Entry:

I know that everyone is concerned for my well-being, but rest assured that I've escaped any serious injuries. In fact, I've recovered rather quickly since the accident on 08/05/98.  My physical injuries have healed to the point that they are almost undetectable.  Thank goodness for airbags.

I have no recollections of the few minutes prior to the accident up until my regaining consciousness in my very battered vehicle.  Many have asked me what caused the accident, but I honestly have no memories of the incident.  I have been told that it's probably a blessing that I don't remember the few moments of my life immediately preceding the crash.

Fortunately for me, there were no other vehicles anywhere near me since I ended up on the other side of the road.  That means I cut across the other side of the road before coming to a stop.  Of course things could have been a lot worse had there been oncoming traffic and there was also a cliff on the other side.

Let's start by saying that the impact of my crash sent an echo which reverberated along the stretch of coast -- somewhere south of Big Sur.  Luckily for me, there were people living in the nearby area who heard the loud crash and immediately called 911.  The people who dialed 911 as well as some French tourists were the first to arrive on the scene to assist me.  The rubberneckers were sent away to prevent any further accidents from happening.

I can't exactly remember when I regained consciousness, but my level of alertness increased exponentially until I became completely  aware of my surroundings.  My first thoughts were that I couldn't see very well.  I searched around for my glass but to no avail.  Next, I tried to open the driver side door to get out.  However, when I stuck my head out the completely shattered driver side window I saw it was wedge to a curve so I couldn't open it.  I remember examining my t-shirt and then realizing the wetness I felt on my face was due to my own blood.  I searched around the rearview mirror to examine my face, but it wasn't in its customary spot -- it flew off and landed in the back somewhere.  I continued to inspect my car and found that the whole thing was a huge mess. 

I was eventaully freed from my prison when the front passenger door was forced open by someone.  I extracted myself from the car after climbing over some things that used to be in the back seat.  I'm unable to express any feelings up to this point because I really didn't feel anything at the time.  I don't know if it was from the shock of the accident but the best way that I can describe my state of being is that I was either like a robot or in a trance.  I have to say that there has never been a point in my life where my senses were so sharp or focused and I was so in tune with my surroundings.  I surveyed the accident scene and started to walk around.  I eventually made my way around the car and found my glasses in the back seat on top of my favorite black sleeping bag.  I remember clumsily putting on my glasses and feeling that they didn't fit snugly anymore.  I tried bending the titanium frame to make them fit better but I soon gave up.

After I regained my visual acuity, I recall looking up and seeing the skid marks on the road where my car started to careen out of control.  I had noticed before, but it didn't really hit me until then that I was on the opposite side of the road.  The cliff that had previously been on my right was now to my left.  A few grim thoughts fluttered through my head at that moment but they were short-lived.  The next few minutes of my life were dedicated to picking up various things that were ejected from my car, including my duffel bag, my tape collection -- half of which is lost forever, some Buddhist charms that my mother gave to me, and a few other odds and ends. 

The concerns of the people at the accident scene were heard but unheeded by myself.  The cries of "he shouldn't be walking around" were persistent to say the least, but no one tried to force me to sit.  There were unending  shouts of "is everything alright?" and "do you need any help?" from passing cars. 

After I picking up items thrown from car along with a few shattered and broken items, I finally decided to sit myself down in the passenger seat.  I reclined the seat to make myself a little more comfortable and laid head back a little to rest.  My task of finding everything that was lost was incomplete, but some fatigue had set in and I also desired to alleviate the concerns of the people who wanted to assist me and feared that I would go into shock.

One other thing, I finally caught a glimpse of my face in the passenger side mirror before I sat down.  It wasn't the prettiest site in the world but it wasn't the most horrid either.  Yes, my face was bloody as the occassional drops of blood still fell from my nose, but the thing I remember most is looking myself in the eyes.  I saw absolutely no white at all, just a light red color in the sclera of both eyeballs.

My first professionally trained help came in the form of an EMT named Emily (if I remember correctly).  Although I was fully aware of everything going on around me, I didn't have a good grasp of the time.  My best estimate puts Emily's arrival at about 20 minutes after the initial accident.  I also had someone who was just certified (the previous day) either for first-aid/CPR or as an EMT.  I didn't quite catch her name but I believed it started with a "C," maybe Connie.  Her job was to support my neck until the portable C-spine could be placed around my neck. 

Although I was ambulatory at the scene (walking around), it was obvious that I had some head trauma so I was fitted with the C-spine (those collars you see around people with neck injuries).  The keyword here is prevention. I understood that protocols must be followed so I had no objections to any of the procedures being performed on me.  My vitals were stable throughout the entire wait for the ambulance to arrive.  Emily told me that I was the first patient she was going to use her brand new blood pressure cuff on.  Hmm, I can't quite remember the scientific name of the bp cuff, but I think it's a sphygmomanometer -- those of you in med school can tell me if I'm right or wrong.  I also receive a barrage of questions that I would become all too familiar with and answer quite a few times over the next few hours -- what's your name, what's your phone number, when is your date of birth, what's your social security number, what's your home address, do you remember what happened, do you know what day of the week it is...

All through the wait for the ambulance, Em the EMT continued to keep track of my vitals all the while assuring me that everything is going to be okay.  It took approximately one hour before the ambulance could make it's way down the coast to pick me up.   While being transported to ambulance, I was strapped securely to the gurney.  I think it was about 7 o'clock by this time so it started getting chilly.  For the first time I could remember I started to shiver uncontrollably.  One of my blankets that I had originally intended to take home to do laundry was retrieved from the back of my car and used to cover me.  That really helped and I felt a little better.  I also felt better when everyone helped to load whatever they could find in the back of the ambulance.

Steve the paramedic drove me to the Monterrey Community Hospital while Carol the paramedic took care of me in the back on the ambulance.  I was pretty tired after the ordeal up to this point, but Carol told me that it would make her feel much better if I didn't go to sleep.  Since I didn't want Carol to fret over me, I maintained consciousness throughout the entire ambulance ride.  Carol and I, of course, went through the same barrage of questions that Emily had previously hit me with.  We also had small chit-chat about the Hearst Castle which I was planning to visit.  She told me that it takes about 3 days to see the whole darn thing and there are about 6 different tours to go on.  She suggested a limit of 2 tours a day because they are long and tiring.

The attempt to start an IV in my left forearm was quite a fiasco.  Bouncing up and down, stopping and going, and swerving left and right on the curvy and dangerous Highway 1 was not the best environment for an attempt to insert a fairly large gauge needle into one's arm.  The first attempt was a complete failure and Carol's attempt to adjust the needle as it was already inserted under my skin was not very welcome.  I was grateful that the second attempt, still very painful, was finally successful. 

I was given oxygen in the ambulance which helped my breathing.  You see, I apparently inhaled a lot of the gas from the airbags and it was really irritating my air passages.  My other memories of the ambulance include staring up at all of the buttons around me.  I took it upon myself to try to memorize the writing on the buttons, but my vantage point from the gurney made it difficult to read anything.

By the time we neared the hospital, my head felt like it swelled to double its size.  My position of lying flat on my back on the gurney, caused significant amounts of pain.  I rotated my head to the right as far as the restraints would allow me.  My hypothesis is that 1 liter of saline that was put into me increased my blood volume as to cause further swelling in my head.  If the swelling in my head was anything close to the swelling I experienced in bladder, then I believe my theory to hold water.  One of the experiences that I will never forget was my inability to relieve myself even though I felt like exploding.

My arrival at the hospital after the hour or so ambulance ride saw me get a head and neck x-ray series as well as CT scan over the next four hours.  Dr. Keaney was the attending physician in the ER.  I'm unable to recall the names of the other ER staff, but they were all great in helping me and I thank them for taking good care of me. 

Of course, I was asked the same set of questions that I had been asked twice already.  The good thing was that I was still able to answer all of the questions.  Following the initial ER treatment, I was exposed to more x-rays that I had previously been exposed to in all of my life.  The head and neck x-rays incredibly revealed no broken bones or fractures in my face, skull, or cervical vertebrae.  With the x-rays done, I had the opportunity to call me dear mother before being taken in for a CT scan.  I knew that she would be scared out of her mind I tried my best to assure her that I was fine.  I didn't tell her that my car had done a 180 flip and a 180 roll before coming to a stop -- this is just speculation since I was unconscious while my car was doing its arial maneuvers.  After talking with my mom for a few minutes, I had to go talk to the policeman to give my statement and answer the same set of questions for the final time.  Upon the completion of my interview, I went to have my scheduled CT scan.

A wheelchair was brought in for me, but I offered to walk there.  I lost out and was wheeled to get my CT scan.  I can't remember the name of the CT scan technician (a.k.a. my chauffeur), but during the course of trip to and from the CT scan room we had talked about football.  My bloody Cal Football T-shirt revealed my institution of higher education.  Soon after picking up on this, the CT scan man told me he was from Stanford.  His revelation to me about his true origins were grounds for me the refuse the CT scan, but I was certain that it wasn't going to be an argument which I could win, so I submitted to the test.

The subsequent CT scan displayed several large hematomas (pools of blood where I hit my head) only on the surface -- that is, between the scalp and skull, but no intracranial bleeding.  These were the results that the CT scan man told me, but we still had to wait for the neurosurgeon, Dr. Lewis, to interpret the results.

I was surprised to hear from my sister who called some 20-30 minutes after I finished talking with my mother -- thanks for calling so quickly Dolly.  I really felt warm and safe inside after the call.  My sis had to do quite a bit of research and calling around before tracking me down.  I gave my sis Apt1G's number to see if anyone could possibly come down the next day to rescue me, take me to my car which was now in a junkyard, and get back to Berkeley safe and sound. 

While waiting for the CT scan results to be interpreted by Dr. Lewis, I remember sitting around and trying to keep myself occupied by strumming the guitar which was amazingly intact and in-tune.  I had an appreciative, but fleeting audience, as the nurses busily entered and exited the ER room that I was housed.  I was forced to relocate from room as more accident victims were on route to the hospital.  I later learned from Hao that 2 separate accidents, not including mine (3 total), had occurred on that fateful night -- within 10 miles of my accident.  I know not what happened with the other accident victims, but I sincerely hope that they are all okay.

A short time after my eviction from the now familiar ER room, Dr. Lewis, the neurosurgeon, found me in some side corridor, strumming away as before.  He informed me that there were no abnormalities in my CT scans, just some pretty nasty hematomas.  After working me over with a battery of  hand-eye coordination tests, an assortment of some rather interesting motor skill tests, striking me with his stethoscope at key points on my body to induce muscle contractions through the reflex arcs, and finally a scalp massage that I would have preferred not to have received, Dr. Lewis told me that there was no reason to hold me overnight unless I wanted to pay for a really expensive hotel. 

After being in the hospital for 4-5 hours, I had no desire to remain overnight.  I was informed about monitoring people who have suffered head traumas -- waking them up every 2 hours for the first 8-12 hours among other things... for I had to find a hotel that was close to hospital and could give me wake up calls and assist me if I didn't answer the phone.

I called around for quite some time before I found an opening at the Casa Munras Garden Inn.  It was probably the one and only place in the whole darn Monterrey area that had an opening at 12:30a.  Luck was on my side again because I got the room only after someone had cancelled their reservation.

While waiting for the taxi to the hotel, I met Connie who was in the ER because she probably suffered a mild stroke given that she lost some time during the course of the evening.  She was such a kind and friendly lady.  Her story was quite touching because she was celebrating her one year anniversary with her husband before she had to go to the ER.  I'll never forget her because she tried to help me even though she had very serious problems of her own.  When my taxi finally arrived, she even tried to help me bring my bags out.  Call it what you may, motherly instincts or simply a kind gesture, and although I will probably never have the pleasure of meeting to chatting with  Connie again... she is now and will always be a special person who has made a deep and lasting impact on my life.

Arrival at the Casa Munras Garden Inn, was an adventure in of itself.  Fog has descended on the Monterrey area making driving somewhat treacherous.  In addition, the hotel was located on a street (Munras St.) that had 17 hotels or motels in a row.  Of course the hotel had to one of the last ones and hidden behind Margie's Diner.  Check in was relatively uneventful, but the receptionist made me feel quite safe because he told me that he would personally call me at 3:00a to make sure that I could wake up.

The cabbie and I followed the map given to me and found Room 192.  He helped me unload my cargo and after our payment transaction was completed, he was on his way for another fare.  I think I tipped him well enough, $4 and the fare was $8.  I'm not used to taking cabs so I don't know how I should tip.  He was a nice fellow too, really patient and helpful.

Well, after settling into what was to be my shelter for the next 12 hours.  I first called the hospital to give my forwarding information in case anyone was trying to reach me.  Next, I called Apt 1G to see who would come to my rescue.  To my astonishment, Nick told me that Hao and Josh had already left to come check on me.  The short time after my accident, showed me that there's still hope for the world at least in my eyes.  I had never felt so safe and secure in a world that is filled with s many dangers.  I had never experience such goodwill from total strangers.  I may appear to be sarcastic and cynical at times, but deep down I always hope for the best for the world and from people.  Words can't express the gratitude I have for each and every single person who has helped me thus far... from total strangers to life-long friends.

My final phone call before collapsing on the bed was to my sis.  I was debating whether or not to call her since I knew she had to go to work early in the morning.  My decision was to inform her of my whereabouts so she could tell mom and calm mom down.  My sis to her credit answered my phone call and successfully copied down my new contact information even though she must have been half-asleep/ half-awake.  With all that said and done, I finally tried to get some sleep.

It was now almost 1:00a, 7 hours after the accident.  I had extremely strong reservations about trying to go to sleep.  I had read the pamphlet about taking care of people who have just suffered a head trauma.  Granted my trauma, didn't appear to be that severe, but Dr. Lewis didn't hold anything back when he said that there could be slow bleeding which doesn't show up on the CT scan or a blood clot somewhere might migrate to the brain -- in which case I would be in big trouble.

The fear of going to sleep and never being able to wake was something that plagued my mind from the first time I talked with Dr. Lewis.  It's one thing to go to sleep and never wake up without ever knowing or thinking about.  It's quite another thing to try to go to sleep when you are fully aware of the distinct possiblity that you will never be able to wake up again.  In fact, the fear is all-consuming.  I actually considered just staying awake for as long as humanly possible after my talk with Dr. Lewis in the corridor.

However, the events of the day had taken their toll on me.  From the thoughts of what had already happened to thoughts of what could have happened, I was totally overwhelmed.  I felt so very tired, yet there was a part of me that wouldn't let go of the idea that if I allowed myself to fall asleep... I may never wake again... never see another sunrise, never see another sunset, or never see any friends or family ever again.  I felt so torn, afraid, and confused.  So I broke completely broke down, and quietly sobbed myself to sleep.  I don't know how long it was but I doubt it too very long before I was out.

I was awaken at sometime around 2:00a by the phone.  The receptionist had called me and I had woken up answered.  I was only semi-conscious, but all that mattered was that was able to wake up.  I didn't hear too much before I hung up and tried to go back to sleep.  However, I received another call because the receptionist wasn't giving me my wake up call.  Rather, he was trying to connect me with Hao and Josh who had arrived at the hospital and obtained my contact information there.  I talked briefly with my dear friends, but the content of our conversation did not linger in my mind for very long.  I felt a little safer that my friends would soon arrive to watch over me.  It was still difficult to fall asleep again, but it was easier this time.  I still had mixed emotions, but I was too drained to fight for very long.

Finally, I heard a gentle rapping on the door.  I was still half-asleep so it could have been loud pounding for all I knew.  It might well have been a loud pounding if Josh was the one knocking on the door.  And for the second consecutive time, I was able to rise from my slumber.  I felt a little better... more for the fact that my friends were now here than the substantial decrease in the size of the hematomas that had previously swelled to gigantic proportions.

I answered the door and saw a surprised look on Josh's face.  Even though I've discussed the fact that I was so keyed into my environment since the accident, I've failed to mention my physical appearance.  I was well aware of everything around me, but I hadn't really looked at myself since staring into the passenger side mirror at the scene of the accident.  I knew my shirt was bloody and my face was bloody as well.  However, it never occurred to me to wash up and change shirts when I got to the hotel room.  I guess digging through my bags to find a clean shirt wasn't a top priority for me after everything that had happened.

Although I would like to have been more presentable when meeting my friends and meeting a new friend (Shana), it was already too late and I didn't really care all that much about my physical appearance.  Soon thereafter, we figured out the sleeping arrangements, with Hao sleeping on the floor, the other two sharing one bed, and myself in another bed by myself.  It was quite fortuitous that the only hotel room in close proximity to the hospital was available to me and also included 2 double beds.  I told Hao that he didn't have to sleep on the floor, but I guess my gruesome, bloody appearance was enough to scare anyone away.

Josh's alarm was to have woken everyone up at 5:00a for my next scheduled wake up, but no one got up for that one.  We were all awakened roughly around 7:30a by a phone call from Max.  I talked briefly with Max then everyone else except for me went back to sleep.  I don't know if anyone else heard me while I was in the bathroom, but I doubt it.

I went through my bags to get my toiletries and my one and only change of clothing that I brought along.  Everything else was in the trunk of my car, all the laundry I had intended to do at home.  I wasn't going to bring an extra change of clothing, but in the final moments before my departure from Berkeley, I thought to myself... hey, you never know when you might need a clean change of clothes and so I grabbed an extra change of clothing and stuffed it into my bag.

My moment in the bathroom after waking up was the first time I had a chance to look myself in the mirror since the accident.  I'm sure nobody would ever, ever know what I did if I don't say something.  Well, I stood there for a long time just staring at myself.  Staring at the cuts on my face, my ugly, bloody appearance, and then I started to feel the large bumps on my head.  When I took off my shirt, I realized for the first time that the Med-Pads which are hooked up to the EKG were still on my chest.  I didn't want to forget this moment so I left the bathroom in search of my camera.  I took some pictures of myself which probably no one but myself will ever see.

When I finally got into the shower, I had to so delicately wash my hair and face because the wounds were still so fresh,  barely 12 hours old.  I don't know how long I was standing in the shower for, but it must have been close to an hour.  I had to as gently towel myself off as I had to wash myself.  I tried to clean my facial cuts well, but they were still to raw and fresh to do much.  I put my belongings away and re-entered the room with my sleeping friends.  I took a some time to watch each of them as they slept.  They all must have been so exhausted from the drive down.  I didn't want to disturb them so I went out by myself and eventually bought a sandiwch for $3.19 at a gas station.  I returned to the room to polish off the sandwich and watch some t.v.

Everyone got up as was ready to leave by 11:30a since check-out time was noon.  When I put on my shoe on the way out, I realized for the first time that there were bits and pieces of glass from my shattered windows hiding in my shoe.  I took them out and kept some of them as momentos.

Our lunch consisted of eating at Margie's Diner.  I had entered the diner and looked at the menu during my search for food.  However, I was too self-conscious (due in part to my facial appearance) to ask for a table and sit down by myself so I opted for the gas station sandwich.  Margie's has extremely funny menus and gigantic portions which one of us was luckily warned of before ordering.  After I finished my meal, I entered the Men's room to wash my face and re-apply the Bacitracin (a Neosporin like gel) to my face.  When I returned, my friends had already paid the check so I must thank them again.

Our trip from Monterrey to Bug Sur to see my car was quite sobering.  I felt like I was re-living the previous day as we drove by the landmarks except that the new day could never end as badly as the previous day.  The coast line was exactly as it was except that it wasn't as foggy or overcast as it had been the previous day.  All of the beaches were exactly as I remember them.  We were all conversing in the car and Sha was doing some needlework, but deep down there was a hidden fear grew within me as we headed further and further south down the highway which almost took my life.  We stopped about 30 minutes short of the fateful accident site so there was an abrupt end to the deja vu that I was experiencing.

We arrived the Big Sur Tow and Garage but my car was not to be found.  The guys there eventually told us that the car was in the junkyard in the back.  I had a new roll of film with 36 exposures on it and all but 3 of them went to the car.  I searched through the cabin to see what I could salvage.  We needed a crowbar in order to pry the trunk open at get my laundry out.  When we were done transferring everything into Josh car, we decided to hang out for a little while.

We found a quiet stream nestled behind the various stores of the Big Sur shops.  At the edge of the streams were many wooden bences that were partially submerged in the clear, cool gentle current of the stream.  I used my final 3 shots on the scenery there.  It was a very pleasant and much needed break after the long and exhausting car trip (1.5 hours for 30 miles).  I purchased some wine and cheese as well as a bottle of Martinelli's Cran-Apple cider to enjoy in the stream.  We spent a very relaxing afternoon beneath the canopy created by the foliage on the banks of the stream.  It was the first time that I felt any sense of peace since my accident.

I'll skip the return trip since I've described so much already.  I'll end with the night of my return.  We returned to my apartment after a brief pitstop at the SCA fighter practice at the Rockridge BART station.  There I saw the cutest little kitten you'll ever meet who is appropriately named Ghost.  Well, I digress but that was just another detail that stuck in my mind.

The night of my return to Berkeley from my ill-fated trip found me staying at Apt 1G since the first 48 hours after a head trauma are the most critical.  Since I live by myself in my apartment there was no one there to monitor me, so I stayed with my friends at 1G.  After Max left me in the living room around 2:00a, I found myself completely alone with my thoughts.  I laid there in the dark trying to fall asleep.  Needless to say, I was less than successful in that endeavor.  I must have been lying there thinking about everything.  My thoughts were only interrupted briefly from time to time by sounds of the ticking clock and the bubbles from Hao's fish tank.  I don't know how long it was before I just fell asleep but it was probably 3 to 4 hours.  It was just hours and hours of continual thinking... contemplating my past, present, and future.  I was still a little frightened with the prospects of not waking up in the morning.  I cried a few times as I was alone on the living room couch.  I can't get into everything that ran through my mind or else I would have to write forever.

Many peolpe have asked me if I've had any revelations due to my near death experience.  There are so very many things that I've felt and thought over the past week.  To be perfectly honest, words can't even come close to fully expressing everything that I've felt or thought.  I have an incredible appreciation for life now.  I'm happy to be alive.  I try to soak up each moment of every experience because life can be very fleeting.  Every new person I meet is special, because events could have occurred differently and I might have never been able meet anyone new.  This experience has changed me.  I can't articulate exactly how, and I doubt I'll ever be able to it into words.  I've spent and entire night without a wink of sleep re-living a very concentrated period in my life.  My accident is the culmination of the first 22 years of my life, because it could easily have been the end of it.  Everyday since that fateful day one week ago, is somewhat different and yet I can't quite explain how.  Every new experience now takes on a much greater significance than it ever has in the past.  I look forward to seeing my friends every chance I get.  I've probably been going about things wrong by trying to get back to normal, because things will never ever be the same as they were.  I'm not sure what to do to deal with everything that's happened to me.  I can't even begin to fathom the ramifications of that single incident on the rest of my life.  If there is anything such as a defining moment in someone's life, this is mine.  I feel that this is a second life for me, because if things were different by a few inches... I might not be here right now.  I don't know why I have this second chance at life... I don't know if there's any special significance for one person's life... I guess the only thing I can do now is live my life to the best of my abilities... and hope in the end that I was worthy of this second chance...

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