THE BRUCE COCK GUIDE
TO MAIL ORDER BRIDES By Bruce Cock
I was having a discussion with Brian earlier this week when I lamented the fact that my old high school crush seemed to have gone AWOL on me. He suggested that perhaps she had been shipped off to the Bay Area as a sex slave; to which I responded I needed to redouble my efforts to get a job so I could buy her out. Or, hell, I should buy her, period. He went ahead and suggested that I should just go ahead and get myself a mail-order bride - he couldn't see any downside in it. Before I remembered I was supposed to be offended by this, I said "HAHA! Brian, you crazy!" Anyway, it got me thinking that looking at and reviewing these sites would make for one hell of a webpage. Because you never know when you'll need to know. For each site, I listed prices, and rated quality of presentation, information provided, as well as the most attractive woman available on each site. After all, it only takes one. I also decided to throw in a picture of each site's most attractive woman available. And when I say most attractive woman available, yes, they were the most attractive women available. We're talking slim pickings here, people. Most of the women on each site ranged from "ugly" to "hideous" to "ugly and hideous." So trust me when I say I suffer for my work. I'm going to have to go find like another 1,000 pictures of Japanese porn now. Anyway, just to make this point that much clearer: I AM NOT DOING THIS. I AM NOT REALLY DOING THIS. 
A Japanese PrincessSince dating a Japanese girl has long been one of my goals, the thought did cross my mind that a more economical solution than trying to win over some random Japanese-American girl I saw on the street would be to just import one directly from the motherland. To that end, my first Google search was "Japanese mail order bride". Incidentally, I think someone needs to alert them that Japan is in fact located only in Asia, and neither Africa nor Russia. My problem with this site is that it's not purely a Japanese girl site, it's a multinational one. Which explains the logo above, but I still have to poke fun at it, because the site would have you believe it concentrates solely on Japanese girls. After a bit of searching, I managed to uncover a grand total of 11 Japanese girls, none of them younger than 26. I originally only planned on rating girls from 18-25 in order to have a consistent age group, and in order to have a more appealling group of girls to look at. Needless to say, this didn't bode well.
Quality of Presentation: D Information Provided: C Top Pick: C- 
Jeje InternationalAll Filipina girls, all the time. It warrants mentioning that if you ever do go look for mail-order bride sites, 90% of Asian ones are dedicated to Filipina girls. Why is this? Well, it probably has something to do with economics, but I don't really feel like thinking about that right now. I will say that I've only ever met two Filipina girls in my life, though, and both were quite attractive. If you could overlook the fact that they both had more facial hair that me.
Quality of Presentation: B- Information Provided: C+ Top Pick: B 
Asian SinglesAsian Singles has more than just Asian women, with Russians and Cryllics as well. I don't even know what a Cryllic is. Asian Singles also publishes a bimonthly catalog of newly added women for those who don't know how to use the Internet to search for mail-order brides, and those who like to masturbate to moderately unattractive Asian women seeking sugar daddies. So, it's the catalog that costs $5.99, not each woman. They also claim that they're NOT a mail-order bride site, saying that mail-order implies they're purchasing something. Of course, the women on CL's erotic services section say they're not whores either. You be the judge.
Quality of Presentation: B Information Provided: C Top Pick: B- 
Exotic Asian WomenFor my overview, I'll just quote two paragraphs from their homepage. "Hot Young Women Photo List NUDE Photo List of sexy women and wild girls complete with naked pictures, full names, addresses, bio-data ... the works!" "Oriental Lust Goddesses Photo List Oriental Lust Goddesses and other specially selected penpals!" We may have a winner.
Prices: 5 addresses for $20, up to 50 addresses for $99; in addition, their Sexy Singapore Sirens Photo List, Hot Young Women Photo List, Oriental Lust Goddesses Photo List, L.B.F.M.s, and "How and What to Write to Asian Women" handbook are all $19.95 Quality of Presentation: D Information Provided: D- Top Pick: D In my Basic Probability class over the summer, we did the most fantastic math problem ever, describing the optimal way to find your soul mate (or at least the best possible person for you in a finite number of dates). It's also based on the assumption that once you enter into a relationship with someone, at some point you have to decide whether to marry them or let them go forever. Without going into specifics, the optimal solution was to decide beforehand how many dates or relationships you're willing to try, and then let the first 37% of people go by without marrying them. Then for every relationship after that, if that person is better than all of the first 37% of people you first dated, you should marry them. Theoretically, following this strategy, you have a 37% chance of marrying your soul mate. Which is pretty good, I think, since it works for any amount of relationships that you originally intend to enter into. Anyway, the moral of the story is this - fuck that. If you're 30 and unmarried, go marry the first attractive person on the street who will have you. Don't get desperate and have to order a god damn mail order bride. Because they look hideous. Like River Phoenix told Nicolas Cage in 8MM, there are some things you just can't unsee. |
Pricing: $15 for one address, up to $150 for 75
Pricing: $15 for one address, up to $2 per address after 25
Prices: Silver Membership offers 1-2 addresses per month for $9 each; Gold - up to 13 addresses/month for $7 each; Platinum - $95 activation fee, $19.95/month every month thereafter for up to 100 addresses per month