February 2003

i just had my amazon.com interview. it was...well...not good. when put on the spot to do some little easy programming, i couldn't. something to remember for next time: never try to code in C in an interview. memory management is not something you want to deal with during an interview. it was embarrassing that i didnt know how to do it in C. i sure know how to now!!! this is one of those times that it's like, "why did i mess up then when i know it so well before!!!" arggghhh! but i'm not too concerned because i dont want to go to seattle for the summer anyway.

i bombed in my french class today. it was a presentation on my family. its not that hard to write but it was a pain to just talk about it in front of the whole class. i think it was a combination of just being really nervous in front of the class and being not too confident about what i was talking about. it is not an exaggeration to say that i was the worst one in the class. i saw the faces of the people and they looked like they are in pain (literally). that really freaked me out, then i just got through it and sat back down humiliated. i'm still tripping about it now. embarrassing moments like that seem to just cycle over and over again in my mind. the usual freudian phenomenon of repression has yet to happen. i guess it is biologically and evolutionarily adaptive to remember these things so that you wont repeat it again. repression comes in when the event is so traumatic that you cant go on with your life. next time i will really prepare and do a great presentation to make up for it this time. that'll prove to myself that i can do it.

Today's highlight was the talk I went to by Dr. William Lane Craig. He talked about the "Existence of God". It was an enlightening talk and it's one of the many ways that God "feeds" me spiritually when I need it. I read Craig's book Reasonable Faith and most of his talk was the same stuff as in the book but since i have poor reading comprehension, it was good to have him say it again. I took notes so I would actually remember. It is hard to take notes when reading a book since when I read, all I want to do is to get through the book. The talk was good and I think it made a lot of people in the audience think. I was a little bummed that the questions asked in the Q&A were somewhat simplistic (ie easy to answer) but I think it was good for the many people in the audience that had those same questions. Belief in the existence of God is just the first step. From here we can move forward and examine whether it is reasonable to believe and trust in the Judeo-Christian God that western society has for the most part embraced. I won't go into detail about Craig's argument about why he thinks a loving, almighty, omniscient God exists, but it should be pretty clear that what he was talking about was valid. His arguments are sound (as far as I can tell, for i have not read any of the rebuttals). The Bible teaches us that our faith should not be "blind faith" (as many people's faiths are) but rather a faith that involves our body, soul and MIND. that is, the Christian faith is REASONABLE. I have reasonable faith in Christ.

"Je suis malade. J'ai une probleme de sante." yes, i am sick and i've got a sore throat and i'm coughing a lot. i wish it werent so cold at night...especially in my room. i seriously need to get an electric blanket or something like that since i'm cold whilst in bed. i've been taking the echinecea and zinc and eating lots of oranges to try to give my immune system a boost.

anyway, angela came over to visit and we had lunch and got the chance to catch up a bit. after lunch, i seized the opportunity to show her my holiday pictures (yes, the sky did look rather overcast...<=an inside joke). angela is being courted by all these great grad schools. i hope that i will be that fortunate when my turn comes. but first, i must secure recommendations. i really really need to get on top of this stuff. recommendations are the most important things in the application! grades and GRE scores are almost not even considered at these top notch schools since all the applicants have stellar GPA's anyway. hopefully it will all work out.

People usually fill their blogs with long diatribes about their latest beef. They have a cow about something and their blog reflects their venting. Sometimes it makes sense and other times it seems as if its something that was written "in the heat of the moment". Hopefully this wont turn into one of those. well it cant really since there wasnt a moment to get heated in anyway. it more about a general feeling i have.

Arguing for the sake of arguing. People do this so that they bug other people and also to get excited themselves. Some do it for the attention (obviously compensating for a lack of attention elsewhere in your life...which makes you look somewhat pathetic, compromising your position as a strong defender). But the most misplaced goal of arguing for the sake of arguing is the goal of winning. Sure you might win, what do you get?? What does the other person(s) think of you? Does (s)he think, "Oh, this dude is really smart and I like people who disagree with me and make me lose arguments!!!" Of course not. All you get is an ephemeral puffed-up feeling and people upset at you. The half smile on your face is a sinister one. The worst people who do this is what I would call "argument bullies". Just like the bully that bothered you or your friends in grammar school, an argument bully picks fights with people who he thinks are push overs that still make a big stink of the whole ordeal. This is their method of intimidation. For a while I think I was one of these argue for the sake of arguing people. I was too shy to be an argument bully but I did get people upset. I soon realized that it was a maladaptive (unfruitful) behavior and decided to stop. Now I hope to convince others out with this unpleasant affliction to put it behind you. Either that or get a law degree and make some $$$ with it....

It is good to be to examine all points of view. But you have to realize that others may not want to consider the POV you have. It is your job to bring your POV at the appropriate time. It is NOT your job to upset someone with your POV.

Today, again I was pretty productive since I worked on the emailer project for a while and got a lot finished. it's still rough around the edges, but it definitely is helpful. it wasnt really that hard since it was using existing java objects to do it. but i hope jen will find my work acceptable.

It was my birthday on Sat and it was cool that I got to celebrate at high school fellowship. I got a cool cake (yes, it was ice cream) and I was grilled with "ask-matt-anything" questions. overall it was a nice birthday. but it was the first birthday where i was busy all the time so it didn't seem like it was a special day. at any rate, the celebrations were extended to tonight when i went to dot/debbie/liz's house for bible study. they had the cake and ice cream hidden until we finished and surprised me. thanks! you guys are awesome. today was a pretty good day since it started with p. steve impressing amy and larry on the radio and a pretty chill day of classes and a productive afternoon of java I/O. now i must continue with this I/O. it's not that bad once you know what to use. i made cheese quesadillas for the first time today and they were good. then the bible study was good and we got to catch up with each other. there's always something to pray about. one thing i am trying to incorporate into my prayer life is to pray with conviction--pray with the intention that God has the power to do it.

How to send emails in a Java application? and how to edit the mbox file in procmail in this java program? perplexed. J'habite a berkeley.

A lot of "life" happened today. Some days are just kinda routine, but today I got a big slice from the "pie of life". a lot of stuff happened to me today. without going into the details, i had a chance to see life from two polar perspectives today. i was not able to go to church today but i did have a chance to find a secluded little playground and sat and observed the people there. The kids were swinging on the swings with all their might and jumping off to see who could jump the farthest. Others were simply running their hands through the sand, feeling the gritty textures between their fingertips. Some were playing catch, shagging pop flies and practicing throwing side-armed. I overheard one pair of parents saying "i think [their kids] can have a nap today" ironic that children dont know their limits and often play until they are utterly exhausted. it was heartwarming to see all those kids playing, enjoying their youth. it made me think about my youth, but that's a subject for another day. observing these things, life seems to just serve up one excitment after another. it is not wonder why children just cant wait to get older so that they can have more life. sitting at the playground allowed me to see life's young, fresh, green, and energetic side.

God gave me the unique opportunity to not only observe/experience life's newest creations--but also some of life's noblest. i went to my grandparents house for the traditional chinese new year visit. my grandfather has been ill for a while and is continuing to struggle with a lot of pain. he needs constant care. he is weak. his body is getting weaker. but what i am more concerned about is that his spirit seems also to be weakening. a mere three or four months ago, he was walking around trying to keep fit. but now, he cant walk by himself but needs someone to almost carry him around. he is unsually quiet, despite being constantly surrounded by his loved ones. it is no surprise that all he can think about is the pain. it is frustrating that there is nothing i can do about it. he is under the best medical care, but nothing can make him overcome the mental anguish of his pain. i dont normally ask you for serious things in this weblog, but if you're reading this then please pray for my grandfather. your prayer WILL count. when you pray, pray with the conviction that God will be able to help.