Entry:

I don't know where my desire to write is coming from, but all I know is that it makes me feel so much better to sit down and write everything out.  I've decided to start a diary of my new life.  My account of the accident and the subsequent trip back to Berkeley constitute the first two days of my new life.  It will take a little while for me to catch up since it's Day Nine now.  However, the memories and experiences of my new life are still incredibly fresh in my mind.

I've never consider myself a writer.  So the best way I can describe my reason for writing is that I'm writing out of necessity.  Call it a form of therapy if you will.  A friend of mine was correct in saying that my writing the previous night was very cathartic.  Another friend suggested that writing makes me feel less vulnerable in comparison with a face-to-face talk which is also quite true.  I don't know how I could have ever been able to sit down with someone and try to explain my memories, thoughts, feelings, fear, and so on.

I was awaken in the morning sometime around 7:30a or 7:45a by Hao.  It was nice of him to check on me before heading off to work.  I don't really know exactly how much I had slept since I was having difficulties with insomnia.  I went back to sleep and work up about two hours later.  I had a lot of things I felt I had to do.  However, after turning the t.v. on I started watching "Doc Hollywood" so my day was delayed by two hours, give or take.  The movie piqued by interest due to my recent experience with doctors and nurses.

After washing up a bit, I was on my way out.  I told Max that I would just walk around to go do the things that I needed to do.  My first task of the day was to get the pictures developed from the previous day.  I wandered the Shattuck Square area until I finally ended up at East Bay Photos.  While waiting for the one hour photos to develop, I had lunch at subway.  I got the footlong Cold Cut Trio combo along with a bag of K.C. Masterpiece Baked Lays.  My nervousness or anxiousness from the anticipation of seeing the pictures from my camera caused me to inhale my lunch much too quickly.  I remember not being satisfied with the meal because I didn't allow myself to enjoy it.

With half an hour to spare after lunch, I decided to drop by lab to say "hi" to everyone and show them that I was okay.  I first stopped by Giovanna's (PI) office to talk with her.  It's amazing how many stories other people have shared with me since my accident.  The near death experiences I've heard have made me feel that I'm not alone.  Although each experience is unique, they all have a profound effect on the lives of each individual as well as that of the people around them.  After making my rounds in lab, I returned to the photo shop to pick up my pictures.

I brief discussed my experience with the girl at the photo shop, and with a few well wishes I was on my way to my next destination, the Tang Center.  I was so preoccupied with my errands by this time that the grim, dark thoughts that plagued me the previous night were completely gone.  I just convinced myself that if I kept myself busy, then everything would be okay. 

At the Tang Center, my first task was to check on the health insurance issue.  I found my way to the SHIP office after wandering around on the wrong floor for a few minutes before asking for directions.  Upon my arrival at the office, I signed my name on the sign-up sheet and took a seat.  I didn't think much of it when other people came in after me and started lining up behind the counter.  I figured that my place was secure already because I had signed up like I was supposed to.  I was a peeved when the receptionist started helping the other people without calling my name first.  As the office became busier and busier with a large influx of phone calls, I was shoved further back.  I wasn't very happy by the time I was finally assisted.  However, news that all of the ER costs would be covered by the insurance and $800 of the ambulance ride made the trip worthwhile.

Well, I don't know how many people will have read my story of the first two days, but I'm sure even fewer of you will have read up to this point.  I have lots of reservations about discussing my next experience at the Tang Center, but my decision to do what I did next can't be that uncommon after an accident.

I debated with myself many times.  I tried to rationalize to myself that I was okay and didn't need to go.  In the end, my concern over my state of mind took precedence over my fear of talking to a counselor or psychologist, especially since my parents were coming into town that evening.  The stigma of seeing a shrink and the fear of ridicule were very strong deterrents for me, but I felt the need to just talk to someone.  I guess I could have tried to talk to a friend, but it didn't seem appropriate to me to burden a friend with my bad thoughts when everyone I knew was just happy to see me alive.  I also have to admit that another reason why I didn't feel comfortable tlaking with a friend was because I was afraid of how their view of me might change.  Ultimately, I felt that talking with a complete stranger was the best solution for me at that time.

I entered the CPS office to find it completely empty.  I called out to see if anyone was there.  The response I received came from a cleaning person.  Apparently, the office was temporarily vacated in order for the cleaning crew to do their job.  After being directed to the temporary office, I noticed that I missed the sign on the door indicating the temporary location of the CPS office.  In my haste and my obvious self-consciousness, I rushed into the wrong location.  My uneasiness grew as I entered the office.  I asked the receptionist about getting an appointment, but was informed that I could get one in about three days.  My fears of going into the office were mounting already and I didn't think I would have the strength to make myself come back again.  The receptionist picked up on my hesitation and told me that I could talk to someone today if I needed to.

I finally caved in and said yes.  I was handed a clipboard with a form to fill out.  The form asked for the standard background information.  The only unique thing was the confidentiality statement on the back of the form that I was required to sign.  The statement indicated that my session would be kept confidential.  However, since I have less fear and less shame about embarassing myself nowadays, I'm sharing this information with anyone who is interested in listening.

After completing the form, I took a seat in the makeshift office until the psychiatrist on-call could be tracked down.  The lighting in the room was obviously designed to calm people down.  The shades were drawn and the two halogen lamps were dimmed to the point where a soft buzzing sound emanated from each lamp.  I just tried to look around and keep myself from looking too uneasy.

The fact that there was another person waiting in the waiting room eased my fears.  The wait started becoming intolerable when no one was able to track down the person I was soon to tell my story.  Twenty minutes later, I was escorted through a network of hallways into a small office.  I won't get into the details of what I said because I've said everything and then some with my Day One and Day Two entry.  I was asked if I wanted to continue seeing someone and my answer a definite no.

I suppose I just needed to sort a few things out because I wanted to be in a decent state of mind when my parents arrived.  The opportunity to talk with a complete strange and share my experience was the first step for me to learn to deal with my experience.  I'm not embarassed about having to go in and talk with a shrink and I don't regret writing about my experience now.  Some people may think me ill or troubled, but I really feel that if I didn't go then be what some people think of me my actually come to pass.  I know that not everyone will understand but that's life.

On my way out, I decided to drop by and look up Christopher, the Health Worker Coordinator.  It must have been a year since I last chatted with him.  It seemed like just a good time as any to catch on old times, because I was lucky to be there at all.  After a nice long converstaion where i did most of the talking, I took leave of Christopher so that he could get back to preparing for the new batch of Hea;th Workers.

As you can tell, the Tang Center was a hub of activity for me.  I concluded my business at the Tang Center with the purcgase fo a tube of Bacitracin to cover my wounds.  I don't know if the pharmacy people just pitied me due to of my scarred appearance, because they sold me the tube while the other people waited.  However, I suppose that my request was a simple OTC item while the other people had more complicated prescriptions.

As I walked up Bancroft to reach the School of Optometry, I thought to myself that I'm really lucky to that I'm just going there to get my glasses adjusted.  Neither my glasses nor my shades were damaged during the course of the accident.  As I continued, I remembered the story of my sister's car accident in which the deployment of the air bag caused her glasses to shatter into her face.  I can't quite figure out how my glasses managed to fly off and not hurt me, but I'm relieved that they didn't.

At the School of Optometry, I chatted with the receptionist for a few minutes while waiting for the student clinician to come and help adjust my glasses.  It seems kind of silly but once my glasses were fixed, I felt better.  It gave me the sense that I was starting to put things together.  As I left, the people made me feel good by telling me that they were glad that I was okay.

The next item on my to-do list was trek down to Telegraph.  I don't know what possessed me to get a tarot card but that's exactly what I did.  All of the tarot card readers were busy when I arrived at the corner of Channing and Telegraph.  I decided to find a perch beneath the red and white canopy of Mrs. Field's Cookies until it was my turn.  This was near the end of the day so the long shadows of the buildings had already started creeping up towards my feet.  I was just people watching when I suddenly ran into Nick who was in search of his paycheck from Housing and Dining.  We chatted for a few minutes and then he was on his way.  Soon thereafter, a spot opened up at one of the many tables on the corner.

I won't get into the details of the reading because some of it will reveal more about myself than I would care to share right now.  Some of the statements I heard were accurate, while the other ones were way off.  I want to mention the fact that I sort offended the reader when I didn't have any specific questions.  She indicated that people usually came to her with questions.  She then indicated in not so many words that I must suspend my disbelief if I was to be at the same table as she.  Now I wasn't try to offend this woman, but I really didn't go there with any specific questions.  Well, we proceeded with the reading in which I asked very few questions.  After concluding our read, I paid her for her services.  Before I left, I asked for her name and she told me it was "Epiphany." Although Epiphany didn't invoke her namesake in me, I still found the experience quite unique.

After a long day of many errands, I thought about just returning home.  However, Nick's search for his paycheck inspired me to go on a quest for mine.  I figured I was going to need some money to take care of the many expenses that were already piling up on me.  I hiked all the way back to Barker Hall to see if my check was available and I was pleased to find it there waiting for me.  Before I left to return to 1G, I talked with the people in lab again and showed them the pictures of my damaged vehicle and deposited my check at the ATM.

I returned to 1G to pick up my belongings before returning home to wait for the imminent arrival of my parents who were driving up from SoCal.  I didn't know exactly when my parents were supposed to arrive, so made sure I was home by 7:30p.  The last thing I wanted to do was make my parents more worried than I knew they were, so my first task at home was to wash up and clean up as best as I could before my parents could see me.  The long, hot shower did wonders in exfoliating my face.  The various cuts and scrapes had healed so quickly that I now looked presentable to my parents. 

I filled the rest of the time by calling several friends and talking at length with each one of them.  I took comfort in hearing the familiar voices of friends who had recently left Berkeley after graduation.  It was a pleasant and soothing two hours on the phone with various people.  The conversations gave me a chance to calm my nerves before facing my parents since I wasn't sure how they would react to seeing me.

My apprehension increased as it neared 11:00p.  Finally, there was a knock on my door.  My parents had arrived.  I opened the door to see the worried face of my dear mother.  My first words to her was that I was okay.  She didn't say anything and only gave me a long hug which was soon followed by a long period of patting me all over my body to make sure I was in one piece.

I had qualms about allowing my parents to see the pictures of my car, but they were determined to see them.  My father had wanted to drive all the way down to Monterrey to see the car, but it wasn't a feasible alternative given that my parents were only staying for one day.  So I took out my pictures and showed it to them.

I can't say that my father is a really religious man, but he does believe in some superstitions.  My mom, on the other hand, is very religious.  It was a very enlightening experience to see the reactions of my parents to my pictures.  My father being more of the scientist tried to analyze the crash.  However, he was also claiming that a supernatural phenomenon had occurred.  My mom was overwhelmed with the pictures because I could see the tears well up in her eyes.  I tried to console her by telling her that I was perfectly fine and healthy.  Not much else was said except that it was miracle that I was alive and unhurt by the accident.  I was very glad that my physical appearance had so improved over such a short period of time, because it helped to allay most of my parents fears.

One thing that I couldn't do was reveal my mental state to my parents.  On the surface, I appeared to be perfectly alright, but if my parents had any idea of the mental anguish I was experiencing it would have made them worry much more and given them a sense of helplessness since they couldn't do anything to help.  I also felt that the language barrier between us would prevent me from fully expressing myself.  I don't know enough Chinese to express my complicated thoughts, feelings, and fears to my parents.  Conversely, my parents are proficient enough in English to get a full grasp of what I tell them.  I guess it's for the best since I'm certain that my parents already have enough worries on their minds.  In any case, I've found a solution, although it may only be temporary, to help me deal with everything that's happened.

Finally, as my parents fell asleep, I watched over them intently.  I was glad that they were here to check up on me and help me.  I felt that I would always be a child in their eyes and they would always try to come to my rescue.  It had been three days after the accident and I was fortunate enough to not have ever been alone yet.

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