..:: the devesh campaign ::..
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Page last modified Tuesday, 24-Jun-2003 01:54:43 PDT
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In which Devesh finds $5 in his pocket, runs for senate, and documents his journey.

I 1337 |-|4><0|2 the ASUC.


I wanted to do it figuratively, but I lost. Later in the day, while looking at the ASUC website, I noticed that their scripts were going unparsed, showing their account login/pass to the world. I had three options:

  • Update the website to say,
    "President Elect: Devesh '1337 |-|4><0|2' Parekh"

  • Update the database to give me more votes, and ask for the votes to be reprocessed.

  • Update the webmaster on the brokenness of his site.

At this point, I asked myself, "What would Mario Mario do?" I jumped into the nearest pipe.

I vote for myself.


Did you think I was going to spend $5 to get my name on the ballot and not vote for myself?

Unfortunately, my name appeared on the ballot as Devesh "1337 |-|2><0|2" Parekh. That isn't even any of the ways the Election Council said they would misspell it. Those punks!

Elections begin!


To start the election with publicity done right, I made a sign and stuck it on my backpack. I stood in front of the IEEE webcam with it. I went to class with it. I even went to an Apple Infosession with it. By the end of the day, it had glow sticks hanging from it. How many other people were campaigning with glow sticks? Did you just read that question without answering it? You did it again! Fine, be that way!

Flyers in Evans!


Look at that! I'm listed as the first endorsed senator! A cursory glance might make you think it's ordered by number, but #133 follows #149. This can only mean that I'm the best one there is!

Attempt at Big-Time Publicity


I often talked with people about how I could get my name in the Daily Cal. I finally decided that a big enough Election Council censure could accomplish just that. Anthony helped me figure out how -- if I slandered myself in the Daily Cal, I could try to censure myself for slander and then try to censure myself for filing a frivolous charge against myself. One would have to go through, and I would get further Daily Cal publicity because they would report it because they played a role. Brilliant! My letter-to-the-editor follows:

Devesh "1337 |-|4><0|2" Parekh is a stupidhead who wouldn't be able to find his way out of the broad side of a barn if it fell in his lap. He has no chance in this election and nothing to offer the students and should be thrown out immediately.

Sealand? Huh?


The Bureau of Internal Affairs of the Principality of Sealand responded today, declining to endorse me. The Chief of Bureau questioned my assertion that this is the largest student elections in the country. They wanted more information about my campaign, but by the time this e-mail came, my CS projects were 0\/\/|\|!|\|6 me with a capital 0.

I submit to you, my loyal readers, that the ASUC Election Candidates' Guide does not lie. It quite literally does not even know what it means to lie! If it says this is the largest student elections in the country, then by golly, it is the largest student elections in the country!

The People


I have decided that should (or when) I get elected, as a representative of The People, I will replace "I" in my daily conversations with "The People." I envision having conversations like the following:

Discussing the Relative Merits of Variously Packaged Sodas

Me: Although Pepsi in a can is preferable to Coke in a can, Coke in a bottle is far superior to Pepsi in a bottle.
My Mother: Pepsi was cheaper.
Me: The People demand Coke in a bottle!

Singing a Song

Me: Oh, The People wish The People were an Oscar Meyer Weiner.
That is what The People'd truly like to be-ee-ee.
'Cause if The People were an Oscar Meyer weiner,
Everyone would be in love with them.

Of course, The People wouldn't let this get to their heads. Note that this has nothing to do with my dropping of the term "internet" in favor of "information superhighway" earlier this week.



I was briefly mentioned in the latest Engineering News.

I went to turn in stuff to the Elections Council rabble today, and I had a conversation along the lines of the following:

Me: I want to turn in this campaign literature.
ASUC: [Recognizing me] Oh yeah. You're that guy who had those absolute value signs in your name. We couldn't find them in Word, so the ballot has "absolute value sign" spelled out instead for now.
Me: [Listening incredulously] ...!!!!???!?!!????!
ASUC: There were also some other errors in the ballot, so there might be time to change it before we print the new ones.
Me: It's the thing you get when you hold down "shift" and press "\" on the keyboard.
ASUC: When you get back home tonight, send me the instructions for how to get the absolute value sign at such-and-such e-mail address.
Me: [Relieved that it isn't another Hotmail account] OK.

I learn more about the campaign rules.


It turns out that Anthony was the person who so generously chalked my name over a Student Action chalking (erased by somebody else) outside of Soda. I asked him if I could get a powerful Daily Cal-worthy censure out of it. It turns out that erasing people's chalkings is perfectly legal. What's more, we can tear down campaign fliers willy-nilly without worrying about the Judicial Council getting on our case. Any CS 162 people want to tear down those Cal-Serve fliers so obnoxiously loudly stapled outside 10 Evans during lecture? I'm not going to stop you. Neither is the Judicial Council.

It arrives!


Put any ideas for campaign pictures to take and send to Nintendo Power in the Campaign Suggestions thread. Enjoy! (Head on over the the HKN Soda office for a closer look.)



My name got chalked outside of Soda. It appears to have been chalked over some erased chalking, possibly some other candidate's. My initial hope was that this was illegal, so I could get my name in the Daily Cal for free publicity, but then I saw erased chalkings all over campus, and my dreams were shattered.

NP Complete?


The writers of Nintendo Power have offered me an endorsement from "NP Writers" because they can't speak for the whole magazine. There is also talk of campaign coverage in a future issue of Nintendo Power. This endorsement will surely blast my campaign into the forefront of respectability!

NP Hard.


My campaign experienced its first major setback today. Nintendo Power declined to endorse my campaign, citing possible alienation of certain sectors of this campus. They did, however, wish me the best of luck with my campaign and offered to jump on the bandwagon upon my (certain) victory.

I get my first campaign literature.


Jdonald, in a fit of creativity, made me some fliers. Then he realized that I did not make a Mario Party. Then he realized that his fliers do not say anything about me running with a Mario Party anyway. Then he posted the fliers in Soda and Cory.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

I turn in my voter's guide blurb.


They made me turn it in on a floppy disk, and I didn't save it anywhere else, so I made a replica fom memory and converted to PDF using that magical free PDF-maker I like to call "the BearTraks resume uploader." Here's a sneak peek.

My website is finished!


Behold! Enjoy yourselves.

Since EECS majors aren't known to be outspoken, I'll give you all an incentive to post suggestions. The first person to post a suggestion I approve will get a Microsoft flashy noisy yo-yo (batteries included!), individually signed and numbered by none other than Devesh "1337 |-|4><0|2" Parekh himself.

Communications with Elections Council


They e-mailed me to tell me that I will be #47 on the ballot. Darn you, #42!

I e-mailed my ballot name correction like they asked. A summary follows:

Me: My nickname should be "1337 |-|4><0|2" and not "1337 1-14><012" The "|" is what you get when you hold down "shift" and press the "\" button.
ASUC: Remote host said: 552 Requested mail action aborted: exceeded storage allocation

I go to the mandatory candidates' meeting.


What a sight! Those 150 people are individually as popular as Pokemon, yet they are collectively among the most hated groups of people on campus. They talked loudly and gesticulated wildly to people standing right next to them. An interesting group of people to study, I'm sure, but I wanted to get back to my 162 project. They started the 7:30 meeting at exactly 8:30 and wrapped up around 10:30. I learned the rules of campaigning. Also, those fools had my ballot name as Devesh "1337 1-14><01" Parekh.

I start making my website again.


Let this be a lesson to you: If you have an IBM hard drive, have a good backup policy. That's right IBM -- I just slammed your hard drives, and the judicial council is powerless to stop me! All my work from the wee hours of the night was gone, so I connected to ucsee.eecs, started emacs, and began anew.

I get my first big endorsement.


On this day, I got endorsements from Jason Hu and Nathan Klejwa, president and vice-president of HKN respectively (titles for identification purposes only).
I am probably also endorsed by:
cs186-hl cs188-ds cs162-fh Val Grinberg chenmor moomeh cs164-ae Devesh cs162-ng dhsu cs162-bg cs162-g47 cs162-nc cs162-be cs184-fq cs184-rc cs162-fd cs61c-bn cs164-jf U of M Kevin Deenihan cs162-fj Kun :cs164-dv sid vliang cs164-db cs184-bb zymurgy alvin Max M rntan cs162-gz cs162-ce cs162-cd bryonr rb cs162-cj James Soh

I start making a campaign website.


I decided to make a campaign website because I sure wasn't going to go around carrying a sign and talking to random people on Sproul. I started up emacs on hkn.eecs and coded into the wee hours.

I turn in my application


Though the picture doesn't really show it, I put Devesh "1337 |-|4><0|2" Parekh as my ballot name. I paid my $5.

No new party.


After a flurry of e-mails, I decided that there will be no Mario Party this semester. Registering a party costs $20. I do not have $20 in my pocket. Following is a brief summary of my e-mails.

Me: If I'm not running with a party, can I put anything I want in the party section of the candidacy form?
ASUC: To make the party legit, you have to fill out the attached form and pay $20.
ASUC: Sorry, I forgot to attach the form. Here it is.
Me: What happens if the party I run with is not legit?
ASUC: I think you get disqualified.

A new party?


I decided with some floormates (Allan #2 and Zymurgy) that Mario Party would be a good party to start and run for. I had originally planned on starting the "Give Devesh's Brother the Palm Pilot He Rightfully Deserves Party," which I figured would dominate ASUC politics in 5 years' time, but it just lacked that magical ring.

How to get elected #2


At the party meeting, I learned many interesting things. One senator told us that a successful senate campaign requires scantily-clad women.

Observation 1: I am not a scantily-clad woman.
Observation 2: I do not have scantily-clad women in my pocket (only $5).
Observation 3: Google has access to more scantily-clad women than all the other campaigns put together.
Observation 4: Google is now on my campaign website.
Conclusion: I am back on the road to a successful campaign.

How to get elected #1


Last year, there was a party called the Pizza Party. They promised to spend the entire ASUC budget on "one large, orgasmic pizza party in the center of Sproul." This platform obviously has universal appeal. I got to thinking how they could possibly have lost the presidency to a person whose platform has basically amounted to throwing a banquet for homeless people.

Then it hit me like a Beetle Bop Turbonium -- they promised too little. The ASUC funds can handle more than just one "large, orgasmic pizza party in the center of Sproul." Meanwhile, the other guy promised more than just a banquet for the homeless. Therefore, the key is to promise more stuff, whether or not people actually find the stuff you promise useful or even if you can deliver on it. Unfortunately, I can't come up with useless stuff very easily. Darn.

I decide not to run with an established party.


After much battling with campus phones and CS projects, I finally decide to have the party chair call me (instead of vice versa). (Party anonymized to protect the innocent.)

Party Chair: What is your platform?
Me: I want the ASUC to give my brother the Palm Pilot they owe him from a year ago.
Party Chair: Uh huh. Yeah, I remember that.
. . .
Party Chair: So normally, a senate candidate will spend $200 on his campaign. Are you willing to put in $200?
Me: No.
Party Chair: I see.

The conversation ended shortly thereafter, but I got invited to the party meeting.

I decide to run.


Over an infosession dinner in Wozniak Lounge, Anthony explained his plight:

Anthony: We want engineers to run for senate, but there aren't enough who want to...
Me: I'll run for senate.
Anthony: ...so we're running people who are graduating.
Me: I'll run for senate.
Anthony: There aren't any engineers that want to run for senate.
Me: I'll run for senate.
Anthony: OK. I'll get you in contact with a party chair.

[Ed. note: Anthony is no longer running any people who are graduating.]

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