Starting next year, a personality test will be added to undergraduates’ application process for Berkeley’s Haas School of Business. According to the spokesperson of the Haas Admissions Committee, the test will replace the essay portion of the current application requirements, considerably shortening the time students have spend on figuring out euphemisms for “Please accept me, I really want money and I don’t want to be Econ.”
The committee members have come to the agreement that, as stated by the spokesperson, [su_quote]the current essay prompts are time-consuming and utterly useless, as they only serve to produce entirely contrived images of power-hungry students attempting to make their capitalistic goals seem meaningful.[/su_quote] Since most of the anti-capitalist, Haas-bashing student press were fangirling at Sen. Bernie Sanders in Zellerbach on Friday, the Haas Admissions Committee was able to peacefully hold a press conference without being attacked by raging socialists. They have announced that “after examining the many common struggles that Haas students share, such as hiding crippling insecurities behind an arrogant facade, ineptitude at writing codes for CS 61A, and not getting bids to frats, we have concluded that a personality test should be sufficient to generally assess a student’s capacity to maintain his or her ego while feeling overwhelmingly inadequate.” The spokesperson continued on with “We are sick and tired of reading your tedious dreams of making the world a better place that start with landing a six-figs salary first job- which, by the way, only happens if you marry an EECS major – so we have decided to abolish the essay requirement and replace it with a comprehensive personality test.”[su_pullquote align=”right” class=”“]We are sick and tired of reading your tedious dreams of making the world a better place that start with landing a six-figs salary first job[/su_pullquote]
According to the committee, the personality test will be short and succinct, consisting of only 100 questions, each coming with 4 subparts, taking only as much time as one CS problem set. The questions have not been finalized yet, but the confirmed ones include: “What are your go-to methods for backstabbing friends in order to pursue personal benefits?” and “how would you convince your genius friend to be Econ so that there is less competition?” as well as “would you choose between acing your math 1B, drinking every week at your frat, and having enough sleep, or would you just take 16B and have it all?”
The students who have just finished their applications are not taking this news very well. Chad Dickinson, a sophomore student, has expressed his frustration via social media. [su_pullquote class=”“]”Why did they not do this earlier? I spent hours on Thanksgiving writing my essays when I could have just spent my time arguing with my uncle about the election!”[/su_pullquote] “Why did they not do this earlier? I spent hours on Thanksgiving writing my essays when I could have just spent my time arguing with my uncle about the election!”Some students, however, have proposed further changes to the Haas applications. Multiple sources informed The Beet that a petition has been circulating this weekend that demands for the future personality test to be shortened to one question: “Do you consider yourself a competitive whining prick who has no life besides your frat, drinking, hookups, and poorly concealed depression?”
Interested in joining The Beet? We’re hiring!