quan m. nguyen

puns (and bad jokes)

I love puns. Sometimes they're way too esoteric to make any sort of sense, but I include them here in the hopes that someone will find them funny (or groan). Feel free to use them! Don't worry about having to site me. That said, I strive for originality, but any coincidence with existing puns are unintentional.

  1. (Speaking of someone having difficulty integrating a processor with RoCC, the Rocket Custom Coprocessor interface):
    Looks like Stephen's stuck between RoCC and a hard place.
  2. (Yunsup's Ph.D. thesis concerns a processor with something called "microthreads".)
    Why is Yunsup slow at sewing? Because he uses microthreads.
  3. (Hwacha is a decoupled vector-fetch data-parallel processor. Its registers are split carefully across banks.)
    Our modifications to Hwacha's register allocation better work—we're banking on it.
  4. Aaron exclaims: "My wontons are all frozen in one piece!"
    My response: "Do you mean, in one ton?"
  5. For Halloween this year, I contemplated wearing a pair of flip-flops with one labeled "J" and the other labeled "K"... but I wasn't sure how many people would latch onto the joke.
  6. ... unless I encounter talking shoes in a building full of horses, in which case I would have met a stable flip-flops.
  7. (After a particularly brutal lecture on expectation maximization (EM)):
    Professor: "Was this not what you expected?"

    My response: "I don't know, but it appears that you maximized our expectations."
  8. (Being particularly confused about parameter estimation of a coin toss):
    I can't seem to make heads or tails of this.
  9. (International Talk Like a Pirate Day):
    • A pirate's favorite computer science course? Arrrgorithms.
    • Pirate's favorite week of the semester? RRR week.
    • Pirate's favorite computer engineering course? Arrrrrchitecture.
    • Favorite engineering major? I-E-O-Arrrrrr.
    • Favorite college at Berkeley? C-N-Arrrrrr.
    • Favorite definition of acids and bases? Arrhenius.
    • Favorite thing on BearFacts? DARS.
    • Favorite statistical computing language? R.
    • Favorite digital signal filter? F-I-Arrrrrrr.
  10. (The DEC Alpha 21264 could execute instructions in a sequence other than what was compiled, so long as it preserved data dependencies.)
    When the engineers at DEC found that their Alpha 21264 wasn't working as they expected, they deemed it... out of order.
  11. (Of a static CMOS circuit):
    What did one complementary network say to the other?
    "Feeling down? I'll pull you up!"
  12. (Of the first Sunday in November in all states except Arizona):
    Today seems longer than usual.
  13. (After taking the Signals and Systems final exam, which involved the repeated use of the Fourier synthesis and analysis equations):
    That was a transformative experience.
  14. (The first practical RISC-V processor is named after Stephenson's first practical locomotive.)
    It can't be that hard to understand; it's not Rocket science. Oh wait...
  15. (After a lengthy discussion about C programming language standards):
    My quip: Oh, don't get so ANSI about it.
  16. (After a meeting in which the RISC-V Reference Chip is discussed):
    It appears the reference chip has been... dereferenced.
  17. Arden: i really
    don't want to do this OS assignment
    gah semaphores..

    me: don't let that flag your efforts
    Arden: i've called wait on my work semaphore
    but none of the workers signal'd me
    :(
    [DEADLOCKED FOREVER]
  18. Arden: The joke might have too high a gate for entry.
    me: the logical effort required to comprehend them is similarly high.
  19. Our apartment has had trouble managing the various perishables inside our refrigerator, especially our leafy greens. I've come up with a solution: a chart listing who owns what, when we bought it, and when it'll expire. I'll call it... the veggie-table.
  20. (Regarding the rather windy day in Berkeley on 22 November 2013):
    Liz: do you feel quite winded today?
    me: i'm blown away
    i'll have a tough time breezing through today
    Liz: as long as you're not wrapped up by all that's happening
    me: i've not heard of that expression
    oh well, time to learn more vocabulary with gusto
    (Later, at her apartment with some company)
    me: I've got to go.
    Pius: I guess he'll be gone with the wind.
  21. (EE 120 is the signals and systems course at UC Berkeley.)
    In other news, the EE 120 professor is now investigating the role of plants in the impending cicada infestation on the East Coast: Root-Locust Analysis.
  22. (When on the spin cycle, the washing machine causes the stuff in my room to resonate.)
    Mehrdad: maybe it's
    trying to
    tell you something
    me: "I'm awash with danger."
    Mehrdad: -___-
  23. R. M. Tomasulo was a pioneer in out-of-order execution.
    Why would Tomasulo be a bad chemist? Because he keeps having to reorder buffer.
  24. (Valentine's day.)
    Why is February 14th a miserable day for 32-bit floating-point numbers? Singles Awareness Day.
  25. (After finding a detached laptop keyboard key.)
    It looks like this person... lost Ctrl.
  26. (Anne Marie didn't get my postcard.)
    Anne Marie: guess i'll keep you "posted" about the postcard haha
    me: that has my stamp of approval
    my rules on punning are followed to the letter
    and generally enveloped in many layers of subtlety
    [bad puns are] my specialty
    but some can be...
    first-class.
  27. (I had just taken a red-eye to New York.)
    me: i'm exhausted... can't quite handle red-eyes yet...
    Albert: That's what eye drops are for :D
    me: har har
    i can't handle cornea jokes than that
    Albert: lol
    me: but that is some aqueous humor you have there
  28. (On spelling professors' names in emails with the correct diacritical marks)
    me: on the flip side, my emails are ASCII-friendly
    Mehrdad: lol
    mine are ASCII-enemy
    me: that's just ASCII-ing for trouble
    Mehrdad: /logs off
    me: Quan v. Mehrdad, 15-love
  29. Why would computer architects make for mediocre golfers? Because they hate performing PAR.
  30. After glancing at cows eating dry grass while driving from SF to LA:
    What did one cow say to the other cow when it found wet grass?
    ...
    moo.
  31. (Southwest Airlines has no change fees.)
    Liz: I can't believe I have to pay 80 extra dollars to fly home earlier!
    me: I guess that's only fare.
  32. My sister clutches her stomach on the car ride home.
    My sister: My colon is complaining.
    me: Don't ram a truck into it, or it'd become a semicolon.
    me: Would you like to quote me on that?
    My sister: Stop it with these jokes.
    me: Mine are the best, period.
    (Exasperated laughter.)
    me: Would you like me to give you some space?
    (A bit later...)
    me: Be careful, or a doctor will have to slash your colon open.
    My sister: CONTROL THYSELF AND YOUR PUNS!
  33. (I'm trying to move a bookcase from my old house to my new house.)
    me: looks like i don't have a screwdriver to handle disassembling the bookcases, so i'll have to shelve the idea for now :P
    Liz: Oh noooo :(
    me: it's alright, i'll book it to the home depot soon, anyway ;)
    Liz: Oh Quan T.T ... with gusto? :D
    me: no, with a car :3
  34. (Liz is in Taiwan. The time difference is fifteen hours.)
    Liz: lololol it's so funny
    how different you are
    it's night
    *like
    *cough*
    night and day
    me: har har
  35. Mehrdad: http://www.cnn.com/2014/07/08/health/smallpox-virus-found/
    me: that is in-variola-bly a derp
    Mehrdad: =_______=
  36. What do you call a chip that's broken because it interprets Scheme rather than executes its intended language, C? Functional.
  37. Aaron: *arrests day for violating special relativity*
    Wendy: D:
    Aaron: :||||
    Wendy: <arrests aaron for trying to arrest intangible things>
    Aaron: are you telling me I should give it
    a rest
    *is sentenced to death*
  38. (Her Apple laptop charging cable wouldn't wrap around the power adapter.)
    me: i guess it's not
    in ac-cord
    Liz: no
    it's dis-cord-ant
  39. (Wendy is smitten by someone.)
    me: (are you still fawning about him?)
    Wendy: i fawn over everyone
    me: oh deer
    Wendy: love everyone
    hoof woulda thunk it
    :-)
    me: dat pun doe
    Wendy: better rein it in
    but anyway
    me: (*forced applause*)
  40. They should have lots of punny people perform at the opera house; it would be a play on words.
  41. (At the doctor's office.)
    Doctor: Rice is hard to avoid for many Asians, so they can be at higher risk for diabetes.
    me: I guess it's ingrained in their culture.
  42. Liz: p.s: if you have suggestions what to do with like 10 bananas let me know
    vivian bought like a bazillion of them
    me: i guess you'll have to make a banana split between the two of you
  43. (After working on tax returns for the IRS, the CA FTB, and the MA DOR.)
    me: I guess all that work was... taxing.
    Liz: (wagging finger) no no no no no no
  44. (My second medical appointment got cancelled due to inclement weather at MIT.)
    Liz: So unfortunate.
    me: Snow unfortunate.
  45. (I told Liz I was hungry.)
    Liz: i'm hungry too :(
    but i'm stuck in a chair
    me: i suppose you have some deep-seated problems, then
  46. me: the only fruit suited for sailors' consumption? navel oranges.
    Liz: No no no no no no
  47. Liz: oh rats :( my mouse isn't working
    me: i see what you did there.
  48. Mehrdad: you don't have a prelim (right?)
    me: no, i don't
    but i do have to take four courses
    i also have to do a defense
    so imo you have it easier
    lol
    Mehrdad: lol
    in your defense
    heh
    me: -________-
  49. Aaron: So, this person at work is selling a pink blender.
    me: Will it blend?
    Aaron: That is the question.
  50. me: I'm thinking about my graphs.
    Liz: I wish I could make a pun...
    me: It would be off the charts.
    Liz: I hope it a-lines with your expectations.
  51. (Holding up a Solo Jazz cup.)
    me: You know, teal and purple were the definitive colors of the nineties.
    Liz: Huh. TIL.
    me: No, T-E-A-L.
  52. (Getting a filling re-done at the dentist.)
    Dental assistant: While we're working, you're going to feel a little vibration – that's normal.
    me: No worries, I've had plenty of fillings done here before. I know the drill.
  53. This may be the end of the list, but when it comes to my puns, there's no end in site.

Are any of these particularly reprehensible (read: good)? Let me know! Know a good one? Send it my way!

My list of puns is available as a YAML file: puns.yaml.