'Twas the night before christmas
and all through the house
everyone felt shitty
even the mouse

With mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I had just settled down
for a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn
I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my place
to see what's the matter

Then out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
it must be Saint Nick

He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the old fucker fell

He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer

He rose up the chimney
with a thounderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart

He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight,
"piss on you all,
and have a good night"