Student Criticizes “Pathetic” Athletes in Winter Olympics after 15th Bag of Doritos

With a beer in hand and orange dorito dust powdering his extremities, UC Berkeley junior Joe Richard watched the winter olympic halfpipe competition in disgust. “Wow, I could pull off that 1080 in my sleep, bro,” he exclaimed, despite having never seen snow in his life. Nevertheless, he remains an avid winter olympics follower, considering himself “practically an expert” as he has been watching the winter olympics since 2014.

This year’s winter olympics had gotten off to a hot start for young athletes with two 17 year olds clinching gold.  When reminded of these incredible feats, Joe was quick to mention that he had an interview for a unpaid internship coming up, although tears of desperation had already begun to well in his eyes.

Wallowing in poorly concealed self-hatred and an abundance of Thin Mint crumbs, Joe Richard’s halfhearted criticisms ultimately mean nothing and certainly don’t diminish the incredible achievements of Olympians who can’t even vote yet. In the end, Joe’s attempts to boost his already moribund self esteem will most likely be counteracted by an inevitably abysmal set of midterm scores within the next few weeks.

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