California Drought Resurgence Traced to Moffitt Toilets

Californians rejoiced mid January as positive news finally broke in regards to the five year drought, with the United States Geological Survey claiming that the worst is finally over and that EECS majors no longer have an excuse for not showering. Though the immediate danger has passed, the USGS claims that there is still high potential for a resurgence, particularly in the Bay Area. The National Drought Mitigation Center has conducted extensive research and determined that the source of the problem can be traced to the bathrooms of Moffitt Library (located on the campus of the University of California, Berkeley), where, researchers say, an inordinate amount of water is wasted daily “due to the dumbest smart toilets we have ever seen.”

        “I hadn’t even pulled my pants down yet and the thing flushed, like, two times,” one researcher reports. “It just doesn’t make sense.”

        “It flushed when I reached for toilet paper, pulled out a new tampon, and when I sneezed. My buttcheeks wiggled when I reached up to wipe my nose and it flushed then too.”

        Reporters took turns walking into the all the stalls of both the unisex and gendered bathrooms of the fourth and fifth library floors respectively. Though they tried different methods of walking and crawling, they still found, much to their dismay, that the toilets could only too easily sense their approach regardless of “how sneaky” they were. One researcher suggested disguises, which resulted in inordinately long lines for the fourth floor restrooms as students stopped to take pictures of scientists dressed as giant urinals dancing in and out of the stalls. Another researcher tried holding rainsticks to mimic the soft sound of water in an effort to “pacify the toilet gods,” but again with no effect.

Chancellor Dirks has assured that public funds will be divested immediately from his spring break plans to assist in finding more water conscious ways of waste disposal. At press time, distressed environmental studies majors could be seen attempting to tape over all motion sensors to slow down the rate of flushes, but with little success.

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