Though Halloween is usually an extremely anticipated holiday among Berkeley students, this year’s spooky festivities were threatened by some alarming circumstances. Due to recent sexual assaults, which seem to be a popular pastime among certain fraternities, the Cal Greek system shut down all their social activities until members could learn to act like decent human beings. As a result, hundreds of sober Berkeley students were left to face the prospect of having nowhere to get drunk on Halloween.
Fortunately, the Panhellenic and Interfraternity councils have decided to revoke their punishment, feeling that it was unfair to deny the students such an opportune occasion to drink, get laid, and appropriate other cultures at the same time. As an alternative to their cruel sentence, the councils have required that all fraternity members take a special R&C class focusing on the definition of the word “no.” The students are expected to practice interpreting the word “no” in an accurate manner, and they are tested not only on the definition of “no,” but also on differentiating “no” from words such as “yes” or “definitely.” The councils feel that these basic English classes are sufficient for guiding certain fraternity members towards better choices in the future, and there is certainly no further need to spoil their fun. (Incidentally, these same councils were in full support of the decision to release infamous sexual predator Brock Turner after only 3 months in jail, as serving the full six months was apparently too harsh a punishment.)
With Halloween restored to its full intoxicating potential, students once again are looking forward to playing popular seasonal drinking games such as “Take a shot for every ambulance you hear” or “bobbing for booze.” Reassured that their Halloween will be free from the appropriate consequences, Cal fraternities are once again embracing the spirit of Halloween fun by preparing to terrify innocent victims on a truly frightening night.