Just as there are only nine types of conversations, there are also only
three motivations underlying all conversations.  These can be summarized as

1) Procurement of food
No matter what the ostensible subject matter is, conversation is often a
ritualized encounter in which each party attempts to assess the
meat-obtaining abilities of the other.  Perhaps the other party will
reveal a new way to obtain meat, a new place to obtain meat, or a story
about how meat and other foodstuffs were combined in a
previously-unthought-of-but-still-delicious manner.

"You got a new job?"  (Translation: You are much more able to purchase
meat.  I can spend time in your presence and enjoy the possible leavings
from your future feasts.)
"Where is this new restaurant?"  (Translation:  I must diversify my intake
of meat.)
"I'm glad you did well on your midterm."  (Translation:  Your future
meat-obtaining abilities have increased incrementally.)
"I'm just going to take a semester off."  (Translation:  And for that
semester, your expectations of future security will diminish, as will your
consumption of meat.  As will my interactions with you.)

And obtaining meat is a fundamental motivation toward...*

2) Procurement of sex

Conversation is also a mating dance.  The male is constantly assessing
both the female's ability to bear and raise many children, as well as the
chances that she'd go down on him relatively soon in their relationship.
The female is constantly assessing the male's ability to provide meat and
shelter for her future children (See #1) and the likelihood that his
social status could elevate her own.  Any conversation that leads to
physical contact or discussions of sexual habits (or the lack thereof) is
the equivalent of examining a horse's teeth before purchasing it.

"I just got back from the gym." (Translation: Imagine how attractive my
newly enlarged muscles would look were my shirt not present.)
"Your hair looks nice."  (Translation: Daily compliments and affection
like this could be yours if we entered into a sexual relationship.)
"I don't get down on the first night."  (Translation: Other males have not
had an opportunity to replicate their genetic information with me.  I am a
human sexual sanctuary.)

3) Storing information for future conversations

A large part of conversing is the act of storing up information that can
be used in future social interaction.  Information gleaned in one
conversation can be used to break the ice and start another.  The more
information that one obtains, the more conversations one can initiate, and
the more meat and sex one can attempt to procure.

"Hey, how did that midterm go?"  (Translation: I previously talked to you
about your upcoming midterm and now, having no other excuse to initiate
social contact, will simply reference that encounter in order to make us
both more comfortable.  Also, you will appreciate that I paid attention to
you, and will reciprocate by providing meat/sex.)

Pentavirate West hopes that you can keep these motivations in mind when
thinking of confabulating with others, and realize that "wit" and
"cleverness" are on the same level as marksmanship and cocksmanship when
it comes to eating and fornicating.

*Dealing in the flesh for the flesh

-Pentavirate West