Everyone wins in new Communist ASUC elections

In a spectacular bureaucratic victory for everyone involved in this year’s ASUC elections, members of the current student government have decided to adopt a Marxist approach to the voting process. Basically, the votes will be equally redistributed to each of the candidates– ensuring a stunning win for all.

This decision has understandably been met with mixed results from the student body. Though members of the ASUC have enthusiastically described the new election method as “revolutionary” and “an important step towards equality,” many students suspect that an alternative motive is may be at play.

“Because of the vote redistribution, candidates no longer have to campaign all day on Sproul,” explained second year student Mallory Kao. “That means we can finally walk to class in peace.” Indeed, it is likely that the decision was spurred by a universal exasperation at the constant bombardments of campaign material that students are subjected to on Sproul plaza. “I’ve had candidates follow me all the way to Dwinelle,” complained third year Jeremy Padilla, who now takes a longer route to class in order to bypass campaigners.

However, students are hopeful that their harrowing experiences on Sproul will no longer be an issue as candidates become less and less motivated to campaign. Perhaps for the first time in world history, Communism really can be a viable solution.

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