From dhuang@csua.berkeley.edu Thu Mar 26 02:14:15 1998
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Date: Thu, 26 Mar 1998 02:14:14 -0800 (PST)
From: dhuang@CSUA.Berkeley.EDU
To: enissley@hotmail.com
Subject: march madness
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hey nor,

i'm in the middle of my so-called "spring break," but i 
figure i should write you so you can get this before you 
move off into more technologically-challenged regions of 
the earth. by then i probably wouldn't have a chance to 
reach you.

anyway, how's the globetrotting been going? i hope 
you're still 'centered' and inspired by all the great 
architecture you see around you. ('cause i'm certainly 
not inspired at all...)

thus far, thesis is hell as usual, as expected. don't 
even get me started about our disastrous mid-review (cf. 
the Ides of March, which you might have heard about from 
others already). perhaps you've already heard that i'm 
not getting along too well with Renee Chow. Alex has 
started his countdown toward presentation date already 
(thirty days away from 24 April). there's so much left 
to do, and i don't know if I'm ever gonna finish. i'm 
certainly counting on the "filing-fee" option 'cause 
i'll get three extra months. summer school is another 
option, however, i really can't think beyond a week from 
now, let alone my future after school (which i should be 
doing). updating my sorry portfolio, photographing my 
stuff, getting job contacts here and in Seattle, and all 
the shit that i'm supposed to be doing at this point in 
time are distant concerns right now. absolutely nothing 
else exist in my life right now (not even KALX), and 
i'm hating it. thesis is sucking and eating away every 
minute and aspect of my life. it's like cancer. it's 
wantonly destroying everything, and for what? everything 
is so fucking chaotic that i don't know how a once 
semi-competent and reasonably responsible student like 
moi is getting himself into such a utterly fucked-up 
situation. i'm such a fucking loser. i don't even feel 
like i have friends anymore. i can't trust anyone in 
my section, not even Ken, not Biliana, or David, and 
certainly not Claire. i feel everyone around me is 
against me, like some sort of conspiracy (e.g., how 
come she, you-probably-know-who, didn't ask me to join 
them for dinner while she asked everyone else?) maybe 
i'm just being paranoid from all the stress. but you 
know what? merely doing my thesis is not the hard part. 
JUSTIFYING it seems almost impossible and a whole 
different matter. i feel that i've stumbled upon 
something much bigger than i can handle, and i don't 
have the capability to justify it adequately. i don't 
think i believe in my thesis, and i have doubts whether 
architecture is my calling in life (cf. that pastor who 
has lost all his faith in God and humanity in Ingmar 
Bergman's WINTER LIGHT, a very beautiful but depressing 
film, btw). unfortunately, i'm doing it now because i 
have to, not because i want to or because i want to 
learn something. (there are much better ways to learn
something.) i'm just going through the motions, and my 
soul (the first time I have used this phrase, btw) is 
not really behind it. it's a totally hollow and vacuous 
thesis.

sorry for my bitching. i just need to vent.  

hopefully my next message would be more positive.

take care.
yours always, etc.
dan

26 March 1998