TITLE: The Second Goodbye (1/1) 13th May 2000

DISCLAIMER: Everyone belongs to Joss Whedon and all those XF folk who write, produce and direct A:TS, wisely defected to the show that is, from the show that was.

FEEDBACK: New genre for me, I'm dying to know if it in any way works for you.

RATING: G

SPOILERS: "Hero"

CATEGORY: Doyle/Cordelia, but kinda also A/C

SUMMARY: Vignette, if that isn't too pretentious a word for 'short'.

DISTRIBUTION: anywhere, ask first?

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I am coming around to Wesley...and when I run fic scenarios in my head with our trio...Wesley pipes up where I had previously cast Doyle :( This makes me very sad because as a writer I am having a harder time keeping him alive with every story I write :_( And I liked Doyle. So that's where this little piece comes from.

DEDICATION: This is for my little brother Neil for trusting me to bleach his hair, and not being mad when only his roots went blond, d'oh!

The Second Goodbye

Set after some stressful event i.e. demon attack, this will actually be written but for now this is where our story starts....

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"Wes, where's Cordelia?"

"Oh, she's gone home, she's exhausted poor thing."

Angel's brow furrowed.

"I'm going after her."

Wesley raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

"Look, she got hurt, but she pretended she was ok, I just want to make sure."

"Fine with me, I'm going to retire myself shortly."

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There was no answer at Cordelia's door. Angel didn't wait long before using his key. He did a quick sweep of the apartment although he was certain she wasn't here. No Cordelia - but a hurried pile of clothes on her bedroom floor including intimate lacy articles Angel did his best to not see. He fingered the sleeve of the little sweater she'd been wearing earlier. There was blood on it, her blood. She hadn't told him that she'd been cut but he had known anyway.

"Hey Dennis - help me out here, is she okay?"

A noise from the bathroom. Angel followed the sound until he stood at the tiny ventilation window. Dennis opened it for him and he stretched up to see through it. The apartment building next door had a pool. One lone figure swam relentlessly in the moonlight.

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"Cordelia."

She didn't hear him, she was barely coming up for air as she thrashed through the water, not pausing but swimming as fiercely as if half a dozen sea monsters had her scent. Something was wrong, and Angel had a feeling it would be a little more tricky than just slaying a few sea monsters.

He waited at one end of the pool, and reached out to touch her hand as she approached the wall.

At the contact Cordelia's body twisted in the water, she surfaced in a hurry, and screamed before she could even catch a breath. Pulling away from the hunched form at the side of the pool she went under again, arms flailing, so panicked she didn't even recognize Angel. Horrified with himself for scaring her, Angel dived into the water without a second thought, and swept the struggling young girl into his arms. He pushed off with all his strength from the bottom of the pool, concerned only with getting her to the surface. He landed on his feet at the poolside.

"Angel!"

Cordy gasped, filling her lungs with welcome air as he lowered her gently to her feet.

Angel fetched her towel, wrapping it around her he studiously avoided looking at her body. She muttered a thank you and turned away from him, but not before he realized her eyes were red from more than the chlorine. Although body heat was not an option, he sat close beside where she huddled at the side of the pool. He spoke tentatively, waiting for her to get her breath.

"Cordelia? Either you're angry at the pool or something has upset you."

She didn't look at him.

"Vampires swim?"

He shrugged.

"We don't float particularly well but the extra strength helps. Please, Cordy tell me what's wrong, let me help. Is it what happened today?"

"No. Yes. It's Doyle."

Angel hadn't been expecting that.

"Doyle?"

"We used to come here - after that first night when we were escaping from the demon and we ended up in here - this is where he asked me out, in the pool. He was holding me, in case I couldn't swim, it was so sweet... so we came back while we were dating, usually in the middle of the night, and we'd mess around - he was playful like Xander, I loved that about him - he used to chase me - teasing me saying Swim! Cordy! Big demon guy comin' t'getchya! I thought I was a good swimmer - but Doyle, he was like a fish. And he'd catch me, and claim a kiss and it was beautiful, he had so much energy, but right before he kissed me he paused, checking to make sure it was ok. Just the way he'd look at me on those nights...oh god Angel!"

Cordelia's eyes filled up with tears and she fell silent. Angel gently put his arm around her, he was trying to understand.

"If you like - I could swim with you, just so you don't have to be alone."

She smiled ruefully, blinking away the tears that threatened to overwhelm her.

"It's okay, it would be weird. And it's not the same - you pulled me out of the water and you didn't sneak even one look at my body did you?"

Angel had no idea how to respond to the accusation, the truth was it had taken every ounce of self control he had to keep his eyes off her.

Cordelia sighed.

"I appreciate the offer, but it was kinda just a CordynDoyle thing, y'know?"

She looked up at him sideways, hoping he would understand and not be hurt.

He asked quietly,

"Was there something about the fight this evening... did something remind you of him?"

She shook her head miserably.

"Did Wesley- Did something else happen today that made you miss him?"

"NO! That's just it. Nothing about our life is about Doyle anymore, and so today was the first day when I didn't miss him, didn't feel his absence, and now he's gone."

The tears had begun again in earnest. Angel was frozen, her words chilled him to the core. Cordelia sniffed and lifted her eyes to his, imploring him although there was nothing he could do, nothing could be done.

"It's like he's dying all over again, dying to *me*... and I can't stand it, I can't stand to lose him like this...I- I..."

She was crying too hard to speak anymore and Angel gathered her in his arms. She wept brokenly into his chest. Her sobs stirred the pain he kept deep inside - was it buried or was she right? Was it dissipating? - Had he forgotten Doyle? A dam inside his heart cracked and his own tears fell silently into her hair.

"That's why you were swimming?"

"Sometimes, if I swim really fast and I'm under the water and everything's a blur...I can imagine him there with me - just behind me, about to grab me. In the noise of the water I hear his voice, calling me, and I don't ever want to come up for air. I came here tonight to have him with me, but no matter how fast I swam...I couldn't, couldn't bring him back to me."

A sob caught in her throat.

"I thought we'd said goodbye...but while I missed him every moment, while he was still alive in my head...that was only the first goodbye."

"Stop it, Cordy, please, don't- don't say anymore..."

She didn't. They just stayed there, clinging to each other, letting the pain wash over them, helpless in it's wake.

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