INTEROFFICE MEMO
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FROM: Chris Carter
TO: Staff Writers
SUBJECT: Good Try
Well, you almost made them forget "Space" with "Teso Dos Bichos," but not quite. As bad as that episode was, those damn reviewers on the X-Files server list still brought up "Space." Am I never going to be able to live that episode down?
I want one of you to write an episode that's so bad that they'll never mention "Space" again. There'll be no holds barred. You can insult their intelligence, insult any group of people, anything you want. There's a bonus in it for the writer who comes up with an episode that makes them forget about "Space" once and for all. Who's up to it?
INTEROFFICE MEMO
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FROM: Darin Morgan
TO: Chris Carter
SUBJECT: No Thanks
Sorry, chief. I tried, but I just can't seem to write a bad episode, let alone one that's worse than "Space." It's not that I couldn't use the extra money. Thanks for the offer.
INTEROFFICE MEMO
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FROM: Howard Gordon
TO: Chris Carter
SUBJECT: Still "Haunted" by the ghost of "Space"?
I don't know Chris. Maybe you should just put that episode behind you and move on. Let 'em think about "Teso" some more. They'll realize "Space" wasn't nearly as bad as that one. But you're the boss.
INTEROFFICE MEMO
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FROM: Frank Spotnitz
TO: Chris Carter
SUBJECT: A/GC Arc
I can't help you, Chris. You know that stuff we're putting together for May Sweeps is gonna knock 'em on their ear, and we have to finish it soon so we can get it into production.
INTEROFFICE MEMO
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FROM: Jeff Vlaming
TO: Chris Carter
SUBJECT: Start Signing That Bonus Check
I think I got it. I was watching a rerun of Law and Order on A & E last week, and there was this story where people were getting mugged and their organs were being removed and sold on the black market. I think I can copy that idea and turn it into an X-File by simply making the supporting characters stereotypes and putting a twist on the organs for sale gimmick. I can blend it in with some Oriental mysticism and lots of subtitles, we'll insult the Chinese and we'll get a first-time director for the episode. What do you think?
INTEROFFICE MEMO
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FROM: CC
TO: Jeff
SUBJECT: Your Idea
I think you're on to something! Go with it, Jeffey!
Oh, be sure to throw in some really obvious cliché stuff for Web soundbytes. Set the ep in San Francisco. It has a large Chinese-American population, and you can have Scully work in the "Left His Heart in San Francisco" line.
INTEROFFICE MEMO
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FROM: Jeff Vlaming
TO: Chris Carter
SUBJECT: More Details
I read about this stuff called Hell Money. What we're gonna do is tie that in with the organ thefts. We're gonna make it a lottery, where the guys have to donate a body part if they "lose" against a large pile of cash if they "win." Only the lottery's fixed, see? They can never win.
We'll make the Chinese American local detective who works with M & S "on the take" and we'll piss off all of our Chinese-American fans because the game is rigged. And here's the best part: this episode isn't even an X-File!!! We'll have nothing that remotely smacks of suspense, drama, or anything paranormal.
BTW, I found our director. His name is Tucker Gates, and he's pretty good at taking a slow-moving story and bringing it to a grinding halt. :) They're gonna hate this one.
BTW, I'm counting on that bonus check. ;-)
INTEROFFICE MEMO
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FROM: CC
TO: JV
SUBJECT: Hell Money - Post Production Notes
I love, er, I mean hate this show! Nice job. Now let's see what those folks on the list say about this one.
INTERNET MEMO
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FROM: Tom Carissimi
TO: Chris Carter
SUBJECT: Hell Money
Okay, Chris. The monkey's off your back. This episode makes "Space" look like "King Lear."
Pay Jeff Vlaming his bonus.
Now, can you get your guys to write something that remotely resembles a good X-File?
My Score: ZERO out of 10