Humanities student hopes to marry rich

The preferred hidey-hole of Berkeley's elusive computer geeks

Though the semester is quickly approaching its end, some seniors are still scrambling to find post-graduation employment. While certain majors are being scooped up by Fortune 500 companies, other majors are faring no better than Rachel Dolezal in their job hunting. One humanities major, Goldie Diggs, has taken to spending time at Soda Hall in hopes of securing a wealthy husband. “If I marry an EECS major,” reasoned Diggs, “I won’t have to worry about the two figure salary I’ll be making with my Gender and Women’s Studies degree.”

Goldie Diggs first came to Berkeley with dreams of studying a subject she was passionate about, making deep connections with intelligent and like minded individuals, and becoming a more well rounded person with a degree that would open doors for her in the career path of her choice. When asked about what that career path was, Diggs deftly avoided the question with a well practiced “life’s a journey and I’m just along for the ride.” With graduation looming and grad school rejections pouring in faster than she could burn them, Diggs found herself in need of a new plan.  

Every few days, Diggs reportedly ventures into Soda Hall in order to “study.” “In reality,” says Diggs, “I’m studying the guys walking around.” With a course reader in hand, she attempts to strike up conversations with potential partners. Her criteria? “I’m looking for a male CS or EECS major that doesn’t emit a stench detectable from over 10 feet away,” Diggs explains. After 5 weeks, she has only found 2 guys who fit her standards, both of which were too absorbed in their coding to even register her presence.

Understandably, Diggs is now exploring other options for securing a financially stable future. She is considering the idea of hanging around Haas instead to try her luck at snagging a future CEO. However, she’s not so keen on dating anyone with an ego as big as his wallet. Faced with this dilemma, Diggs is currently undecided on her course of action. “If all else fails,” she reports, “I guess I’ll just keep applying to grad schools.”

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