Attempted assassination of company president fails

by Micah Fisher-Kirshner
ALL-AROUND SCAPEGOAT

Berkeley, CA - Efforts by Infinity Plus One Productions to control a leak about a shooting took place inside the prestigous company yesterday has failed.

President Lou Huang was walking with his two bodyguards, Dave Kim and Matthew Liu, towards the main exit when Chief Security Officer Felix Huang shot at both bodyguards missing Kim, but just grazing Liu in the butt. Chaos ensued wherein President Huang was taken to the nearby IP1 solo thermonuclear bomb shelter and the security officer was jumped and wrestled to the ground.

After the confusion died down, the problem was finally realized when Chief of Covert Operations Laurie Chong had jokingly decided to switch pictures of a "Wanted: Dead or Alive" poster with President Huang's bodyguards.

Both the Chief Security Officer and Chief of Covert Operations were harshly reprimanded, but no firings were given. "I'm not sure whether to fire the Chief of Covert Operations for her joking around on the job, or whether I should fire the Chief Security Officer for not being able to hit and kill my bodyguards," President Lou commented.

After the incident today, additional employees of IP1 were found and ask what they thought when they saw the shootings take place.

Public Relations Advisor Minh Nguyen: "I may be the best at turning around bad public relations into good ones, but not even I could get something good out of President Lou dying."

Personal Assistant to the President Karen "Monica" Booth: "Oh heck no, I do NOT want to be a personal assistant to Vice-President Brian Wong."

Chief Financial Officer Garrett Carlin Toy: "There goes our stocks."

Director of Foreign Affairs Micah Fisher-Kirshner: "I wonder if Vice-President Brian Wong would be more inclined to allow me to keep an office in Asia permanently."

Receptionist Debra King: "I thought I was in a film-making of Matrix II."

Director of Advertising Grace Wu: "I wonder if we can advertise this for pity money."

Film Director/Producer/Actor Daniel Tong: "Cha-CHING!!"

Emergency Medical Technician Alys "Yumnokovich" Lin: "He's dead, Jim."

Chief Technology Officer David Lee: "He shot them with a .7 caliber gun?! No wonder why he missed!"

Head of Public Safety Maintenance Tim Inouye: "Guess we better support gun control now."

Forensics Examiner April Huang: "I am NOT going to be examining his dead body."

Weapons Technician Jonathan Chen: "I would have used an Ak-47. MUCH easier and more fun!"

Cafeteria Manager (Duck Hunting) Kim Mak: "I guess I better rephrase the special; I don't think people will want to eat 'Mystery Meat' after this."

Interior Designer Antoni Sempere: "Oooh... That's going to SO mess up the floor. And red! That SO won't match the tiles on the floor."

Slacker Jerry Chang: "Oh my God! Our President is being shot at! I must save... ooh... is that a sandwich I see over there?"