Bears / Oski, beloved Cal mascot since 1941, returns to the wild
Declaring that "Berkeley is no place for a bear," Oski abruptly resigned Friday as Cal's curiously humanoid standard-bearer. "I feel I've awoken from a long hibernation," explained the erstwhile ursine booster. Campus animal rights activists hailed the move. More >

Faculty / UC, CU in blockbuster player trade
The placid rituals of spring training were disrupted by the announcement of an exchange of superstars between perennial overachiever UC Berkeley and scrappy underdog Colorado University. In a straight-up trade of marquee names, Berkeley will send right-handed flamethrower John Yoo to Colorado in exchange for CU's lefty spitballer Ward Churchill. More >

Budget / Bergeneaus to open B&B in University House
Following recent state budget cuts, Chancellor Robert Burgineau and his wife, Mary Catherine, announced that they will be opening a bed-and-breakfast facility at their residence, University House, to pay for its continued upkeep. One night in a tastefully appointed "Burgenau Bears" room: $189. Hot-tubbing with the big guy: Priceless. More >

Administration / He's coming! Harvard's Summers appointed new dean of women
Embattled Harvard University President Lawrence Summers has accepted an offer to become Dean of Women at UC Berkeley. Campus spokeswoman Ivanu Neujob said it's believed certain "innate abilities" would permit Summers to "deal with" Berkeley's distaff instructors. More >

Bureaucracy / 50-year plan for committee growth to have minimal impact on sewer services, study finds
A new report by the Committee on Faculty Committees maintains that a visionary proposal for Regents-mandated committee proliferation is "not yet ripe" for specific mitigation measures, but foresees "ample opportunities" for further community review as project details materialize. More >

Students / Ambidextrous genius named University Medalist
Triple major Doan Loocatmephunni began his campaign for University Medalist at the age of four as an understudy to Mother Teresa. In high school he invented an underwater cell phone and then led a hostile takeover of his school board. At Berkeley he sports a GPA of 6.3, which "would be higher except for that business ethics course I totally blew." More >

Genetics / Cats actually smarter than dogs, researcher reports
In a surprising twist, a new study of companion animals shows that cats are twice as capable as dogs of understanding voice commands. Research by animal behaviorist Phelan Fürré found that cats — when they felt like it — outperformed dogs at executing complex, coordinated tasks such as opening doors, windows, and Tupperware containers. More >

Nomenclature / L&S reorg punctuated by dispute
The College of Letters & Science has announced its pending reorganization, consolidating its current four divisions into just two: The College of Those Who Think "Letters" and "Science" Should Be Conjoined by an Ampersand, and a College of Those Who Think That’s Really, Really Dumb. More >

Politics / Lakoff announces he's switching parties
After an unexplained weeklong absence, cognitive linguistics professor George Lakoff announced that he would be changing his party affiliation to the GOP. Lakoff, a prominent Democratic consultant, denied rumors that he had been held captive by Republican strategist Karl Rove, claiming the two families often vacation together in Guantanamo Bay. "What he said about self-discipline finally started to resonate," Lakoff said. "Also, I just couldn't stop thinking of an elephant." More >

Awards / Three more Berkeley Nobelists discovered; 'That was one dusty lab,' marvels dean