Green is in the air as the University sells blunts to make up lost funds
On April 20th, as hundreds of students flocked to Memorial Glade in Bob Marley shirts to look for a cure for their moderate glaucoma, anxiety, and stress, the University announced that it would be holding a “Baked sale” to help raise funds for its 150 million dollar deficit.
Administration officials set up a large booth just in front of Doe Library where it was selling everything from “Suspicious Delicious Brownies”, “Super Smooth Smoothies”, and “Edibles by the Bowl”. Also available was a strain of marijuana known as “Stanford Mascot” made available to elitist snobs and anyone who had no sense of school pride.
For students that were too incapacitated to get up from their spot on Memorial Glade, the university launched a mobile app from which students could order baked goods to be delivered to them. Unfortunately, because the IT department routed the app through Cal Central, the app wound up crashing and locking everyone out within 30 seconds of its release.
Though Chancellor Dirks intended to have joint meeting on Memorial Glade to discuss the University’s new Green initiative, the meeting has reportedly been canceled after Dirks found out that students were having a joint meeting of their own.
Although pot smoking on campus has traditionally been a very diverse pastime inclusive of all majors, there has been a rise in the number of self professed philosophy majors, while squirrel watching has gone up 150%.
Protests and disagreements at Berkeley are also at an all time low. In an interview with the only Trump Supporter on campus Bud Chang, Chang reported that there is no longer any political or social issue he feels as strongly about anymore ”I used to consider myself a pretty big conservative guy, especially in Berkeley” he said, before taking hit from a joint. “But now after I feel the Burnnn, I realize that it’s allllgoood man.”
Dining hall food satisfaction is at an all time high, with the Dining Halls running out of cereal within the first 20 minutes of opening. The line for late night tonight is projected to be harder to get into than a Beyonce concert. By the way, if anyone is selling tickets, we’ll trade you some jokes, any spare change we have, and a half eaten Snickers for one.
This article was written as a joint collaboration between Burr K. Lee and Hugh-Stan. Happy Holidaze! Also take a second and count the number of words in this article.