is so weird. I'm actually able to take the time to enjoy like every moment. I'm not rushing through everything so I'll be able to get what I need to do (or procrastinating what I need to do). I like this much better. But, maybe it's the busyness that makes everything else better once it's done (at least for now).

8/8/02
God, I'm so glad that's all done and over with. I can finally rest for a day or two. It's so weird. When I'm super-busy, friend-attention totally stresses me out. But, today, when I signed on AIM and was getting tons of messages, it was actually nice. It's Such a different feeling. It's really odd. Like, this whole summer I just couldn't deal with people, who I saw as time-suckers. But all today, I've like been talking with a bunch of my friends again, people I've So neglected lately. Just random conversations. I don't know, I just felt more in touch with people, I guess; like, instead of going, "uh huh, uh huh, uh huh...you done yet?" Heh, that's so bad. I'm glad that people still like me at least. Well, whatever. I'm sounding stupid.

Wow, today was such an eye opener. I so can't go on like this. This is Definitely not the way I want to live my life. But, I think I might be able to hold out until the end of the year. At least it'll be a lesson in what sacrifices I'm Not willing to make. I think that's important to know, since it is possible that I'll get too wrapt up in this whole "take-care-of-your-life-now-so-you-never-have-to-worry-about-money-ever-again" thing. Hopefully, now I'll know how far to go (or not to go) so I don't make myself completely miserable and friendless. That's always nice.

I feel really good right now. I'm not sure if it's because a huge load of stress has just poofed away, or because I've gotten a few priorities straight. There's also both, or neither. But, yeah. This is nice.

8/2/02
Must. Fight. Urge. To. Shut. Down.

7/29/02
I've really been neglecting my journal-thing lately. I've been neglecting a lot of stuff lately. Kind of sad, but oh well. I'm busy.

7/28/02
Whoa, how fucking weird. I had this song stuck in my head alll day, and usually that pisses me off, but I actually kind of liked it today. It got stuck after I heard it on my huuge playlist. Now, I'm playing it over and over again. I Never do that. Even with my favorite songs. Fucking weird. By the way, it's Joni Mitchell's "Help Me." It's really sad, but not horribly depressive. I don't even like the music that much. That slight 70's backbeat is a bit much for me. But I really like the chorus line.

K, you know what. I know why I'm into this song. It's all of my insecurities and all of my defenses. It's funny that it took me some time (and a bunch more repeats) to figure this out. I guess I sort of didn't want to say it out loud to myself. So, first of all,

Are you going to let me go there by myself
I always feel like that. It's such a stupid feeling. Such a stupid feeling, but I always get it. I'm always afraid of going there by myself. I always feel like I'm being fooled and I'm going to end up getting really hurt. This is where my bullshitting skills really really suck. I come up with millions of really great reasons why I could be so unloved.

7/20/02
Girls are fucking shitholes, and guys just deal with it. It's an amazing talent and it takes years and years to develop and fine-tune. Just to be able to ignore all the fucked up things that girls do and are. I've never learned that skill. So, when I talk about girls with guys, I start to break down this ability to tune out stupid girl shit. They hate me for it. Though, men have a surprisingly resilient heterosexuality, which is good because all my attempts to turn guys gay would probably backfire on me eventually.

7/1/02
I'm not a very good pessimist. I truly believe in the idea of redemption. I think I sort of identify with that raging psychotic criminal who just needs someone to believe in him. That's why I liked In Search of Respect so much, and why I'm so into Hannibal Lector. I just think that if someone like that, who's lost so much hope in love and in people could find some of that hope back, than maybe I can too. I hate when people condemn them. Just because you sadistically tortured and killed another human being doesn't mean that you are evil incarnate. Your actions are just a little misplaced, that's all. I mean, it's really rare that someone will look into how a person gets like that. And, it's not that fun seeing it. It hurts a lot, and it's not even your pain. There's a lot of pain in the world. Sometimes I wish I were scared of it, like most people. Sometimes I wish that I didn't seek it out.

7/7/02, 5:50am
Oh my god. I had this dream. I was at some sort of family party. My extended family was there so I didn't really know everyone. We were sitting in the kitchen and someone was finishing up this chicken that looked kind of uncooked and gross. My mom and some other old woman said to him, "you're still not done?" and then they said, "Tina, do you want some?" I couldn't believe they said that. I couldn't believe they offered me something so disgusting. Suddenly, I felt like no one in the room would ever understand me or care about me. I got up, and without even looking back, I emptily said in sort of a mean way, "No, I think I've lost my appetite...." Then I went back to my aunt's room to be alone. My uncle and a kid were sitting on the old pink couch in my grandma's old house, and I felt like they were looking at me, so I closed both doors. But then there was a Huge crack in the door where they were still staring, so I closed the mirror/closet/weird-type door. That made Uncle Viet really mad and he got up and opened both doors and slammed the closet door to the wall. So, I left it like that for a minute, but I felt really uncomfortable with him angry and staring at me, so I closed the first door, saw that it has a lock and locked it, then closed the other doors. This got him really mad, so he took the nails out of the first door and removed it, then opened the others. Then he said, "Is this better?" All of a sudden, I just felt so awful and I covered my face with one hand and started crying and crying and crying. I tried really hard to at least keep my face looking calm under my covered hand, but it wasn't working phenomenonally. Then, I woke up crying really hard. I'm not sure if it was because I was crying so hard in my dream that it woke me up, and before my body could realize that it was just a dream, my tears became real, or, if my body just had an autonomic response to the pain that I was feeling from the dream. But in any case, I'm really really disturbed that I woke up crying. I've done that twice in my life, like probably in the last two years. Is this normal?

The thing is, I feel okay. I've been hanging out with people, having fun. I'm talking to them normally, acting normally. Just yer average normal, happy-go-lucky joe (well, as much as Christina is able to do that). Then out of the blue, something like this happens. I mean, it's true that there is an undercurrent of depression in everything that I do, but it doesn't usually explode in such an in-your-face way. I'm so disturbed.

Actually, I know what it is. I went to bed last night thinking about Dude, and I was totally getting pissed off. I'm friends with one of his best friends who had this one female friend who was completely evil. She completely took advantage of him and all of that shit. He's a really nice guy and tends to have people like that around him. So, Dude thinks that just because I'm female, I'm also an evil bitch. God, it makes me SO FUCKING ANGRY. I so don't deserve to be treated like that. He's the biggest fucking asshole in the world. And, most of the time he's really nice to me, so I let my guard down a little. Such a mistake. He treats me like I'm a thief, like I'm less than human. No one has ever, ever treated me like that except maybe my family who is just "looking out for my best interest." It's part of the whole karma cycle where people are nice to you when you're honest and do what's right or whatever. And, I'm getting the ripple-effect of evil-Girl's karma when I never even did shit like that. Yeah, it totally makes me feel like shit. It must be awful to be known as a criminal, or to be a minority or something in this country. People just treat you like you're nothing without knowing anything at all about you. It doesn't matter everything that you've done in your life, they're just assholes and hate you anyways. God, he makes me so mad. And, it's really really hard for me to get angry (at least angry, for real). My mom used to get angry at me a lot, and I just thought it was such a stupid, useless emotion. It just did a world of hurt, and never accomplished anything (or, at least the way that she got angry). And, ever since then, I can't get angry. I just cry. When I get angry, I'm not used to all that tension and unpleasantness you feel, and it just makes me feel awful. So, I cry it out. Or, something like that. Last night, I was getting fuckingly pissed off, but I decided to just empty out my head so that I could get to sleep. So, I guess the crying had to happen in my dreams. At least I know why I woke up crying this morning. That's a slight relief (better than thinking I'm just eternally depressed and completely hopeless). I'm so never talking to that guy again. Depressed enough as it is, don't need help.

Fuck, now I'm thinking about it, and I'm getting even more pissed off. I need to do something about this, it feels really unpleasant. At least I know how to deal with depression. I'm so unused to anger. I need to go rant to someone.

God, I'm glad that I'm cute and adorable and teeny and innocent and that most people instantly trust me (even though they've trained me to get used to that so I wouldn't be able to deal with people instantly assuming the worst). I don't think that I could live if people treated me suspiciously without even getting to know me at all. I'd have a breakdown. And, it's really sad, because I know at least one person who gets that all the time, and I know that a lot of my guy friends rant about how nice people are to me and how unnice they normally are to them. I'm such a wimp and I'm too sensitive.

God, Jim is so great. I love that he's like, "stop talking, I'm reading your journal, so get the fuck off of my back so I can concentrate." It's funny. See, I'm used to people being so incredible and being amazed at their niceness (in this case, super-nice in a very particular Jim-way). Maybe my friends are just too cool and I forget that the rest of the world isn't as great. But, at least I feel a lot better right now.

About to go to bed, SO close to having another break down. Calling Dude a million times, but I guess his stupid stupid cell phone is out of service again. Thank GOD, other Dude was there. Slow start, heh, but he eventually got me turned around. He can be pretty great.

7/4/02
What's the difference between being perpetually and hopelessly unhappy and being depressed?

7/3/02
I think that I have a lower excitation level than most people. Maybe that's why I don't like happy, effusive people. Their enthusiasm sort of puts me off. They're all happy and giddy and having the best time, and I'm just staring at them, hoping they'll calm down a bit. I mean, it's not like I never get that way, it just takes a lot of work to get me there (or someone I like a lot and trust. maybe.). Happy people are weird.

6/29/02
Oh my god, if you go on google and do a search for "why rich people suck," my page is the third (and last) entry. I got a Texan messaging me today. At least he wasn't weird and scary, though he does come for the land of Bush. Oh well, the fact that he's into Noam Chomsky makes up for that. Weird...

6/28/02
I really like my responsibility hat. When I put it on it forces me to be responsible, but it also means that I can take it off at will. So, I'm not a total nerd all of the time. (No, I do not carry around a hat with me, it's all symbolic. Jeez.)

6/25/02
Psychology: different ways of understanding yourself/others
Anthropology: different ways of understanding culture/history/the world
Business: material vanity/logistics of living in this world

6/24/02
It's really weird living in the penthouse. I thought that it would be really cool, and it was when I had a roommate, but now it just feels weird. First of all, it feels like I'm invading Dude's space, but it's more than that. I mean, I really love my shithole (the closet that I'm living in). I feel too "adult" when I have to get on the freeway to go to work (even if it's just 10 minutes), and when I'm living in an actually decent place. I don't like it.

6/21/02
I think I figured something out. See, what my problem is is that I think that everything is just momentary, and that depression is always there. I mean, people get sad all the time and that doesn't mean that they're depressed. Sometimes you just feel down. What if depression is just a mood, and not a permanent disability. So, then it's okay, even normal, to get depressed. But, it's not always going to be that way. What a revelation, heh. (yeah, I know, Duh).

6/19/02
My prof was talking about depression today. It was really weird. I mean, I've been pretty happy lately. Nice and productive, not sleeping all hours and doing nothing (which is bad). I haven't really had any bad thoughts lately, but when we were talking about depression, I started to think about stuff, and I was tearing up in class. I mean, where the fuck did that come from? Is it this overused circuit in my brain that is so used to being fired that any little thing will trigger it? It's such a total change in mood, and it's really hard to fight. And, the weird thing is that it feels nice and comfortable and familiar, and it makes me want to crawl into bed. It's like that feeling where you've had a really busy, tough day and it's finally time to go to sleep. On the one hand, life sucks and I hate everything and I'm crying. On the other, I'm home.

Oo, I just had a learned helplessness thought. I mean, I've been so good lately. I've had tons of stuff to preoccupy me. I get out, don't stay at home and wallow in my depressiveness which can be such kicks. But, I still get depressed. No matter what I do, I'll always be depressed. Now there's a classic learned helplessness thought. I mean, I've been feeling slightly sad for just a few minutes today. Everyone gets like that sometimes, right? So, I have no reason to feel that way, to make that leap of judgment. BUT I DO. Just kill me now. Too...hard...

6/16/02
Oh my god, my life is now complete. Vince just installed a new showerhead to replace that old piece of shit. Life is now perfect.

6/13/02
I think I'm a cross between insecure-avoidant, and insecure-resistant. These are attachment styles that a baby develops depending on how her parents love her. Avoidant kids have moms that aren't really lovey. They're very proper and upright, even with their own kids. There's no real show of feeling or caring. These kids end up forsaking their parents, trying to prove to themselves and everyone else that they don't really need them. They try really really hard to pretend they're having fun and that they don't need Mom to reassure them that everything is safe and cool. Resistant kids have parents that neglect or abuse their kids, and then feel so guilty about it, they overcompensate. So, the kid has no idea whether she's gonna get normal mom, lovey mom, or mom from hell. These kids end up feeling like no matter what they do, their actions have no effect whatsoever. This is called learned helplessness. This is what makes people kill themselves. These kids are also the ones that crumble at the slightest crisis. My mom was so the "resistant" mom, but she has the hugest difficulty letting people know that she has feelings and that she cares. So, I've got the resistant mom but without all the loveyness. She does shower gifts on me when she feels guilty, but never was able to tell me that she really loves me or any crap like that. Joy.

6/12/02
I think I'm one of those commitment-shy people who run as soon as things are looking long-term. It's totally a pattern. I mean, I pretty much feel like I don't want to find "someone" right now. I don't want things long term. You go through the biggest changes of your life in your twenties, so how are you supposed to know if they guy is really where it's at. So, maybe that's the reason. Maybe it's just a phase. I wonder if it's normal. Because as soon as someone starts to really care about me, I get super-scared and get really paranoid that I'm going to hurt this guy when we eventually break-up. I get way too paranoid about that. I should just trample on hearts left and right and not care. Because as soon as someone starts to care, I immediately put this huuuuge distance between us so that we don't have an opportunity to really like each other. I've never allowed myself to get to the point where I'm completely vulnerable and just...out there. I don't know, maybe I just need the right person, or the right time in my life. But, still, it worries me slightly. Shrug.

6/6/02
I have a plan. I keep on thinking about how real estate appreciates. In other words, it's going to be way fuckingly more expensive the longer I wait to buy a place up in Berkeley. So, the Europe trip is being postponed. I'm going to work my ass off for awhile and start paying off the mortgage to a house I'm going to get. And, Then, I'm going to Europe. Well just see how this all works out.
Everything annoys me. It's uncontrollable. If I forget something and have to go back for it, I get annoyed. If I have to take a detour home to return a textbook, I get annoyed. Everything annoys me. That's why I'm really fast. I like to do things as quickly as possible and get it over with (sometimes. unless I'm so annoyed that I don't want to do it at all and I just procrastinate until I'm screwed). I've been actually conscious of it lately, and I think I'm starting to stop the annoyance instead of letting it go wild. But, this is probably a big reason why I get so depressed sometimes, and why I hate life. I wonder if I have to have annoyance in my life or if I can sort of stomp it down. New project: get rid of annoyance.

5/17/02
I have decided to become a new person. I will: be responsible, I will do what needs to be done, I will eliminate the phrase "I don't wanna do this" from my vocabulary, I will either do something or I will not, fuck, I'll even exercise. Hmm, what else can I throw in...well, basically, I'll stop being me. This will start before the end of the month and continue at least until the end of this year. Now, let's just see how long this lasts...

5/15/02
So, I finally found a place to live, and it's a piece of shit hovel. BUT, it's only 380/month. It's in the worst neighborhood in the world. Yesterday, I was there for about 5 minutes, and there were already old dirty men hitting on me. There are a lot of babies there, and it's sort of a "minority" neighborhood. But, it's right by lawn bowling...so everything's okay.

5/7/02
I can be so self-absorbed and vain, and it makes me really self-conscious about myself sometimes. But, not in the way others think of me. Most of the time I completely don't give a shit about that. But, I'm really self-conscious about what I think about myself. Could you possibly get more self-absorbed than that?

4/25/02?
Obsessions are weird things. You feel like you can't stop, you need it. You need to see it through. Like, right now, I can't stop reading this book. What will I do when it's over? It's a major distraction from, I don't know, life. So, I need it, but the faster I go through it, the sooner I won't have it anymore. I knew something who read voraciously, but couldn't finish the last page of a book for years because she told herself she'd kill herself when she was done. That's sort of the way I feel except taken to a Really unhealthy extreme. One day, this book is going to end, and so will the one thing that can shut out all of those stupid depressive thoughts in my head right now. Then, I'll have to get back to the mess that is my life, and what could be more depressing than that.

4/20/02?
Depression radically changes the chemistry of your brain, actual physical and permanent changes. So, depression is like an ever-worsening cycle. So, does this mean that it'll just get worse and worse? I mean, it's not all that great right now, and this is just the start? That totally sucks. I've never experienced a true, textbook breakdown before, though. So that's good. Maybe my brain chemistry isn't completely fucked up. I think it's because I'm so used to being in shit. Life sucks, but that feeling isn't a comedown from the great pleasure that I experience everyday. It's Life. It's My life. Breakdowns are caused by anxiety. I'm not afraid and anxious that my life will get worse and be in this awful place where nothing has any meaning and I get no joy out of life. My life just simply has no meaning. So...is that a good thing or a bad thing? I've never had a breakdown before, but a breakdown implies that there's a better place that you've been that you're afraid of losing. I've never been in a better place.

4/16/02
I need to find something about me that isn't depression... I can't think of anything.

4/15/02
My thoughts are so thoroughly depressing. I do so many things, think so many things that make me depressed. I do it to myself. And, I can't help it. I need it actually. It comforts me. Depression is comforting. When everything in my life has failed me, depression has always always been there for me. I depend on it. It has been the only stable thing in my life. It's really hard to give that up. If I give that up, what will be left of me. Depression is who I AM. Through and through. I AM depression. But, what the fuck am I supposed to do when what makes up who I am is what is killing me. I need to kill the depression, or it'll kill me, but without it, I'm nothing, I'm dead. So where does that leave me? Depression infects everything, sucking out all joy. This is no way to live. It's the antithesis of living. It fucking sucks.

4/12/02
Someone just told me that, maybe instead of tinting everything with depressiveness, maybe I should just see things as they are.

4/10/02
Wow, happiness makes me really tense. I'm like scared of it. There's pressure to maintain it, and I don't even believe in it. I think of happiness as a prank that some sadistic person or thing plays on you, but you fall for each time because you want so desperately to be true. It's a self-made delusion. When things return to the pain of normal life, I'm instantly comforted. Instantly. It calms my nerves, and I feel like all is right with the world again. Then, I think, "fuck, this sucks." Stupid no-win situation. But, if there was a way to win, I wouldn't trust it. Winning is stressful. There's nothing left to do but lose, perpetually. God, that sucks. Fuck.

Whoa, Jim messaged me today. I usually hate mentioning names, but it's Jim. I totally love that guy. He inspires this outpouring of ego-boosting words from my lips. I'm not sure why. I mean, I'm not too hugely into compliments as most people know. We haven't talked in ages, but I still feel all lovey. I mean, I don't have a stupid crush on him or anything. I just like the guy. Yes, that's Jim.

4/9/02
I need to turn things around. Right now, happiness and pleasure reminds me how horrible depression is. Really, the pain should make me appreciate how good the rest of this shit we call life is. Blah

4/8/02
Maybe I should amend my fascination and need for depression. Everything that I'm learning right now tells me that it's self-perpetuating. It supposedly changes the chemistry of your brain and the more episodes of depression you have, the worse and more easily they come. I don't really try to prevent them. They're comforting. I just let them come, like an old, familiar friend. Maybe I should disown this friend. It would be giving up a big part of my life. Depression is completely a part of my personality now. Well, there's no way that I'll be able to give it up at this point, but I don't have to hang out with it as much.

I'm really glad that I picked up this Noonday Demon book. My depression isn't nearly as bad as some of the stuff that I'm reading. I'm not as completely fucked up as I'd like to believe. Yay.

3/24/02
Starting in high school, I actively tried to get people not to care at all about me. My whole theory was that if I ever wanted to die, I wouldn't want people to give a shit. I wouldn't want to hurt anyone. I wanted to have a guilt-free death. I've gotten over it for the most part, but I think I still do it. I can feel pretty guilty about people caring about me. It means responsibility. It means you can hurt them. I mean, I'm so protective of my own feelings; I know how much it sucks when you love and trust someone who shits on you. I totally wouldn't want to do that to someone else. That's why I'm really good at distancing myself from people. But, that distancing hurts them at least as much as anything else would. I wonder if I'll ever be able to stop trying so hard to control my emotions. I came up with this analogy a long time ago. Anorexics usually have had horrible shit done to them. They feel out of control, helpless, and fucking shitty, so they do all sorts of shit to their body just so they feel that there's something in their life that they have complete control over. That's what I do with my emotions. Well, I used to do it a lot more. It's really impressive. I can kill my love in a snap. I used to practice all the time, and not just with love. Like, when I'd be walking home alone at odd hours of the night, I'd try to calm down my fear. Was really good at that, too. Thank god for my human emotion class. It helps me realize that maybe emotions are good for something.

Dude, I'm so messed up. Actually, a lot of people are messed up. Sometimes it makes me really sad. I mean, what the fuck is going on when so many kids grow up to be so fucked. I would hate myself forever if I did anything like this to my kids.

3/23/02
I like philosophies, theories, ideals even...that have no application to the real world. Where the fuck does it get me?

3/22/02
I think I'll start adopting this karma thing. I mean, it totally makes sense. Like, Dude downstairs, all of that fucking anger and pounding. It totally angers people. Someday he's gonna get fucked and no one will care. Yeah, that's really mean. I totally hate feeling that way, but GOD, he annoys. Hell, my mom fucked me over, and now she barely has a daughter. I mean, it's not like I don't want to love her. I just can't anymore. And, all the shit I put my mom through keeps me as fucked up as she made me in the first place, so I'll never have love either. Damn, I gotta break this karmic chain. I mean, if I get completely fucked, that's one thing, but it's affecting other people and that's just not right. God, why is it so hard. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. It'd be so easy. Just to say I don't deserve love and leave it at that. Do no harm and have no harm done to you. In fact, someone just kill me now and all will be right with the world.

3/21/02
I'm in a crappy mood right now. I have a headache. Usually, I'd find some reason why I should be depressed right now, but my last few psych lectures have been talking about how we get this crappy feeling (or whatever feeling) and our brain goes wild with explanations of that feeling. Our explanations are, to a certain extent, arbitrary. So, I have this tendency to attribute any resemblance of a bad feeling to how much everything sucks and how life isn't worth living. But, maybe that'll change. At least it has for now. I just figure my body isn't so happy right now, and that's all. It's just physical; nothing is wrong with the world. I'll get over it.

K, I lied. I feel like shit.

3/19/02
I was on the bus today, and saw my old anthro prof reading intently an article in the DailyCal about rim shots. That was so great, how he folded the paper all neat so that he could read it better. Hilarious. And, for a second, I thought that moments like these are what make life so great. I don't think I've ever really had a thought like that before. It's probably because, for a few minutes today, it was sunny and actually warm. Like, it was comfortable being out with just a long-sleeve shirt. Why don't I live in the warmth?

3/16/02
I love hydrogen peroxide. I love how it bubbles on your open wounds.

3/14/02
I think it's a bad idea for me to try to be happy. It feels so out of balance and wrong. It was really weird. I was feeling pretty high, and then I started to come down, and I actually got this comforting feeling. Misery is familiar and safe. That's fucking messed up. I think happiness feels really unnatural and creates this tension and fear of losing it. God, I totally don't understand.

3/13/02
Interesting. I was giving Dude advice awhile ago about getting chicks, and was explaining it in terms of biology, specifically increasing levels of dopamine. But, it seems like oxytocin is where it's at. You get that when you breast feed, get touched and massaged, and some other things that I forget. It induces lovey feelings and monogamy. Love as a chemical...cool.

I love how psych confirms my random theories. I wrote somewhere down here about how depression colors your whole world. Well, that's technically called "mood congruence" where you're more likely to remember things and recall past memories that match your current mood.

I went out to lunch today and got a free soda. The interesting thing is that my guy friend was ordering, got his order messed up, and nothing happened. Then I said something and the cashier realized I was ordering with my friend, and all of a sudden, cashier-guy says, "By the way, here's a free soda because I messed up your order." My friend claims that nothing like that ever happens to him and that it was all because of me. Every time stuff like this happens, all my guy friends tell me it's because I'm a chick. It's so hard to believe, though. Like, can people really be that much nicer to girls than guys? Everyone tells me yes, but I just can't or don't want to believe it. I used to be so amazed at how nice people can be, but it doesn't really mean anything if they're only nice because I'm a cute little girl. I don't know what to think.

God, the best way to do something is to have it pop in your head, then instantly just finish it off. That way you don't have time to think about how much you don't want to do it, and it's all done before you even realize it.

3/12/02
There was an article in the DailyCal about threesomes. Like, I totally don't understand why you would require that the third person be way uglier than you. If I was fucking an additional girl, I'd totally want her to be way hot.

Dude told me that he read my whole journal, like, in one sitting. My friend was like, "so, is he frightened by how well he knows you now?" I'm kind of ambivalent about that part of my journal. I mean, I write because I think it's helpful or interesting or something. But, I sometimes worry that it's just too much. I rely on the fact that there's so much text who the hell would want to plow through it all, but Dude completely contradicts that belief. So, I don't know. People tell me it's okay, though. Well, like I say every time I have that thought...screw it all, I like this thing and that's that.

3/11/02
Whoa, there have been studies done where pleasant feelings are associated with higher left brain activity, negative feelings with higher right brain activity, and when the same measurements were done on Buddhist monks, this one in particular got a reading 6 standard deviations above normal left brain activity. That's fucking awesome. But, I still don't think that that's feasible right now in my life. I don't think I'm ready to be happy just yet. Give me my misery for at least another couple of years (but probably way more than that).

3/10/02
Dude was telling me that this journal thing would give my biographer or shrink such kicks to read if I ever have one down the line. I so agree. Like, when I was doing my highschool page, I totally thought that it would be perfect for an anthropologist or something to look at as a snippet of highschool life.

3/9/02
I was just watching Waking Life today and they were talking about moments. Like, how we just ignore them most of the time. It made me start thinking about that. Just feeling each and every moment as it happens. I mean, its really cool, and I love being taken out of just plowing through everyday life not thinking, but can you really sustain that? Can you really feel every moment of your life just as it is for the rest of your life? I mean, that's what Buddhism is all about, but I don't really think that's at all feasible at this point in my life. So, I wonder if all of this stuff is just bullshit, just intellectual masturbation. But, maybe it doesn't have to be all of the time. Maybe you just need to be waken out of everyday drudgery once awhile. They also talked a lot about human connectedness and how we lose touch with that a lot. It's so easy not to care, not to appreciate people. To just automatically go through the motions of interacting with them, but not really paying attention. It's kind of sad, but if you never think about it, is it sad? I don't know. Usually philosophical bullshit never gets you anywhere. Why the fuck is it so damn interesting? Why does it feel so important to answer? Stupid human brain.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want. It's impossible to have "holy moments" when you're going somewhere that you don't want to be. So, why am I going there? Do I want to be there? Even if it is where I want to be, it doesn't work unless you know you want to be there and are ready to go. What am I doing with my life? Fuck this.

I'm so into freedom. I absolutely cannot stand not being able to do something. I mean, if it's my choice, it's okay. If it's like, I have to go to work to make money, I can deal with that, because it's my choice whether I want to slave for my money or not. But, when people order me around I cannot stand that. Like, when my mom orders me to do something, I will simply not do it. I would rather be disowned and never receive another penny from her, get tossed out in the street, and starve to death before I obey. Ordering me to do something is a sure-fire guarantee that I'll do the opposite. (By the way, reverse psychology doesn't work either - believe me, it's been tried - because I'm a smart gal, I usually know when you're trying to manipulate me). This is also why I don't like promises.

3/8/02
Here's my new theory. I think I was a guy, who, like every guy does, wished one day that he was a girl so that he could stare at and touch him/herself, but somehow got stuck that way. See, this explains so much stuff. It explains why I'm so into my body. I love, like, the softness of my skin and the smell of my hair and how my body looks, and I like dressing it up in little lacy things and such. It's not because I'm extraordinarily vain (well, k, I am), but it's also because I used to be a guy, and I'm just appreciating access to femaleness. It also explains why I'm not into stupid girl stuff. I'm still working out the kinks of this theory, but I think it's working, (maybe).

3/5/02
Guys are so fucking nice. I've never met a guy whose niceness I didn't marvel at. But, I'm kind of ambivalent about it. Their extreme niceness is also what makes them fucking stupid and walked all over by girls. Which also has the by-product of allowing girls to be stupid fucking bitches and get away with it. So, yeah, ambivalence.

3/1/02
I pride myself for being able to explain just about anything, but sometimes (a lot of the time) it sort of takes the magic out of life.

Stupid people getting me addicted to the stupidest "game" in the world. This is way worse than my popcap games, and those are pretty retarded, too. I can't believe I wasted hours of my life doing this, almost ruining myself forever with carpal tunnel:

2/28/02
I get really annoyed when Guy goes off on how great it is to be a WASP and all the advantages that he welcomes because of it. It reminds of what my Soc3 prof said about how people need to stop taking advantage of institutional racism if we're ever going to stop it. Plus, it's like, cheating. But, after this conversation with Dude, I guess I so do it too. People offer me help all the time and free stuff, etc, and I totally take it. I mean, who wouldn't? Hell, I do it even when I don't want to. It's rude to refuse a gift from someone no matter how much you don't want it, even if it's a stranger. People are adamant about doing stuff for me. Is that the same thing? Am I taking advantage of my sex in the same way Dude takes advantage of his whiteness? Blah.

2/26/02
I so identify with guys and reject girls. Whenever I see some chick doing something really retarded and girly, I consciously make sure that I don't do shit like that. Doors, for example. Girls are such bitches when it comes to opening doors for people. Like, this girl who squeezed herself through the door to avoid opening it for this old couple, or Girl who had a huge space to move aside when we opened the door from opposite ends at the same time, but instead, she made me step aside in my tiny hallway to make room for her. So, now I'm more conscious about opening doors for people. I'd totally rather be the guy and just be nice about it.

2/24/02
I was watching Family Ties for some reason. I think that that show fulfills some slightly unconscious desire for a normal family life. I still so like those cheesy 80s shows (Growing Pains, The Wonder Years, etc.). Whatever.

2/23/02
Sometimes I hate talking to people when I'm depressed. I don't want to ruin their happiness and bring them down to my abyss of depression. That's why Dude is so great. He's always bitter and depressed...how I'm supposed to be. I should just give in. All of this posturing, trying to be happy when it's so fucking impossible. What the hell am I trying to prove? Just...give...in.

2/19/02
I get so turned off seeing any guy that looks remotely like dude downstairs. He's ruined me for white guys with glasses, dark brown hair, and facial hair.

Psychologist Nathaniel Branden, in The Psychology of Romantic Love said "It has become something of a cliche to observe that if we do not love ourselves, we cannot love anyone else. This is true enough, but it is only part of the picture. If we do not love ourselves, it is almost impossible to accept love. No matter what our partner does to show that he or she cares, we do not experience the devotion as convincing because we do not feel loveable to ourselves." I'm really good at rejecting love. I wonder if that's why. Do I not love myself? That's crazy talk. I'll think about this later. Don't feel like it right now.

Hmm. Yeah, that was stupid of me. Of course I love myself. I've just been shitted on by people who are supposed to love you unconditionally, and thought that that's how things are supposed to be. Nevermind. But, I'm slightly worried that I questioned myself for a second. Maybe it's good that I'm always questioning. Questioning and affirming. Then, I'll know what still applies and what doesn't.

2/10/02
Whoa. Dude said something to me that actually got into my head. That's amazing. He told me that if something feels really nice right now, then why the fuck ruin it. And, I actually started to think that way. That's like the first argument I've ever put against my sabotaging thoughts. So now, I think less about my happiness and how temporary it all is, and I just feel it (well, more so). Amazing.

2/9/02
I had a dream about working on my bike. Such a happy dream.

1/23/02
I never really was into the new years resolution thing. A new year means nothing to me. But, new semesters are totally different things. It's so a new beginning. I guess that's what people feel like during new years. Makes you reflect on your life, what you're doing with it, what plans you have for this year and the rest of your life and such. Reflection should be outlawed. It so depresses me. What the hell am I doing with myself, anyway? School is so not doing anything for me. Not, intellectually, emotionally, or even college-credit-wise. Maybe I should take the semester off. But, what am I going to do otherwise? Work and work and work, never seeing the sun? Feeling like crap right now. I have no idea where I'm going, what I'm doing. Usually, I'm okay with that. I figure everything will work out somehow. I still believe that. But, ...I can't wait until school is over, so I don't have to think about this stuff. Time will blur from one year to the next. It'll all just be one never-ending moment.

I totally feel like it would be a really bad idea for anyone to fall in love with me right now. I've been all about the noncommital, fun relationship where we're just together cuz it feels right, not because we need each other or what not. I'm so afraid of people needing me. I try to protect their feelings. But, maybe I'm just protecting my own. Again, I'm totally pushing people away. Like, what is that anyway? Making sure that you don't get too close to people because you think that you'll just hurt them. That's stupid. I'm doing this to everyone, too. I think something way deep inside me, partially unconscious, thinks that I don't deserve love or some shit like that. Is this normal at all? Making an effort to keep people at a distance? I mean, I still very much do not want someone getting hurt because I can't open my heart enough for them. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Cuz, that really really sucks. I'm all confused, and I think WAY too much about this ALL of the time.

1/22/02
I was bored at work again, and had this panic attack about wasting my life away. I was thinking about all of this stuff I wanted to do. I want a pet guy to come along and do all my shit with me. Someone I can talk to about the books we're reading, someone who will push me harder to learn and practice new obsessions and stuff.

1/11/02
Oh my god, I had no idea how much I care about my friend. I was reading some stuff that he wrote, and he going on about how he wondered if anyone would care if he disappeared. I'd care so much. I even got all teary just thinking that he felt that way. I had no idea I was capable of getting this emotional about something that was not a childhood trauma. Cool

1/6/02
I was telling Dude about how horrible I felt about myself, and he told me that stuff like that always happens when emotions are involved. That these situations are always really tough on everyone. It made me feel a tiny bit better about what a fucker I am.

I've been telling people more lately how much I like them and stuff. But, not because I'm afraid that they'll never know or anything. I don't get panicky feelings about it that make me want to tell them. I just want them to know, so they know that they're really cool and that someone as cool as me really likes them. I like it. And, it's really weird since I never ever compliment people.

1/5/02
I get lovey feelings now, and I don't try to fight it. I was spending hours tickling my buddy and that was so fun. He's so incredibly ticklish, I'm in heaven :P. I was getting warm, fuzzy feelings, and actually did not try to suppress them. Woo.

1/1/02
Oh my god, I had the worst dream ever. Dude was going down on me and was like, "ew, gross, that's why no one ever goes down on you." So, we stopped that and went for a ride. He told me I was driving too slow, so I got mad and started driving off the road, in the wrong lane, and almost hitting everything. I'm trying to control the wheel, but I can barely steer. Then, I park the bike (it's not a car anymore, its my motorcycle). I rush off and leave Dude behind. After awhile, I go back to see what happened to him. I find the bike, but all the controls are missing. I try to start it, but I can't. I find Dude, and he tells me he crashed it. I get really mad and ask him what happened. He says he was following after me, then it toppled over. Then he tells me he doesn't care. He leaves, but before he closes the door, he says, "don't think you'll win this time. Don't even try." I can't believe what he just said. I can't believe he won't do anything about the bike that he crashed. It's totally not like him. He's the nicest guy in the world, and how he can't stand me. I start sobbing uncontrollably. We're at this school, this big concrete building, sorta like IHS but bigger. I don't know what to do. I'm still crying. I fly out, circling the building. People are doing this musical out in the lawn. I fly to tell Flor of all people what happened, but she's at the food stand and the lady in charge gets mad. So I say, "sorry to bother you" and fly out again. I go to our apartment. Dude is there. I go to get other Dude's phone number so I can talk to him. I'm still crying. I take my backpack and Dude puts his hand on my shoes before I can put them on and asks where I'm going. He looks concerned and sorry, but I can't deal. I want to forgive him, to make up, but I'm really hurt. Then, I wake up. I'm breathing really hard and tears start coming down my face. That's the first time I've woken up crying. God, that was the worst dream ever. I was everything I don't want to be, everything that I'm afraid that I am.

When I fly in my dreams, it's not this great, soaring feeling. It takes work. I think that when I'm flying, I'm usually trying to run away from something, from people, from people who love me. I think that's why it takes so much work to fly. It's a struggle to make sure that I don't start caring too much about people, so I won't get hurt.

12/31/01
I think I actively block love feelings. When I start to feel something for someone, I block it out. Try to distance myself. Remnants from my mom.

I have these tendencies to do disappearing acts. To leave without a trace. I do it when I think people might be getting annoyed with me. I don't do it out of spite, but out of fear or something. I guess sort of because I want to stop bothering them. I was sleeping over at a friend's house and I sort of got the impression that I was imposing, like maybe I was getting his parents annoyed. So, I left early in the morning. Snuck out. At first, I didn't want to call him and tell him I got home alright or whatever, but then I was like, "I'm an idiot, and that's pretty rude/mean/whatever."

12/30/01
I get these impulses to tell people how much I love them. It usually comes with a small, tiny little jerk of panic. I think those impulses are just fear, not true caring or shit. I'm just afraid, of losing people or something. Maybe it's that I know I'm a total asshole and I'm afraid they'll find that out so I tell them nice things like, I love you. Okay, maybe not that extreme. I mean, I would never ever say anything like that unless I really meant it. I don't know.

12/29/01
I actually try to have fun now. I used to not do that. Like, if I was with a bunch of people, and they weren't entertaining me enough, I would go sulk in a corner, fall behind, and get lost. I've lightened up a bit, try to make the most out of things.

12/28/01
You know, it's a lot easier thinking about other people. Focusing on their problems so you don't have to think for yourself. It sort of clears your head of all the muck that you make for yourself. You get so concerned about your well-being, worried about you. "Caring" about other people and their problems lets you forget about that.

12/27/01
I've opened myself to getting hurt which is a huge step for me, but like true love and selflessness is a totally different thing.

I've never felt this horrible before. I feel sick to my stomach. I can't stand myself. And, I kind of like it. I mean, I seem to be..."improving." At least it shows I'm human. I did something incredibly crappy to another human being, that I love. I should feel like shit.

12/26/01
I use annoyance. It's a tool. It helps me get over people. Like, when I'm going out with a guy, and I start to realize that things aren't working as well as they used to, I get annoyed. Really, really, really annoyed. After awhile, I can barely talk to them. But, it happens gradually. It actually works pretty well. They stop feeling any sort of affection and caring from me. At first it really bothers them, but after awhile, they start to lose their love. It crumbles away and they're not even sure what happened. So, the relationship ends without me having to address any issues we have. It's such an avoidance strategy. I don't even have to end things with them. It just happens naturally, mutually. I need to be able to talk through my issues. I need to fucking grow up.

12/24/01
Dude, my aunt is so grumpy now. We have nothing in common anymore. She just sits around like a big blob. And, she's sooo grumpy. I don't think my other aunts were so bitchy when they were pregnant. I totally think she uses it as an excuse, to eat, to be a bitch, etc. And, she seemed like she didn't care about anything. I mean, she got kind of crappy presents for everyone. Usually, she's into Christmas and, well, CARES. Sigh, it's so sad.

12/21/01
God, I hate myself. I'm the BIGGEST FUCKING BITCH in the entire world. I am so the fucking asshole in I Don't Believe You. I mean, it felt right at the time. This guy was sort of in love with me. I tried everything to get him to stop. Told him how I felt. Told him that I totally didn't want to get scary, needy, life-long mate attached to anyone when I'm still so damn young. I tried keeping my distance from him. But, nothing was working. So, finally, I just obliterated his existence. I stopped talking to him, completely ignored him. For like a month. And, heh, it worked. Incredibly well. He's completely over me and dating and stuff. But, GOD, I feel so sick inside. I've never hated myself so much in my life. And, nobody even did anything to me. I wasn't abandoned, insulted; nothing. I was the total bitch and all of this is because I'm fuckingly screwed in the head. I don't deserve love.

Every single pet I've had has ended horribly. My first two hamsters, M&M and Skittles, my mom didn't like, so she took their cages to the dumpster and just left them there to starve and freeze to death. I left two other hamsters, Christine and Christy (okay, so I wasn't too inventive with the names), to my mom's boyfriend to take care of while me and mom went on vacation. One of them ran away, the other he starved. Another hamster, Chris (yeah, yeah), I took outside one summer to clean his cage. I left him in the shade while I went off to take a shower, but the sun came up. He was no longer in the shade...and he baked. I had a parakeet named Jim that I spent sooo much time "training." My mom gave him to her boyfriend and he just left my Jim out in the backyard. Never paid any attention to him and he became wild. Always chirping with the wild birds in the backyard. They never clipped his wings, so he would fly all over the cage, running into the walls. He was a wild bird stuck in a cage. Then, my last pet was a Beagle. Dukey. (By the way, I didn't name him, I got him from a guy named Duke). I went to visit my aunt in Boston, and when I came back, he wasn't there. Evidently, my mom gave him to some family far away. I cried so much over that. Everything I've ever loved was cursed. Love never works. I hate everything.

12/19/01
Slightly somber, reflective mood.

I'm into vulgarity. I think eloquence should be reserved for poetry and novels and stuff. My friend made me look at this chick's blogger thing or something. He claimed that the reason he read it was because she writes well. It was a bit too poetic for me. I try to talk like a normal person. My pretentiousness is in what I say, not how I say it. I think.

I've been all about non-commitment lately. Commitment is really messy. I've been in relationships....The majority of the relationships....all of the relationships that I've been in have been about love as forever or whatever. Maybe. Lately, all of that stuff feels stifling. It feels like people want things that I can't give. They want promises, commitment, unconditional and perpetual love. I'm waay too young for that. I mean, I'll love you as long as I love you, and when I don't anymore, I don't. It's so simple. For me, a promise is telling someone that you'll love them even when you don't love them anymore. You'll give yourself to them even when you're not really feeling it anymore. That's bullshit. And, I don't want to deal with that anymore. But, that's hard. People want more. People want to be loved. And, if they're not, they want to believe that they are, or worse, they want to believe that someday it'll happen. And they wait it out. That kind of pressure kills. You can't force love. Dammit, I just want a fuckmate/manservant (and they don't have to be the same person). Why can't things just be simple like that? Blah.

I used to be really open about myself, and, like, actually interested in people. I don't care anymore. Or, I haven't really cared in a long time. I got damn sick of it. It used to be a lot of fun. People are interesting. Life stories can be entertaining. But, sometimes people take it to mean so much. Like we're sharing this intimate moment or something. Not that sharing secrets isn't a big deal, but I used to do it so much it wasn't anything special. It was like talking about the weather. That's just what you talked about with people. People used to come to me with their problems and stuff. I was really good to talk to, and I would bullshit some answers from them which would actually make sense and possibly work, too. Plus, there was the non-judgment thing that I did a lot. But, it wasn't special to me; and it was to them. That sort of unbalance makes for some unhappy relationships. I got sick of it. Really, really, really sick of it. So, for several months now, I've been strictly about superficial, fun relationships. I don't know. I think I need balance. I'm always about extremes. I'm either obsessed about something or completely indifferent. I'm confused. I feel edgy.

Hmm, I guess that's what this webpage is about. Opening up. But, it's nice and safe because everyone can see it. It's not like I'm giving away me secrets to you because I trust, love, and care about you. It's just an online journal.

I always feel this need to "figure things out." But, you know, I actually don't think that's possible. Deep down, at least. It doesn't stop me from needing to know. I wonder if it would be so bad to just let things be, without needing to understand.

12/18/01
I'm always thinking two steps ahead of myself. All of my to-do lists and all. Always thinking about what I should be doing in the future when I have more time, never thinking about what I'm doing right now. It makes for a lot of plans. And that's it. I don't want to plan my future. I don't want to spend all of my time planning for something that probably will never happen. It's not just essays. I procrastinate life. That's no good. It's also really stressful. There are always things you should be doing (I banned that word - should - from my vocabulary for many many months once ago). I don't feel right right now.

You know the legend of the person who wanted everything he touched to turn into gold? I think that's what feelings are like. When you're depressed or happy, everything you touch seems depressed or happy. I've been starting to think a lot again. That used to be a really bad thing. But, I think it was just because I was depressed. All I did was think up how depressing life is. I'm not so much like that anymore. I think good things can come out of this thinking thing. Maybe I'll figure something out.

12/15/01
The stupid pedophiles have ruined me. Now I'm paranoid about guys who turn out to be really nice. Dude was hitting on my on the bus (yeah, very familiar story). But, this guy wasn't even old. He was 22. He started a conversation with me while we were waiting for the bus, and then he asked to sit down next to me. I just completely ignored the question. It was soo rude of me. So, he took the hint and sat way in the back, all sheepish and apologetic and stuff. I'm such a bitch. Maybe it's possible to be nice and not have weird, scary (and often smelly) people grabbing at me and doing all sorts of wrong.

12/14/01
I was listening to the radio this morning (alarm clock) and "Vinny" said something that made me feel a whole lot better about life. He said that mostly, life is really really boring. I think that helps a lot, because I don't get depressed about very many things, but I can't stand boring (i.e. Irvine). Boring is the most depressing thing in the world. But, if you think of life as one huge boring rut, then you should consider yourself extraordinarily lucky anytime you're not thinking of killing yourself from boredom. Cool.

I love the Bay Area. I mean, where else would (male) radio personalities publicly admit that they think another guy is hot ("Jude Law, yeah, I'd do him.") and that they once straddled a guy and went wild while the dude kissed his neck (well, they were drunk at the time).

12/5/01
Usually, the news really depresses me. I mean, the first thing people say to do when you're depressed is to stop watching the news for a week. And, it's SUCH propaganda. I can feel a completely opposite way about something, but the news will make me feel whatever. BUT, the DailyCal is so awesome. They report about cool things going on in the Bay Area. Liberal, citizen-empowerment type things. Like, there was this article about how we finally got AC Transit passes for the city's employees to reduce pollution, parking, etc. And, a couple pages late, article about this non-profit car sharing organization that reduces the need for each individual person to buy a car. Reduces pollution and parking, saves consumers money, new wave of the future, and all. Just makes you feel good inside. :)

Wow, I had this epiphany in class today. After writing the leather essay and such, I got a real feel for s/m, but it didn't really click until class the next day. Prof was talking about how after 9/11 and all, pics came up online with the empire state building up bin laden's ass, and people saying "Die, faggots, Die." I mean, gays get this shit ALL THE TIME. It SUCKS. When they're in an s/m scene, though, they get to do this stuff consensually. They get to decide exactly what kind of scene they want to do. They have control for once. And, bottom completely trusts top with all of this power, but top doesn't abuse him or take advantage of him. Top has all of this power, but only wants to give bottom ecstasy. For once in their lives, someone has the power of life and death and doesn't abuse it. That's amazing. People talk about how s/m is a healing, transformative, transcendental experience. And, I think I sort of get it. They also say that once they acknowledge to themselves that they're into s/m (or, come out), they start standing up for themselves, outside of the bedroom, dungeon, or whatever. They realize when people are taking advantage of them and they do something about it. Well, more power to them.

12/3/01
I love the gay scene and camp humor. I mean, maybe I wasn't living out perversities of a same-sex nature, but I have my share of fringeness from social norms. So, I totally relate to the outsider thing (maybe not as intensely, though). And, camp is the best coping mechanism. It helps me deal, not just with my deviance, but with general trauma. That's why I'm always saying grandpappy and stuff. The humor distracts.

11/29/01
I should not have been given a license. But, I gotta give credit to the fact that there are always people around when I tip the bike over. Lesson: I am not tall enough to push the bike up an incline.

Dude, who' going to my site? I get at least a couple hits a day, but only one person admits that they're interested at all in my site...

11/27/01
Today's adventure: This was such a damsel-in-distress day. Was going to the bike shop to get the VTR checked out, but when I started it, then engine cut off all of a sudden. But, the shop seemed close by, and it was mostly downhill anyways, so I thought I'd walk it. BIG BIG BIG mistake. So, goddamn tiring, but it wasn't all that bad. Five people stopped me along the way to help out. Made me feel so loved. I love this city. I love the Bay Area. Everyone's so nice and friendly. Dude #1 was a biker and he fiddled around with the bike and figured out that the battery needed charging. Dude #2 and #3 helped me pick up my bike when I dropped it in utter exhaustion (plus, the stupid street was crowned). Dude #4 offered to charge up my battery (he had a charger). Dude #5 walked the bike for me a couple blocks. He was an absolute god-send. He walked it along flat street, which is a LOT harder. I think he was a bum. Had a dog with this total s/m bondage collar, and a limp. Sigh, so tired, so very very tired...

11/26/01
My god, it was so cold last night. I woke up in the middle of the night from the freezing, freezing cold, and couldn't get back to sleep because all the shivering was waking me up. And, what's worse, no one's sympathetic at my incessant whining. They all laugh at me and tell me how warm they are. Bastards, all of you.

11/24/01
I like making Dude feel loved. He gets such a kick out of it.

11/23/01
I think I should change the opening page to this site and have the floor 2 stuff as a side page, because:
s p a z matik: i feel like i almost know your floor 2 people
kneeeeeee7: hahah
s p a z matik: yeah
s p a z matik: its like i've known becky for years

11/19/01
God, I love my website.

11/18/01
I don't think I really like my name. Other people don't like it too much either, I've got a bunch of nicknames. Those are so much fun. Sometimes it feels really weird to be called just plain "christina."

11/17/01
Riding the bike felt so weird. Unnatural. It was the first time I've been out on the street. But, I think I'm starting to get used to it. Like, I just discovered the turn signals. I'm gonna start using them. And, not turning on the high beam when a car is coming at me from the other side of the street would be good.

I think I've pretty much gotten over the whole opening up yourself and just liking your friends, no strings attached, but I'm so bad at telling people things like that. I've never been into the heartfelt goodbye thing. Like, when my uncle, aunt, and best friends went away to college, I was like, "k, bye," and that was pretty much it. But, today, for some reason, I was actually sort of sad to see Dude go. Very weird for me. But, I didn't say anything. At all. I wanted to say shit like, "aww, I'll miss you. so nice seeing you again. keep in touch. blah blah blah," but, I said NOTHING. At all. Well, except for "bye." I think I, um, have troubles expressing certain emotions. Like anything that resembles a compliment. Those are tough. Well, here's another self-improvement project (jeez, I've got so many of those).

Dude is such an asshole, but he's actually pretty nice deep down inside. This weekend was really fun. The whole catching up thing and all. Dude, I haven't seen him in almost 4 years now. I guess there are some (one or two) non-hellish things that come out of Irvine.

11/9/01
I find it incredibly peculiar when someone asks you if you want to spend the weekend with your rapist.

11/6/01
I really, really, REALLY need to figure out life one day, or it's going to nag at me forever and prevent me from ever being happy. Nothing in life means anything to me. I mean, there are a couple things here and there that distract me for a couple minutes or more, but that's all they are to me - distractions. Every time I get excited about something, it's like it's just my new obsession. It's my webpage, my motorcycle, Europe, lingerie, taking tons and tons of pics, stocks, work, catching up on way backed up school work, blah, blah, blah. I get so excited about it, but every once in a while, I'll say to myself, "Oh boy, here it comes again," then I'll shrug my shoulders and finish my new all-consuming hobby until I get depressed with the meaningless of life, then find a new hobby. This is why I'm in love with Bob Dylan and Franz Kafka, why I cross streets without looking, why I love reckless driving, why nothing scares me, and why I can sit there so completely apathetic when catastrophic things happen. What's the point? What does it matter what I do, if I die? I mean, I'm not suicidal or anything. I'm not about to hurl myself into a fire or jump off the Golden Gate. Just because I find nothing worth anything in life doesn't mean I'm itching to kill myself. Maybe the act of killing myself is just as banal as everything else I do. Naw, it's probably more than that. All of these things I do, these little bits of pleasure that I grasp for, my Buddhist psych class says that this grasping is exactly what is making me suffer so much. That every bit of pleasure that I get just makes me want more, but none of it can ever satisfy me. That makes a ton of sense to me, but now, the little bit of joy that I got from life is gone. My joy is my suffering. So what's left? Death awaits me. (I can be melodramatic at times)

If there's one thing my mom taught me, it's how to push people away. Not that she pushed me away left and right as a child, but she made it pretty necessary for me to push her away. I'm way too good at that now. She also taught me how to stop a conversation dead. But, don't worry, I've unlearned some of that. Getting better all the time.

11/1/01
Okay, I'm an asshole when it comes to girls. But, I thought I'd set things straight here. I don't mean to be a sexist bastard. I mean, it's not my fault. I remember reading about this gorgeous busty blonde bombshell who was taken advantage by guys and treated pretty shitty. Now, she despises men and seeks solely feminine love. That's like me, but in reverse. I never fit in with girls, but I've been lovingly embraced by men. I'm all about guys. Maybe I don't hate girls as much as that blonde hates men, but I'm not so keen on them. And, dude, girls hate me too. I don't stroke their precious, fragile egos, and they hate me for it. I get tons of attention from guys (they're my buds), and that's even worse. They make all of their friends hate me too, they talk behind my back, and do all sorts of shitty girl revenge.

10/22/01
If you're gonna IM me, then that's great. I love it. I feel special. But, SAY SOMETHING. I want to talk to you. I love you. You're my best friend. But, I'm not gonna pry into your life and ask you a bunch of questions over and over again until you're reassured that I really am interested in you. Those days are long over, so don't expect that kind of damaged ego stroking from me. Just spit it out!

10/17/01
Fuck all that depression shit (look down). I'm over it.

10/16/01
Me and my best friend used to do a ton of stuff together. Basically, he got me off my big lazy ass. But, he's been damn busy lately. I keep on doing pathetic little shit like waiting to eat dinner with him and stuff. Sort of like waiting for my mom to get me bad fast food down in Irvine. I should've just taken my ass down to Ralph's, cooked some shit, and let her eat her damn Del Taco burritos. Well, that's what I'm gonna do now. Me and Dude used to do stupid menial activities together, but if I wait for him to do it with me, it'll never get done. I need to gain some weight. I'm going to the grocery store tonight.

10/4/01
One of the reasons I'm so good in my psych classes and why I enjoy them so much is because I absorb the information. It becomes a part of who I am. So, when I take tests, I'm just talking about who I am and what I think. You can't do that with epsilon-delta proofs. You can sort of do it with the hard sciences, but it's not as human or interesting. I'm so glad I started my Buddhist psych readings. It came just in time.

10/3/01
Why is it that sleeplessness comes with depression? And, when you finally get to sleep, you never want to wake up. Maybe my life has gotten too easy (and boring). Maybe I need suffering and pain to thrive. Damn the stupid thoughts in my head.

10/2/01
I want to be a muckraker.

There's an essential difference between older people and younger people. Maybe I've been too hard on my aunt. Maybe I'll want the types of things she wants later in my life. I mean, Dude used to like the tough college/bum life that I'm so into now. But, now that he's getting into his 40s (damn), he wants the reserved parking spot, the umbrella drinks, and the expensive brand name shoes. I better do stuff now, while I have the energy, the time, and the inclination.

10/1/01
Last night I met a cat and was gonna give it a can of tuna, but I thought about it for a second, wondering if I should waste a quarter worth of food that I probably didn't even pay for myself. What's my problem?

9/30/01
I really love folksy music. I'm damn depressed right now and it got way the hell worse when I started listening to Gordon Lightfoot (one of my favorite singers now). He's really depressing (yeah, that's what I'm into), and even worse, it was really folksy. I think the reason I like this stuff so much is because it reminds me so much of Phil. This music IS/was Phil. I can't believe how very much I'm still so in love with him. And, even weirder, I don't even want to get back with him. I just love him because I can't help it. I don't expect anything from him in return. I was so depressed, and listening to folk music made me want to call him (sort of). It somewhat worries me that depression and folk music are so strongly tied to him, but maybe it's just the whole Irvine thing. But, still. Fuck, I don't even know if I'll feel remotely the same about him outside of Irvine. Gordon Lightfoot is so messed up. He sort of has a drinking problem, and he sings a lot about it. Most of the time, he's drinking because of a girl. I was thinking about love last night (uh oh). Maybe it started when I saw Forrest Gump this weekend. Jenny was such a bitch to him, and he was absolutely incredible to her. He loved her so damn much. But, love isn't enough. My heart went out to him, but I know that if I were Jenny, I'd be just as much of an asshole. Love isn't enough. It just doesn't work. I mean, it broke my heart when Esmerelda trashed Quasimodo around. Love is such a powerful thing, but petty little details like a hump on your back can really sour things. Phil and I loved each other a lot. But it doesn't work. What does work? Similar race, religion, income level, height? Is this really the truth of life? Once, I thought that you just find somebody to love, and there ya go (yeah, I didn't know I was this naive, either). But, there goes that idea. Am I just thinking waaay too much?

After writing all of this stuff, I calmed down a bit and stopped crying (yeah, I was crying, so what), then more Gordon Lightfoot came on (maybe I shouldn't be listening to him...), and I was so afraid I'd start bawling full on. But, luckily, I ran out of him, and Leonard Cohen started up. He's also incredibly bitter, but he has a demented sense of humor about it. That's what I love about Dylan. He's the best of Gordon Lightfoot and Leonard Cohen. He's depressed, and bitter, and he strips everything you have but your tears, and he's got a sense of humor about it. God, I love him. I like G.L. and L.C. because they're really fucked up. Dylan is messed up, but in a tragic, poetic way.

I wrote more when I'm depressed. When I'm happy, it's boring, not worth putting into words. Maybe that's why I'm so into sadness. Depression, misery, hopelessness. That's poetry.

9/27/01
I love my Buddhist psychology class, and psych in general. I love definitions. When you have a word for something, you can analyze it. It's not just some vague, amorphous thing. Language makes the intangible more tangible. Like, I was getting bored and depressed last night, but I didn't want to think about it, so I decided to watch Trainspotting, and I was like "Okay, I am now entering animal realm (where you don't think about anything, you just do stuff)." By the way, that movie is THE worst movie in the world. It's pure wage-slave indoctrination. It's like, Beware of getting addicted to heroin because you'll fuck up your empty, meaningless life working 9 to 5, worrying about your stupid little 401k, laughing at your boss' stupid jokes, and buying stupid trinkets that you don't need but other wage slaves will think is cool. I mean, he fucking stole 16,000 pounds from his friends to start this life. He killed a baby. He used an impressionable underage girl. He doesn't mention her when he gets all that money at all. He's not even thinking about her. I doubt he's going to try to make it work with her. She doesn't fit in his little middle class model and he's going to trash her. I don't think he does anything redeeming in that movie. Asshole.

So much of my life is spent making money. I had a dream about it one night a couple weeks ago. I woke up and was freaked out that money meant so much to me that I dreamt about it. I then told myself I would meet up with (or call if they were miles away) everyone I liked and really really tell them why I loved them so darn much. I was making up all these speeches in my head. I wanted to do it in person. I wanted them to hear and see how sincere and choked up I was about it...I never did it. This little plan of mine didn't even make it into my journal thing.

I hate money. It disconnects you from other people. I don't want to be rich. I don't know how I feel about seeing someone all fucked up in the street while I have thousands of dollars stowed away. Actually, I know exactly how I feel about it. It's not right. It's passive cruelty. I just don't know what I'm going to do about it. I still crave cash. It's sickening how we place so much importance on such a sterile thing. I am sickened. Sickened, dammit.

9/26/01
Sometimes you need pain to feel like your real.

Boredom is the worst evil on the planet. It's the plague of the upper classes. It makes us selfish and allows us to be cruel. I mean, what else are we gonna do? And, if bullying "less popular" people or shopping isn't doing it for you, all you have left to do is get really really depressed. Forget world hunger, poverty, and death; boredom sucks. I'm experiencing an episode. I'm so unhappy with my life. I'm so BORED. I want meaning. I want to be useful. I want, I want, I want...

9/25/01
Shit, $839.26 on one of my credit card bills, and another $330 already spent on the next one. I'm so fucked.

9/24/01
We've fucked over the world a million times over, did we really think no one would retaliate? Hooray for the underdog.

9/15/01
Dude, what's going on?? People are getting BLOODTHIRSTY. What the hell is this? There are hate crimes in Oakland, people getting MURDERED, and Berkeley students getting harassed, just because they don't look "right." I mean, the U.S. has done some pretty fucked up things to other nations, way worse than the World Trade Center thing. The anger that everyone is feeling right now is exactly the same anger that they felt when we we're killing innocents over there. By retaliating with violence, we are doing exactly what they are doing. We are justifying the hundreds of deaths on Tuesday. We are saying that violent anger is okay. If it's okay for us, then it's okay for them, so when we mercilessly unleash American forces on a defenseless nation, it will also be okay for them to up their terrorist activities, to feel angry and retaliate.

9/14/01
I have a huge tolerance for shock. What gets to me is sustained stress. Like the human condition of stupidity, hypocrisy, scapegoating; THAT's what depresses me. And, boredom. That's a big one. Nothing could be more depressing

9/13/01
Now, the politicians are saying that the terrorists can barely be called human. What the fuck is going on?? Everyone is going insane. They're all saying that we must fight for freedom and the American way, but all of this rhetorical bullshit really means fighting for American privilege while not giving a shit about anybody else. I mean, if we really believed in equality and all that shit, we wouldn't have sent the CIA on Afghanistan which pretty much directly created the Taliban and so many of our enemies. All of this rhetoric is just propaganda to make us feel peachy-keen about obliterating a nation. People are blood-thirsty, and I don't feel the same way. I'm gonna get hanged. Fuck this.

9/12/01
Everyone is starting to scare me so much. I don't want to go be in war mode. It freaks me out. It means conformity. It means all the prejudiced people who were shutting up their mouths, afraid of sounding racist or un-pc, are now the stars. There was this guy on the radio today talking about Palestinian toddlers dancing around in the streets, taught all their lives to hate Americans, and then you take a look in the convenience stores and they're the ones running them. I mean, what the fuck. It's right out of American History X (yeah, I've been watching too many movies lately. I blame Morpheus). I don't want to hate people and be angry and demand retribution. Fuck all this.

Goddamn, I'm spending waaay too much money. I just bought some stuff at Target and Staples for $100, and now I'm getting a digital camera for $300+. But, it's all worth it, right? I've always wanted to get one. But, what about the grand I want to spend on a motorcycle? I was also planning on spending tons in SF this weekend. Fuck, I wish I didn't have so much money to spend.

9/11/01
This whole thing is crap. The news doesn't make me feel sorry for what's happening. Oh, the poor 'captains of industry' and the 'concrete canyons.' Who wants them anyways? They destroy the planet and step on everyone they can. But, the news is talking about them like they're these glorified monuments. All of this so reminds me of fight club. Big symbols of corporate rule are being blown up. I don't know, I think it's kind of cool (except for all the people exploding. That sucks.)

Everyone assumes it's Bin Laden terrorism. But, I mean, I hate the WTO, U.S. governmental corruption, and business giants. If I was that frustrated and had nothing to lose, this is the plan that I would follow (well, only if I was really really bored). Besides, most 'terrorist attacks' are domestic. This whole fiasco is good for Bush since it distracts from all the shit he's doing domestically and internationally (tearing up national parks for oil, the Kioto Treaty), and it's good for the economy with all the rebuilding that needs to be done. It's just what America needed.

Postal workers are so nice. I asked the guy if he had a certified letter for me (my Dylan tickets :D), and he said he didn't, but if I gave him my mail notice, he would run to the post office and grab it for me. That was so incredibly nice. My roommate said he did that because I'm a girl. It's probably true. I mean, I'm not complaining (well, yes I am), but I think it's pretty unfair. I mean, I've gotten a free sandwich, and they were like, "have some chips too, and take a soda," so I had to adamantly refuse more free food. When I was stuck in El Cerrito, someone on their way to Oakland gave me a ride home (now, there's a leap of faith). I backed straight into someone's car and left a big old dent, and they didn't ask for insurance or even any cash (yeah, I should clear out my car so I can see out the back window...). A postal worker gave me a ride to 7-11 on a hot day, and some guy in front of me in line paid for my ice cream. I mean, the list goes on. I feel kind of guilty about it. I'm getting a break just because I'm a cute little Asian girl. And, all my guy friends shake their head at me when they hear about stuff like this. Poor them, lucky me.

9/8/01
Another weird dream...My mom's boyfriend started acting like my grandpa, except there was also this other anonymous girl involved. It really creeped me out. And then (I think this was a different dream), there was this contest or something where me and the grandma from Golden Girls were competing. She was supposed to be my mom. I tried to win, but she beat me, but everyone thought that I just let her win. Then, I started walking to my friend's house, which turned out to be a journey. I was walking in the rain and the mud with just one shoe on, but the muddy wetness felt really nice. I looked in pretty bad shape, and was looking forward to seeing the reaction on my friend's parents' faces, and then taking a long, hot, nice shower. And then, I saw Queen Latifah get out of a van in a muddy soccer field. She started talking, and all of a sudden, it turned into a T.V. show. I couple of women had bought her some land, and they had a house on it and were living together. You could see all of them sitting around a wood table, mostly girls, a guy, and another guy in a wheelchair. And, in one of those closing remarks by the main character where you hear their thoughts, Queen Latifah was saying, "I thought that all I wanted was a family to be my distraction, but this is perfect, living with a bunch of my friends..." Okay, next time, I'm going to get out of bed when I first wake up, even if it is 8 in the morning.

9/5/01
You should oversleep every once in a while (but only once in a while, because then you just get really messed up and depressed). I always have really intense dreams (even though I only slept 9 hours). This is the first time I've written about a dream right after waking up, so forgive me for all the details. I went to this meeting that turned out to be a cult, but they wouldn't let me leave. So, I was there for a long time trying to figure out how to leave. Finally, me and a bunch of other starving people snuck into a room with food. We were eating food, I think bugs, attached on strings from the ceiling. Then, one of the cult people came in. I hid behind the door, and was caught, so I tried to get the cult person out of there as fast as I could so all the other people wouldn't also be killed. After we left and closed the door, I said, "Goodbye, Cruel World" really loudly so everyone would know that they were free to try to escape. Then, I got to the killing chamber, which looked like a shower, and I was like, "Damn." But, she left for a bit, and some guy came over and wanted to show me something. My heart was beating really hard when he brought me to the stairway door. He hesitated a bit to unlock the door, and I was like, "He better do that fast so I can get way the fuck out of here." But, it worked, and I escaped the death chamber. Woo! So, he took me to this sketchy factory building. Everyone looked really familiar there. I thought that I saw a DOCS person, and a guy I once dated, but they both turned out to be someone else. Then Tejal was there for some incredibly odd reason, and the guy that brought me turned into a cross between Interruption girl and another white girl in my BA class. They were talking in a big group, distracted, so I took off as fast as I could run. All of a sudden, a blonde girl was running next to me. She told me she was also escaping from a cult after like, a year and a half. She asked what were we going to do now, and I told her we could take the BART or the bus to my aunt's house in Fremont to think things over and get a clear plan. Then, somehow on the way there, we had to climb up a big grassy hill. It was FUCKING STEEP. It took all your strength to keep from falling back down, and even then, you couldn't help it sometimes. There were a bunch of cult people there trying to get you to stop climbing and join them. They were enticing you with pretty women and stuff (oh, my god, they were creepy. Sort of like the three Sirens, except less surreal). The girl I was with fell down kind of far, so I had to continue on my own. There were cult people in cars driving down the hill, aiming for you, calling you evil sinners, not to mention the BART train on the side that you had to watch out for. Then, the girl caught up with me. By this time there were a million people all trying to get up the hill. She was all sweaty and gross and really devoted to me for saving her. All of a sudden, it became really important for the both of us to get up the hill. We grabbed onto the rail and used that to get up, but our hands were getting really really sweaty. I was so afraid that our hands would slide down the metal, but it wasn't that bad. It was just something to DO and not think about. So, we kept on going. Then, I woke up.

9/3/01
Did a barbeque today. Was so fun. It was great sitting around a little smokey joe with meat in our hands and talking about sex. You should do that every once in awhile. Forget the expensive restaurants with their fancy utensils and napkins. Eat meat with your hands straight from the grill. But, it wasn't THAT primal. We did have plates.

9/1/01
I like my friendship with Dude and other Dude by the same name. It's totally non-commital. Just a willing body to call up when you're bored or need someone to go do something with. I mean, friendships where you care about each other and are deeply involved in each others lives are great, too, but sometimes you just want a partner in crime and not in life.

8/30/01
My SD friend liked the journal entry I had about him. That was nice. That's what's cool about making a webpage. It makes your friends feel good and special. You get to say in a completely roundabout way that you like 'em. I remember when I was doing my old highschool website. I did all these tribute pages for my friends. When I put in a bunch of quotes that I thought sounded like them and they saw it, they thought it was really cool. It was accurate, but it was also someone else's opinion of them. I don't know. It felt nice to know they liked it.

Lectures are really hard for me now. I wonder if I could stop going to them and just talk to the prof on my own. I wonder if they'd go for that. I'd so much rather have a real discussion than just be talked at for 2 hours.

8/29/01
Instant gratification is stupid. It's more expensive, and less fun. It's so great to see my little baby seeds turn into real plants. When you buy full-grown plants, you just watch them die. I can't wait until I can eat them. Life is about love (yeah, I know, I'm such a hippy). You should try to get as much of it as you can. Do things that take a long time, is hard work, and that you have to keep up. As long as you do it because you want to and not because you have to, I'll guarantee that you will start to love it.

My friend got me all into Fight Club. It's such a great movie. I love all the free-flowing testosterone. That was great. I love the idea of blowing up all the stupid shit you've collected over the years. I hate shopping. Dude and Girl buy so many things. It seems like their marriage is based on collecting stuff. I so don't want to do that. I mean, if it makes them happy, then sure, why not. But, it's not for me. I want to DO stuff. I want to go out and explore, see new things. I also liked Helena Botham Carter. I think she does great sex scenes. They're so real. There are real feelings behind it. But, even though I'm all about Fight Club, I feel really ambivalent about some things. The most obvious is that it's a huge Hollywood production (I mean, come on...Brad Pitt, Edward Norton, Helena Botham Carter?). Hollywood is the complete antithesis to anti-consumerism. And, Tyler Durden (Pitt) was way too trendy. He wears expensive, tailored leather jackets, and towards the end, they even make it a point to show a shot of just his trendy leather shoes. It just reminds me of how corporations profit from selling an image of "rebellion." If you buy mass-produced clothes that look a certain way, you are rebelling against society. In this movie, companies have an icon of rebellion against corporate society portrayed by a REALLY HOT guy with some talent. So, if you don't want to buy cute little furniture from IKEA, go out and buy furry coats and leather shoes. But, if you sort of wave your hand a bit and make that stupid contradictory stuff go away, the message is pretty good. It makes me move even more away from this idea of "success" meaning a high-paying job, a nice car and house, nice things, and an otherwise boring life. But, the movie also talks about how advertising screws with your head. So, why am I so influenced by this Hollywood production? What about all of the other books I've read that have changed my life? -->

I hate rhetoric. You should talk about something as YOUR opinion, not as the "right" opinion. Because maybe the person you're talking to isn't ready to handle your views, or maybe you're just WRONG. Or maybe it works for you and it doesn't work for them. Advertising tries to tell you what's "right." Literature is usually just some dude talking about what he knows and what he thinks is cool, and thought it was great enough to write about and share with the world. Don't advertise your opinions; just talk about them. (And that's the right thing to do).

8/28/01
There are some people that you HAVE to be nice to. They just can't take a little abuse. New resolution: be nicer to Dude.

I hate the word, "genitals." It's such an ugly word for such a beautiful thing.

8/27/01
I had a ton of time to think on the bus (11pm-2pm), so this entry is going to be really really long and boring. Okay, first of all...the trip. I had so much fun on the beaches of San Diego. Oh my god, I wish I could live on the beach. Rolling around in hot sand with the sun beating on your sunburnt back. That was great. I finally got some tanlines. I thought I was sort of tan before, but I have patches of obscene whiteness on my ass, chest, and mid-back. San Diego is HUGE, and half of it is freeway. I'm so glad that it's a pain to drive in the bay area. I'd hate to spend most of my time driving places. But, it was cool for a couple days. I'm glad that I got the whole beach thing out of my system. Now, I don't have to spend the rest of the school year wishing I had a chance to see sand and sea.

I've changed so much since my first year of Berkeley. I used to be really messed up (I still am, but in different ways now). It used to take A LOT for me to trust and care about someone, but I think I've relearned how to love (woo!) without needing it unconditionally in return. Which is great because it's hard to find people who will care about you that much when you won't care about them until they prove it to you. It's such a basic thing, too. But, I'm glad that I rediscovered it. I appreciate it so much more because it's a new feeling, and it feels good. Like, people are so great for stupid little reasons. Who would've thought that you would like someone a bunch just because you can make fun of their bright red, sunburnt skin. But, I still suck a lot. New item on my self-improvement agenda: learn how to express my gratitude. This weekend, my buddy was so incredibly nice. He woke up at an ungodly hour to pick me up, stayed up and woke up early the next day to entertain me, let me stay at his place, took me wherever I wanted to go, blah, blah, blah. I mean, what an incredible friend. I just could never say something like that to someone's face. It just feels so unnatural. I don't know why. I can insult people and be brutally honest, but I can't compliment people, at least not without feeling insincere and very unnatural. There are times when I'm moved to tell someone how much I like them, but that's usually for 1 or 2 minutes, then I go back to insulting them again. But, I'll work on it. There's gotta be a way for a bitter, sarcastic person to show her appreciation. I am well-known for my honesty when I'm not supposed to say certain things, so I should be able to be just as honest when I actually have something nice to say, right?

I also went to see my aunt this weekend. Everyone thinks I'm a total hippy. I don't think so. I mean, I wear socks and shoes, I take showers, and I don't have huge patches of furry hair in my armpits. I can't be a hippy. They just don't know what they're talking about. We went swimming, and we ate. My god, they eat so much. But, it's good. I need to gain weight. I'm so weak now. I've been wasting away this whole summer. In San Diego, I was pounded by waves, flying through the water in every direction. It was great when my suit was falling off, and I ran straight into Buddy with my legs wrapped around him. Then, when I got out of the water, I was stumbling. So disoriented. I swallowed a ton of salt water and my throat was stinging. I was beaten so completely. Dude was like, "the water's nice." Not only that, but I can't fight anymore! I am nothing. I am 90 pounds of nothingness. It's pathetic. I felt so overpowered by the last two guys that I was playing around with. The only thing that saved me was that I'm quick, small, and they're too nice to hurt me. I am on a new mission to gain weight and return to my former greatness.

I don't think me and girls work. I don't know how to insult myself to make other people feel better. If only I didn't like myself and I hated my body...You're supposed to say stuff like, "What?!? But, you look great! I'm so fat and ugly. I wish I could be like you." It just doesn't work when you say, "Wow, I look fabulous. I want to fuck myself, I'm so hot." Then, they nitpick at a million stupid, unimportant things about their body that nobody notices, and they feel bad. Blah.

8/16/01
Everyone stop complimenting me! My vanity is already uncontainable as it is. I mean, don't unnecessarily insult me (unless it's funny), but my ego does not need to be pumped up any more than it is.

Lesson: There will always be sexual tension between you and someone that you've been with even if there is no way in hell that you're gonna get back together. I've learned that after years of pain and anguish with [you know who], but I must now say that it generalizes to all.

Now I feel more resolved. I hate when things are just left hanging. HATE that. So, yaay.

8/15/01
It's so weird how you can be so incredibly close to someone when they're in the same city, and feel nothing for them when they're hundreds of miles away. I don't know what to think of that.

8/14/01
My life is empty right now. But, I'm happy. I don't know why. I'm usually so very prone to depression. So...why is my life empty? I think it's mainly because my best friend is gone for the summer. I ALWAYS have a best friend. I mean, I don't like most of humanity, but I always have a couple of really close friends. But, is that it? Does best friendship instantly bring meaning into your life? Perhaps. I never had thoughts like this until he left. It's so odd - having an empty feeling inside but feeling happy. I guess it's an empty happiness.

8/13/01
The stuff that business and government feed us is SUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT. It's propaganda, and we happily buy into it. I don't want the world to be this way. But, the world has ALWAYS been this way. People don't want to think for themselves. So, what's my place in this world? I used to be all about environmentalism in my little Students for Social Responsibility club in high school, but I got so disillusioned. Nothing you do makes any difference whatsoever. I narrowed my world to a few close friends, and I was fine with that. Just closed myself to all the shit that goes on around me. But, all of a sudden, that's not okay anymore. But, now what?? Corruption is inherent. It's the nature of human society. So, WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?? I'm so confused.

8/7/01
Phew! Damn presentation is over. I was pretty nervous, but the prof thought I sounded "friendly." At first, I thought it sucked, but after talking to him, I realized that I was expecting perfection. No one ever expects that from you, so I may have stumbled and um'ed, but it's cool. I'll be less critical of myself next time (maybe).

See, the reason I feel so damn uncomfortable "on stage" is because I don't have my arrogance to fall back on. Usually, I'm an arrogant ass, as you'll hear me say time and time again, but I lose all that when I'm talking in front of the class. I need to make that happen somehow. I'll work on it.

Girl really scares me, but I try to suppress those feelings so I can get along with her. She wrote to me in class after our presentation, "This class was really unsupportive. That guy wouldn't even let us have a discussion; he kept saying we already went over 1/2 hour. The prof just likes that girl because she talked about business law and is in his stupid club. It had nothing to do w/ class!" Well, you be the judge. I guess I'm just as mean as she is by posting this up on the web. Sigh...

I'm totally talking behind her back. I'm an evil person. I hate myself.

8/5/01
I finally figured out how to get along with girls. You just act cooperative, reassure them, and above all, agree a lot. Oh yeah, you also have to insult the same people, but never each other. If you don't think about it, you can actually have fun with them like that, even if you do hate yourself the whole time. I sort of like the few girls that I'm forced to work with (school/job). So what if it goes against every principle I believe in; you gotta find a way to co-exist with them. They're nice to me to my face. That's all I need. Not that all the girls I know are like that. Some of them I actually somewhat respect. Maybe this is just the first step to accepting females. Seems silly to rule out friendship with half of the population. If only they weren't such damn idiots...

I'm so mean. Some people think that I'm really nice, but I insult people left and right. When I was talking in a group of chicks, Girl was starting to scare me because she was really insulting some people in our class. She was so vicious... But what's the difference between her meanness and mine? Dammit.

7/31/01
I'm such an arrogant ass. I always need to sound like I know exactly what I'm talking about. Bull shit is my middle name. Most of the time, my bull shit sounds really great and maybe is actually right, but sometimes I'm just WRONG. I think it comes from my AP days and all that essay writing. It's all about supporting your point, whether you're right or wrong.

What's so wrong with being nerdy? I personally think it's kind of cool. I mean, you know how to do so much shit that would make most people lost and confused. How can that not be cool? I hate arrogant, "popular" people who expect you to like them instantly just because they look and act a certain way. Stupid idiots. Nerds are cool. And, it's kind of sexy. It's sexy when somebody opens your mind to something that you would never think about in that way. Dude I know teases me about it, but who does he ask CONSTANTLY for advice? He'd be lost without me! He thinks I'm crazy for thinking nerdiness is cool. Well, I say, "Fuck him!"

7/30/01
I'm starting to really like a couple of chicks. It's weird. It goes against so much that I believe in. I think girls are petty, mean, superficial, insecure...the list goes on. I mean, I have nothing in common with them :). In fact, one chick I thought was scary as fuck when I first started talking to her. Mean bitch, she is. But, for some reason, I like her. Well, at least she's honest. Damn, I think honesty is the first and foremost thing I need to like someone.

7/26/01
I hang around guys waaay too much. I'm starting to talk about girls like guys do. "She's cute." "She's hot." "She's not my type." "I'd do her." I've had three girl friends in eight years. Maybe I should make more of them. Girls aren't completely useless.

7/24/01
People need to stop being so damn nice to me. I don't need you to make me feel better about myself. I'm already incredibly vain. You don't need to make my any more obnoxious than I am. Actually, compliments make me doubt myself. I mean, compliments, a lot of the time, are just compensation for some inadequacy you have. "No, no, you're not that dumb..." It's easier for me to constantly convince myself of my greatness than for someone to over-compensate for my short-comings with ridiculous compliments. Above all, be honest.

7/20/01
I don't think I could ever go into business. I was thinking of doing something in advertising because it sounded really fun (like, this one advertising chick went out in the field, riding around with a bunch of bikers to do research for Kawasaki motorcycle ads), but I don't know if I'd like myself so much after prostituting like that for a bit of money. The classes I've been taking lately make me want to do the activism thing, but that's so unrealistic. Mr. Mamer (high school teacher) had to quit his job in the top ranks of Amnesty International because he could actually live off a teacher's salary. Now isn't that pathetic? Who quits their job to become a HS teacher for the money? Not only that, but there's no way you can fight the corporations. The regularly spend MILLIONS of dollars on just one person that causes trouble. If they can't buy you out, they'll do everything they can to discredit and otherwise break you. How do you fight against that? So, the question is, what can I do that is socially responsible that pays a reasonable salary? Damn, what's a girl to do...

Nice people scare the shit out of me. You know how you always hear about a pathetic little dude that hangs around someone who's "too nice" to tell him that he hates him. That's bull shit. I think it's the meanest thing in the world when you don't have the balls to tell someone how you really feel (I mean, do it tactfully, but DON'T LIE). You're just gonna hurt him all that much more. At least with me, you know where you stand. I may not make you feel all warm and fuzzy with pretty little LIES that mask how pitiful I think you are, but hopefully, you can take it.

7/19/01
What's with that movie, Planet of the Apes, and why is Marky Mark this government-trained hero that saves the humans. Does the White House just directly pay the movie industry to glorify what the U.S. government can do for you? Can we not have movies where one military/cop hero saves the world? The patriotism sickens me. And, I don't know, this movie just really reminds me of how white Americans used to think of blacks as evil, inferior creatures, no better than a bunch of apes. Hey, but the special effects look kinda cool.

7/16/01
I just had lunch with Dave today. I like him a lot. I used to have no idea why, but I think it's because he doesn't let me get away with my cockiness or my (very good) justifications. He's honest with me, no matter how brutal it might be. I respect that. We may have NOTHING else in common, but sincerity is something I respect most in the world. He's sincere (well, he can be a charming sweet-talker, but he doesn't do that to me. Although that's probably because I'd call him on it, but yeah.).

I had a dream/nightmare last night about this one girl that I always talk about when I explain why I hate girls. She was being her usual cruel self in the dream (i.e. trying to get all of her friends to hate me), and I woke up feeling kind of bad about myself. But, then I thought, it would be really easy to make her like me. It would be easy, but I could never fake friendship like that. I've never really been able to pretend that we're good old pals when I don't like someone. I mean, sometimes you just don't get along with someone, and that's OKAY. But, there are consequences to being straight-up and honest like that. If I incur the hatred of petty people, then that's cool. I no longer feel bad.

A Couple Weeks Before 7/16/01
I get a lot of attention from pedophiles. Recently, it's been freaking the hell out of me. I mean, I get fuckin' ambushed by old horny men on the bus. Well, one day some middle-aged construction worker smiled at me, and I smiled back, which made his grin even wider. It made me feel kind of dirty to be leered at like that, but...I like smiling at people. I don't care if pedophiles get off on it. Whatever I do, it'll be taken as encouragement, so screw them all. I refuse to take blame for being friendly and cheerful (those rare times that I am).

3/19/01
I'm happy, I'm rich, my whole life has basically been set up for success, I like myself, and I'm incredibly grateful for everything. I've got to be one of the luckiest people in the world. I have no idea what I'll do/be a few years down the line, but I know everything will turn out okay. Unlike most of the world, I can spend most of my time thinking about my happiness, rather than survival. Irvine may be THE most boring place to be when you're 20, but it gave me almost everything I need to be financially secure in the future. If you think about it, there's nothing more that I could need or want that hasn't been given to me. Now, what am I gonna do with all of that?

2/8/01
Sometimes, I wonder what I'm doing in college. I don't think that I really like it. I had so much fun over winter break, and that's what I want to do. I want to have little adventures. I want to decide one day that I'm going to Memphis, and the next day to buy a ticket for a 2 day bus ride. So, what the hell am I doing here. But, I also need college. I don't know how to get through my adult life without it. I could never see myself blue collar, or even low level white collar. I need a degree. But, I feel like I'm wasting the next year and a half of my life still going through the motions of school. All of my life, everything I've done has basically been geared towards getting a high-status, high-income career. I mean, Phil doesn't even think that I do anything significant with my life. All he values is ambition, and the life that you get being ambitious. That is the complete antithesis of what I want. Maybe I'm obsessed with money, but I don't think that it MEANS anything. So, what is it that I want in life. Fuck if I know.

A Long Time Ago
It's really hard for me to care about people. I'm REALLY careful about my feelings, but once you get through to that part of me, I can't close it back up again. It's just too hard. No matter what happens between us, I can't stop loving you. Fuck, I still even love my mom.

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