Entry:

My first two nights alone were free from any troubling thoughts.  However, I was running out of possible solutions to avoid dealing with myself.  I suppose I could have alternated between the bottle and vegetating in front of a television for countless hours, but in the end, nothing will have been accomplished. 

I had never really regretted living by myself because I truly enjoy the peace and independence that comes with living by yourself.  In this case though, it would have been nice to have someone around.  I know I could have called a friend up to lean on or cry on a friendly shoulder, but I was just to scared to do so.  Breaking down in front of someone is something that I've never done before.  I would be especially self-conscious to do so in front of someone I knew really well.  It was amazing how many hands were extended out to me, but I just didn't have the courage to grab any of them.

I knew that something had to be done eventually to help heal my mind and spirit.  However, our self-defense mechanisms allow us the privelege to lie to ourselves for quite sometime.  Those defenses, as protective as they might are, eventually break down.  I mean I knew that my attempt to go back to work and get back to a normal rountine was all a facade, but I was able to convince myself that as long I keep myself going that I would okay.  But no matter how much we try to lie to ourselves or how much we try to run, everything catches up with us eventually.

I should have known it was coming, since it was almost a week since my accident.  I tried to block it out as best as I could, but I knew that I had to let everything out before I burst.  The prelude to my catharsis was at hand from the beginning of the day...

I woke up around 6:00a after falling asleep to Jay.  I checked my e-mail and spent an hour or so responding to and thanking a dozen or more friends for their kindness and love.  Then, I thought that I would just take a little nap before heading off to work, but before I knew it, it was already 11;00a.  I rushed to work and occupied myself by planning the rest of my project that I'm going to do for my senior honors thesis.  By 2:30p though, I felt tired and also felt the beginnings of a headache creeping up on me.

I left work to go to the nearby shelter or 1G.  When I got there, I crashed on the often-used napping couch where I slept for the next two hours.  I didn't know why I was sleeping so much that day, because I had gotten plenty of sleep the previous night and didn't really get up until 11:00a this day.  Some people say that you can never get enough sleep, but from my experience if you sleep to much then become more and more lethargic.

Well, I finally did get up to go with Josh to make a Costco run around 7:00p.  I had regretted not taking up my parents offer to take me shopping while they were in town since my the food supply at my apartment was running perilously low.  I restocked my diminishing supplies at Costco and dropped the food off at my place after delivering four gallons of o.j. to 1G.  Josh was in a festive mood as usual and invited me to his place again and utilize the large quantities of food that were just purchased.

Josh asked for a volunteer to wash the dishes that were overflowing from the sink.  However, the response from my companions in the living was chilly to say the least.  I finally put down Tex's guitar and was applauded by my companions for my good will.  I spent the next hour washing all of the dishes and chatting with Josh, who was cooking chicken with a recipe that calls for Paprika.  It was fair trade, dinner for washing dishes.  I was returned to my apartment around 11:15p.

Since I had slept so much during the day, I wasn't really fatigued.  So I set out to make a webpage with a only pictures of my car.  With my page complete, I examined it and found it was rather empty.  I thought about writing captions for the pictures, but finally decided to write a brief account of my accident and to let everyone know that I was okay.

Before I knew what was happening, the words just started pouring out of me.  I just kept writing and writing.  However, the were many points where I had to stop when my hands trembled, or as a shudder traveled through my body, or if I had to sob a little.  I new it was about time to finish up when I felt the rumble of the earthquake.  I thought that nine hours or typing was enough for a start.

When I finished my last paragraph, I prepared a general e-mail to my friends and family detailing the events of the long night.  I originally placed a text copy of my entire story at the end of the e-mail, but my doubts and fears got the better of me.  I first told myself that the e-mail would be much too long, about 37K.  Then I tried to rationalize to myself, that it wouldn't be fair to tell people that they didn't need to feel obligated to read the whole story, only to put the entire story right in their face.

To be prefectly honest, I knew that less people would end up reading my story if I only posted it on my website.  I was already having severe doubts and reservations about what I was doing.  At times I felt that I was making a complete fool of myself for doing what I did.  Before I sent the e-mail out, I had already posted the entire story here to this website.  I was still safe though, because no one knew the link to the site yet... I still had a chance to turn back.  I was afraid that some people would think I was cowardly for hiding behind a computer screen and keyboard to tell my story.  I'd say that the most difficult point came when I had to queue and send the e-mail to everyone.  I felt a great relief at first.  Then, I thought to myself... I can't believe you just did that... and then I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach.  Finally exhausted from the night's work, I fell into a deep and relatively peaceful slumber...

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