Residents of Berkeley have had their self-control pushed to the limit this spring season ever since the local Girl Scout Chapter began their merciless assault on the city. Little girls aged 7-11 along with their mothers have laid siege to every street corner, school entrance, and dispensary storefront for miles. “I was really happy to see them at first” admits UC Berkeley junior, Rey Bautista, “but the longer they’re here, the more aggressive they get. I’m running out of cash to give them, but they don’t care because they take venmo now. Did you know they take venmo?”
“I’m kind of worried for my health,” reports Berkeley freshman, Alan Walker. “I’ve been really good at avoiding the freshman fifteen because I live in Clark Kerr and all my classes are in VLSB, but if I keep eating nothing but TagalongsⓇ and Thin MintsⓇ, I’m definitely going to become diabetic and lose all my teeth to cavities before the end of the semester.”
We here at The Beet deeply sympathize with these struggles, and have compiled the following list of five easy ways to get out of buying Girl Scout Cookies.
1.Just don’t go to class (or anywhere, for that matter).
Abstinence is, after all, the only truly foolproof birth control, so why not just be abstinent from life itself? In this way, you can avoid not only the dangers the Girl Scouts present, but the dangers of Berkeley in general. You can’t suffer from falling grades or from social drama if you drop all your classes and have no friends.
2. Bring a boy scout with you to battle the girl scout.
Girl scouts and boy scouts have many different shared qualities, but the most prominent is this: most of them are super tiny. They’re all basically pocket sized monsters- Pokemon, if you will. Why not live out your childhood fantasy of training and battling your favorite Pokemon by using these kids as substitutes? The fact that they’re part of rival organizations should help you sell the idea to any unconvinced boy scout, and you can pay him in candy or fidget spinners or whatever kids are into these days after the battle is over.
3. Wear a girl scout uniform to blend in with your fellow scouts and slip by the booths unnoticed.
Keep in mind the fact that girl scouts are, in fact, little girls. Their brains have not yet fully developed, and neither has their sense of mistrust for other people. Seize the opportunity to take advantage of their naivete with a handy disguise that will fool any little girl ages 7-11. If you feel self conscious about being an adult wearing a child’s clothes, remember that our Lord and Savior Fergie rocked this classic outfit in her iconic 2006 hit music video for “Fergalicious.” If Fergie can do it, so can you.
4. Bait the mother of the girl scout with something that moms like. Think lavender scented Yankee Candle or red wine in a mason jar.
Oftentimes the mothers of the girl scouts can be harder to get around than the girls. Don’t let their tenacity and yoga pants strike fear into your heart- get around them with a perfectly crafted diversion in the form of things that basic moms can’t get enough off. She’ll be too busy chugging wine and huffing “Country Lemonade” or whatever rustic candle scent you give her to notice you’ve passed her by.
5. Play the long game. Get into Haas if you’re not in already, become a business mogul, and take over the entire Girl Scouts organization. As “Grand Ceremonial War Chief of the Scouts,” you will have the power to stop them from swarming around your favorite grocery stores and parks.
This one is pretty self explanatory, but it’s applicable to only Freshmen and Sophomores. Juniors and Seniors will have to put together a pitch for this plan to any snakey friends they have and hope for the best.