As the momentary joy of graduation fades away, there remains one despairing question on every Berkeley graduate’s mind: Now what? It’s been a couple of days since the class of 2016 sat through their grueling four hour graduation ceremony in the sun, unsure of whether the streams of water running down their faces were tears or sweat. Sure, Sheryl Sandberg’s words of inspiration may have been incredibly motivational, but Cal Calling Center is already asking the new graduates for donations and half the class didn’t listen to the speech anyway because they were too busy filling out job applications on their phones. It didn’t really help that Chancellor Dirks was once again asking for money to fund incredibly practical enterprises like nap pods, all while secretly thinking of going back to his 2.5 million dollar apartment and getting a drink.
Alas, another year has rolled around, and the newest class of Berkeley graduates is making frantic last minute efforts to find direction in their lives before being ejected into the real world. Tensions are rising, art majors are crying, and Cal football players have begun to realize that, apart from Jared Goff, the closest they’ll ever get to the NFL is by playing it on the Xbox.
According to Econ major Ca$h Mooney “I can’t believe I paid $120,000 over the past four years just to get rejected from all 3.5 job applications I sent in last week.” Mooney is just one of the many economics majors in Berkeley who have accepted that the only thing they learned about money was that they weren’t going to make any after college. Even Haas business majors are learning the hard way that whether or not they can get a job is nobody’s business. Still, it is widely speculated that Haas majors are more concerned with damaging their precious egos than actually not finding a job. University officials have actually been considering relocating the Haas School of Business to UCLA so that business majors can experience a sense of unity in being just as egotistical as everyone else on campus.
CS majors began the year with confidence in their abilities to survive in the job market post-graduation, but now they are not so sure, especially with the sudden emergence of impostors. Senior Michelle Falso wrote on her job application to Yahoo that she was a CS major, not bothering to clarify that CS actually stood for Chicano Studies. “I was just so desperate for a job,” explains Falso tearfully, “but I guess my plan wouldn’t have worked anyway since nowadays computer science can’t even get you a job manning the cash register at McDonald’s without the proper experience.” Sadly, CS majors are not the only ones being demoted to fast food employment post-graduation. After the commencement ceremony, English majors were promptly handed Starbucks applications since the employers figured they could at least spell caramel macchiato correctly.
Apart from not finding a job, the second biggest fear of graduated seniors is being asked what they are planning to do after college. Some dodge the questions, others burst into tears, and a select number are praying fervently for the Rapture to happen so they don’t have to think about the question. After putzing around for a couple years and developing a huge test filled hole in their hearts, it is estimated that approximately a huge buttload of students, in a vain attempt to capture their glory days, will probably go back to grad school.