Hello Everyone,
I've been waiting for the right moment to finally to make a contribution- life as been pretty hectic lately. I'm on the last rotation of third year- internal medicine. So far things have been going swimmingly. I like it, but I can't say that I'm passionate about the field. I'm also going to do a rotation in Neurology some time soon. Hopefully I'll love that field, but if not, I guess I'll going into internal medicine.
Spring has finally arrived in Boston. I am the proud owner of a light pink courdory blazer-style jacket. Perfect for the springtime. A few degrees more and it'll be warm enough to play tennis. I have a new Australian friend, who used to be a professional tennis player down under, so hopefully he'll be excited to get out on the court.
Now down to the dirt: Ashwin will be leaving Boston shortly. It was inevitable, but now it seems like it will happen tomorrow. He's in town for eight of nine days, then he'll leave for South America for three weeks. Then back to Boston for just under three weeks, and game over. "Game over" might be more literal than I expected. For a long time we talked about breaking up to see how we really felt, and then revisit the idea of continuing our relationship on a more serious level. I took that to mean that the door would still be open, but I think it might be slammed shut. Ashwin's so uncertain of what he wants and so hestiant to try a "serious" long distance relationship. In one sense, he feels that he can't make me wait so we have to break up. But I still know that he's not 100% sure that we should end this. All I can do is consider what he's telling me- we'll break up and I will go on with my life.
At first, I tried to fight his sentiment. But now I'm tired. Slowly, a more honest perception of our relationship is evolving in my head. It's was, and still is, in a lot of ways perfect. The relationship was flawed in many ways, too, that I don't want to describe. I'm probably hesitant to discuss because I feel embarassed and sad that I didn't demand more mush earlier in the relationship.
I decided not to end the relationship before he leaves Boston. I really thought about this decision. If I try to end it now, and then slip by calling, or crying or sleeping over at his place, I 'll feel terrbile. For me, it's more realistic to just try to take care of myself without setting "rules" about our interaction. And there is still a little piece of me that thinks we could discover something that's been hidden over the last week. I'm not going to ignore that completely- I think I can still move forward anyway.
At this moment I feel incredibly lonely. For two nights I've been trying to spend one or two hours going out with friends. But I couldn't get a hold of anyone. Do people stay in on weeknights? I seem to have forgotten. Despite all my feelings, I'm trying to remind myself that the emotions pass.
Gotta go, thanks for listening.
Posted by Rashmee at April 7, 2005 04:47 PM Posted to RashmeeI know how you feel Rash -- that happens to me a lot. I feel like going out, but there just isn't anyone around. At first it was really hard to accept, but I know I've come to enjoy being on my own. I've stopped measuring myself by how many people ask me to hang out with them over the weekend and I don't have that need for instant social-gathering-gratification. It's enough to know that I have people out there who care about me who I can talk to and then meet up with when we can.
Posted by: Angilee at April 7, 2005 11:01 PMYou guys are definitely not the only ones - as Manasee can attest to, I definitely have moments of wondering how I went from having tons of friends to literally having 2, or 3 on days that I don't fight with John. It's been a reality check and it forces me to dig deep and be ok with hanging out by myself, reading, watching tv, and also, to expand my social circle. That's hard to do here with lots of Smug Marrieds and limited social opportunities. But I'm trying to get a new hobby or something (I'm starting horseback riding again, though last time I started up again I got thrown off the horse, so this will be a challenge). Anyway, lonliness isn't a rare feeling, but it's a bad one all the same.
Posted by: Preeti at April 8, 2005 06:46 AMI don't really have much to add other than I understand how you're feeling, Rash. The few days that Kev and I are "fighting" about something, I get angry and lonely and very upset. I feel like not only do I have no one to talk to, but that my friends are all far away and have heard it all before. I think, though, that you're making the right decision. The "right one" is right around the corner. You'll be happy you waited, I promise!
Will you be in good old Cali at all before your fourth year rotations start? I'm trying to decide which days I'll be there, so let me know and we can coordinate!
Who's John?
Posted by: Angilee at April 9, 2005 04:47 AM