---> November 29, 1993 <--- ============================================================== Top Ten Stores That Won't Do Much Business This Holiday Season ============================================================== 10. Price Gougers 9. Burt and Loni's Cozy Couple Shop 8. Toys "R" Defective 7. Every Item $7500 6. Crap Mart 5. The Really, Really, Really Limited 4. Hefty Lefties: The Store for Left-Handed Fat Guys 3. Gap for Bastards 2. Joey Buttafuoco's Auto Body Shop 1. Roseanne's Secret ---> November 30, 1993 <--- ==================================================== Top Ten Signs The Nanny You've Hired Is Really A Man ==================================================== 10. Constantly whining about prostate trouble 9. Name on driver's license reads "Walter Payton" 8. Can bench press 450 7. After changing baby's diapers, services your Jeep 6. Constantly adjusting herself 5. Has Adam's apple the size of a cue ball 4. On day off, appears on "Geraldo" 3. Knows a little too much about "Mork" 2. Winces whenever someone mentions Lorena Bobbitt 1. The Bea Arthur factor ---> December 1, 1993 <--- ===================================== Top Ten Signs The Theater Is Too Cold ===================================== 10. We're using flannel cue cards 9. Tonight's other guests have broken Sam Donaldson into pieces for kindling 8. Audience hardly laughing at top ten list 7. Madonna always performs on show fully clothed 6. Ed Sullivan looks fine even when we take him out of the cryogenic chamber for a couple hours 5. The rats are sluggish 4. My hairpiece becomes brittle and shatters when I laugh 3. After show I have to defrost my pants 2. Senator Packwood keeps his hands in his pockets 1. Davesicles ---> December 2, 1993 <--- ======================================================= Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Department Store Santa ======================================================= 10. He wears the Santa costume all year round 9. Tells salesgirls that "Me & Mrs. Claus have an understanding" 8. After every toy request says "Yeah, right" 7. Tries unsuccessfully to hide the fact that he's wearing handcuffs 6. Charges $5.95 for the first minute, $2.95 each additional minute 5. Every day around 10 A.M. throws up on the down escalator 4. Keeps sending elves out for more vermouth 3. Whether they want it or not, gives every kid a crewcut 2. Keeps reminiscing about his vice presidency under George Bush 1. He's packin' heat ---> December 3, 1993 <--- =================================================== Top Ten Good Things About Marrying Tom And Roseanne =================================================== 10. Guaranteed spot on "Geraldo" 9. In family Christmas card photo, you'll always be at the top of the pyramid 8. Two words: engagement tattoo 7. You have a say in who the three of you will marry next 6. They're really rich 5. On wedding night, you get to operate the winch 4. Finally satisfy your family who's been nagging you to settle down with some nice man and woman 3. Your very own five-inch section of the bed 2. When you marry Roseanne, you automatically get your own TV show 1. No leftover wedding cake Well, Dave is in reruns all this week, so I'm going to send the list from the appropriate show. Enjoy! ---> November 4, 1993 <--- ============================================ Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce "Newt Gingrich" ============================================ 10. Ging Newtrich 9. Gewt Ningrich 8. Nut Grinderswitch 7. Ghingis Newt 6. Mr. Goodwrench 5. Grinch Neutron 4. Newt Gringhers 3. Newtros Newtros-Gingy 2. El Newto Gingricho 1. Naginga!!! ---> September 1, 1993 <--- ============================================ Top Ten Signs Your New Job Isn't Working Out ============================================ 10. You have a desk, but no chair 9. Co-workers always punching you in the stomach 8. You see CBS chairman Larry Tisch having dinner with Conan O'Brien 7. You get stung by a bee. (Not really a sign your new job isn't working out, but just as upsetting) 6. You work for NASA and your title is "Executive in charge of space probe quality control" 5. After work, you go nuts and throw firecrackers into a crowd of people 4. Your company physical is scheduled with Dr. Kevorkian 3. People start saying maybe they should have elected your wife Hillary president 2. In your one-page performance report, the word "sucks" appears twelve times 1. Your office nickname : "Deadwood" ---> September 1, 1993 <--- *Supplemental List* ========================================== Top Ten Possible Names For Demi's New Baby ========================================== 10. Beavis 9. Forklift 8. Kemo Sabe 7. Ibuprofen 6. Siskel 5. Dr. Pepper 4. Marmaduke 3. Manute 2. Retsyn 1. Buttafuoco ---> December 13, 1993 <--- ======================================== Top Ten White House Christmas Traditions ======================================== 10. String lights on Al Gore 9. Pentagon scientists bring over a few of their genetically engineered elves 8. Official reception for all new Clinton brothers discovered during past year 7. Send Christmas card with photograph of family having great time in White House to George and Barbara Bush 6. Special hillbilly Santa with stringy beard and sack full of possum 5. Instead of burning a Yule log they set fire to bundles of tax dollars collected from hard-working Americans like you & me 4. Marine choir sings "Silent Night" while Senator Kennedy chugs bowl of egg nog 3. One lucky elf gets to spend the night with Hillary 2. "Santa" Packwood begs staff secretaries to sit on his lap 1. Two words: Tipper Nog ---> December 14, 1993 <--- ============================================================= Top Ten Things Overheard On Clinton's New York Shopping Spree ============================================================= 10. "Do you have any shorter jogging shorts?" 9. "I don't gotta pay for stuff! I'm the damn President!" 8. "Begging the Presidents pardon but the 'high fallutin gizmo' is called an electric razor." 7. "Blitzen, Bubba. Bubba, Blitzen." 6. "You got any of them coffee mugs with 'Gennifer' on it?" 5. "Boy, New York City is really great this time of -- Hey, my wallet!" 4. "Mr. President, are you gonna watch Dave get shaved tonight?" (Dave grew a beard over his vacation last week, and had it shaved on the air this evening.) 3. "Look out, that's no elf that's Perot..." 2. "Mr. President, my name's Dan Quayle and I'll be your waiter tonight." 1. "Off my lap, tubby!" ---> December 16, 1993 <--- ========================================= Top Ten Real Reasons Les Aspin Is Leaving ========================================= 10. Kept calling Clinton "President Bubba" 9. The nation's Defense Secretary shouldn't be scared to death of spiders 8. One word: Amway 7. Said he was "tired of hanging with a bunch of losers" 6. Don't ask, don't tell 5. Guilty admission that he'd stolen a hundred pairs of Clinton's shoes 4. Seening "Mrs. Doubtfire" made him aware of life options he never knew existed 3. Started every cabinet meeting by yelling, "Let's bomb the crap out of Canada!" 2. He and Lorena are going to try it again 1. Offered more money by CBS ---> December 15, 1993 <--- ===================================================== Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump Will Make A Good Husband ===================================================== 10. Carries MasterCard, Visa, and American Express 9. Tests show kids raised in casinos tend to be caring, responsible adults 8. Is it just me, or is he the most huggable thing this side of JFK Jr.? 7. He's a refined gentleman who keeps his personal life out of the press 6. Weasels mate for life 5. In 1987, paid Billy Dee Williams $10 million to teach him everything there is to know about kissing 4. The "Trump Shuttle", if you know what I mean 3. The pre-nuptial agreement is written in very romantic language 2. His bimbo girlfriends can double as babysitters 1. His pasty white thighs (During the opening monologue, Dave made a joke about Bill Clinton and his "pasty white thighs," and Paul created a song and sang it throughout the show.) ---> December 17, 1993 <--- =================================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At The CBS Christmas Party =================================================== 10. "Look at Angela Lansbury...'Blotto, She Wrote'." 9. "I'm sorry I dozed off, Mr. Rooney. Now what were you saying about how hard it is to open milk cartons?" 8. "Oh my God, that was no pinata -- that was really Walter Cronkite!" 7. "No fair! Morley Safer's hogging the karaoke machine!" 6. "More fudge Mr. Kuralt?" 5. "The dwarf who plays Murphy Brown's baby is sure putting away the booze!" 4. "Every year it's the same thing -- Letterman has a couple of drinks and breaks out his fiddle." 3. "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman is giving turn-your-head-&-cough tests in the back room!" 2. "Now there's a switch -- Mike Wallace is exposing himself!" 1. "They used our Christmas bonuses to pay that idiot Letterman!" ---> December 20, 1993 <--- ============================================= Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Christmas Tree ============================================= 10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide 9. Salesman's opening line: "Your're not a cop, are you?" 8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it 7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride 6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it 5. Keeps heckling why you try to do a lame top ten list (The Christmas tree next to Dave says, "You suck Letterman, you really suck!") 4. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it 3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours 2. Some guy named Mujibar puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it (The famed Mujibar from the gift shop next to the theater, placed a Statue of Liberty model on the top of Dave's tree for Christmas) 1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size" ---> December 22, 1993 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Inaccuracies About The White House ========================================== 10. The President's 1974 Plymouth Duster is up on blocks on the White House lawn 9. Dee Dee Myers' real name: Dee Dee Dee Dee Myers 8. White House has illegal hook-up for HBO 7. No red "hotline" phone to Domino's 6. Forty people on staff just to say "Lookin' good, Mr. President" 5. Al Gore not allowed on good furniture 4. Lincoln bedroom doubles as Socks' litter box 3. Michael Jackson was hiding there for a while 2. Yes, we met Letterman, all he did was drink the egg nog (The same clip of Dave sitting on a couch and drinking egg nog from a punch bowl was shown again) 1. Everywhere you look: Big Mac wrappers ---> December 21, 1993 <--- ============================================= Top Ten Things Overheard At The Trump Wedding ============================================= 10. "Mother Theresa -- Nipsey Russel; Nipsey Russel -- Mother Theresa." 9. "What do you mean my credit's no good here? I'm the groom!" 8. "Wow, Boutros Boutros-Ghali can really put away the Rob Roys!" 7. "That pre-nuptial agreement is signed, right? Okay, then I do." 6. "On no, Liz Taylor caught the bouquet!" 5. "I'm sorry, but there is no more cake, Mr. Limbaugh." 4. "How much longer before I get half of everything?" 3. "Whose turn is it to heimlich Sharpton?" (After reading number 3, Dave's Christmas tree says, "Number 3 sucks!") 2. "Look at Letterman alone on the couch chugging egg nog!" (A clip is shown of Dave sitting on a couch drinking egg nog from a punch bowl) 1. "It's Ivana and she's got a steak knife!" ---> December 23, 1993 <--- ======================================== Top Ten Christmas Movies In Times Square ======================================== 10. The Stocking Stuffer 9. Prancer and Dancer Meet Lancer 8. Live On Stage! Bob Cratchitt and Mrs. Cratchitt Doing It! 7. The Night the Grinch Stole a Guy's Wallet on the D Train 6. Up Santa's Chimney (Santa was sitting in the audience, and after Dave read this one, Santa yelled, "Screw you, Letterman!" and left the theater) 5. Miracle on 69th Street 4. Frosty the Butt Man 3. Rotating Pies (Dave had clips of a rotating pie display from a diner playing all evening) 2. The Nutcrackers 1. That Ain't Egg Nog! ---> December 27, 1993 <--- =================================== Top Ten Signs It's Cold In New York =================================== 10. Pickpockets put hands in strangers' pockets to keep warm 9. You can walk across frozen East River, and see dozens of mob informants beneath you 8. Taxi drivers wear turbans with ear flaps 7. Mike Wallace and Morley Safer are constantly hugging 6. The hookers have on long-johns 5. Chemicals that make up the Hudson River have congealed into a thick greenish paste 4. Whenever a bike messenger gets hit by a cab, he shatters into a million tiny pieces 3. Headline in New York Post: Man Stabbed in Midtown for CBS Earmuffs (Dave dialed up the bank of pay phones down the street from the theater and had two people run down to meet him inside. Because of the cold, he gave one of them a set of earmuffs with the CBS logo on each ear) 2. You can see people's breath when they yell "Screw you!" 1. Everyone's wearing pants ---> December 28, 1993 <--- ========================== Top Ten Ways Santa Relaxes ========================== 10. Tours with his good buddy Jerry Garcia 9. Hint: It involves a bowling ball and ten elves 8. Carnival Cruise with Kathie Lee 7. Does "Fat Odd Couple" with Marlon Brando at Tahiti Dinner Theatre 6. Stuffs Mrs. Claus' stockings, if you know what I mean 5. Cuts costs for next Christmas by exchanging his stockpile of guns for toys 4. Has Arkansas state police rustle him up some babes 3. Eats Cheetos until his entire beard is orange 2. Two words: Strip joints! (After reading this one, Dave shows a clip of Santa Claus entering the strip joint down the street from the theater) 1. Jacuzzi full of egg nog ---> December 29, 1993 <--- ======================================================= Top Ten Things Overheard On Clinton's Duck Hunting Trip ======================================================= 10. "Will that wounded duck be eligible for your health care plan?" 9. "Boy this is fun! You now, it really ought to be easier for people to get guns." 8. "Hi there, little feller! Quack for Uncle Bubba." 7. "It would be a shame if we accidentally downed a couple of big-mouthed state troopers." 6. "You look great in that negligee. By the way, Hillary thinks I'm duck hunting." 5. "Mr. President, Domino's says they can't deliver to a duck blind." 4. "Trust me, Roger, it'll be funny. Just put on the duck hat and run around in the weeds." 3. "When you're shooting, just think of them as Ross Perot." 2. "Let's shoot Gore in the ass and see if he flinches." 1. "Get me some coffee, Dukakis!" ---> December 30, 1993 <--- ================================================= Top Ten Signs You're Not Getting A Year-End Bonus ================================================= 10. Boss says "Nice work, Johnson", but your name isn't Johnson 9. Your desk and stapler are sold for scrap 8. You work for a company called "No Year-End Bonuses, Inc." 7. Boss keeps saying "There's always that Publishers Clearinghouse thing" 6. You're the CBS guy who said, "Don't worry, there's no way we can lose the rights to NFL football" 5. You're the Director of Safety for Amtrak 4. The boss hands everyone bonus envelopes, but yours says "For display purposes only" 3. Year end review includes words like "dolt" and "jackass" 2. You're the only Connecticut State Trooper who hasn't written Letterman a ticket 1. You're Michael Jackson's P.R. guy ---> December 31, 1993 <--- **To assist in this Top Ten List, Dave brought out the Top Ten Backup Singers, a trio, who sang each number before Dave read the item** ========================================= Top Ten Least Popular Alcoholic Beverages ========================================= 10. Really, Really, Really, Really Old Milwaukee 9. D-Train Scotch 8. Amaretto Di Gotti 7. Orville Redenbacher's Butter-Flavored Vodka 6. McBourbon 5. Dinty Moore's Pork N' Booze 4. Ernest, Julio, Tom and Roseanne Gallo 3. Dr. Scholl's Medicated Tequila 2. Seagrams 7, Mets 0 1. Chivas Regis The following list was read by Dave at "The 16th Annual Kennedy Center Honors" on December 29, 1993. Thanks to David Silver and Kyle Cain for sending this list to me. ---> December 29, 1993 <--- =================================== Top Ten Things We Miss About Johnny =================================== 10. Got laughs without cheap gimmicks like top ten list 9. Carnac more entertaining than Psychic Friends Network 8. Always gave 110% despite backbreaking 3-day workweek 7. The way he'd sometimes get confused and accidentally pay me alimony 6. Did ground breaking "cut off your Slauson" jokes years before anyone had ever heard of Lorena Bobbitt 5. When he's dressed as Aunt Blabby he's a really good kisser 4. The way he'd sometimes swat Ed with a rolled newspaper whenever Ed belched up gin 3. Thirty-five years on the air and he never once said "Buttafuoco" 2. The admirable way he never switched networks just for a bigger paycheck 1. His "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding Doc This list was read by Bob Costas on the Late Show on December 22, 1993. Thanks to Nick Monitto and Sepi K. for sending this to me. ---> December 22, 1993 <--- =========================================== Top 10 Reasons I [Bob Costas] Stayed at NBC =========================================== 10. Love to carpool with Willard 9. Peacock tattoo on inner thigh deemed unremovable 8. NBC's new "don't ask, don't tell" policy 7. Three simple words: Pro Beach Volleyball 6. I love weasels! 5. NBC promised to let me play Hoss in the next "Bonanza" remake 4. I'll be anchoring Nightly News next week when that stiff Brokaw gets canned 3. Promised myself I wouldn't leave until I nailed all of the Golden Girls 2. Doesn't everyone believe loyalty is more important than money, Dave? 1. Wait -- I stayed at NBC? Damn! What was I thinking? ---> January 3, 1993 <--- ======================================== Top Ten Clinton's New Year's Resolutions ======================================== 10. Prove that Domino's violated Constitution by stopping 30-minute delivery policy 9. Finally tell Hillary about him and Janet Reno 8. See if the Neptunian Galaxy Masters have any new orders for him 7. Disband Air Force One Mile-High Club 6. Drop Gennifer Flowers from MCI "Friends and Family" plan 5. Call Perot in middle of night, yell "Que pasa, little man?" and hang up 4. Gently break news to Reagan that he doesn't live in the White House more 3. Change Socks' litter box daily 2. Change Roger's litter box daily 1. Summit with Ronald McDonald ---> January 4, 1993 <--- ======================================================= Top Ten Things Overheard At Barbara Streisand's Concert ======================================================= 10. "I hand in 14 guns and all I get is one stinkin' ticket" 9. "People...people who get $5 million per concert...are the luckiest people" 8. "Funny Girl Nachos here. Get your Funny Girl Nachos" 7. "I'm Mark Russel, and I do a version of that song called 'You Don't Send Me Gennifer Flowers'" 6. "Enjoying the show, Bubbles?" 5. "Hey -- at these prices, I can only afford to hear her every 20 years" 4. "What's Giuliani's kid doing onstage?" 3. "Look who's crying in the front row -- it's that sissy Letterman!" (Dave is shown crying in the audience, wiping his eyes with a tissue) 2. "Oh, boy -- she's putting on the fake beard! It must be time for the ZZ Top Medley!" 1. "Lookout! Parachute guy!" ---> January 5, 1994 <--- ============================================================== Top Ten Words That Sound Great When Spoken By James Earl Jones ============================================================== **As read by James Earl Jones himself!** 10. Mellifluous 9. Verisimiltude 8. Guppy 7. Stolichnaya 6. Boutros-Boutros Ghali 5. Neo-Synephrine 4. Pinhead 3. Mujibar and Sirajul 2. Heebie-Jeebies 1. Oprah ---> January 6, 1994 <--- ===================================== Top Ten Dave's New Year's Resolutions ===================================== 10. Breakfast, lunch and dinner: Cheese-filled weenies 9. Raise financial backing for my one man ice show -- "Davecapades!" 8. Turn in Uzi for shiny new bicycle 7. Tape all the NFL games on CBS 6. Return camera number 3 to NBC (Here, Dave shows camera number 3 -- with an NBC logo on the side) 5. Stop laughing every time I say "The Fox Network" 4. Have applause sign installed in my bedroom 3. To always remain loyal to this fine network -- unless another network comes up with some more money 2. Learn to teeterboard nude (This entry is completed with a clip of senior citizens teeterboarding naked) 1. Four words: Mrs. Kathie Lee Letterman ---> January 7, 1994 <--- ======================================== Top Ten Good Things About Having The Flu ======================================== 10. "Sister Act 2" actually entertaining when viewed with a high fever 9. Sometimes it's just nice to be "clammy" 8. Can use forehead to warm dinner rolls 7. If you're an actor, and you're playing a guy who sneezes a lot, say hello to Oscar! 6. Fact that you're teeming with parasites makes you feel like Cher 5. If your temperature goes up to 106, you can bring the thermometer to radio station "Kiss 106" and get a free "Kiss 106" bumper sticker 4. Can spend day in front of TV and lose yourself in Oprah 3. If you ask politely, mailman will rub Vick's Vaporub into your chest 2. Get to stay at home and do what you really want (Here, a clip is shown of Dave at home, throwing axes at a wall) 1. Getting gooned on NyQuil ---> January 10, 1994 <--- ================================= Top Ten Signs You Have A Dumb Cat ================================= 10. Instead of purring, makes sound like a stalling Cessna 9. Only seems content when suction-cupped to your car's rear window 8. Believes he's related to Kitty Dukakis 7. Becomes hypnotized whenever Ross Perot is on Larry King 6. Gets between the President and a plate of nachos (Socks only) 5. When playing "Jeopardy", always forgets to phrase answers in the form of a question 4. Let Fox network get NFL Football 3. Believes the Trump marriage will last for years to come 2. No matter how many times you explain it, he can't understand the Clapper (Dave is shown with his cat on the couch, clapping his hands as the lamp next to him goes on and off, telling the cat how it works) 1. Ask to be neutered by Bob Barker personally ---> January 11, 1994 <--- =========================== Top Ten Videotape Leftovers =========================== **Well, the only way to get the full effect of this list is to see the episode. I'll try to explain the clips that were shown...** 10. Christmas at Dave's house (Dave sitting on his couch, drinking egg nog from a huge punch bowl, getting most of it all over the front of himself) 9. Dave plays his fiddle (A guy that sort of looks like Dave playing a violin, singing "Camptown Races) 8. Dave gets electrocuted (Dave is in the basement of the theater, standing in front of some wiring, and asks the person he's with, "Do you think that's grounded?" He then grabs the wire, sparks fly out of it and he screams) 7. Tommy Lasorda swimming laps (Mr. Lasorda swimming laps in a pool, complete with goggles and flippers) 6. Dave relaxing at home (Dave is at home throwing axes into a wall) 5. Dave gets electrocuted again (Dave is hooked up to electrodes, and the screen displays "9 x 6". Dave answers, "96", and he's electrocuted) 4. Paul caught in ceiling fan (Paul is hanging onto two blades of a spinning ceiling fan) 3. Dave in the early 70's (It's a picture of some very creepy looking guy that sort of looks like Dave, taken in the early 70's) 2. Dave gets electrocuted again (Dave is sitting at a kitchen table, eating corn on the cob which is plugged into an electrical outlet) 1. Vice President Al Gore says... (Buttafuoco) ---> January 12, 1994 <--- ======================================= Top Ten Signs Your Shop Teacher Is Nuts ======================================= 10. Drinks two gallons of marine varnish a week 9. Begins every sentence with "Back when I was sane..." 8. Shouts "Watch this -- You don't need a hammer if you have a steel plate in your skull" 7. Same project, semester after semester: Make your own coffin 6. Favorite game: Fill my pants with sawdust 5. Guns 'N' Roses recorded one of his songs 4. He's built himself a plywood girlfriend 3. If someone loses a finger, everyone loses a finger 2. Arranges bandsaw safety demonstration by Lorena Bobbitt 1. Calls the drill press "mommy" ---> January 13, 1994 <--- ============================================= Top Ten Things Overheard At The Bobbitt Trial ============================================= 10. "Who ordered the Diet Slice?" 9. "Could Your Honor instruct juror no. 4 to stop giggling?" 8. "Mr. Bobbitt, please rise" 7. "I paid $500 for this ticket, now deemed, I want to see Streisand sing!" 6. "What's Andrew Giuliani doing here?" 5. "One million bucks. All you've gotta do is say you used a Ginsu" 4. "Mr. Bobbitt, I'm with the Velcro Corporation, and we've got an idea for an ad" 3. "If President Clinton were here I bet he'd be eating fries" (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 2. "I said, place your HAND on the bible" 1. "Look out, Lorena's got the gavel!" ---> January 14, 1994 <--- =========================================================== Top Ten Things Gore Does When Clinton Is Out Of The Country =========================================================== 10. Cruises around in Air Force One picking up chicks 9. Waits patiently at White House gate like a lonely Labrador Retriever 8. Plays Tic Tac Toe with cabs (Earlier, Dave and Paul were on the top floor of the theater. They had megaphones and were directing cabs with large X's and O's painted on their roofs to the appropriate squares on a Tic Tac Toe board painted on the street) 7. Same as when Clinton's in the country: Spends day using massive head to bust coconuts 6. Give out hams! (Dave gave out canned hams to lucky audience members all evening) 5. Slaps around George Stephanopoulos 4. Puts on giant mouse costume and scares the hell out of Socks 3. Breaks into Clinton's secret stash of Presidential fries (The same animation of Clinton's head and french fries spinning around to the music of "2001" was played) 2. Calls Dan Quayle's house and says "Is the genius there?" 1. Practices the ol' pocket veto ---> January 17, 1994 <--- ================================================================ Top Ten Signs You've Hired The Wrong Kid To Shovel Your Driveway ================================================================ 10. Doesn't seem sure which end of shovel to use 9. He's over 80 and has a Medic Alert bracelet 8. Won't stop bragging about his custom-made six-fingered gloves 7. Says his shovel broke, asks you for a vacuum cleaner and an extension cord 6. Midway through the job he puts on a bear suit and starts hailing cabs (All evening Dave had a guy in a bear suit hailing cabs in New York City) 5. Whenever you aren't looking, he takes a whack at your knees 4. Has 84 gift certificates from Toys 'R' Us 3. He's too busy disrupting dad's inauguration speech to finish 2. You get a half-hearted recommendation from his wife, Marilyn Quayle 1. Doesn't finish till mid-July ---> January 18, 1994 <--- ====================================================== Top Ten Reasons Clinton Is Glad To Be Back In The U.S. ====================================================== 10. Time difference made it too hard to stay up for "American Gladiators" 9. It was real damn scary being out in the world without his kitty cat 8. Excited to see how much he can get for the Faberge Eggs he swiped from the Kremlin 7. Europeans are less polite about lousy saxophone playing 6. Good old American French Fries! (The animation of President Clinton's head and a box of french fries, revolving to the "2001" music, was played here) 5. Gore's 24-hour feeder almost empty 4. European bathrooms had some kind of weird sink for midgets 3. Good old American French Fries! (The same animation was played here) 2. Didn't want to miss any more of Court TV's coverage of the Bobbitt trial 1. Russian women look like Bob Dole ---> January 19, 1994 <--- ================================ Top Ten Signs It's Too Damn Cold ================================ 10. Youngsters trading in handguns for Isotoner Gloves 9. Dan Rather doing news fron Connie's lap 8. Only 300 people left alive on east coast 7. It's actually nice when a guy rubs up against you on the subway 6. Times Square hookers charge $20 just to blow on your hands 5. Last night, for a full twenty seconds, Bea Arthur stopped sweating 4. Portions of Al Sharpton have been closed 3. President Clinton chipped a tooth on a french fry (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of french fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 2. Andrew Giuliani restricted to annoying people indoors 1. Trump's using a de-icer on Marla ---> January 20, 1994 <--- ===================================================================== Top Ten Things Overheard At The Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame Inductions ===================================================================== 10. "Bono, Yoko. Yoko, Bono" 9. "I'm sorry, but no one under 18 will be admitted unless they're Bill Wyman's date" 8. "Jerry Garcia couldn't make it tonight -- here to accept on his behalf is a bearded fat guy we pulled in off the street" 7. "Is that feedback or is Yoko Ono singing?" 6. "Here, take Cesar Romero's seat" 5. "How did Tonya Harding get voted in?" 4. "What a coincidence, Mr. McCartney! I played you in the Chicago cast of 'Beatlemania', and now I'm your waiter!" 3. "On no, they're letting Letterman perform!" (Here they showed the now famous clip of a guy that looks like Dave playing the violin and singing "Camptown Races") 2. "Earthquake! Oh wait, Meat Loaf just fell off his chair" 1. "Run for your life it's Elton John's hair!" ---> January 21, 1994 <--- ========================================== Top Ten Questions Larry King Asked Clinton ========================================== 10. "Boxers or briefs?" 9. "What's the strangest place you and the missus have made whoopie?" 8. "Is that Bobby Ray Inman nuts or what?" 7. "Would you like to touch my suspenders?" 6. "Should I ask you the questions, or put them directly to Hillary?" 5. "You jog every day. You're fat. What gives?" 4. "Under your Health Care Plan, would I be eligible for a pair of less dorky eyeglasses?" 3. "Hey, Bubba, more fries?" (Dave had an animation of Clinton's head and a box of french fries spinning around to the music from the film "2001") 2. "Why can't Letterman just pay his tolls like a normal person?" (Poor Dave forgot his money to pay tolls on his way to work on Thursday, and while he was filling out papers to get through, a kind woman paid for him, who appeared on the show this evening. Dave reimbursed her for one token, and one extra for being so kind.) 1. "Want Perot to bring you a soda?" Well, Dave was a rerun this evening. Here was the list which originally aired on October 6, 1993. ---> October 6, 1993 <--- ============================================= Top Ten Ways To Annoy A Supreme Court Justice ============================================= 10. Say things like, "Hey, it's one o'clock in the afternoon, why the hell are you still in your robe?" 9. Eat exhibit A 8. Switch gavel with grand piano; Sit back and watch him try to pick up a grand piano 7. Whenever there's a quiet moment during a case, groan "Boooooring" 6. When he sentences you to life in prison, just yell "screw off," leave the courtroom, go have a nice afternoon at the movies 5. Shortsheet his robe 4. Keep asking, "Where's Rusty?" 3. He says, "Approach the bench." You say, "Approach this!" 2. Ask him to find a legal precedent that exempts talk show hosts from all posted speeds on the Hutchinson River Parkway 1. Release the robe chiggers Dave is in reruns all week. Here's the list which originally aired on October 25, 1993. ---> October 25, 1993 <--- =========================================================== Top Ten Reasons Canada Keeps Beating Us in the World Series =========================================================== 10. French baseball chatter very disorienting 9. U.S. players get sleepy after standing through two national anthems 8. Special enzyme in Canadian bacon that turns players into game-winning zombies 7. American teams discouraged by Clinton's new RBI tax 6. All our secret plays are being funneled to them by that weasel Paul Shaffer 5. Exchange rate makes Canadian runs worth more 4. Stirring pre-game talks, which always end with "Win one for Lorne Green" 3. They don't bother to use actual Canadians 2. Let's face it -- we're a bunch of "hosers" 1. Those damn Mountie umpires ---> November 8, 1993 <--- ============================= Top Ten Parachute Guy Excuses ============================= 10. Was gooned on Nyquil 9. Life's dream was to make Marv Albert's blooper reel 8. El Nino! 7. Was trying to do that E.T. space-bicycle thing 6. Heard Meat Loaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love" one time too many 5. Got wrong address for "Parachute-O-Gram" 4. Three words: Too much Pepsi 3. Publicity stunt for new adventure series called "Superdork" 2. Upset by Ted/Whoopi breakup 1. Head 98% bone The Late Show is in reruns all week. Here's the list: ---> September 17, 1993 <--- ================================================= Top Ten Highlights Of Clinton's Health-Care Plan ================================================= 10. Al Gore: Band-Aid Czar 9. Every American man, woman and child gets a free cough drop! 8. If you give 10 bucks to the janitor at the organ bank, he'll let you touch the livers 7. Anyone with 20/20 vision can now collect royalties from the tv show "20/20" 6. No more plastic surgery for Nancy Reagan 5. All medical bills sent to Ross Perot 4. You break the record for all-time highest body temperature -- you keep the thermometer 3. Roger Clinton can write his own prescriptions 2. "Turn your head & cough" exam to be administered by the Gabor sister of your choice 1. Two words: sneeze tax Dave was in reruns this week. Here's the list: ---> October 28, 1993 <--- ============================================= Top Ten Signs Leona Helmsley Is Rehabilitated ============================================= 10. No longer seen jumping subway turnstiles 9. Visits elementary schools teaching youngsters how to cheat on their taxes 8. Four words: She's a hugging machine 7. All rooms in her hotels are now free! Seriously! Call 1-800-HELMSLEY right now to reserve yours! 6. Always arrives on time for weekly face lift 5. Before she was released, returned three dozen stolen towels to prison laundry 4. Mumbled "sorry" after coldcocking the doorman 3. Is receiving counseling for her addiction to mascara 2. Has removed the word "bitch" from her resume 1. Counts to ten, then slaps the houseboy ---> January 31, 1994 <--- ============================================================= Top Ten Things Buffalo Bills Coach Marv Levy Said At Halftime ============================================================= 10. "We won! Wooo! We're Super Bowl champs!" 9. "Boy, I'm sleepy. You guys sleepy?" 8. "We've got a long trip home after the game, so I don't want anyone wearing themselves out" 7. "Now get out there and rest on your laurels!" 6. "Hey, Kelly. Leave some champagne for everyone else!" 5. "What do you mean there's two more quarters?" 4. "Let's plan exactly how you're gonna dump the Gatorade on me" 3. "Okay, boys -- get out there and start sucking!" 2. "Wait a minute, if we win, we have to go to Disneyland" 1. "Hey fellas, more fudge?"