Finals week is right around the corner, and Berkeley students have flooded the campus libraries in a desperate attempt to compensate for their lack of productivity throughout the semester. This miserable week before finals is known as “ dead week ”, as every Berkeley student is either on the verge of death or wishing death upon him or herself.
Every semester during this time of distress, certain campus organizations offer the support of cuddly therapy dogs to help students relieve stress. However, after their trip to Berkeley this semester, the comforting canines have begun to show symptoms of depression. Several vets, after closely monitoring the dogs’ behavior, have come to the conclusion that a number of Berkeley students must have realized they needed at least a 700% on their finals to pass, and when hugging the dogs, somehow transmitted the helplessness and despair onto these innocent animals. “They won’t eat or sleep, and they are unresponsive to most stimuli yet somehow strangely sensitive to liquor and quality memes. Those two substances seem to be the only things that can cheer them up,” reported a representative of the program. [su_pullquote align=”right” class=”“] “They won’t eat or sleep, and they are unresponsive to most stimuli yet somehow strangely sensitive to liquor and quality memes. [/su_pullquote]“We tried everything to bring them out of depression, such as mixing some Prozac into their food and hiring professional dog therapists, but none of it worked except for memes.” However, due to the recent shortage of quality memes, the animal healthcare workers admitted that it is getting harder and harder to cheer the dogs up. “We used to whisper, ‘As a member of the Greek community and a part of one of these organizations this is highly offensive. Sororities at UC Berkeley make it their goal to give women a place to feel comfortable as well as better the community. Comparing specific houses to characters from a movie about bullying is absurd and beyond inaccurate. Making the claim that sororities are cliques is demeaning the sisterhood and values they are founded on. This clearly is a stab at a community on campus that does nothing but support the rest of the student body’, and that would do the trick. Unfortunately, it seems as if the dogs have built up their immunity against subpar memes, and they just keep on spiraling towards depression.”
It is truly tragic that dozens of dogs, exuberant and happy before encountering the Berkeley Dead Week crowd, have transformed into middle-aged white housewives— struggling with alcohol and clinical depression. Seeing this as an irreversible situation, the animal program has regretfully scheduled for all of the dogs to be euthanized this week so that their suffering can end. When the distressed dogs heard this news, they all barked with joy, as they knew the depression and stress of Cal students will no longer plague their minds anymore. Obviously, finals are still in our immediate future, and the best thing Cal students can do is to pass their classes to honor the soon to be dead dogs; however, this feat is simply impossible to some Berkeley students. According to inside sources, the puppy petting zoo will return despite the incident. They have requested of Cal students that the next time we feel stressed and in need of animal companionship, we should go on the meme page and cleanse our souls of depression for 30 minutes before getting in contact with a therapy dog. Hopefully, this can avoid further depression-related casualties, at least for the dogs.