i had a bio 1b midterm the next morning. i was running on low hours of sleep, because i had recently had a philosophy logic problem set due, some o-chem stuff to do, and lord knows my time management skills were out of wack, especially with my rambunctious dorm friends to help me waste time. sure, i could have started studying in the early evening and actually slept more than one or two hours a night, but no, why woudl i do that, when i could just hang out with my friends until about midnight, and start studying then?

but i think that this week, i was actually being studious. i was keeping hanging out to a minimum, because i was scared to death that i was going to do poorly in this bio class, in that ochem class (ah crap! i needed these two for my pre-med path! if i don't do well, i won't have a competitive gpa, i won't get into med school, i won't be a doctor, i'll be a failure! right? whatev.), in that phil class (this is for my major.. if i can't do this, i can't be a philosophy major.. what will i do.. what will i do.. *start panic mode*).

let me stop right here and bring his story to an abrupt halt to say these wise words: it doesn't matter! for all you pre-meds out there - it's okay if you screw up one, hell, maybe more than one class for your pre-med courses. what matters is that you want to be a doctor.and don't let some stupid number like a gpa keep you from attaining your goal. if you really want it, then you'll really get it. honestly. and philosophy majors, if logic is kicking your butt - it's okay, because kant will only be worse! haha. suckas.

well anyways, it was about 5am and patty was walking by the study lounge on her way to the bathroom to take a shower, and peeped in, surprised to see someone studying. lo and behold, it was the nerdy girl from the corner room.

"dude jeannie, go to sleep. when's your midterm?"
"at 8."
"you're ready! go get some rest."
"no, i can't. i have to study. i'm not done."
"you're crazy" and she disappeared into the communal bathroom. ha, yeah, maybe i was.

i stared at my flashcards as i popped another caffeine pill. good lord, there were so many. why do we have to learn about xylem and phloem anyway? this is just retarded. why do i need this to be a doctor? ugh... about an hour later i throw in the towel, leave all my things sitting in their miserable disarray on that study hall table and crawl miserably into bed. i set the alarm clock and am out in two seconds.

i suddenly open my eyes after what feels like about 2 seconds worth of rest. something's wrong.

i look at the alarm clock. what the - no way. it can't be. are you serious? no way.

holy crap. it is.

my analog read: 9:00. no way. NO WAY.

the midterm was over. i had slept through the whole stinkin' midterm.

screw being considerate to my other two sleeping roommates. i got up and started freaking out, "oh crap, what am i going to do, what am i going to do, now i'm really goign to fail that class - holy crap, i've never failed a class before! am i not going ot med shcool? of course i'm not - because i missed that stinkin' midterm!!"

suddenly, a stroke of genius. i remember the syllabus saying that a midterm will be excused and the grades will be prorated if there is medical reason. i throw on a sweatshirt, warmups, and head out the door.

on my walk down to the tang center, i tried to convince myself that i was sick. i can say that my floormates and i had a late dinner last night and it must have been food poisoning. i woke up in time, but i couldn't make it.. i couldn't make it.. i couldn't get out of bed. yeah, that's good.. i couldn't get out of bed. no, i got out but started throwing up. no, that's too severe, they might make me take some medicine. yeah, so i just couldnt' get out of bed..

whoever said placebo is bull is bull himself. by the time i made the three block walk to the tang center, i was seriously feeling sick and like the worst piece of crap alive. i was in the 'emergency room' for about 2 hours before someone saw me.

i sat there in the small closet-size room, staring at the 'go cal!' posters and despising the fact that i came to this huge university, whose sole purpose was to squeeze money out of people who can't afford it and then kick them out the door, telling them that their dreams are too big for their capabilities - in other words, that they're idiots and not worth the time of day. hey, i had just missed a midterm - so i'm a bit bitter.

some woman comes in and asks me what's wrong. i told her i wasn't feeling that well, and before i could recite my carefully thought-out story, she asks me when the last time i had sex was. dumbfounded, i stuttered out, "never...?" she asked me if i took drugs, when was the last time i had my period, etc etc. finally she asked me how my sleeping and eating habits have been, and i told her i got about 10 hours of sleep in the past five days or so. she looked up, peered at me with a raised eyebrow, and quietly excused herself as she left the closet-room.

a few minutes later, there is a gentle knock on the door. i break my gaze with the obnoxiously happy cal student on the poster that advertised calday, and see a different nicely dressed lady, except this time she made eye contact and had a warm smile. she introduced herself, and i forgot her name, but she smelled like this flowery perfume. her voice was so gentle and calming.

"so i hear that you haven't been sleeping well?"
"well, yeah, i've had midterms and problem sets due.. and i had to work.."
"you work, too?"
"yeah, as a security monitor in the dorm."
"mmhmm.. and what is that like?"
"well, there aren't that many hours, but they're all in the evening, so sometimes i'm up working until 3am. but it's okay, because i am allowed to study while i work, but i don't really get any work done because so many people are coming in and out.."
"i see."

she scribbles something down on her paper. "jeannie, i think all you need is some rest. your body is telling you to slow down - it can't handle what you're putting it through."

her kind voice, my frazzled state of mind, the fact that i had just missed a midterm - it was all too much. i could feel the tears forming.

"so, i can write something for you to prove that you had medical reasons for missing your midterm this morning, but why don't you take a look at this and visit social services."

social wha? was this woman saying i was crazy?

"maybe they can teach you some time management, some ways to put your life back in order."

i couldn't believe it. this kind-voice lady who smelled like flowers thought jeannie rhee was crazy, after talking to her for about 5 minutes. no, less.

she left soon after that. i sat there, completely confused as i looked at that slip of paper that had social services checked off and a phone number that she had written down, so i could schedule an appointment.

when i told my dorm friends that i had been recommended to social services, they all broke out into laughter. i soon joined them.

i never did call social services. maybe that woman was wrong. or, maybe i'm just in denial. but it doesn't matter, really. i think we're all crazy, to a certain extent. like, take that homeless man who always said "god bless you" to students as he stood in the alley way, asking for change. also, take the example of my friend who took back her boyfriend after he hurt her so much by cheating on her repeatedly. and it's true, i guess it does take a person who is slightly off to want to use caffeine pills to stay awake for a few days in order to study for some stupid weeder-course midterms that are designed to make the students fail, anyways.

but does that mean we all need to see social services? no, i think we just need to alter the normalcy par just a bit, just enough for me to believe that i'm not crazy.

i mean, for cryin' out loud, let a girl believe, at least.