The month of January

I need to write an essay. I havent written an essay in like half a year so I feel kinda rusty. It is not a "well-defined problem" unlike a computer program or math problem. At any rate, I have to write about why I would be a good intern. I think I will talk about how I enjoy challenges and have conquered them (whether that's true or not is neither here nor there...) at any rate, the struggle is to make it more dynamic than simply a laundry list of accomplishments. i think i will talk about two types of challenges that i enjoy: intellectual (ie: knowledge about stuff like factoids, history, programming, languages) and personal (ie: developing character traits that i lack). i made a little checklist on what i think makes a good intern: self-motivated, knowledgeable, communicative, creative, dedicated, and teachable. i'm sure the list goes on, but i will need to hit all these points somewhere in the essay.

Today was perhaps the most hectic day of the semester so far. I should nt really be complaining since ive been having it easy recently. anyways, it was a mad dash after french to find some nice paper, print my resume, and go shake hands with the career fair people. (note to self: the best quality printing on my printer is slow but worth the wait since the quality is far superior.) i only had a about 30 mins to go through it before i went to class. after class i went back and shoke hands with a bunch of more people. but i think i made a good impression on the dude from Siebel. but he wont be doing the selecting anyways, so what does that matter.

I'm getting stressed. I'm getting stressed that I'm not gonna be able to get into a good grad school. I guess I was feeling a litle masochistic so i went to the stanford cs dept and looked at the resumes and CVs of the grad students. while it was encouraging that many of them were from berkeley, it was disheartening to see all the experience they had and their nearly perfect GPAs. and im sure that recommendations are extremely important and i dont really know any profs well enough to get recommendations from them. the search continues. i am most stressed about recommendations. let's count: maybe one James Landay from my collaboration with Jason, maybe another from my still unknown summer internship, and maybe another from hellerstein my current database prof. next week i will have to pop in and have a chat with him about stuffs.

Alas, due to my procrastination, the plot still lingers unresolved. I have yet to acquire the appropriate information. But it's unfortunately eating away at me. But I will try to divert my attention to other things until I can deal with it.

Ok, for a lack of something better to talk about, have you ever tried Mozilla? It's really a great browser and much better than Netscape. In fact, it's the open source version of Netscape. Mind you, it's a bit slow to start up but once it does is just about as fast as IE for loading pages. We all know that MS optimized both the OS and IE to work well together. Webpages look slightly different in the two browsers. Somehow, the text in my IE browser is "bigger" than the text in Mozilla. If you're designing webpages, make sure to open it in both IE and Mozilla to make sure you're satisfied with the look of it in both browsers.

There is a job fair tomorrow for which I need to prepare for. The main thing I need to do is to print out my resume on nice paper. And remember to be enthusiastic when talking to the peoples at the fair. I hope also to get a bunch of nice pens and toys.

There is a dastardly plot that I need to unearth and resolve. First thing is to squeeze the information from the person(s) who are perpetuating the propaganda--ie those that have a beef. Unfortunately all this is happening under my very nose, so to speak, but I still have little knowledge of what it entails. My plan for a hopefully peaceful resolution will first involve directly accosting one individual who is most likely to spill the beans. (yes, this entry is rife with cliches) but this confrontation must be done diplomatically and delicately lest I lose the informant's trust, but at the same time it must be done forcefully (dare i say coercively) to extract the information vital to dispelling this plot before more people are affected.

Y'know sometime programming is fun, but other times programming is really just tedious. A lot of the times it isnt programming that is frustrating but it's getting the application you are programming in to work right. Today I got my first taste of how complicated database systems are. I had to run four separate applications to get the thing to work. It was a pain to get everything to work properly but finally I got it done. It wasn't a hard assignment, in fact it was super easy, but it was just getting the software to work properly that drove me nuts. Yes, I got to the point that I was complaining and whining out loud to the computer.

I actually talked to my roommate today...for the first time since I got back from break. Even tho we're in the same apt, we tend to stay in our respective spaces. After all, there's no need for me to sit in the "living room" when it's dark and the TV doesnt work. Nor is there usually a pressing need for me to be in the kitchen when he's washing dishes, etc. But today I got back and I was hungry and wanted to make a sandwich (please dont pronounce it as sammich...whilst I do like playing around the pronounciation of words, i dont go anywhere near "sammich". it is annoying when people try to be cute and say it that way [sorry, but ive gotta be cruel to be kind] and at any rate, sandwich is a much funnier sounding word. think about it, a sand-wich, who wants to eat a witch made of sand? but i digress) and my roommate was washing the dishes. so i sauntered in and proceeded to toast the ridiculously small slices of bread i have this week and i engaged him in conversation about break and how he was building computers for other people. so it was rather pleasant. i was afraid he was avoiding me and was unsatisfied with the living arrangement, but from today's short conversation id say things are ok.

This is one great example of beauty hidden in the world that is often underappreciated by a lot of people.

Happy Birthday, JPM. No one who knows JPM will read this, so why am i writing it? i dunno. well, my schedule is really empty this term. i'm taking the about the same # of units as last semester so why does it seem as if i have so much free time? it may be that i start at 9.30 or 10am everyday so its a slightly earlier start than before. also all my classes are compacted neatly into the 9.30-12pm late morning time slot.

Ok, enough of this boring stuff. I read in Newsweek all about Kim Jong Il, the "Great Leader" of North Korea. He gained power because his father was installed as a puppet ruler when the Red Russians were still in power. He lives a decadent life. The Newsweek article portrayed him as a hedonist, with his only mission is to make himself more powerful and richer. The article made him look like he didnt care about the poor and suffering North Korean population. The article was quick to bring up the fact that he bought 20 Mercedes-Benz S-class cars (cost over $100K each), costing $2million total, which was one third or two-thirds of the amount of relief funds that the World Relief Fund gave to North Korea to feed the poor. There is also a notorious story of him kidnapping one of his favourite movie stars (allegedly he really enjoys watching movies) for his own entertainment. Some people that have met him say that he's not crazy, he's just crafty and knows how to get things his way. Now with the allegations that North Korea has nuclear weapon capability, Kim Jong Il seems to want to be taken more seriously than ever. Some think that it's just so that he can get more foreign aid to help with North Korea's (literally) decimated economy. At any rate, they say that N Korea is more of threat of a nuclear attack than Iraq since Iraq doesnt really have the infrastructure to do anything, but N Korea does. It most likely isn't the US that will be hurt by N Korea but rather the surrounding peoples like china or Japan. That's why China's being so helpful with the dispute between Korea and the US.

Ok one final rant for today and it's an important one. US dependence on foreign (ie: middle eastern) oil. Probably the ONLY reason the US is in this dispute with Iraq (besides our befriending Israel) is because we, the US, NEED oil from the middle east. Without middle eastern oil, our fuel prices would go up drastically (since we would have to deplete our "strategic reserve" in alaska) and our economy would take the worst spill it is ever seen. So skipping a lot of nonsense, the bottom line is to reduce US dependence on foreign oil by driving less, buying cars with better gas mileage (ie: SUV's do NOT get good gas mileage), and walking/biking when you can. You need to get used to it when gas prices here reach the prices they pay in Europe ($4-5/gallon).

Je m'appelle Matthew. Today was the first day of class. My schedule is a little strange this term since I dont really have much class time. I ended today at 1pm, but later I think I will end at 12pm since I will drop Spanish. My first class was CS186 (databases). I thought of being a good student and sat two rows from the front. It turned out to be a bad move. I was too close to the projection screen so the slides were just too big. I literally had to move my head back and forth to read the slides. It's akin to the feeling one gets if one sits too close to the screen in a movie theater. It also doesnt help that I tend to be slightly far-sighted, so it was extremely difficult to focus on such large text. My eyes were hurting because the text was so large--like the feeling I get when I try to read a book pressed against my nose. So it was a grueling one and a half hours. Tomorrow, I will definitely move back to the aft section. It will also faciliate easier entrance and egress. Next was French 1, and the prof walked in saying 'bonjour' to everyone. She went on to introduce herself in French ("Je suis Anna Livia Brawn...") and asked us our names. She went on introducing new vocab words and how to ask a question all in French. Not a word of English was spoken throughout the entire hour of class until she dismissed us and then told us in English that we could ask any questions in English. It was a most fascinating hour. I guess class time is best used as a time for immersion into French where all class-related utterances are in French. I went to Spanish next and we did no spanish during the class. some people introduced themselves and did some enrollment stuff. the teacher in spanish didnt seem to enthused about teaching--he was more disorganized. anyway, i think i will stick with spanish for another day or two and then find out that french is more fun and drop spanish. the tricky thing with french is that the sounds of the previous word bleed into the next word. so "C'est un crayon" really sounds like "Seh tun crayon" since the 't' in C'est bleeds into the beginning of the word un. I just have to get used to that. I'm looking forward to the fun in that class. I just hope it's not too much work.

I'm a very tired today. Like I said, ive been having disturbed nights recently, so getting a good night's rest is tough. I've been waking up early in the morning. At any rate, i think i will go to sleep early tonight. zzzzz

I'm gonna be Lou Grant and give some tough lovin advice to all those people (or person, for I write this with one specific person in mind) that feel depressed. The two statements/claims are quoted straight from Lou Grant in the Mary Tyler Moore Show. The paragraph after the claims is my elaboration. There are two things that you've gotta get straight:

1) "Life is tough!"
No one promised that life would be easy. God didn't design life to be a trip to Disneyland (or anything else pleasurable or easy, if you will). Let's jump into fantasyland for a bit and imagine if God did make life easy for everyone--that is, program the world so that everyone would get everything they wanted and everyone would be "happy". Our every need will be instantly granted. This world would then lack a few features that I feel are important: hope, faith, gratitude, charity, etc. In a hopeless, faithless, ungrateful, and uncharitable world, would we really be happy or would this happiness be "artificial"? Artificial because our needs are granted instantly and there is truly no feelings of earned reward (or punishment, for that matter). So anyway, life by its very nature must be tough--and it is.

2) "You've been rotten!"
Yes, depressed person, you ARE rotten. Your performance as a human being has been lousy! Yup, you've been wallowing in your sins and iniquities ever since you were old enough to know the right thing to do. But alas, there is hope (remember that this is a hope-ful world, after all)! In fact, everyone is rotten. That kinda takes away the punch from the statement but it's true. We are all waist-deep in our sins. It is our job to acknowledge them and do our best to go a different direction to avoid those sins. These sins are ultimately taken away when Christ died and resurrected for our sake. Now turning back to you, O depressed person, you must acknowledge this depression is a sin and conquer it. Hate that sin as much as God hates it. Depression can become a downward spiral, contrary to what I was joking about before. You just get deeper and deeper into the ground. I claim that the reason why you're continuing to spiral is that you somehow LIKE it--you enjoy the pity from others and also the pity that you place on yourself. You use your depression as an reason for the lack of successes worthy of fireworks in your recent life. Now this goes back to the "Life is tough" thing. Hence, you must stop pitying yourself for not achieve everything you want because life is tough. There's no need to cry about it, but try to make the best of it.

Wanna talk about it? Disagree? Agree? Email me: mllee@uclink.berkeley.edu

The week is going by so quickly! It's already gonna be friday tomorrow! I guess school has to start sometime. anyways, i'm looking forward to watching Friends and Scrubs right afterwards. I find Scrubs really funny. It's a different type of comedy since there is no canned laughter added in. So that means I laugh only when i find something funny. The laughter is truly earned. The main guy in the show reminds me of Mulder a little. I'm trying not to watch too much television since i so little time before i go back to school.

Today I went to Albertson's to check to see if they sold the powder to make instant custard (the kind imported from the UK) since I miss having custard for dessert. It's available on the Albertson's website but sadly wasnt in the store. However, that wasnt part that is mirabile dictu. I noticed at the Albertsons that there were men workers there that were Chinese and seemed to be around my age, maybe a little older. I felt uncomfortable walking around the aisles seeing them and them seeing me. Is it programmed instinctually in me to kinda "size up" these people? To look them up and down and evaluate them like how two wolves walk around each other to see what their competition is like? But what would I and another Chinese college-age kid compete for? I guess it would be the same thing that the wolves are--mates (girls, chicks, etc). So when some dude walks in that falls into the same demographics as I do, I automatically "size him up" to determine his strengths and weaknesses when competing for mutually potential mates. The evolutionary processes are still at work I guess.

This is my last week before school starts up again. I've had a chance to tidy up around the house this week. Today I replaced the belt in the vacuum cleaner. It was a much more arduous process than I expected since the belt was a bit small and I had to muscle everything back into place. I hope it's not too tight. It works really well now but I'm afraid that extra tension might make the motor work too hard. Anyway, I still have to clean out my desk at home from years and years of clutter.

These past few days, I have been having disturbed nights. I am remembering my dreams and a lot of them are negative dreams. I will recount of one dream that might be a window into my psyche. I dreamt that I was chosen to be on a reality show on MTV. Something like the real world or a challenge show. I dont remember the specific show and it wasnt that important. The dream was about the formal introduction of us (me and the other cast members) to the press and general public. It was like an auditorium (not too large, maybe seating 100 people) and it was dark and there was a red skirt around the table on the stage. They (the producers or maybe even burnim & ellis themselves would show a brief clip about the cast members background and then the cast member would walk up on stage and introduce themselves and tell the world about their goals, interests and other miss universe type stuff. when it was almost my turn (there were about a dozen or so cast members), a producer motioned to me to come to the front and get ready to talk about myself in front of the crowd. i walked out to the aisle and waited. strangely, i got a little distracted somehow and missed the short video clip about my background. when i got focused again, i heard the lady talking about where i went to school and all that background stuff. and since i forgot to walk up to the front so that i could take the mic and talk about myself, she asked the other producer, "Do we have Matthew Lee here?" And I stood up and said that I was here. And at that moment the dream paused and I went into panic mode since I had no idea what to say in front of everyone. I could talk about how I like cog sci and computer science but that would be boring since nobody talks about academics on MTV. I was like "I dont know what to say! Why did they pick ME to be on MTV? I will totally stick out and everyone will hate me because I dont like doing the things they like doing." Then I started to drift slowly out of sleep and into a semi-awake consciousness. And even in this half-awake state I was still worrying until it dawned on me that it was all a dream. then i thought to myself, you dont have to say anything, it was all a dream. it was a dreadful dream and it was very vivid. who knows my mind will conjure up tonight?

I saw Star Trek: Nemesis again yesterday. It was much better the second time around. And I can safely say that that in my opinion it's a better movie than LOTR:TTT. Nemesis has earned around $40 mill at the theaters, and it's budget was $60 mill. It's a good movie, but there is just so much competition that people arent giving it a chance. i know of some star trek fans that have yet to see it. that's a shame since that shows that they arent really into it that much.

I have about another 1.5 weeks before I start school again. Ive got a bunch of things to do. Right now I'm trying to get down C++. It's not that hard. Like with any language, I'm not sure how the development environment MS VisualC++ works. I dont know what headers are available. Anyway, today I've watching not that much TV. In fact I've only watched it when i was eating. I'm trying to stay away from television and concentrate on more productive things like C++ for now. Its fun. but not as fun as tv.

happy new year. yesterday i went to see LOTR:TTT. i was greatly disappointed. i wont rant too much about it lest the LOTR people get on my case. suffice it to say that it was boring and had no plot and no moral dilemmas. but the movie did have a whiny Frodo who i just found annoying since all he did was reprimand Sam, wander off and almost get killed, freeze up when the "force" (or whatever you call it) of the ring overcame him. there were at least two scenes where he did that and someone had to shake him out of it. c'mon! pu-leeze! WATCH STAR TREK: NEMESIS INSTEAD!!!!! I'm not kidding. It's a much better movie and makes you think. At least it attempts to address some interesting philsophical ideas such as nature vs nuture, defining humanity, and human altruism. essentially shinzon grows up in the metaphorical "ghetto" and he's bitter and full of hate. do u see how this mirrors society today? if not just go listen to the song "In the Ghetto" first sung by Elvis and later redone much better IMHO by Natalie Merchant . I'll say it again: WATCH STAR TREK: NEMESIS INSTEAD!!!!! Anyway, today was somewhat productive. I cleaned two rooms and bought some clothes on my way back from the airport. Much to do in the next two weeks.