bb’s babblings

test to get job tomorrow, tuesday broke my laptop screen, today my cell phone stopped working, i got lost on my way back home from practice, and after tonight’s got lost trying to find a craigs deal. i think the trigger might have been during lunch when i went into the verizon place where the staff treated me like a piece of trash. kind of how a girl has to treat a guy at a club to show she’s not interested or something. i dunno. no. i set it off. and let it go through. 95 through traffic about to be on time and lost again. still late. behind. off.

i wish i had more self control. i hate myself for bringing this stuff home and dumping it on others. it’s like i let go a little bit and all the wrath comes out. aimed at the weak. whoever can’t escape it. repentance ain’t worth much to the victim.

today on the muni this crazy-looking guy got on, carrying a huge dufflebag. smiled across at me and started mumbling stuff. i was like, what if it’s the end soon? said the shema and thought about all the things i’d do different and my last wishes and all. i was ready to go, clear. and just sat there reading my book. smile. i was so free. maybe that was all an illusion. because, f-ck. tonight on the way home, i was stressing. and at night straight rage came out, and i’m lower than ever was before. and, as with all things, the fact that i’d act completely different if given the choice again doesn’t mean very much. damage is done. yeah.

edit: from the chabad site

Phase Two

The first stages of your life are to learn to be a master over yourself. But then comes a major and difficult transition in life, when you take on the responsibilities of a family. Now you must learn to put aside your own self-improvement for their sake.

From the wisdom of the Lubavitcher Rebbe; words and condensation by Tzvi Freeman. To order Tzvi’s book, “Bringing Heaven Down to Earth, click here.