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Topic: Math Jokes (Read 33608 times) |
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ThudnBlunder
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Last week at Tel Aviv airport an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is
a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
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| « Last Edit: May 31st, 2003, 3:30am by ThudnBlunder » |
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THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH.....................................................................er, if that's all right with the rest of you.
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ThudnBlunder
wu::riddles Moderator
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The dewdrop slides into the shining Sea
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #1 on: May 31st, 2003, 4:15am » |
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Death
LIFE = [smiley=int.gif] (Happiness).dt
Birth
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| « Last Edit: Jan 29th, 2004, 12:52pm by ThudnBlunder » |
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THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH.....................................................................er, if that's all right with the rest of you.
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aero_guy
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #2 on: Jun 6th, 2003, 7:30am » |
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lim(Pennstate education)=No Job
month->May
There were four engineers driving in a car; a chemical, electrical, mechanical, and computer engineer. Suddenly the engine dies and they have to pull over. The Mechanical guy says, "Did you hear that thunk? We threw a rod. The car is dead and we are going to have to get it towed."
The Chemical Engineer says, "No way, didn't you hear all that knocking for the last hour? It is just a fuel problem. We flush out the fuel lines and we will be fine."
The Electrical Engineer replies, "You guys are both full of it. The car died from a loss of spark. I bet we blew a little fuse somewhere. If we pull off the panel we can fix it in three minutes."
They argue for a while and the realize that the computer engineer has been very quiet, so they ask him what his opinion of the problem is. He says, "Well what if we all get out of the car and then back in again?"
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ThudnBlunder
wu::riddles Moderator
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The dewdrop slides into the shining Sea
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #3 on: Oct 11th, 2003, 11:04pm » |
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Three Navaho women sit side by side on the ground. The first woman, who is sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 140 pounds. The second woman, who is sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 160 pounds. The third woman, who weighs 300 pounds, is sitting on a hippopotamus skin. What famous geometric theorem does this symbolize?
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THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH.....................................................................er, if that's all right with the rest of you.
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Icarus
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #4 on: Oct 12th, 2003, 3:13pm » |
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::The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.::
Beware, T&B the Pythagoreans will now be looking for YOUR hide! They've been known to kill before when someone crossed them! 
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"Pi goes on and on and on ...
And e is just as cursed.
I wonder: Which is larger
When their digits are reversed? " - Anonymous
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wowbagger
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #5 on: Oct 15th, 2003, 7:10am » |
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The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply." A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes.
"What's the problem?" says Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.
Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy.
Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"
"Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."
A Neanderthal child rode to school with a boy from Hamilton. When his mother found out she said, "What did I tell you? If you commute with a Hamiltonian you'll never evolve!"
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"You're a jerk, <your surname>!"
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maryl
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Over-analyzing a problem-
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent
and are asleep.
Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a
minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks:
"Tonto, you dumb-ass, someone has stolen our tent."
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| « Last Edit: Oct 18th, 2003, 3:03pm by maryl » |
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BNC
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #7 on: Oct 19th, 2003, 8:27am » |
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Three scientists observed that 2 people entered a house and 3 came out.
The physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologist: "They have reproduced."
The mathematician: "If one person enters the house, it will be empty again."
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How about supercalifragilisticexpialidociouspuzzler [Towr, 2007]
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BNC
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #8 on: Oct 19th, 2003, 8:34am » |
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Is it really just to get to the other side?
Scientific explanations:
Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion cross roads. [Newton]
The road moved beneath the chicken. [Einstein]
We're not sure which side of the road the chicken was on. [Heisenberg]
There was already a chicken on this side of the road. [Pauli]
Unscientific ones:
For fun. [Epicurus]
Because the road was there. [Sir Edmund Hilary]
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. [Torquemada]
If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too! [Mr. T.]
None of your business: We own the chicken and we own the road. [Bill Gates]
I missed one? [Colonel Sanders]
The chicken did not --I repeat: did not-- cross the road. [Richard Nixon]
That's the way it is. [Walter Cronkite]
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated. [Mark Twain]
Define "road". [Bill Clinton]
Philosophical ones:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature. [Buddha]
It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads. [Aristotle]
He was exercising his natural right to liberty. [John Locke]
Gaze too long across the Road and the Road gazes across you. [Nietzsche]
It was a historical inevitability. [Marx]
The possibility was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road". [Wittgenstein]
Spinoff:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
A: To get to the same side.
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How about supercalifragilisticexpialidociouspuzzler [Towr, 2007]
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BNC
Uberpuzzler
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #9 on: Oct 19th, 2003, 8:52am » |
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Funny Units
In the Troy system of units, the millihelen is the amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
A microhelen is roughly the amount of beauty required to motivate one sailor.
The microcentury is 52 minutes and 35.76 seconds and was introduced by Enrico Fermi as the "standard" duration of a lecture period. It's equal to exactly 3155.76 s, as an exact submultiple of the scientific Julian century, which is defined to be equal to 36525 days of 86400 (SI) seconds each.
The attoparsec (apc) is the only official SI unit in this dubious bunch, it's equal to about an inch (or 1¼", more precisely, 3.08567758 cm)... Well, as they say, "Give some people an attoparsec and they'll take 16.09344 tera-ångströms."
A nanoacre is exactly 4.0468564224 mm2.
The microfortnight is about one second (more precisely, 1.2096 s).
The furlong per fortnight is about 2 ft per hour (0.1663 mm/s).
The millicochrane and microcochrane are submultiples of a unit of subspace distortion, named after Zefram Cochrane (2030-2117).
If you think the above is pretty bad, check some of the entries here, or below:
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbird
1000 whales = 1 kilowhale
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
10 monologues = 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
0.01 mentals = 1 centimental
0.001 ink machines = 1 millink machine
0.001 on = 1 million
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How about supercalifragilisticexpialidociouspuzzler [Towr, 2007]
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william wu
wu::riddles Administrator
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #10 on: Oct 26th, 2003, 4:32am » |
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Three statisticians went bow hunting for deer. They spot a big buck and take aim. One shoots and his arrow flies off ten feet to the left. The second shoots, and his arrow veers ten feet to the right. The third statistician jumps up and down yelling, "WE GOT HIM!!!"
A group of Polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through the Grand Canyon on a sightseeing tour. The tour guide announces: "On the right of the airplane, you can see the famous Bright Angle Falls." The tourists leap out of their seats and crowd to the windows on the right side. This causes a dynamic imbalance, and the plane violently rolls to the side and crashes into the canyon wall. All aboard are lost. The moral to this episode is: always keep your poles off the right side of the plane.
A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!!!!"
The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."
The Fourier Transform Song (3.2 Megabytes; warning: very annoying):
http://www.stanford.edu/~willywu/downloads/Fouriers_Song.mp3
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| « Last Edit: Oct 31st, 2003, 9:49pm by william wu » |
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[ wu ] : http://wuriddles.com / http://forums.wuriddles.com
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Redingensian
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What's a mathematical dessert?
Raisin' pi to the teeth
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BNC
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #12 on: Nov 4th, 2003, 7:42am » |
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It was just announced that a forth Matrix (C) movie will be produced.
The new movie will be named "Matrix transposed".
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How about supercalifragilisticexpialidociouspuzzler [Towr, 2007]
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rmsgrey
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #13 on: Nov 23rd, 2003, 1:18am » |
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An engineer, a mathematician and a physicist all stay overnight in identical hotel rooms. In the middle of the night, they each awaken to find the curtains of their room are on fire. The engineer immediately leaps out of bed, dashes over to the sink, turns the taps on full flow and vigorously scoops water towards the curtain with a cup. A short while later, the firs is out, the carpet soaked, and the engineer squishes back to bed. The pysicist, meanwhile, on seeing the fire, gets out a pencil and an old envelope and scribbles a few hasty calculations, walks over to the sink, half fills the cup and pours it carefully onto the curtains. A quiet hiss and a small amount of steam later, the fire is out, and the curtains just barely damp, and the physicist returns to bed. The mathematician, however, on seeing the fire, looks over at the sink, sees the tap, sees the cup and turns over and goes back to sleep, secure in the knowledge that a solution exists.
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rmsgrey
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #14 on: Nov 23rd, 2003, 1:21am » |
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Q:How can you tell the difference between an extroverted and an introverted mathematician?
A(Hidden):The extrovert looks at your feet when he's talking to you!::
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pjay
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #15 on: Dec 6th, 2003, 12:23pm » |
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why did the mathematician name her dog Cauchy?
answer: (hidden) it left a residue around every pole
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| « Last Edit: Dec 6th, 2003, 12:23pm by pjay » |
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rmsgrey
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #16 on: Dec 8th, 2003, 7:29am » |
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ex is walking down the road one day when he meets several other functions coming the other way.
One of them, x2, cries "Run for your life! A differential is coming! He's already eliminated some constants!" as he runs past.
"Hah!" exclaimed ex, "I'm not afraid of any differential; I'm ex, and he can't affect me."
So he walked on a little further, and, sure enough, spied a differential coming towards him. He approached boldly and declared, "Hi, I'm ex"
"Hello," returned the differential, grinning broadly, "I'm d/dy"
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aero_guy
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #17 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 10:34am » |
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[smiley=frakd.gif]/ [smiley=frakd.gif]y
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william wu
wu::riddles Administrator
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #18 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 10:38am » |
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Why necessarily partial derivative? That presumes ex is a function of both x and y. But it's only a function of x, which makes d/dy all the more hazardous to the health of ex.
I love all the jokes btw 
Q: Why did the computer scientist die in the shower?
A: Because he read the instructions on the shampoo bottle, "Lather, rinse, repeat."
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| « Last Edit: Dec 10th, 2003, 10:41am by william wu » |
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aero_guy
Senior Riddler
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #19 on: Dec 10th, 2003, 12:21pm » |
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Sorry, I was being a smart ass and it backfired. I was incorrectly applying my partial derivatives.
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John_Gaughan
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Behold, the power of cheese!
 
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #20 on: Dec 18th, 2003, 7:17pm » |
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Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first programmer finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two, he says, "At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder: "We Linux programmers don't piss on our hands".
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x = (0x2B | ~0x2B)
x == the_question
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Dudidu
Full Member
Posts: 227
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Here's another one (not funny at all)...but I got it by email so I'll share it.
// image shrunken on 10:34 AM 1/29/2004 by wwu
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| « Last Edit: Jan 29th, 2004, 10:34am by william wu » |
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pjay
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Re: Math Jokes
« Reply #22 on: Dec 25th, 2003, 11:24am » |
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A mathematician, physicist, and economist were riding in a train in England. As they are passing a town famous for black sheep, they are looking out the window and see a sblack sheep on a field. The economist remarks: So it is true what they say, all the sheep in this town really ARE black!
The physicist says: Silly man, all this tells you is that in this town there is at least one black sheep.
The mathematician with a smirk on his face replies: Stupid people, all we really know is that in this town, there is at least one sheep, one of whose sides is black.
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