I've been neglecting writing in this weblog, but i've been really busy. My 160 project is finally due on Wednesday and I have to give a presentation on it. I know I need to dedicate time and effort into finishing this last assignment of the project. Just like in a XC race when I have to do a strider when I come to the last straightaway in the polo fields, I have to "give it all i've got" when it comes to finishing this project. The same thing goes with finals coming up too. It's a scary thought that in two weeks time I will be completely done with this semester. Well, on the bright side, I will actually have time to go Christmas shopping this year. In years past, I would end school with only 3 days until Christmas, so there was little time to shop. Frankly I don't find gift shopping particularly fun. Too bad I can't give everyone groceries since I love shopping for groceries. Over and out.
Ok today is Thanksgiving. I dont really have much to write in my blog, so I wont write anything.
havent updated in a while...too busy! must find a reasonable test metric to quantify productivity!
panic is a response given to us in order that we might be extremely alert and aware of potentially dangerous situations. panic is almost, in a sense, hyper-awareness--being too aware of something. panic is a sensation that often occurs when i take a test. all is going well as i tackle the first problem. after a slight hiccup, i decide to move on to another problem. and before i realized it, i have only 18 minutes left to finish the rest of the test. *panic* *panic* this most primary of emotions sets in and i begin to frantically survey the unanswered questions and quietly screaming out "oh no i am going to fail this midterm!" feelings of defeat quickly set in and i begin to say to myself, "what's the use? i've messed up already and there's nothing i can do about it"
suddenly defeat turns into almost cold determinism. given the few minutes left of the test, i psych myself up to conquer the remainder of the exam. flipping the pages to the problem worth the most points, i am determined to at least make an educated guess for each question. halfway through the time remaining, i wonder what the clock has so say about my imminent success--or failure. with less than 10 minutes left to go and less than 3 out of the 4 problems completed, panic once again begins to set in. my eyes open widely, my breath quickens, and my heart races, trying to speed up the rate at which i am completing the exam. however, these auto-somatic responses only reduce my ability concentrate on the problem. quickly, i employ rationality, similar to the stern logic of Spock, to help me focus on the test. the onset of this panic and my attempt at overriding them took away at precious 30 seconds of test time. however, the only casualty was not only those 30 seconds..my morale and confidence were both rapidly degraded despite my employment of rationality to solve my predicament.
finally, staring at the final problem, i have no idea what it asking. so i read the instructions again. nope, i didn't understand it again. so i read it again. i get a small glimpse of what i need to do. with 5 minutes left, the past problem doesn't seem that long, but where do i begin? i can't seem to figure out how to get the result with the given information. so i being to scribble something down to try to get something started. but alas, the prof announces that i have one minute to finish up. again, the feeling of defeat resurfaces. then in a last attempt, my "limit break", if you will, i scribble down something that looks like it might possibly be an answer. i go back to all the blanks i left and fill it in with something that can be the answer. when the prof announces to stop writing and pass it in, i give each page a super quick glance, a quick look goodbye kinda like the look that you give to someone who has just beaten you in something--a sort of anger mixed with respect mixed with vengeance. after the prof again says, "please! stop writing!!!!" that's my cue to stop looking at the test and turn to the first page and make sure my name is written, etc. seeing my name on this test, i feel ashamed of my name being attributed to such a poor performance. when i pass the test down the row to be collected, i look around at the faces of my peers. ironically, upset and angry faces make me feel better since that means others also thought the test was hard. i collect my belongings and try to quickly leave the room. as i walk to the door, i hear people asking, "what was the answer for problem 3?" i try to tune them out since i don't want to know how badly i did on the exam. when it occurs to me that the problem that i didnt know how to do was in fact really easy, i writhe in anger at myself for messing up on the test. ok, let's try not to repeat this performance during the final exam. i definitely feel humbled by these experiences. i hope you will never have to go through the same thing.
as i write this, my roommate and couple of his buddies are watching a movie in the living room. the sound travels through the walls into the my room, something expected but yet unescapable. tomorrow i have a midterm, for which i am studying for right now. when my roommate approached me and asked whether it was ok to watch a movie tonight, i had no alternative but to smile and say, "sure, no problem" i mean what could i have said? "no, i have a midterm tomorrow and please dont watch a movie in your living room." that would not have been a courteous response--and it certainly would not have been good for the roommate relationship we have developed. don't worry. it's not that big of a deal, although it may have seemed that way due to the style of writing at the beginning of this entry. it's not that noisy and i don't think the sound will bother me much. i dont harbor any ill will toward my roommate for his decision to watch the movie. in fact, it has given me inspiration for this entry. i very much enjoyed the way i started this entry. i started with the facts, painting a picture, and then explained the situation and the potential conflict. i can experiment with the way i write, which is pretty cool. that's one super thing about blogs. it actually what the journals i wrote in middle school english/"language" class should have been. back then, there wasn't much to write about aside from the occasional gossip or the reflections on a particularly interesting television program. but these days, as the world has suddenly become more complicated for me (i guess it comes with age), i find myself having to record my thoughts from time to time to keep track and make sense of the many streams of ideas, conflicts, observations and inspirations that run through my day.
Today was a long day. The 170 midterm was easier than I expected except the Dynamic Programming problem. Hopefully every one else found it hard too. i didn't really have lunch today and i didnt get to eat dinner until about 9.30pm. but strangely i wasn't that hungry all day. i guess i was all nervous about the test and all.
tonight enjoying my night of rest and peace before another rushed day tomorrow, i happened to look into the fuss about the Falun Gong movement that started in China but a grain clerk. it's an interesting mix of eastern traditions and values. but the really interesting thing about it is the response that it provoked from the Chinese government. basically, the government classified the movement as being an "evil cult" that was spreading evil thoughts into the minds of the masses. the government became concerned when the number of Falun Gong practitioners started to outnumber the number of members of the communist party. and the communist party knows all too well what a large number of people can do. so the communist government decided to clamp down on this evil practice by punishing all those who were found to be spreading the "fallacies" of the Falun Gong movement. The government often takes Falun Gong followers, force them to renounce their beliefs and make them hold meetings that profess the evils of the belief. Large companies are held accountable to make sure none of their employees hold demonstrations supporting Falun Gong. Bosses can have their salary taken away or demoted if one of their employees is caught to protest in favor of the movement. Some local police officers have a standing order to beat to death any one who publicly demonstrates their beliefsin Falun Gong. Failure to carry out this order results in a hefty fine. A quote by one police officer in Beijing says much:
"I'm part of a machine; it's hard to say what's legal and what's not." (Time magazine Vol.127, No.56)It's hard to imagine to live in a country where the fundamental liberty of personal belief is limited to such an extent. I can't begin to imagine the level of repression that goes on in China. I am very lucky to live in the US where this freedom is reinforced. Out of this freedom must stem tolerance and understanding of others' views. We must never label each other and generalize to the extent that we are intolerant of each other. I guess I can't seem to understand how the leaders of China can "morally" justify repression of the freedom of expression of religous beliefs. Is it simply my American upbringing that makes me not understand China's upside system? I mean, is the right to publicly express one's belief something that is fundamental? What if this is just a truism that was taught to me ever since I was alive? At least I know that there are at least a 100 million people in China who probably feel the same way as I do. They don't want their freedom of belief revoked any more than I do. But unfortunately, they don't have that freedom. Again I am very lucky. I should pray for all those who lack this freedom. I should talk to Jon Gee about this to see his views.
A short passage from the Bible is on my mind.
"Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.' Then Thomas said to him, 'My Lord and my God!'" -John 10:27-28There are so many times I hear people say, "Oh my God!" when they see something outrageous. But in this instance from the Bible where Thomas says it, he really means it. Think about it. When Thomas put his finger into Jesus' wound, it was at that second he understood and he could finally believe that Jesus really did come back from the dead. He said to Jesus, "My Lord and my God!" He is proclaiming that Jesus is his Lord and the God of all things. As I sit here and vocalize those words to myself (ie: talk to myself), I can't help but proclaim the same thing about Jesus. He is my Lord and my God. It's a bold statement. Everytime I hear someone say "Oh my God!" I am reminded of this great event in history recorded in the Bible. It's really encouraging.
Want to know more about some of the things I mentioned?
email me: mllee [at] cal.berkeley.edu
| HOME| Fellowship | Berkeley | Pictures | WEBLOG | Contact |