On a Saturday afternoon when even the gods themselves were weeping for Cal’s soon inevitable loss, thousands of poncho-clad Bears rolled into California memorial stadium, hoping to win back the Stanford Axe. The Cal students in attendance wanted the axe not only to feel better about getting rejected from Stanford, but also to present it to Chancellor Dirks as a going away present; they felt that the axe would perfectly symbolize Dirks’s legacy to our beloved school as he chopped off chunk after chunk of our public funds. Although it was only 36 degrees that day, everyone was still heated by the election of Donald Trump and were thus warmed by their internal inferno. It was a truly heartwarming occasion with golden bears coming together in solidarity to pursue a common goal— not to beat Stanford, but to support Cal’s sorry excuse for a team as they inevitably got beaten.
The game seemed to be off to a good start as Cal gained some momentum. That’s when Christian McCaffrey, Stanford’s star running back and dreamy-eyed heartthrob among secretly fawning golden bears, came to life. McCaffrey made the already horrendous Cal defense look worse than UCLA’s rankings. According to first year chemistry major Molly Cule, :” If we substituted the players with a bunch of students dressed as Oskis, the creepy psychological horror would definitely play better defense than our team, since we played none. Seriously, we should just raffle students to play defense and give them scholarships rather than pouring millions of dollars into Cal football just to give Stanford the axe for 7 straight years.”
On the other hand, it’s just a game after all. As one disgruntled Cal student puts it, “If Stanford likes the axe so much, they might as well keep it. I’m sure we can pick up a new one at Home Depot; who needs an old rusty axe from 1933? “ This kind of attitude precisely encompasses the spirit of Cal–It’s all about finding silver linings. A big part of a golden bear’s life is to learn to be positive, and find every reason to persuade yourself that you made the right decision for college. Extensive research has led to the conclusion that Cal students don’t need the A’s that Stanford students get handed with; a C is just as impressive. Furthermore, it can be reasonably assumed that Cal students actually enjoy fighting their way through Sproul, as the constant flyering indicates to students that they are important individuals who can make a difference on campus. Students may even enjoy the three-hour line to see their advisors, nevermind the fact that L&S students don’t even have one. Guaranteed seating in classes? Stanford students will never be able to enjoy the thrill of watching their waitlist positions gradually drop down from 183 to 181 in a heart-racing attempt to enroll in required courses. Can a Stanford student ever experience the adrenaline rush from receiving a Cleary warning about armed robbery that took place just a block from their apartments? Most unlikely. Can Stanford students ever watch their lectures online because the classrooms are not big enough for 1000 students?Again, it is unlikely. These are just a few strong positives aspects about being a Cal student.
(Sad Reacts Only Pls)
Not to mention Cal has not only one of the dankest meme pages in the universe, but also crap pronouns invented right here that is worthy of a buzzfeed list. Anyway, the point is, who cares about a football game? Certainly not Cal. Students have even thought about renaming it the small game because of how little they care about the outcome. So what if Cal is dismal at football? So what Cal is not privileged with excess wealth (especially after Dirks)? Proud Golden bears don’t need superfluous benefits to get them through college (Except for quality memes and a dream of someday graduating). So, Stanford, you can take the Campanile and stick it up your over-privileged red behind. As long as Oski’s by their side, Cal students will be fine. We can’t wait to see the look on Stanford faces after Cal loses again next year in Palo Alto.